Author Archives: Smaktakula

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Keg-Stands With Jesus

10 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in History, Religion

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By Tardsie

If Partying With The Lord Is Wrong, We Don’t Want To Be Right.

Growing up in a fundamentalist environment, you can bet I’ve seen a lot of proselytizing.  From missionaries converting the heathens in countries far and wide to In-N-Out’s Bible verse-emblazoned cups to the dude who used to treat football audiences to his home-made JOHN 3:16 sign. Some of these methods are overt, others sneaky. But not a one of them can match a membership drive so ballsy and innovative that I’m astounded I’ve not yet seen it repeated: Christ-Crashing.

Tardsie Can Sing This For You If You Like.

I like a nice house party. I’ve never really cared for big, anonymous keggers with their dense oceans of sweaty, beer-sloshing yahoos and 130-decibel rumble, and still view raves as enervating ‘Tard-fests set to a shrieking 4/4 beat, suitable primarily for the procurement of drugs. House parties, on the other hand, with no more than 100 guests (and usually fewer), were a lot more my speed, because you could actually carry on a conversation with another person. Back in my single days, this was practically a requirement–although I’m a handsome enough guy, for whatever reason, I just don’t have the the kind of looks that make the ladies weak in the knees. So back in the day, if I had any hope whatsoever of getting lucky, it was my mouth that would get me there (my mouth could also queer the deal with a quickness; I walked a razor-thin line in my youth). So house parties were always more my thing.

But Is Telling You You’re Attractive Really Such A Terrible Lie? Best Case Scenario–Everybody Wins.

About ten years or so ago, I attended a house party in Auburn, Washington. By 9:00 PM the house was loud and packed, crowd runoff spilling out onto the back deck and into the wide, sloping back yard.  Cigarette smoke mingled with the meaty tang of  dogs on the grill.  The volume steadily increased. But what none of us knew was that on the street outside, sinister forces were already advancing upon us.

“We’re Gonna Stand Around A Keg Of Redemption And Do Shots Of Jesus!”

Another thing I like about house parties is that inevitably, clusters of people form at various points in the house and yard, with people leaving groups and joining them, new ones forming and old ones disappearing. The addition of one new face to a cluster of people slightly changes the complexion of the conversation, which grows and changes as long as the party lasts. This facet of the house party experience was the vulnerability the Christ-crashers preyed upon.

Jesus Says He’ll Come Back If Some Chicks Show Up.  After Hanging Out With Twelve Dudes ALL Day, He Wants No Part Of This Sausage Fest.

The clandestine force had by this time breached the intimacy of the gathering.  No one yet knew that a cadre of insidious strangers already walked among us.  No one would until it was too late. About twenty minutes earlier, a group of about a dozen unremarkable twentysomething men and women arrived at the party.  They arrived in groups of one or two, either through the front or garage door, which was wide open.

The Party Is Here On Earth.

Once inside the party’s perimeter, the operatives split up, sidling up to different groups throughout the home and property. One of them joined the conversation I was having. I didn’t recognize him, but assumed–as the Christ-crashers were counting on–he was friends with other people at the party. Meanwhile, everyone was making this same mistaken assumption.

We started to get an inkling that something might be wrong when, in the space of no more than ninety seconds, every conversation at the party had turned to the redemptive works of the Lord Jesus Christ. No matter how base, inane or vile the conversation had been prior to the crashing, every conversation was now a theological one. Still not realizing we were being invaded, some of us debated the Christ-crashers politely, others turned abusive.

ATHEIST

All The Charm & Goodwill Of That Shitty Little Kid Who Ruins The Santa Thing For Other Kids.

It didn’t take long to understand the problem and identify the perpetrators.  They were dressed nearly identically, in dark blue track suits. They were shortish, men and women both, with traces of an Eastern European accent. I am very intrigued by accents, and asked where they were from. Their spokesman, a compact man with boyish features grew visibly uncomfortable and said, “We’re Americans.”

