06 Tuesday Dec 2011
Tags
dead celebrities, death by old age, death by smoking, drug addiction, Goodnight Gracie!, old people, SMOKING KILLS! George Burns, the exception which proves the rule
Comedian George Burns: 1896-1996
The Great Tragedy Of Burns' Chronic Nicotine Addiction Is That It Hastened His Untimely Death.
05 Monday Dec 2011
For those who’ve yet to take their fill of those innumerable, thrill-a-minute Republican debates, comes the exciting news that Donald Trump will be moderating the December 27th affair.
The Donald Is Known For Bringing Panache And Glitz To Humdrum Events, And The Republican Debate Will Be No Exception. "This Will Be A Classy Affair," Says Trump, "People Who Witness It Will Be Crapping Out Class For Weeks Afterward."
02 Friday Dec 2011
Tags
Barack Obama, community organizer, Danny Glover, Democratic Party, DNC, Hawaii, imaginary racism, Mitt Romney, Mormons, presidential election, racism, socialist, United States of America, Vladimir Lenin
The Only Western Nation To Elect A Black President Is Still Quite Racist, Apparently.
In 2008, Barack Obama’s supporters did something previously unseen in American presidential politics–they made race an issue in the election. Recognizing that America’s long-standing racial guilt could easily be played upon, supporters of the then-presidential candidate were quick to paint any criticism of their guy with the tag of racism.
Socialism was one of the first terms to be so racially tinged. Obama’s supporters successfully convinced a very-willing press that the word implied blackness, despite most Americans not being able to name a single black socialist, with the possible exception of former actor and high school graduate Danny Glover. Likewise, partisans have managed to attach racial import to the term ‘community organizer,’ Obama’s primary leadership position before assuming the mantle of Leader of the Free World–this despite the ignorance of most Americans as to what a community organizer is in the first place. These tactics were so successful that to this day, any opposition to the president’s policies evokes cries of racism from some quarters.
It's Racist To Call Obama A Socialist. However, It Is Also Racist To Suggest That All The Really Great Socialists Have Been White.
With the 2012 election approaching, Democratic strategists are hard at work to devise new English (and perhaps some Spanish) words that evoke the secret racism of Obama’s opponents. Although “community organizer” and “socialist” should still have some traction, new and innovative racism-indicators will be required if this advantage is to be maintained.
There have been some successes. Although the DNC has yet to release any of 2012’s racially tinged words, well-placed observers have confirmed a handful of the new terms. Among them are “state senator,” “Hawaiian” and “shitty president.”
He Wants You To Know That The Term 'Flip-Flopper' Is Code For 'Mormon.'
30 Wednesday Nov 2011
Tags
Allah, bunched panties, censorship, Charlie Hebdo, Christians, France, Islam, Jews, Muhammad, muslims, no sense of humor, Paris, religious intolerance, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French
Arrogant, You Knew. Dirty, You Knew. But Bravely Committed To The Ideals Of Free Speech?
It sounded like a great idea: invite Islam’s premier prophet to guest edit a French humor magazine. The editors of French Satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo had long sought to entice the Prophet Mohammed to bring his singular wit and warm sense of humor to their magazine. Charlie Hebdo’s editors were ecstatic when Mohammed agreed to a guest editorship, but what no one could have expected was that things would quickly turn deadly.
What's Everybody Getting So Upset About? It Looks Like A Penis In A Chef's Cap. . .Oh, God--Please Don't Kill Us.
Although impossible to foresee, the Prophet’s selection proved controversial. Charlie Hebdo’s editors expressed surprise at the outrage, claiming that Mohammed’s selection was to celebrate the victory in Tunisia by an Islamist party during the so-called ‘Arab Spring.’ Further, in a move the magazine staff was sure would delight Muslims worldwide, they decided to honor the Prophet on their cover, depicting him in cartoon saying, ‘100 lashes if you’re not dying of laughter.’
This Disturbing Image Is Insensitive To Muslims! Not That It Matters, But We Suppose It's Also Offensive To Satanic Crusaders And Filthy Jews.
