02 Wednesday Nov 2011
These modern-day flat-earthers would probably be taken more seriously if their business outfit was something other than a baseball cap and a leather flight jacket.
Look, It's Human Nature To Want To Get Laid. But You're Doing It Wrong.
01 Tuesday Nov 2011
Tags
Adolf Hitler, black people, G. K. Butterfield, G. K. Butterfield is actually black!, hypocrisy, it's the mustache, North Carolina, racial identification, racism, tiresome Hitler comparisons
Would you be racist if you were to say this dude looks kinda looks like an older, fatter Hitler?
Racist? The Hitler Thing Is Tiresome, But It's Hardly Racist.
But wait just a moment! This gentleman is Rep. G. K. Butterfield of North Carolina, a member of the Congressional Black Caucus–he’s African-American. That’s right–you just compared a black guy to Adolf Hitler, you filthy racist.
"Hey Bud, You Wanna Hang Out Sometime?"
31 Monday Oct 2011
Tags
anachronisms, Brody Hall, Corry, dingus, exhibitionism, flashers, full Monty, genitals, intoxication, junk, man-meat, Pennsylvania, pervertry, perverts, public nudity, your mother must be very proud
Exposing Your Junk To Perfect Strangers Is A Time-Honored American Tradition.
The modern world changes with such baffling rapidity that innovations in technology, fashion and language are transforming yesterday into an unrecognizable anachronism. The information age has rendered obsolete the newspaper, the personal letter and the DMV. Thanks to the plethora of pornography available at a keystroke, even the naked human body has become a curious relic of a bygone age. Pennsylvania pervert Brody Hall made a game effort to turn back the clock on our cynical era by returning some of nudity’s whimsicality and sense of fun. But like so many other gentle dreamers, Hall found himself crushed beneath the weight of an impersonal, uncaring societal juggernaut.
A devotee of the lost art of flashing, Hall treated his hometown of Corry, Pennsylvania with an up-close-and-personal view of the young man’s dingus. After ensuring that he was sufficiently liquored up, Hall knocked on random doors throughout the forgotten backwater, rewarding those who answered with a full Monty. Hall later explained that his intentions were to “scare the children.”
Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.
But as with so many lofty goals, Hall’s plans met with an insurmountable obstacle: an uncaring, anesthetized society with no time for such old-timey foolishness. So it was that Hall’s luck ran out when he unknowingly displayed his genitals to Corry’s chief of police, who wasted no time in bringing an end to the exploits of the dangling do-gooder.
The local authorities contend that society is safer without being forced to regard Hall’s waggling man-meat, and perhaps they’re correct. Maybe there’s no longer any room in this age of instant gratification for a charming relic of yesteryear like the flasher. Still, society owes a debt to men like Brody Hall. Thanks to small core of dedicated craftsmen who continue to practice exhibitionism, a charmingly anachronistic piece of our heritage is being preserved for posterity.
Horatio Coxswain, The Legendary 'Marysville Masher,' Was Famous For Exposing Himself While Riding A Bicycle.
28 Friday Oct 2011
Tags
1886, death by Germany, France, Gauloises, Germany, historical beatdowns, October 28, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, this day in history, United States of America
On which the French and American people make a trade, with the French bequeathing to the United States the majestic Statue of Liberty, and the Americans in turn promising that France would never find herself abruptly forced to learn German.
We're Trying To Figure Out If Lady Liberty Is Really French. True, She Makes A Lot Of Demands And Hasn't Bathed In 125 Years, But That's A Torch In Her Hand And Not A Gauloise.
27 Thursday Oct 2011
Tags
conformity, Fox Mulder, insufferable arrogance, lemmings, popular opinion, Seriously? Do you even listen to the words coming out of your mouth?, sheeple, Why am I so stupid?, words to stop using
You Don't Like To Brag, But You're Way More Clued In To The Truth Than The Rest Of Those . . . Lemmings.
