• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Tag Archives: helpful hints

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: The Riot

17 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

breaking stuff, dignity, dweebs, Farmville, flash-riot, geeks, getting back at mom and dad, helpful hints, hockey riots, nerds, Promethean Times' ongoing commitment to treating all peoples and cultures with dignity and respect, riots, sense of entitlement, thanks a lot mom, Vancouver

By Smaktakula

The flash-riot has become a hallmark of our age of entitlement.  It can therefore be helpful to at all times be aware of your image, lest you find yourself an object of humor at the expense of your human dignity.

Perhaps Mom & Dad Will Think Twice The Next Time They Decide To Ground Harrison From Playing Farmville.

Helping The Stupid. Gently.

23 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, Cletus the slack-jawed yokel, dumb, fucking idiots, great ideas, halfwits, Heidi Montag, helpful hints, idiots, intelligent people, morons, most folks'll never lose a toe but then again some folks'll, mouth-breathing halfwits, patron saint of the very stupid, retarded, slackjawed halfwits, stupid people, superlatively stupid, United States, United States of America, Why am I so stupid?, yahoos

By Smaktakula

Stupidity Wasn't Invented In America, But Like So Many Other Things, We've Made It Uniquely Our Own.

Stupidity never seems to go out of style.  Our daily lives are inundated with such stupidity that fighting against it often is like trying to hold back a mighty ocean of  inanity.  But such has always been the lot of that societal minority whose IQ falls into the triple digits.  Promethean Times has always argued the responsibility the non-stupid segment of the population bears toward the great legions who are.  Sometimes the greatest kindness can be illustrating more fully the depths of an individual’s thickheadedness.

Some intelligent people have no compunctions about snatching the veil of ignorance from unseeing eyes.  Although their manner can be abrasive at times, these brave souls risk the opprobrium of yahoos to make the world a better place.  These days such revelations are likely to earn at worst a beating, but once upon a time that kind of talk could get you burned at the stake.

Others, more timid or introspective, have difficulty in apprising morons of their staggering and cretinous idiocy.  It is for these non-confrontational people that we offer an elegant solution to this problem.  By employing the Promethean Times Method, not only is it possible bring the shithead to a painful–but ultimately healing–self-awareness, but also to accomplish it by allowing the halfwit to arrive at the deduction by himself.

"HURRRRRR! I Can Count To This Many!" Boasts Putty-Faced Reality TV Grotesquery, Heidi Montag.

Executing the Method:

When the stupidity of a speaker becomes nauseatingly uncomfortable for all parties present, the intelligent person should say something to the effect, “I was with you until you got to that part about you not really knowing what you were talking about, and how you feel you’re a just a bit of an idiot.”

The reaction will no doubt fall along these lines: “What?  That wasn’t what I said!”

Tell ’em, “Well, not in so many words.”

Try it.  You’ll be making the world a better place.

Since Her Untimely Death In 2007, Anna Nicole Has Been Elevated To Patron Saint Of The Very Stupid.

Helpful Hints: Judgement Day

13 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

afterlife, death, God, Heaven, Hell, helpful hints, Judgement Day, punishment, revenge, the Almighty, the Devil, wrath of God

By Smaktakula

Artist's Depiction: God's Actual Wrath May Vary.

When upon death your immortal soul is held in balance as you stand before the Almighty, it might be fun to say:

Who are you to play God, anyway?

Oh, right!  My bad.

He’ll probably get a big kick out of it.  No, it won’t do anything save your wretched, hellbound soul, but at least you’ll have a story to tell the Devil.

"Yeah, You're One Witty Guy. How About A Ten-Year Stretch In Studio Macarena, Funnyman?"

Hey, Macarena!

Aging With Dignity: Men

16 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

'Wronger' isn't a word? It sure as hell should be!, aging, appropriately-attired, Baby Boomers, dirty old men, douchebaggery, grampas, grandfathers, grandpas, helpful hints, kick him in the nuts, Latvians aren't very sexy anyway, man-boobs, pervert, sexual predators, sexy grandpa, who says 'yore' these days?, Woodstock Generation

By Smaktakula

Many male Baby Boomers are now grandfathers.  Unwilling to relegate themselves to the fusty geriatric-wear favored by their grandfathers, the men of the Woodstock Generation understandably want to do things their way.

To look the part of a grandfather in  days of yore, it was enough that a man had thinning hair and pants that were belted just below his man-boobs.  Today’s granddad chooses to advertise.  There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your grandchildren, but as with almost any sentiment, some means of expression are more appropriate than others.

RIGHT:

How Sweet! Somebody Must Love Her Granddad An Awful Lot!

WRONG:

You're Trying Too Hard. And The Thing About Your Looks Is Creepy.

EVEN WRONGER:

Children: Kick Him In The Nuts And Then Quickly Find An Adult.

You Can Use This One, Folks!