Surprisingly, the Islamic community was not entirely amused. Although known for being an easy-going and tolerant religion, some Islamists reacted to the Prophet’s guest-editor stint with uncharacteristic rage. Charlie Hebdo received a number of threats on various social networking sites, but no one took seriously the notion that an adherent of Islam would commit violence in the name of Allah.
If You Want To Mock Christian Figures--Including Their God, Knock Yourself Out--The Worst You Need Fear Is A Stern Talking-To.
Amazingly, that’s just what happened. Charlie Hebdo‘s Paris offices were destroyed by a petrol bomb. Even now, weeks later, a stunned world is still trying to make sense of this. Some so-called ‘experts’ have opined that the violence was the work of radical Muslims, who are sometimes known to be touchy about depictions of the Prophet. Promethean Times disagrees. Whoever the vandals are, they’re more likely to be angry Christians or Jews. If there’s one thing we know about Muslims, it’s that they can take a joke.
"I Don't Get It."
29 Tuesday Nov 2011
Tags
alternate history, Casey Anthony, Caylee Anthony, death by shiv, Florida, Hello Kitty, Janet Reno, justice, Lowell Correctional Institute, outright lies, revenge, rumors we wish were true, shiv, unpunished
She's The Only One Shedding Tears.
Lowell Correctional Institute, Florida: The news of Casey Anthony’s death has been met with worldwide jubilation. This morning, guards found the 25-year-old murderess lying unconscious in the showers, face down in a rapidly spreading pool of her own blood. She was later pronounced dead at the prison infirmary.
Anthony was convicted by a Florida court earlier this year for killing her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee Marie Anthony, and was serving the first of eight consecutive life sentences. Anthony’s crimes were thought especially heinous due to her complete lack of remorse. The young skank continued her hedonistic partygirl lifestyle long after dumping her daughter’s lifeless body into a shallow grave and then forgetting she ever existed.
Somber Crowds React To The News Of The Murderess' Death.
Investigators have recovered what they believe is the weapon used to murder Anthony, a crude shiv fashioned from a Hello Kitty barrette. She was stabbed at least 37 times.
Prison officials say they have identified a suspect in the killing. The accused killer, Joanna “Larry” Belkins, is serving a fifteen-year sentence for armed robbery, and has been placed into solitary confinement while authorities conduct their investigation.
The As-Yet-Unpunished Killer.
Prison representatives contend that their primary focus is swift justice for Casey Anthony. Said one official who asked not to be named, “We’re making this a top priority. Of course, with the holidays coming up, we’re a little understaffed, so we’ll probably have to wait until after the New Year.” When another worker added that there were two guards’ retirement parties planned for January, the representative added, “It’ll probably have to wait until after Valentine’s Day.”
Casey's In A Better Place Now.
28 Monday Nov 2011
Tags
...you never go back, airplane, artificial sweeteners, coffee, coffee culture, contrived indignation, herbal tea, hypersensitivity, in poor taste, like my men, offensive humor
Black As Midnight And Sweet As The Devil.
Today, the following clip from the classic movie Airplane! would be considered too offensive for modern theater audiences. A generation ago, before taking offense became a national trait, major motion pictures were replete with such examples of inappropriate humor. Extremely sensitive viewers may wish to skip the clip altogether.
What is damning about this clip, of course, is the young lady’s rather shocking contempt for artificial sweeteners, and her emphatically expressed preference for unadulterated coffee. Younger readers might be surprised by prejudice, not old enough to remember the days when artificial sweeteners were looked upon not just as something unusual added to coffee, but an as affront against God Almighty Himself.
Smaktakula Takes It The Same Way: Strong, Black & Bitter.
Thankfully, today we live in a world where an individual can drink his coffee however he pleases, free from the judgements of small-minded individuals. Modern coffee culture is an accepting and all-inclusive one, with coffee aficionados united not only by a love of the hot, bitter beverage, but also by a hatred of the homos who drink herbal teas.
Quick--Somebody Say Something Before It Gets Awkward.
25 Friday Nov 2011
Tags
boycott, dogs, fatcats, greedy capitalists, misdirected anger, Trudy Schwarz, Trudy's Dog Washing Service
Are You Bringing Trudy Your Dogs–Or Your Soul?
