16 Monday Apr 2012
Tags
1912, April 15, April 16, death by drowning, famous disasters, iceberg, oops!, this day in history, Titanic
On which the world sees the first meeting of the Polar Bear Club as 1,500+ men, women and children take an impromptu dip in the North Sea.
"I Told You That Picking First Class Just For The Pool Was A Waste Of Money."
09 Monday Apr 2012
This Is Kinda Like When A Chick Uses A Seven-Year-Old Picture For Her Facebook Profile. C'Mon, We Wanna See What You Look Like Now!
It’s been an awful long time since anyone was afraid of the Italians. In recent history–the 19th, 20th and now 21st Centuries, Italy has stumbled from one embarrassing episode to another–dictators, side-switching in both World Wars and a series of dysfunctional governments have been among the highlights.
If You're Like Most People, This Is What You Picture When You Think Of Italy.
Juxtaposing modern Italy with its historical progenitor brings the problem into sharp contrast. The Romans were true historical badasses, imposing their culture and indelible historical stamp throughout the Mediterranean and Europe, and were brazen enough to successfully campaign for the Vatican after putting to death the only Son of God Almighty. Rome’s might was built around the crimson-clad ranks of the Legion, and displayed in such violent spectacle as the life-and-death battles between gladiators.
Is This What You've Been Reduced To, Italy?
In today’s Italy, those same proud gladiators and legionaries are but pale facsimiles of their brutal ancestors who revelled in driving their foes before them, wading though sticky rivers of blood as broad as the Rubicon. Now, these ghosts of Rome’s glory haunt the broken ruins so often frequented by tourists, living not as before on the foreigners’ blood and treasure, but on their treasure alone, and that taken not by force, but by begging.
FALSE! Real Italians Don't Understand Percentages.
For those few remaining Italian patriots, the news of grumbling from these walking-tour warriors was a sign of hope. As the fighters, increasingly unsatisfied with their pay, began gathering in groups, more optimistic Italians allowed themselves to believe they would be witness to a sanguinary return to the heady days of yesteryear. However, fortunately for their Mediterranean neighbors, too much time has passed since the storied era of Rome’s glory, and the angry legionaries and gladiators employed the only tactic left in their depleted arsenal: they bitched about it.
Eventually, Germanic Invaders Proved Too Smart, Strong And Good-Looking.
05 Thursday Apr 2012
Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History
Tags
Al Gore, Amy Winehouse, boy bands, Davy Jones, Eddie Murphy, Grace Jones, Howard Jones, Jackass, JK Rowling, Led Zeppelin, Monkees, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Rick Santorum, Ryan Dunn, Sarah Palin, untalented stars, Whitney Houston
Smaktakula Is Not A Believer.
One has only to see the unlikely outpouring of affection bestowed upon murderous Jackass jackass Ryan Dunn to see that death is characterized not only by a ghastly odor of putrefaction, but also by a sheen of undeserved talent and a patina of ersatz societal worth. Because every famous corpse is now a rotting Mozart or a gas-bloated Shakespeare, it can be difficult to judge the true talents of debatable entertainment figures like Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse or Muammar al-Gaddafi. When former-Monkee Davy Jones died a few weeks ago, you were probably a little surprised to discover that he was an unrecognized genius, and likely more than a little chagrined that you hadn’t realized it on your own when the Woodstock-era boy-bander was still alive. But don’t feel so bad; if Davy were still living, he’d still be a casino-performing novelty act, and no more a ‘genius’ than fellow Jonses Grace or Howard.
Actually, We're More Than A Little Frightened Of You.
Here are a few figures who, in death, may reach the artistic and intellectual heights they were denied in life:
Eddie MurphyKids--You Might Not Know That Eddie Murphy Wasn't Always The Donkey From 'Shrek." Playing An Ass Was Just Sort Of A Natural Step.
Al GoreAt This Point, We're Hoping That Maybe A Couple Polar Bears Really Will Drown. C'Mon, Folks--Al Needs This Bad.
JK RowlingWe Should Just Be Happy That She's Writing Books People Want To Read. And SHE Should Be Happy That We Didn't Put Any Of Those Words In Ironic Quotes.
Led ZeppelinIf You Steal Money From Elderly Widows, You're A Lousy Thief. If You Steal Music From Old Blues Men, You're One Of The Greatest Rock & Roll Groups Of All Time.
Sarah PalinIt's Like If Rick Santorum Had A Vagina.
