18 Monday Jul 2011
Tags
Anaheim Angels, Baseball, California, California Angels, Disneyland, lame baseball teams, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Magic Kingdom, Mickey Mouse, the Devil, this day in history, tragic kingdom
On which the Devil manifests as a rodent and brings his unholy kingdom to earth.
Unsure Of Whether To Use His Massive Profits To Cure Cancer Or To Buy The World's Lamest Baseball Team.
27 Friday May 2011
Tags
Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease
In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.
Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.
My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident. We thought someone had already told you. Sorry.
Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.
Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.
Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.
For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.
Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.
Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.
Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.
Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.
Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.
French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!
‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’ There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.
When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.
Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.
US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.
How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.
Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy. Trust us.
Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite? The devil you say!
Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.
Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.
The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.
16 Wednesday Mar 2011
Tags
Disney, internet, Mickey Mouse, NAMBLA, pen pals, pervertry, social networking, Togetherville, you got a real purty mouth
"Huh-Hi There Little Buddy! Huh-Who Wants His Picture On A Milk Carton?"
Disney recently announced its purchase of Togetherville, a social networking site aimed at children ages 6-10, a group heretofore excluded from the social phenomenon. Industry insiders contend that a demand for such services already exists, and reckon that the move will help to peel more pre-teens away from non-internet–and therefore useless–activities such as playing outside or spending time with family and friends.
Wildlife Authorities In Kenya Issued An Amber Alert Today. Citizens Are Advised To Be On The Lookout For A Blue 1980s African Pachyderm.
For a generation completely stymied by the concept of pen pals, Togetherville will be first instance of remote social networking among young children. Proponents claim that an early introduction to such sites greatly increases a child’s ability to make superficial friendships, which in turn can help her develop life skills such as obsequiousness and insincerity, which will enable her not only to survive, but thrive on her quest toward middle-management. Likewise, early indications show that parents are pleased with Togetherville’s potential, which in studies has been shown to increase “shut up time” in children by a whopping 75%.
You've Got It Easy. Previous Generations Were Occasionally Forced To Talk To Their Children.
Disney’s announcement is expected to be warmly received by pervert activists, who have long been working to change societal impressions of pedophiles, particularly among children. The North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) could not be reached for comment, as the majority of its membership is hard at work fabricating online personae.
If It Makes You Feel Better To Know It, This Guy Loves Your Kids At Least As Much As You Do.
21 Monday Feb 2011
Tags
11th President, California, conqueror tongue, damned if you do, Disneyland, from sea to shining sea, imperialism, Irvine, James Knox Polk, Los Angeles, manifest destiny, Mexican-American War, Mexico, Mickey Mouse, obscure historical figures, obscure political figures, one-termer by choice, one-termers, President Polk, promises, strong-arm, United States of America, Were you still using that?
"Hola, Amigos. I've Got An Offer You Won't Be Able To Refuse. Which Is Good, 'Cause I Don't Ask Twice."
Democrat James K. Polk, 11th President of the United States, is among the least-known of US Chief Executives, despite one of the most consequential presidencies in the nation’s history. Unlike most politicians then and now, Polk kept his promises to the nation.
Polk promised the American People two things:
1) He would serve only one term in office.
2) He would steal California from Mexico.
Polk was as good as his word, snatching California* and some lesser territory from Mexico, and then dying quietly a few months after his term in office ended.
James Knox Polk may be long-forgotten, but his image is mirrored in the smiling face of Mickey Mouse, his austere sensibilities captured in the sterile, earth-toned conformity of Irvine row-houses, his voice remembered whenever Los Angeles is pronounced LAHS ANJELUS. James Polk may have been relegated to historical obscurity, but his light shines on.
¿Le Siguen Utilizando Esto? Our Bad.
Promethean Times 