By Smaktakula

Is It Right That These Beautiful Creatures Should Be Slaughtered Only For Their Surprisingly Delicious Ear Meat?

Typically, we choose not to take a firm stance on controversial issues, preferring to pepper our words with outrageous half-truths and innuendo, to a large degree obfuscating our actual intent, granting us an exculpatory escape hatch of credible–or at least defensible–deniability should our stance prove unpopular. Promethean Times has been well-served by such non-action since publishing our first newsstand issue in 1927. However, in dark times such as these, when human conscience buckles under the weight of an unbearable evil and the soul cries out for justice, a venerated policy must be weighed against a stark new reality.  For this reason, Promethean Times must take a stand–alone if necessary– against the metastasizing global cancer, puppy-killing.

Pupcicles: Drowning Speared Puppies Is A Favorite Inuit Pastime.

Promethean Times emphatically deplores the slaughter of puppies for sport.  In many countries, puppy-killing is a tradition dating back hundreds or even thousands of years. Guatemala’s Fiesta de los Muertos Cachorro has long been a target for animal-rights activists, and roundly condemned by the general public for its bloodthirsty ferocity. Likewise, Belgians–renowned for their fanatical hatred of all living things–host the annual Night of Long Whimpering, which attracts puppyphobes from around the globe. In Senegal, where puppies’ claws are thought to cure river blindness, fly-blown puppy carcasses litter the roads where they have been cast, pawless, by poachers. The horrors faced by puppies in South Korea are so well-documented as to require no further description here.

Spending 22 Hours A Day In A Cardboard Box Is Bad, But Far Better Than What Awaits Them At The Brussels Sausage Factory.

Of course, these are only the most egregious examples of this sadistic bloodsport; a thousand smaller evils occur every day in our own towns and cities. Heretofore, puppy-killing has been a taboo subject, and like race or sexual fetishism, not discussed in polite company. However convenient it has been to avoid words like ‘canicide’ and thereby ignore the crisis at the world’s doorstep, the time has come to recognize the wholesale slaughter of innocent puppies for what it is: a burgeoning howlocaust.

What? We Were Talking About Puppies. Put Those Mewling Doorstops At The Bottom Of The Monongahela For All We Care.