“Yeah, but you’re not from here originally, are you?” I asked, not accusing, simply curious (and I go through this little dance all the time; folks, if you don’t want me to ask where your accent is from, then fucking lose it. And if you don’t want a whole host of other questions, don’t fucking tell me it’s British–not all Americans are that stupid). The closest he came to saying was answering me in the affirmative when I asked if he was Slavic. The matter was quickly sorted out, and the newcomers revealed to be members of a local fundamentalist church.  The spokesman explained that they were a sort of youth outreach, bringing a message of salvation to iniquitous gatherings like this one.

Because Who Knows More About Saving Your Soul Than A Creepy Little Foreigner?

Even in the face of the Christ Crashers’ machinations, the host proved a class act by inviting them to stay. Sadly, the strange little man took the position that the Heavenly Father frowned upon drinking, clearly forgetting why Jesus was in such high demand as a wedding guest throughout Canaan circa 30 AD.

“Some Say My First Miracle Was The Coolest.”

The host’s not-inconsiderable patience by this time exhausted, the Crashers quickly found themselves back on the street. Undeterred, the Jesus Jihadists set off  to find someone else who wanted just a little more Son of Man at his or her party.

It happened once; it can–and almost certainly will–happen again. So if ever you find yourself at a party, and all at once every conversation turns to the joy of having a relationship with Christ, don’t panic–you’ve just been Christ-crashed.

This Christ-Crasher Is All Tuckered Out.

Hunchbackers

08 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Culture, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Why does the public insist on believing the web of lies surrounding the death of Quasimodo the Bell-Ringer?

Open your eyes, America!

They Know The Awful Truth About What Happened That Day In The Cathedral, And Won’t Rest Until You Do.

The Anaheim Angels Of Anaheim: Why They’re Bad For America

07 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Culture, Sport

≈ 39 Comments

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By Smaktakula

You Will Find This Nowhere In LA.

Here’s Why:

1) Superfluous. The LA-OC Metro Area is also the home the more historic and culturally significant Los Angeles Dodgers (of Los Angeles), and the Southern California area already includes the Padres, San Diego’s semi-pro ball club.

There Can Be Only One.

2) Dishonest. Claim Los Angeles as home base, but play in Anaheim, over 30 miles away. Moreover, the team has claimed no fewer than four home locations in its half-century of iniquity: Los Angeles (legitimately), California, Anaheim and now the ridiculous LA-Anaheim hybrid. What are they hiding? What don’t they want you to know?

To Be Fair, For Five Of The Team’s Fifty-Plus Years, The Los Angeles Claim Wasn’t A Filthy Lie.

3) Homophobic. Although no evidence whatsoever exists to support this rather irresponsible claim, it should be noted that “angels” are frequently associated with Christianity, which itself is practically synonymous with homophobia.

In Private Conversation, Some People Refer To Them As The “GAYngels.” Not Us, Though. That Kind Of Childishness Really Isn’t Our Style.

4) Cruel. Many years ago, Mike Scioscia did us wrong.¹

Yeah, That’s A Funny Trick To Play On A Ten-Year-Old Who Only Wanted An Autograph. We’re Glad You Got Fat, Fucker.

5) The Rally Monkey. The fucking Rally Monkey.

This Hideous Creature Is Quite Simply An Affront To All Which Is Decent And Good.

¹That we were able to swallow our animosity while Mr. Scioscia was a member of the Los Angeles Dodgers should in no way invalidate our argument, but rather serve as a reminder of our persistent and nearly blinding hypocrisy. ∞ T.

We Got Your Culture Right Here, Man

06 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

We’ve Got Culture Coming Out Our Asses!

We were cobbling together another installment of Ask Tardsie when it occurred to us that we haven’t done enough to ensure the cultural edification of our audience. As professional recording artists (for those of you who, like us, have an extremely liberal definition of “professional recording artist”), we felt it was incumbent upon us to, for one day at least, to diverge from our usual gutter-minded potty-mouthery.