You’ve got a high school education and have knocked out at least twelve units at the local junior college, making you by far the best-educated person in your family. This academic advantage, coupled with your own as-yet-unrecognized genius has made you privy to revelatory information unavailable to the workaday Joe. But vital knowledge isn’t like a well-defined six-pack on a washboard stomach–you can’t advertise your intelligence by simply walking around shirtless. Along with repeatedly trumpeting your genius to all who will listen, an excellent way to showcase it is by using words which make you sound smart. Unfortunately, sheeple is not among these.
Sheeple, which traces its origins back to the 1950s, refers to a person the speaker feels is too conformist or beholden to the establishment. The word itself is an amalgam of people and sheep, the latter long regarded as stupid and complacent animals. Additionally, the word carries with it not only the implication that the subject is foolish and easily lead, but moreover that the speaker is somehow preternaturally wise, and clued in to what’s really going on.
How Can You Just Shake Your Ass While The World Is Burning Around You?
Sadly, it’s no coincidence that the folks who make sheeple a regular staple of their vocabulary tend to be the kind of bitter know-it-alls who once endured semi-regular beatings in the junior high locker room. The user of sheeple has missed the boat too many times in his or her life, and aches never to be caught clueless again. This sad mania manifests itself in an unending, Fox Mulder-like quest to find the deeper story, even if it means plumbing the fevered depths of their own overheated imaginations to do so. Proving that Americans will believe anything if they want to badly enough, the ranks of these self-proclaimed geniuses are swelling. Still, they take great pride in the thought that their awareness is somehow precious and unique; their insights are somehow more profound than all but a few of the diseased cranks from whom they get their ideas.
Folks, there are many great ways to come off like a smug asshole, but which can also make you sound halfway bright. Throwing around sheeple accomplishes the former, but leaves the listener with no doubt of your staggering and unfathomable idiocy.
Only One Of These Two Dudes Is Hip To What's REALLY Going On.
26 Wednesday Oct 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
backwater shithole, chemical toilet, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kleenex, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, North Korea, places that suck, port-o-potty, porta potty, shitty brands, United States of America
Of the world’s wretched, filthy and flyblown places, the haphazardly maintained Honey Buckets¹ encountered at some of America’s lonelier Interstate rest stops must surely rank among the foulest.
Actually, Being Forced To Live Your Life In One Of These Isn't Any Worse Than What You'd Experience In North Korea.²
25 Tuesday Oct 2011
Tags
9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff
Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.
Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism. Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.
Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job. This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations. Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.
Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.
Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments. It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.
The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11. Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy. Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.
Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.
24 Monday Oct 2011
Posted in Culture, Entertainment
Tags
action figures, Best Buddies, Don't Ask Don't Tell, gay, GI Joe, homoeroticism, Knowing is Half the Battle, toys, you got a real purty mouth
At last! A doll catering to those collectors of combat-themed action figures for whom GI Joe is insufficiently homoerotic.
Best Buddies May Be Gay As Hell, But They're No Sissies.
21 Friday Oct 2011
Tags
Bruno Hauptmann, Charles Lindbergh, Charles Lindbergh Jr., corporate welfare, fatcats, feudalism, Krauts, Lindbergh Baby, Lindbergh Kidnapping, meow!, patsies, Wall Street
Recent revelations prove conclusively that famed kraut patsy Bruno Hauptmann–who maintained his innocence until his execution in 1936–was unjustly convicted in the infamous Lindbergh Baby Case.
"Restore Feudalism Or The Baby Dies!"
20 Thursday Oct 2011
Tags
bad hair day, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, getting back at mom and dad, odious hairstyles, the stupid things white people do to their hair, youth
It's Difficult To Find A Personal Style Which Strikes Precisely The Delicate Balance Between A Fashion Statement Shocking Enough To Upset Mom & Dad, And One Which Doesn't Make You Look Like A Complete Asshole.
Promethean Times 