02 Monday Apr 2012
Posted in History
Tags
Arizona, California, Canada, Colorado, further instances of Canadian perfidy, Great Britain, James Knox Polk, Let us help!, manifest destiny, Mexico, muchas gracias, Nevada, one-termer by choice, one-termers, outright lies, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Santa Anna, Somalia, Texas, there's a NEW Mexico?, treachery, United Kingdom, United States of America, Utah
Maybe You're Just Not Looking Hard Enough.
You’ve probably heard more than once that there’s no such thing as a ‘good’ war. The sentiment driving this notion is noble, and easy enough to understand: it’s hard to take any joy from a victory when even one life has been needlessly cut short. Moreover, there is also the sad legacy of war’s victims who survive the conflict only to return to shattered, empty lives.
The "Good War": Grandpa Liked WWII So Much, He's Still There.
World War II is sometimes considered a ‘good war’ in that it very literally halted the extinction of an entire people. This view necessarily tends to discount the ugly reality that the war cost the lives of just as many people and a great deal more, but was more egalitarian in that it distributed the horrors among a variety of nations. Others consider the US’s ill-fated War of 1812 among this select group of noble atrocities, because the dream of liberating Canada from her tyrannical British masters was a righteous and Heaven-sanctioned one, despite the ingratitude and surprising unhelpfulness of the Canadian people.¹
It's Just Like What Happened To Us When We Tried To Help Out In Somalia--You Try To Bring Light To A Wretched And Abject People, Only To Get Kicked In The Teeth For Your Troubles.
But the little known Mexican-American War is something everyone can get behind. Having recently acquired the Independent Republic of Texas, the United States under President James Knox Polk was looking for a little more real estate. Polk had long prized such material assets as the Napa Wine Country, Camp Pendleton Marine Base and California Adventures, so America’s 11th President–and by any estimate its most effective One-Termer–set his sights on wresting the Golden State from Mexico.²
YOINK!!!!
Polk was initially stymied in his efforts by that age-old bugbear of democratic republics, the notion that you can’t just go starting a war for no reason. But when it was determined that Mexico’s General Antonio López de Santa Anna (an early forerunner of future bad-guy, Adolf Hitler) was stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) in the Sonora Desert, America was left with little choice but to act.
There Came A Point At Which The US Could No Longer Tolerate General Santa Anna's Shenanigans.
Although no WMD were ever found, the story did end happily, with the Mexicans chased all the way to Tijuana by the victorious gringos, and the Stars & Stripes lofted over the golden, rolling hills of California. However, it has so often been said that ‘a lawn does not cut itself,’ and like the storied swallows of Capistrano, in a final righting of history, the descendants of those long-ago Californios have since returned to California, bringing with them a great many friends whose ancestors had previously never been north of Michoacan.
¡Gracias, Amigo! Eso Fue Muy Amable Por Tu!
15 Thursday Mar 2012
Tags
bewaring is a real word!, DEVO, Et tu Brute?, Google Maps, Ides of March, Julius Caesar, malt liquor, March Madness, Mexico, New Mexico, St. Ides, there's a NEW Mexico?
"Don't Give Me That 'Et Tu' Shit--You've Had All Week To Fill Out Your Bracket."
On which we celebrate America’s perverse and persistent predilection for unproductive pastimes, and the gazillions of work hours lost to the inanity (you’ll note we didn’t say insanity) of March Madness.
St. Ides Won't Keep You Safe From Danger, But Can Make It So That You Just Don't Care.
The plethora of information available through the internet never ceases to amaze us. Using Google Maps to view the floor plan of a house owned by the parents of a young lady whom he’s stalking, Smaktakula recently made a fascinating discovery. Apparently, there’s now a NEW Mexico. We couldn’t be more pleased, as the idea was long overdue–let’s just hope that they take better care of it this time.
It Kinda Looks Like The Old Mexico To Us.
The effervescent, complex bouquet that is Promethean Times can’t be explained by anything so simple as a music video. But if it could, this would be the video:
So maybe that explains a lot, or perhaps you’re still in the dark.
12 Monday Mar 2012
Tags
Belfast, Catholicism, Derry, dope, drunken Irishmen, Edna Kenny, Eire, grass, hemp, ignorance, inebriate, IRA, Ireland, Irish Potato Famine, Irish Republican Army, Lucky Charms, Micks, Northern Ireland, or did we get those colors reversed?, Portrush, pot, proddies, protestant, reefer, Republic of Ireland, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, sweet sweet cheeba, Taoiseach, the French, the Troubles, They're magically delicious!, ugly Americans, Ulster, Unionists, weed, Why am I so drunk?
Ireland: A Nice Place To Visit, Even If You're Mostly Sober.
Before we get started, we should confess something: despite the cruel, ignorant and generally irresponsible things we say about people, places and things, it may surprise our readers to know that we hold in great affection many of those very subjects we skewer so mercilessly.¹ Chief among these beloved foils are the Irish. Although we will continue to mock these hapless, potato-munching inebriates until our dying day, the fact that Tardsie and Smaktakula have between them made a combined five trips to the Emerald Isle should to a large degree demonstrate Promethean Times‘ love for the Micks.
Edna Kenny (Seen Here At Breakfast) Was Recently Appointed Taoiseach (Prime Minister) For The Republic Of Ireland.
The Irish are a warm, gregarious people, who, despite the startling number of fistfights in which they regularly engage, are rightly known for their genial natures. Although theirs is a bittersweet history, full of famines, oppression and drunkenness, it’s difficult not to admire a people so foul-mouthed that old ladies use the Lord’s name more often in casual conversation than does Pat Robertson, and whose priests are known to remark “If it’s yer head you’ll be wantin’ kicked in, ya wee shite, then go ahead and touch me fookin’ pint a second time.”
Straight Up: You Won't Be Getting His Lucky Charms Without One Hell Of A Fight.
The Irish are further unique in that, for whatever reason, they genuinely seem to be fond of Americans. Promethean Times wishes to encourage this special relationship by fostering an even greater understanding between Irish people and their more sober American cousins. With this in mind, we offer these American-specific travel tips for visiting Éire.
Don't Let It Worry You--Irishmen Are Sweethearts. In Another Five Minutes You'll Be Lifelong Pals. Just The Same, You Shouldn't Count On Him Never Again Punching You In The Face.
Look, It's Nothing Personal, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, It's Just That We Don't Think You're Temperance Society Material.
When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...
Special tips for travelling in Northern Ireland:
The Quaint Northern Town Of Portrush, Or As Tardsie Calls It, "POTrush." But That's A Story For Another Day.
Folks, Whether You Realize It Or Not, The World Is Just One More Potato Famine Away From Being Up To Its Eyeballs In The Irish.
07 Wednesday Mar 2012
Tags
Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, Elena Kagan, gay people, Gilbert and Sullivan, Richard M. Nixon, Supreme Court, the Supremes, you got a real purty mouth
Like Their Judicial Namesakes, These Supremes Have An Effervescent Style That Will Remain Fabulous Throughout The Ages.
People who say that Barack Obama nominated the first gay Supreme Court justice in Elena Kagan have obviously forgotten that former Chief Justice William Rehnquist, a Nixon appointee, presided over Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings wearing a robe he designed himself based on an outfit he’d once seen in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta.
You Must Admit, He Was The Very Model Of A Major Modern General.
05 Monday Mar 2012
Posted in History
Tags
1770, American Colonies, Boston, Boston Massacre, Boston Tea Party, Great Britain, Indian Wars, March 5, Massachusetts, Redcoats, this day in history, United Kingdom, United States of America
Compared To Later Massacres, Boston's Was A Tea Party (Not To Be Confused With The Historical Event Of The Same Name).
On which British Redcoats fire into a mob of colonial yahoos, slaying five. The incident, later known in America as the Boston Massacre, drives a further wedge in the growing schism between the colonists and the mother country, which in just over five years’ time will blossom into outright rebellion.
Five? Only Five People Died And You're Calling It A Massacre? Let Me Show You How We Do Things In The USA, Son.
21 Tuesday Feb 2012
Tags
cocaine, dope, drugs, grass, hemp, Kentucky, kids today, Lindsay Lohan, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, marijuana, Mexico, nutmeg, PCP, Piggly Wiggly, places that suck, pot, Reddi-Wip, reefer, Somalia, Special K, spice rack highs, sweet lady meg, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, whippets
The Old Days Sucked. The Only Two Pleasures In Og's Wretched Existence Were Warm Bearcat Stew And, Apparently, Humping A Bag Lady.
One of the universal cornerstones of adulthood is the opportunity to bitch vociferously among the members of one’s own generation about how easy kids have it today. That every generation since the dawn of history has engaged in comparing the young unfavorably to itself might be viewed simply as exaggerated flights of reminiscence into the misty days of an idealized youth. However, one has only to note the tremendous progress and scientific innovation of our species, which has pushed back the thick crust of suck that once covered the earth entirely, but is now puddled around the globe in places like Mexico, Somalia or Kentucky. Indoor plumbing, the internet and fake boobs, among other technological marvels, have made the lives of each subsequent generation better than that which preceded it When an older generation complains about how good the ‘kids today’ have it, they’re usually right.
Yeah, But For Most Of Us It's Gotten Better. You Hang In There!
Nowhere is this more true than in the realm of illicit drugs. Despite their official prohibition, drugs have become increasingly available since the 1960s. In the ensuing five decades, LSD has come and gone and come again several times and Quaaludes® have disappeared entirely, but the availability of intoxicants, bolstered by new or newly rediscovered drugs like ketamine, PCP and methamphetamine, has only increased. Moreover, several states have legalized marijuana.¹ And for those who, despite the pharmacopoeia readily available to the young and old alike, are somehow unable to find anything else, spice rack highs like nutmeg² are as close as your local Piggly Wiggly.
They Didn't Always Come Boxed Or In Flavors. Back In Our Day, Going To The Supermarket For Whippets Meant That Your Buddy Kept A Lookout While You Sucked Down Reddi-Wip Like Lindsay Lohan On A Coke-Flavored Dick.
03 Friday Feb 2012
Tags
alternate history, Chad, Cyndi Lauper, death by John Lennon, death by Ringo Starr, drugs, Germany, John Lennon, Mexico, murder, New York, outright lies, Ross Perot, succubi, the Beatles, the woman who destroyed the Beatles, Why God? Why?, wish fulfillment, Yoko Ono
You're Just Giving Us Ideas, Yoko.
Some call it ‘The Day the Music Didn’t Die,’ and for others it is simply ‘Ononacht.’ In Germany the holiday is known as Tag der toten Hexe, and goes by Tiempo de Quietud in Mexico. In Chad it’s a complicated series of clicks. This auspicious date is known by myriad names throughout the world: regardless of what it is called, nearly everyone remembers the event through the same blood-hued image of a deranged, frozen-fish wielding John Lennon beating to death a wailing Yoko Ono.
Proof That No Matter How Powerful Or Talented, When Drugs Enter The Picture, A Man Will Fuck A Tree-Sloth.
New Yorkers will recall how the biting cold which had settled over the city on that December day in 1980 was almost magically dispelled as the happy news began to spread throughout the city: Despised succubus Yoko Ono was dead, beaten about the head and face with some kind of fish–possibly a cod or grouper, and then stabbed twenty-eight times with a glass chrysanthemum. The news that John Lennon was the sole suspect in the slaying was met with little surprise, but much empathy.
The Assault Was Vicious And Unprovoked.
Initially, authorities were reluctant to pursue charges against the legendary singer. Said a police representative, “We scoured the scene looking for any shred of evidence that Ms. Ono’s demise was simply a happy accident; we had our best men on it. I may have my own feelings on this matter, but the law is very clear: if there’s a dead body, we’re required to find a perp. And since Mr. Lennon was discovered at the scene crouched weeping over Ono’s battered carcass and bathed in her eerie greenish blood, there wasn’t much I could do.”
The Reaction To The News Of Yoko's Death Was Immediate And Unanimous.
Lennon was acquitted after a two-month trial, his legal team having mounted a spirited and successful justifiable homicide defense. Although this verdict proved only slightly controversial in 1981, it is unanimously heralded today, as Ono’s death removed the final obstacle preventing a long-awaited Beatles reunion. Sadly, the Beatles’ comeback album, Still Lettin’ It Be, proved a commercial and critical failure, the majority of which was attributed to Ringo Starr’s drum playing. Today, however, the album is remembered more fondly, particularly as only two of the Beatles remain alive–Ringo died along with Cyndi Lauper in a 1986 murder-suicide pact, and George Harrison was slain two years later by crazed fan Ross Perot.
Banging Yoko Ono When You're A Rock Star Is Like A Rich Dude Buying A Chevy Lumina. Why Would You Do It?
Yoko Ono is a relic of a horrible and best-forgotten past, who, if she is remembered at all, is known as the Delilah who nearly destroyed the greatest rock & roll group of all time. We can be grateful, however, that she did not succeed, and imagine instead a world where it was Lennon rather than Ono who was slain, and where the shrieking, talentless howler monkey lived on leech-like upon the great man’s legacy. Such a possibility is too depressingly horrible to even contemplate.
That's Just Not A World In Which We Want To Live.
Promethean Times 