10 Thursday Nov 2011
Tags
back boobs, hos, hussies, Isn't anybody going to say something?, muffin top, Reese's, skanks, tramp stamps, tramps, waddling grotesquery, Why am I so fat?
The tramp stamp and the muffin top–two less-than-fresh tastes that most certainly do NOT go great together.
On The Plus Side, It Does Distract From Those Hideous Back-Boobs.
04 Friday Nov 2011
Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Entertainment, News
Tags
Beliebers, Elmer Fudd, Elmer was asking for it, George Carlin, gold digger, hairless hit factory, hussies, Justin Bieber, Mariah Yeater, Michael Jackson, outright lies, paternity tests, Porky Pig, rape, San Diego, skanks
We're Not Saying He Was Asking For It, But Did Justin Really Have To Dress Like That?
I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.
George Carlin
By her own admission, Mariah Yeater is a predator. She has repeatedly boasted to anyone who will listen about the events of October 25, 2010, when Yeater says she snatched away a young boy’s innocence, trampling it beneath her Crocs. Just another San Diego statistic.
Okay, Maybe After A Couple Drinks. We're Not Too Proud To Admit It.
But what happens when the rape victim is hairless hit factory Justin Bieber? According to Yeater, who was nineteen at the time, she had her way with the underage popstar on “some sort of shelf” backstage, engaging in unprotected sex. Although the attack lasted only thirty seconds, the damage left in its wake will not be quick in disappearing. Adding a further layer of pathos to this tragedy, the rapist boasts that prior to the assault, Bieber had been a virgin.
Mariah Yeater: Apparently Justin Bieber Thinks He Can Do Better.
However, more egregious than Yeater’s crime itself is the way the unrepentant skank has behaved in the months following the attack. By asserting that Bieber’s handlers chose her, plucking Yeater from the crowd and ushering her backstage, the callow hussy is essentially blaming the victim for her crime–the old ‘he was asking for it’ canard. Moreover, Yeater has apparently produced an offspring, claiming improbably that Bieber’s body is somehow able to produce seminal fluid, and that some portion of that fluid was exchanged to produce the aforementioned child. Bieber, for whom puberty is still a handful of years away, denies the charges.
Like Bieber, This Ancient Egyptian Mummy Knows The Pain Of False Paternity Accusations. Billie Jean Was Not His Lover, But Rather Just A Girl Who Claimed He Was The One. To His Grave He Steadfastly Maintained That The Kid Was Not His Son. SHAMON!
What will happen next is anyone’s guess. Perhaps Yeater’s claims will be proven correct, and it will be revealed that by some unfathomable combination of perverted science and unholy witchcraft Bieber was able to produce a child through sexual intercourse with a human female, and if so, we pray that Yeater will be charged as a rapist. Or, as is a lot more likely, Yeater’s justice will come not from the courts, but rather at the end of a rope, a warning to other floozies not to mess with the Beliebers’ beloved.
"Bitch, You Are So Fucking Dead!"
18 Tuesday Oct 2011
Tags
Celebrity Death Watch, Deep Throat, Flower of American Skankhood, irresponsible allegations, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, meth, meth mouth, methamphetamine, rotting teeth, skanks, you got a real purty mouth
You Know You're Famous When Forgetting To Brush Your Teeth Causes A Minor Media Sensation.
True? False? That’s what the gossip sites are reporting, anyway. More accurately, they’re claiming that the self-destructing former starlet and Flower of American Skankhood has a mouth full of rotting teeth, from which Promethean Times irresponsibly infers that said condition is a consequence of snorting* great big piles of methamphetamine.
Or it could just be improper hygiene. Remembering to brush after meals can help to preserve healthy teeth for a lifetime. Sadly, LiLo has yet to demonstrate that she can inculcate positive habits into her life, having been “fired” from her community service work at Skid Row Woman’s Shelter. A few months ago, Promethean Times opined of Ms. Lohan, “the time to hit that is now.” Sadly, it appears that the time to hit that has passed.
01 Thursday Sep 2011
Tags
academicians, dick in a box, hussies, KISS, musicians, one-hit wonders, professors, promiscuity, rock stars, skanks, tenure, Things we think about, time travel
A Professor Can Expect Impressionable Students To Laugh At His Jokes, Even If They've Heard "Dick-In-A-Box" Before.
Promethean Times has previously weighed in on some hitherto unexplored aspects of time-travel theory, but the highly theoretical field remains open to examination. For example, another cool thing to do with a time-travel machine would be to go back in time to the mid-to-late Sixties and adopt the identity of a hip, young college professor. The high incidence of naive but recently-sexually-liberated coeds away from home for the first time would provide virtually unlimited carnal possibilities.
Every One A Wanton Hussy.
An inexpert analysis of the scenario might create the erroneous impression that these time-shattering endeavors would be more fruitfully spent as a rock star. True, musicians on the whole pull a higher quantity of ass than do academicians, but a professor can expect a staggering 45% less skank from his slightly smaller take. Plus, an educator’s career can last for decades. There’s no tenure for a one-hit wonder.
We Wouldn't Brag About This One, Guys.
01 Wednesday Jun 2011
Tags
Burt Bacharach, Cher, cocaine, decadence, drugs, fading glory, gold digger, Hef, Hugh Hefner, Izabella St. James, living in squalor, old people, Playboy, porn empire, pornography, senility, sexual dysfunction, skanks, Sylvia Miles, Viagra
Hot, Retarded And Completely Lacking Dignity?--Yes. Discrete? No.
According to his former floozy Izabella St. James, Hugh Hefner doesn’t just look, smell and act like an incontinent old man–he makes love like one as well. In her cleverly titled new book, Bunny Tales, St. James claims that the 84 year-old is a sexual ‘Dead Fish’ who simply lies on the bed while a nubile and semi-retarded teenager humps him furiously.
St. James’ revelations shatter more than just the popular image of Hef as a ladies’ man and all-around-stud. According to Hef’s former harlot, even the famed Playboy Mansion has seen its luster fade. The once-fabulous pleasure palace of 10,000 delights is now a shabby and echoing ruin, festooned with dogshit and reeking of urine.
The Playboy Mansion Has Seen Better Days
Hefner lost his virginity at the decidedly un-swinging age of 22, and has spent the next six decades attempting to account for this tardiness. During Playboy’s Watergate-era heyday, the Mansion would throb with orgiastic depravity while sill managing an air of class and swinging sophistication. And Hef–whether he was snorting lines off Cher’s ass or balls-deep in a group-grope with Sylvia Miles and Burt Bacharach–was right in the middle of it all.
Thanks To A Combination Of Dementia And Cataracts, This Is The Face Hef Sees In The Mirror Every Morning.
But forty years is a long time–a lifetime in third-world countries–and not even Hefner’s famed virility could withstand the implacable ravages of time. The miracles of modern science, most particularly Viagra, have allowed Hef to make a pretense of his old existence by breathing life into the old man’s withered dingus.
But science has no answer for the rest of Hef’s age-related ailments. And now, Hef uses his dwindling fortune to make a charade of the life which for one musk-drenched moment in time saw him on top of the world. He perpetuates this rather sad fantasy in the vain hope not to stave off time, but to help him forget that he’s a crumbling old man with the hearty, virile penis of a healthy sixty-five year old.
i roted this books all by myself lol
25 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
celebrities, Celebrity Death Watch, cocaine, Did she jump or was she pushed?, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, IPO, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay's boobs, NSFW, Schnapps, skankery, skanks, tick . . .tick . . .tick, untalented stars
Former child star Lindsay Lohan revealed recently in an international statement that she was not currently in a relationship, declaring “I’m available.” Men and women between the ages of 16-65 who have yet to engage in casual, anonymous sex with a celebrity or semi-celebrity are encouraged to apply. Millions will enter, and potentially thousands will win.
There exists no accurate way to determine the duration of the opportunity window for just about anybody to bang the Flower of American Skankhood, but it will in all likelihood be extremely short-lived. Lohan will either stage a comeback, at which point she will return to sexual standards most likely precluding carnal relations with an unemployed Best Buy sales associate, or as is far more likely, she’ll be dead. Act now!
The Clock Is Ticking. For Quickest Results Bring Coke And Root Beer Schnapps. No, Not Coca-Cola.
Note: Lindsay appears serious about her IPO. In just-released (and deliciously NSFW) photos, Lindsay displays her considerable assets for those potential buyers who have yet to see them.
12 Thursday May 2011
Tags
Barbara Lee, deaf people, evil, Florida, gang signs, hearing-impaired, Helen Keller, Marco Ibanez, sign language, skanks, stabbing, stupid people, Why am I so stupid?
Ibanez Turned A Deaf Ear To Common Sense When He Listened To A Woman With The MethFace.
Bottom-feeding lowlifes Barbara Lee and Marco Ibanez have been arrested after assaulting two men in a Florida nightclub. Along with a third individual who is a minor and has not been named, the pair proved not only their place among the basest forms of life on the planet, but also that they’re incredibly stupid.
O Is For "Oh My God, I Can't Believe What A Fucking Moron You Are."
The trouble started when Lee spotted two men whom she thought were throwing gang signs at her. Lee, who is apparently a wannabe gang floozy in addition to being a veteran barskank, flashed her own set’s signs back at the men. Undaunted, the two men continued with their provocative behavior, seemingly oblivious to Lee’s very overt message.
These Young Men Are Part Of The Community Welcome Association.
Rebuffed by the men in a direct encounter, Lee left the bar, only to return sometime later with Ibanez. The pair, along with their juvenile accomplice, set upon the victims. In the ensuing melee, the victims were stabbed several times, and Lee managed to injure a security guard with a broken champagne bottle. At the very least, however, Lee and Ibanez proved their pride in standing up for their set against provocations by other gang members.
On The Need To Treat The Handicapped With Dignity, Helen Keller Once Said, "Umma Gaaah Urrrrrr Oooooooh Hunna Yaa!"
However, the situation appeared quite differently when it was revealed that the two victims were deaf, and what Lee had interpreted as gang signs was actually just a sign-language conversation between the two men. In light of these details, Lee and Ibanez were shown to be nothing more than sub-moronic assweasels.
A Little Bit Of Sign Language We All Can Appreciate.
26 Tuesday Apr 2011
Tags
Babes Behind Bars, Celebrity Death Watch, childish sexual innuendo, don't drop the soap, drunk driving, exploitation films, famous gingers, Flower of American Skankhood, gingers, jail, John A. Gotti, John Gotti, Jr., Kim Gotti, LA County Morgue, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, skanks, Skid Row, untalented stars, women in prison, women's shelter, you got a real purty mouth
A Still From Lindsay's Solo Mime Performance: 'Fellating A Very Tiny Invisible Man.'
Lawyers for sometime-actress and Flower of American Skankhood Lindsay Lohan plan to file an appeal against a court decision that could send the vapid sexpot to jail for up to 120 days. The decision comes in response to a parole violation stemming from the actress’ 2007 conviction for drunk driving.
This Magic Talisman Is Considerably More Efficacious When Used By Male Prisoners.
Even if LiLo is forced to serve some or all of her sentence, there is an upside. Not only have the producers of the upcoming John Gotti biopic graciously allowed the imploding actress to keep her role in the film as Junior Gotti’s loyal wife, Kim, but jail-time should give LiLo some first-hand experience in prison life, which should give her an edge in future auditions for soft-core Babes Behind Bars exploitation flicks.
Word Is, The Girls On Cellblock D Already Have A Nickname For LiLo: 'The Crimson Clam.'
As Team Lohan appeals Lindsay’s jail time, the actress is preparing to fulfill her 480 hours of community service at a Skid Row woman’s shelter and the LA County Morgue, where she will work as a janitor. The experience will no doubt be made more enriching for the doomed starlet if she comes to understand that these same two locations are also likely to be the penultimate and terminal stops on her career trajectory.
Making The Most Of Her Time At The LA County Morgue, LiLo Poses With The Corpse Of Charlie Chaplin.
28 Monday Feb 2011
Tags
Amber Portwood, As Seen On TV, celebriskanks, famous for nothing, foolish choices, horrifying images, hussies, internet pornography, reality television, Roseanne Barr, skanks, Teen Mom, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, untalented stars, viral, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, your mother must be very proud
Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"
Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral. The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.
In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven. It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.
Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence. After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.
By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.
11 Friday Feb 2011
Tags
bad teeth, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, delirium tremens, dentures, drugs, DTs, fellatio, gold digger, Kacey Jordan, Neil Armstrong, Polident, poor dental hygiene, porn stars, prostitution, Shane MacGowan, skanks, skonks, so sad, teefuses, wretched, you got a real purty mouth
Charlie's DTs Have Grown So Severe That He Now Believes Himself To Be Stalked By A Miniaturized Neil Armstrong, Who Tries Desperately To Fellate The Falling Star.
Cretinous 24-Hour party person Charlie Sheen has managed to keep his winning smile throughout his myriad legal and personal woes. However, like so much else in Hollywood, it turns out that Sheen’s pearly whites are fakes, his toothy grin the result of porcelain and Polident.
Just To Clarify: When You Say 'Size Doesn't Matter,' Are You Talking About The Beak Or The Rack?
This comes straight from the spunky mouth of Kacey Jordan, who spent time with the self-destructing TV personality during his recent 36-hour coke binge. Jordan, who is delightedly making herself a talk-show sensation at Sheen’s expense, calls herself an adult actress because she is paid to have sex on camera. However, as she also receives payment for non-filmed sex, she can add ‘whore’ to her list of credits.
Good News For Charlie: "My Dentist Thinks He Can Save Two Of 'Em!"
Jordan says that most of Sheen’s remaining handful of teeth are gold, and that the actor wears a porcelain bridge to prevent young children from screaming when they see him pass. According to Jordan, the reason for this is clear: “Drugs.” Jordan is not a doctor, but she has played a naughty nurse on several occasions, giving her the confidence to make this medical diagnosis.
So, That Thing On Your Lip . . .
If these sad revelations contain even a grain of truth, Sheen has fallen even further than anyone could have guessed. It is too late to wish the former star a normal life, but perhaps not too late to simply hope for his continuing survival. The upshot of Sheen’s grotesque smile contains at least one positive, however. The actor’s dental woes should serve him well during his next stint in prison, where smooth, slick gums are highly prized.
"Freeing Myself From The Slavery Of The Toothbrush Was The Best Thing I Ever Did. It Hardly Hurts Any More, And The Ladies Don't Mind That I Talk Like I've Got A Mouthful Of Snot."
Promethean Times 