Join us on Friday, November 25th, 2011 in our one-day boycott of Trudy’s Dog Washing Service. For the community’s good, let’s hit this fatcat where it hurts–in her wallet!
For fifteen years Trudy Schwarz has sucked the lifeblood from this community. Perspicacious enough to notice that seemingly everyone owned a dog, but that very few enjoyed washing the animals, Schwarz exploited this gap by offering to perform these duties for $35. $35 might not seem like much money, but when you take into account the millions of dog owners in the United States, if each dog visited Schwarz’ business only once year, Trudy’s Dog Washing Service would still be grossing a cool $35 million.
Why Not Do It Yourself?
There are those who will say that Schwarz is providing a service that pet owners are unwilling to perform themselves, and that the small fee is appropriate compensation for her labors. However, this view dangerously misreads Schwarz’s motives.
Schwarz Thinks She’s Hot Stuff ‘Cause Her Car’s Paid Off.
Make no mistake–Trudy Schwarz wants your dog to be dirty. She wants you to bring the dog to her so she can clean it. But don’t for a minute think that she’s doing this because she cares about you or your dog. Schwarz is bathing your animal for one reason and one reason only–money. It’s likely that profit is the sole reason Schwarz got into the dog washing business in the first place.
Like the fleas she sprays from your dog’s belly, Trudy Schwarz is a vicious parasite, sucking the precious lifeblood from America’s consumers. For one day at least, let’s tell Trudy Schwarz to let her kids go hungry.
IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO SAND IN THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER’S VAGINA
24 Thursday Nov 2011
Posted in Culture
23 Wednesday Nov 2011
Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Science
Tags
B.A. Baracus, Doughboy, ice, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Just Say No!, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, perverted science, poseur
The Bridge Between Doughboy & B.A. Baracus.
Observe:
ICE CUBE
Actor In Family-Themed Straight-To-DVD Movies. Former Hip-Hop Artist.
ICE-T
Pretends To Be A Cop, But Actually Isn't. Sang About Killing Cops But Never Did.
MR. T
Philanthropist. Known For Expressions Of Great Pathos For The Unwise.
Ice is clearly the link. But as the so-called ‘T Equation’ (T> (C+I)²) demonstrates, Ice also acts as an inhibiting factor, dampening the megadoses of cool that naturally accompany pure T.
You Can't 'Just Say No' To Mr. T.
22 Tuesday Nov 2011
Tags
Cambodia, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., killer trees, killing fields, Kompong Cham High School, mother nature, photosynthesis, trees
It Happens Just Like This.
Several news organizations, most notably Promethean Times, have long been skeptical of nature’s ostensibly beneficent disposition toward humanity. The popular fiction of nature is that of a homeostatic system, designed to encourage and perpetuate terrestrial life. As we have long suspected, events in Cambodia are proving the converse: Mother Nature is out to get you.
She Hates You So Much. You Have No Idea.
The trouble began when a group of 136 students at Kompong Cham High School abruptly lost consciousness. Initial reports identified the mass fainting spell as the result of the students being forced to stand at attention by an overzealous school master for failing to properly salute the nation’s flag. This analysis was revealed to be dangerously naive .
It's Kind Of A Goofy Flag In The First Place.
As it turns out, the real culprit was the abundance of huge trees surrounding the school. Historically, the earth’s flora have absorbed carbon dioxide for millennia untold, all the while releasing life-giving oxygen into the atmosphere. The natural order has changed, however, claims Heng Meng, police chief of the Chamkar Leu district and apparently the country’s leading environmental scientist, who says that the massive trees have now decided to hoard oxygen, resulting in the mass fainting.
But Not Always, Apparently.
In any other country, these life-stealing trees would undoubtedly be allowed to continue victimizing the young while politicians grandstanded for the television cameras and argued among themselves. But Cambodia is a country historically predisposed to quick and furious action. If the past is any indication, those plucky Cambodians will soon uproot the trees in the middle of the night and round them up in a central location, perhaps a sports stadium or municipal park, at which point the trees will be shot in the back and dumped in mass graves.
Considering What Cambodians Have Been Willing To Do To Their Own People, We'd Say Those Trees Are Fucked.
Promethean Times 