Dylan Thomas Was No Stranger To Drink. Hell, The Man’s Initials Were “D.T.!”

We thought you would enjoy hearing Tardsie read some of the world’s greatest poetry. Today we have selected portions of Dylan Thomas’ A Child’s Christmas In Wales (note: although the poem itself is safe for work, Tardsie manages to curse while introducing the poem): ENJOY!

And We Cannot Lie!

Hatey-Hate-Hate: What It Is And What It Ain’t

03 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in Entertainment, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 47 Comments

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By Tardsie

Folks, If You Look Hard Enough For Anything, You’ll Find It.

Or, How I Learned To Stop Thinking And Talk Louder

Nothing feels so good as being on the right side of an issue. You’re for gay marriage, and you want the whole world to know (in fact, that’s largely the point). That’s cool, friend, you know which way the wind is blowing, and you don’t want to be caught on the wrong side of popular opinion. We understand. We don’t respect it, but we definitely understand.

The problem is how you go about it. You’re trying so hard to show the world that you value freedom and individual liberty and that you despise the tyranny of conformity. Unfortunately, by aping Soviet-era denunciations or McCarthy-esque accusations, you’re really just demonstrating an embarrassing inability to grasp concepts more challenging than a sound bite.

Stalin: Extremely Successful In Getting Everyone On The Same Page.

Please stop using the word hate to describe people who don’t agree with you. We’ll talk about what hate IS in just a moment, but for right now, here’s what it’s not: hate is not disagreement. If someone fails to ringingly endorse your lifestyle, it means they disapprove. Hate is when that person wants you removed from society, even as a concept. Having a preference against something is not now, nor has it ever been hate. This can’t be the first time you’ve had that explained to you.

It’s Because He’s Intolerant. We Hate That, Too. In Fact, We Just Won’t Put Up With Intolerance.

Perhaps this illustration will help. Now, I believe that polygamy should be legal. Do you? It’s all right if you don’t. But for the very many of you who don’t feel this long-standing cultural practice should be legal, let me ask you–do you hate polygamists?¹ It’s seems a stupid question doesn’t it? Of course you don’t–you just don’t support their lifestyle. Why then do you make allegations of hate at people who fail to endorse the gay lifestyle? (It’s because you’re not very smart).

Seriously, Dude–Why Do You Hate The Plygs?

Folks, one of the things about making adult decisions in our own lives is being able to live with the consequences of our actions, whether or not we get approval from our peer group. You say you’re proud of yourself and have nothing to be ashamed of. Why then is it so important that society validate you?  Some news about complete and total acceptance: It ain’t coming, buddy–no matter how you choose live your life, not everybody is going to like it. Another part of being an adult is understanding this.

Good For You. Now All You Need To Do Is Live It.

So we’ve established that holding an opinion contrary to that which is politically correct is not, in and of itself, hate. Well, then just what IS hate?

I Know Where I Am, But How Did I Get Here?

By Which We Mean “World History For YOU.”

We’re so glad you asked. Let’s talk about Uganda, just one of the many countries around the world where gay people have to deal with real hate. You may ask, “So do gays in Uganda also face the horror of potentially hearing disapproval of their lifestyle?” Indeed they do–with the added inconvenience of occasionally being slaughtered for being gay. Now, that’s got to hurt some feelings!

These Guys Totally Know How You Feel. Or They Would–If They Were Legally ALLOWED To Be Gay.

We’d heard similar stories from Iran, but apparently they’re false, as we were informed that no homosexuals exist in Iran. We asked around, and to a man or woman, every individual told us he or she was 110% straight, hated gay people, and wished we would stop asking them these questions and please go away before the religious police saw us talking to them and started to get ideas (which would have been wrong, they were quick to remind us, as Iran is completely free of the gay).