16 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

assholes, awesome comebacks, bullies, bullying, cousin love, helpful hints, jerks, mean people, Promethean Times Method, PTM, Smaktakula's mysterious family tree, snappy comebacks, Stiffler, the finger

By Smaktakula

If recent statistics on bullying are any indication, hostility is on the rise across the board.  In the past, Promethean Times has offered suggestions for dealing with those loutish jackanapes who insist on being rude.

Some People Insist On Being Difficult.

While our advice is typically to turn the other cheek upon encountering such an individual, we acknowledge that this method may not work in every situation.  There are times when necessity compels a person haul back and give some verbal ruffian what’s coming to him.

It is for this reason that we have devised the Promethean Times Method, a universal response to any rude comment, from quiet passive-aggression to mad-dog hostility.  Not only is the PTM utilitarian, but is also a devastatingly incisive bit of wit to which there is no defense.  Best of all, we’ve made it public domain–so you can use it, too!

In Most Instances, We Find That A Simple, Heartfelt Response Is Most Effective.

The Promethean Times Method is simple enough to be demonstrated by the following example:

  • Sneering Ass: Hey, Smaktakula–I heard that your parents were first cousins!
  • Smaktakula: Is that right?  Well, you know what I heard?  FUCK YOU, that’s what I heard!

Use it wisely!

They were SECOND cousins.  That’s legal pretty much everywhere!

Remembering The Sixties

25 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

1960s, acid, Baby Boomers, Baby Boomers eat their young, cliche, counterculture, dope, drugs, grass, helpful hints, hemp, If you can remember the 60s, Kingston Trio, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, nostalgia for a nonexistent time, pot, reefer, second base, selective memory, squares, sweet sweet cheeba, the Sixties, wild times, Woodstock, you're still not getting anything from Martha

By Smaktakula

When an aging Baby Boomer wistfully opines, If you can remember the Sixties, you weren’t there, he wants to give the impression that life during the 1960s was like this:

"Brothers And Sisters, After We Bring The System To A Crashing Halt, We're Gonna Usher In The Age Of Aquarius. But First: Thirty-Six Hours Of Rainbow-Drenched Sex In An Environment Entirely Free Of Consequences! Far Out!"

When in all likelihood, reality was just a smidge more prosaic:

"When Martha Anderson Hears This Peachy Song I Wrote For Her, She's Sure To Let Me Get To Second Base!"

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Family Matters

17 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, History, Justice, Music, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bring Charlie a sandwich!, Charles Manson, Charlie Manson, Charlie Manson is batshit crazy, crazy fucker, cult leaders, cultists, demagoguery, helpful hints, Helter Skelter, Manson Family, murderers, piggies, the "White Album", the Beatles, would-be-Messiahs

By Smaktakula

If you ever find yourself forced to make small talk with wacky cult leader and would-be-Messiah Charles Manson, it’s probably best not to mention the Beatles unless you’ve got the time to hang out for a while.

"Can You See It, Man? Can You Dig What It Says When You Take The First Letter Of Each Song On The White Album And Put Them Together? No, Man! It Doesn't Say 'BDGOWTWH MIBPRDWIJ BYMESHL RHSCRG!' It Says 'Get Charlie A Sandwich, And Not So Much Goddamn Mayo This Time!' It Also Says, 'The War Is Coming; Piggies Die!'"

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: The Bluff

12 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Mythology, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Auric Goldfinger, bluff, bluffing, helpful hints, J. B. Fletcher, James Bond, Murder She Wrote, smirking A-Hole, why did no one ever kill that meddling busybody?, work smarter not harder

By Smaktakula    

The Consummate Pro: This Man Knows How To Bluff.

On those occasions when you manage to bluff someone into telling you something by acting like you know more than you really do, and then he asks you, When did you find out?–resist the temptation to be the smirking A-Hole who says, Just now–when you told me!  After that bush league play, he won’t tell you shit.    

The best responses run along these lines: We’ve known almost since the beginning.  Your opponent will spend the next few moments trying to figure out where he got careless and screwed up.  Meanwhile, you can follow with, “But there’s just one or two things I don’t understand.”  You’d be surprised at what he’ll tell you.    

"But You See, Mr. Johnson, I Didn't Know Until Just Now. I Followed You To This Remote Cabin Without Telling Anyone To Trick You Into Confessing. Now Please, Let Me Borrow Your Telephone. The Police Will Be Here In 20 Minutes."

Bluff Facebook

Newer posts →

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • Incest: On The Other Hand...

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

Tweets by prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031  
« Oct    

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri's avatarVivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim's avatarTim on People Actually Believe That?…
Unknown's avatarAnonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley's avatarDudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Unknown's avatarAnonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Smaktakula's avatarSmaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David's avatarDavid on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius's avatarRackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula's avatarSmaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro's avatarYoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Unknown's avatarAnonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C's avatarAlex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom's avatarUsman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James's avatarLary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…
Jay's avatarJay on Teachable Moments

Tardsie D. Bagg

Unknown's avatar

Smaktakula

Unknown's avatar

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Promethean Times
    • Join 457 other subscribers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Promethean Times
    • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar