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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: Charlie Estevez

Actor’s Childish Antics Bring Him To Our Awareness

10 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

air travel, assholes, Black Eyed Peas, Blackberry, boorish behavior, Charlie Estevez, Douche Juhamel, douchebaggery, Duchess of York, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Kentucky, obscure celebrities, pop culture, Royals, rude people, Sarah Ferguson, skanks, Stacy Ferguson, Star Trek II, untalented stars, Weight Watchers, well-endowed men

By Smaktakula

Smart Move In Locking That One Down, Josh.

Through no fault of our own, an insipid bit of pop culture minutiae has bored its way into our brain like those nasty little brain-eating creatures in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  Recently, Promethean Times became aware of the existence of actor Josh Duhamel after the actor made the news for his boorish behavior. The hitherto-unknown-to-us actor is alleged to have delayed  a La Guardia flight bound for Kentucky when he had to be removed after churlishly refusing an attendant’s several requests to shut down his Blackberry prior to takeoff.

Pop Culture Enters Your Brain In Much The Same Way.

We inadvertently stumbled across this story while looking for actual news, and since the headline didn’t indicate who the actor was, we were duped into thinking it might have been someone of note.  We could not have foreseen that not only would our assessment be incorrect, but that we would be subjected to the forced absorption of useless and meritless trivia.  We were no worse off for our previous ignorance of Duhamel, and are certainly no richer now for the knowledge.

Yeah, That's Kinda How We Feel, Too. We Were Fine Not Knowing You Existed.

We learned that Duhamel–whom we have trouble not thinking of as ‘Douche Juhamel,’–is married to Fergie, by whom we mean Stacy Ferguson, lead skank of Hip-Hop juggernauts The Black Eyed Peas, and not Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson, ex-British Royal turned Weight Watchers spokesperson turned embarrassing would-be access peddler.  Moreover, we were treated to the information that the soulful slattern likes her men well-hung, and that Duhamel is deserving of inclusion among that select group.

Fergie Is REALLY Into Meat-Missiles. And There's Nothing Wrong With That.

There is such a thing as too much knowledge, especially if that knowledge is inconsequential.  Most upsetting is the idea that in becoming aware of Duhamel, we may have forgotten something which really mattered.

There is a certain fear which keeps us awake in the cold dark hours before dawn.  We dread that someday, when we are one correct Jeopardy! answer away from the championship, and Alex Trebek says, “This volatile television star was born Charles Estevez, but once had a movie career, starring in such films as Wall Street and Hot Shots,” we’ll answer, “Who is Josh Duhamel?”

Don't Judge. It's Just That A Man Grows Weary Of Fergie After A While.

It is our hope, then, that some of you reading this may also have been hitherto unaware of Douche Juhamel’s existence.  We are pleased to share with you in this small, intimate way our pain.

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan

By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films.  We can help you here and here.  But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us.  Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew.  We don’t do that.  Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad.  Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm.  Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Some Portion Of Charlie Sheen’s Brain Miraculously Unravaged By Syphilis

19 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Satire, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

career limbo, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, drunkard, Emilio's wasted brother, Hot Shots!, lout, Post-Haim Era, sot, syphilis, The French Disease, Two and a Half Men, vast wasteland, wastrel, wind-up monkey

Despicable wife-beater and inebriate Charlie Sheen has wisely chosen to stick with his awful show.         

Promethean Times applauds Mr. Sheen’s decision to follow our advice.  Furthermore, we would like to remind readers that it couldn’t have been easy for the once-promising actor to accept the grim fact that, barring an improbably lucrative string of Hot Shots! and Wall Street sequels, he is destined to forever remain the Vast Wasteland’s bitch.           

WARNING: Staring Too Long At This Photo May Result In A Case Of The Crotch Lobsters.

Watch The Wind-Up Monkey Of The Post-Haim Era Continue To Bang Away: Charlie Sheen Returning to Two and a Half Men – PEOPLE TV Watch.           

Smaktakula

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