Iran: ‘Cause You Can’t Hurt A Dead Guy’s Feelings.

And if America’s 2012 victims of “hate” could somehow be transported to Europe in the Spring and Summer of 1945 as the Nazi camps were liberated, I’m not sure that any of those few surviving individuals from Berlin’s once-thriving gay scene would be quite as moved by the plight of 21st Century gay Americans. Should you ever find yourself in this position, we recommend not telling this recently liberated individual how much Dan Cathy’s hurtful words “burn you up.” That means something entirely different to him.

“Really? They Don’t Approve Of You? My God–You Are So Brave Just To Get Out Of Bed In The Morning.”

Hating The Haters: We Hate Their Hate

This issue is personal to me. Now, I support the right for gays to marry (and I tell you this not so you’ll think better of me–your opinions aren’t even your own, so why should I care what your smarter, better-educated friend thinks of me?–but to remove one more intellectual obstacle in the hope–however vain–that you will be able to work yourself through this), but my very conservative grandmother does not. By the standards of your shortcut logic, that means she hates gays.

You should know, however, that for many years my grandmother took a variety of people into her home–teens, bums, single mothers, bachelors–anyone who needed it. I recall that one of them was a young gay man who lived with my grandmother long enough to graduate high school. I won’t speculate on what would have happened to the young man had she not taken him in for a few months, but it’s safe to say she made a great difference in his life and potential future.

Have you done as much as my Bible-thumping grandmother, or is lip-service enough to give you that warm glow of righteousness? Does it disturb you even a little bit that such a bigoted person has been of far more service to “the gays” than you have?

We Forget: Is It What You Say Or What You Do? We Hope It’s ‘What You Say’ Because, MAN!–That Is So Much Easier.

So when you call my grandmother a bigot or a hater, you’re not only demonstrating an inability to think critically about what you say, but also that you’re intolerant. I’ll admit it–it is painful for me to listen to you talk, because in terms of actual reasoning ability, you’re not much more advanced than a grade-schooler (I’m not saying it to be cruel; go back to the polygamist analogy–really, you should have been able to come up with that one on your own). Does that make me better than you? Absolutely it does. But I don’t hate you.

Sadly, there IS hate in America. As hard as it might be to believe, there are people who despise other people simply because of what they believe, who call names and shout epithets, who believe that people with these beliefs should be denied employment. But friends, when you can finally learn to put aside your hate and let people believe what they want to believe, America will be a better place.

To Be Fair, You Are Following Historical Precedent.

So let’s stop misusing hate before we completely strip the word of all its meaning, the way we did long ago with ‘love.’ Instead, why don’t we all worry a little bit less about whether somebody else likes us or approves of the way we live our lives, and just get about the business of living those lives.

Or Just Shut The Fuck Up. You Know, Whatever.

“He’s Trying To Trick You, Comrades! Utopia Will Come Once Everybody Feels The Same Way About The Issues: No Arguments, No Headaches.”

¹ If you find yourself saying “But polygamy is a completely different issue!”, you’re yet again demonstrating a staggering inability for critical thought. Polygamy itself isn’t the issue, but rather how you feel about polygamists. ∞ T.

Best of Headlines II

01 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 20 Comments

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By Smaktakula

In which we present Part II of the Lost Headlines.

We’ll Try Not To Let It Go To Waste.

Look, if you want to waste your time reading the articles, more power to you. As for us, the headlines tell us all we really need to know.

***

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ It’s like we told our folks, by taking the necessary steps now, they can help THEMSELVES to ensure that their final years are not marked by the joyless isolation of the state-funded nursing home. A real good start would be to peel off some of that ‘retirement nest egg’ savings to cover Smaktakula’s gambling debts. We could use a little ‘walking around’ money, too.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s not the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins are the short-bus riders of aquatic mammals–how are those chirping attention-whores supposed to clear the Strait of Hormuz when they can’t even seem to avoid tuna nets?

Why Do You Suppose We Stick Them In Round Pools With No Sharp Edges?

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, Sally So-Sad–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation and pain. It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the guys you least suspect.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression ~ It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Europe’s debt could sink US ~ This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US would be obliged to pay.

“Just As Your Corpses Once Stunk Up Our Beautiful Beaches, So Shall We Be Forever Stinky To You.”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

The Cheapest People in America ~ Ha! Yeah, that’s who we were thinking, too. But no, it’s the Scots, apparently.

Online dating? Why no one wants you ~ Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Some Peaches Scream When You Eat ‘Em.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ Sir, you’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident. We thought someone had already told you. Sorry.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny. ~ The secret is tapeworms.

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a very bad boy.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

True Story: Many Years Ago, French Soldiers Stole Most Of The Few Remaining Possessions Owned By Tardsie’s Widowed Grandmother And Her Three Young Children. But In A Way, They Had Been Asking For It, Too.

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ Frankly, we just don’t know, and we can’t afford to take that chance.

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? — Damn! This is comedy gold!

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, Americans have seen a marked uptick in tidy homes, reversing a quarter-century trend.

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Whore.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against “The Greatest Generation,” go for the hip–it’s their weak spot.

Don’t Let The Boring Stories About His Grandchildren Fool You. He’d Kill You And Your Family In A Heartbeat If Given Half The Chance.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

Cable car rear-ended near San Francisco Union Square ~ If you’re looking to get rear-ended, that’s a pretty good place for it.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~Don’t be naive, fool! Whitey’s influence goes all the way to the top!

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ You’re talking about chickens, right? Please tell us you’re talking about chickens.

Unfortunately, We’re Pretty Sure That’s Pork.

The next headlines you see will be all new!

01 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 5 Comments

This is so sweet! Uh, and apparently, dicks were involved. I totally don’t remember that.

Thinksquad's avatarThinksquad

Let me first start off by saying, that if any of you haven’t read the Promethean Times, you should give them a shot, they are very funny and satirical. Which he usually puts out new articles Monday through Friday, but then on the weekends we go through withdraws.Now that being said, we met the now famous writer, Smaktakula, while in our senior year of High School, if you can imagine, gas was under a buck, the Berlin Wall was being torn down, the first season of the Simpsons was airing, the World Series was delayed for 10 days due to an earthquake,  Lyle and Erik Menendez shoot their wealthy parents to death, the Tiananmen Square massacre takes place in Beijing, the Ayatollah Khomeini dies in Iran,  the Exxon Valdez oil spill, just to name a few.  There was a lot of major news stories hitting the airwaves back in the day while kids frolicked to and fro to school…

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Best of Headlines Part I

30 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Howdy, folks. Headlines has always been one of our favorite Promethean Times features, and recently it seems to have picked up popularity with our readers. This wasn’t always the case. It might surprise you to know we’ve done 23 of these things over the last couple years. That’s like 575 individual headlines, give or take (we didn’t count). Most of them will deservedly be lost to history–there were a lot of duds in the early posts, but we have chosen sixty or so of our favorites from the first fifteen Headlines posts that are almost certainly new to you. Enjoy them again for the first time! ∞ T.

“No, I Said It Made Me Want To ‘Matriculate.’…What?…Well, Sure–That, Too.”

In Which We Comment On The Headlines, But Leave The Reading To People Who Like To Do That Kind Of Thing

***

Can Your Pet Read Your Mind? ~ What?  Are you a child?  No!

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza?  ~ The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ Whoa! Looks likes someone’s scrubbing his own floor tonight!

Yeah, I’m Pretty Sure They Heard You. Next Time, Just S-P-E-L-L It Out, Okay?

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims ~ If it bothers you so much, then eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that still remains a mystery.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

“What Kind Of Parents Do You Think We Are? When A Hairy, Naked Stranger Asks If He Can Take Teddy To The Beach For The Weekend, You Can Bet We’ll Ask A Few Questions. He Checks Out, Though, And Told Us He’d Have Teddy Back Sometime On Monday Or Tuesday.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really such an expert, he should know that they do that.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called “heroes.”

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean makes its hardcover debut next spring!

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could somehow prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just couldn’t shut up about it.

You’d Think He’d Have Been Smart Enough Not To Leave A Paper Trail.

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

No, Bro–The Headband Totally Covers It! Rusty, My Man–I Think Tonight Is Finally Your Night!

Tradition forces girls into prostitution ~ “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion perfectly good reasons.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks a little bigger in Japan.

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

We’d Offer You Our Lunch, But Regrettably,We Lost It Just Moments Ago.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes ~ Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If it were to jettison all the gay sailors from its ranks, the US Navy would be left with all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Write Your Own Caption About The US Navy. It Should Contain At Least One Childishly Suggestive Reference (e.g., “Swabbing The Poop Deck!”, “Thar He Blows!” Or “I’m Securing Your Shit Below Deck, Sir!”), And Make Gratuitous Use Of The Word ‘Seamen.’ Support Our Troops!

Recent Headlines Not Included Above

(And Which You May Very Well Have Already Seen)

Look for Best of Headlines Part II later this week!

Sacred Cow Flop

29 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, Religion

≈ 19 Comments

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By Smaktakula

If God Cares So Much What We Say, Why Did He Waste Time With The Bible, The Talmud and The Koran, Instead Of Just Writing A Dictionary?

We all know it can be pretty hard to offend a zealot. The world’s great religions have shown time and time again that they can take a joke, and value speech and open expression far more than they cling to fundamentalist dogma.

But just for fun, and today being Sunday, we thought it might be neat to try insulting no less than three of these unflappable faiths in a single, admittedly compound, sentence:

“I’m just like Jesus (except not, you know…so Jewy), and I think women should be allowed to vote!”

At This Point You Can Expect To Be Beheaded, Have Your Immortal Soul Consigned To Hell, Or Be Sued Like You’ve Never Been Sued Before.

And because you guys are such a great audience, we’re throwing in a bonus faith-offending sentence!

“Now let’s all get a burger!”

Mmmmm… Genealogy Never Tasted So Good!

“You Think This Is Over? This Isn’t Over! We’re Gonna Start By Suing Your Cable Company, And Then We’re Gonna Sue Your Computer Manufacturer. And Then? Oh Yeah, Buddy–Then We’re Gonna Sue You ‘Till You Can’t See Straight. Have A Nice Day.”

Pray for us, friends. ∞ T.

Abortion: Little Women

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 39 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Because It’s Your Right To Choose (Certain Exceptions May Apply).

In its 1973 landmark decision, Roe v. Wade, the US Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution guaranteed a woman’s right to an abortion. This decision gave women control of their own reproductive choices, and freed them from the potential slavery of unwanted children.

Don’t Sweat It; There’s A Quick Fix If Something Happens.

However, in 2012 there is growing concern that some parents may be abusing this fundamental right. Although a relatively insignificant problem in the West, sex-selective abortion has radically changed the demographic makeup of countries like China or India, where boys are more highly prized than are girls. To prevent the wholesale erasure of an entire generation of girls, advocates say that even in countries like the United States where sex-selection is rare, parents shouldn’t be told the gender of their child until late in the pregnancy, except in the most extreme cases.

So We Guess Abortion Should Be Kept Safe And Legal, As Long As Everybody Remembers It’s A Child And Not A Choice.

If fetal identity protection is enshrined into law, it could prove a godsend for all women, even those as-yet unborn. The elimination of the gender-selection loophole would limit abortion to those women with any one of the many acceptable reason for undergoing the procedure, such as not wanting a child, but would prevent individuals from terminating their pregnancies for reasons as odious as not wanting a girl-child.

“Abort More Boys!”