By Smaktakula

Ever Mischievous, Kim Jong-il Told This Soldier That The Cookie Jar Shaped Like The U.S. Capitol Was Filled With Nourishing Rice.

In the weeks following the announcement in Pyongyang regarding the planned succession of Kim Jong-un, the corpulent youngest son of decaying comical despot Kim Jong-il.  Kim Jong-un, known popularly as “The Brilliant Comrade” or according to some sources, “The Young General,” was initially considered a longshot for the succession due to his youth, backwardness and lack of a girlfriend despite being in his late twenties.

A Promotional Still From Kim's Short-Lived Reality Show, "Who Wants To Be A Third-World Despot?"

The Brilliant Comrade’s elevation caught most observers by surprise.  It was thought that the dying dictator might not name a successor at all, instead leaving the impoverished third-world hellhole in the capable hands of its generals.  However, revelations from documents released recently by WikiLeaks help to shed light on the succession mystery.

Kim Jong-chol: "Rook Out, Radies! Hot Stuff, Comin' Through!"

One source says of Kim Jong-un, “‘Lil ‘Lil Kim is a historical accident,” adding, “If either of his older brothers was worth a damn, the Brilliant Comrade could return to his first love: building intricately designed cuckoo clocks for his vast collection of doll houses.”  But for the tongue-tied tyrant such carefree days are behind him; although he never asked for the responsibility, it is incumbent upon Kim Jong-un to perpetuate the ruination of their homeland begun by his grandfather, Kim Il-sung and then continued by his father, Kim Jong-il.

When Asked The Reason For His Love Of Doll Houses, Kim Jong-un Replied, "Dorries Never Starve To D-D-Death."

For years it was assumed that Kim Jong-nam, eldest of the Kimkinder, would succeed his father upon the elder Kim’s much-rejoiced eventual death.  However, the demented Wishnik Troll is said to have soured on his playboy son after the younger Kim was caught trying to sneak into Japan for the admitted purpose of visiting Tokyo Disney.  Currently living an exile’s life in Macau, Kim Jong-nam has criticized his father’s choice of successor.  Sources close to Kim Jong-nam say that he is hoping to take power in Pyongyang when his younger brother fails.  This, of course, remains contingent on his surviving the inevitable assassination attempt resulting from his poorly chosen words.

Eldest Son Kim Jong-nam Looks Amazingly Like The Dude Who Owns The Liquor Store A Block Away From Where You Work.

The next son, Kim Jong-chol is no better.  A fan of Western music, Numba Two Son is said to have lost favor with his father after being spotted at an Eric Clapton concert in Germany.  Adding to Kim Jong-chol’s troubles is the perception that he lacks the requisite masculinity for North Korea’s premier job.  Most damning, however, are the revelations that the second son has moved into the dungeon below Kim’s palace, where he devotes all his time to video games.

The Video Games Were One Thing, But When Kim Jong-chol Began Showing Up To Strategy Meetings In Costume, His Father Could Take No More.

The anointing of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim begins to seem less strange when weighed against his cretinous siblings.  True, the tubby tyrant is an awkward, maladjusted, friendless toad–but he may just be North Korea’s last, best hope.

Ever The Pragmatist, Kim's Philosophy Is "If You Can't Be With The One You Ruv, Baby, Better Ruv The One You're With."