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Category Archives: Food

Commercials We Do Not Like: The Olive Garden

23 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Commercials, Corporate Culture, Culture, Food, General Foolishness, People, Relationships, Social Networking, Television

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Commercials, commercials we do not like, craptastic eatery, Elko, fat people, Italian food, Italy, Kentucky, Lexington, MSG, Nevada, Olive Garden, people of size, Red Lobster, seedy massage parlors frequented by Smaktakula, when you're here you're family, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

The Olive Garden has been crapping out adequate fare for nearly thirty years, all the while striving mightily to frame itself as the workingman’s access to continental dining.  Targeting those customers for whom the Red Lobster is too provincial, the Olive Garden aspires to bring the charm of an idealized Old World Italy to such unlikely spots as Lexington, Kentucky or Elko, Nevada.     

These Ample Eaters Are More Representative Of Olive Garden Customers Than Are The Beautiful People In The Commercials

No one begrudges Olive Garden’s right to pass off its inedible fare as authentic Italian.  Americans have long been tolerant of such culinary bastardizations, preferring them in most cases to the authentic ethnic dishes from which they came.  However, as understandable as Olive Garden’s right to make a profit from the insensate palates of gastronomically-benumbed Americans may be, their commercials venture into the realm of the unforgivable.     

One familiar commercial features a laughing group of family members engaged in spirited non-stop conversation about the food set before them, thrusting lightly with their forks at one another’s plates, merrily sharing food.      

Any real gathering of an American family that doesn’t include drunken recriminations and acidic passive-aggression is a sham.  Moreover, in the current climate of bacterial paranoia coupled with orgiastic overeating, anyone foolish enough to attempt snatching food from a neighbor’s plate is most likely to end the encounter with a fork jutting from the back of his hand.     

Another commercial features a similar assemblage, this time a group of upwardly mobile, physically fit and improbably racially diverse friends.  Like the aforementioned family, the hot young pals can think of nothing better to discuss than the fine fare at Olive Garden, until one asshat kills the conversation by declaring his intention of “doing the alfredo.”  Outside of their boorish behavior, these people bear very little resemblance to the mouth-breathing hominids one is likely to encounter within the stuccoed confines of this craptastic eatery.     

Olive Garden’s most memorable campaign is also its most odious.  It should be familiar by now: an unctuous voice, oozing with manufactured warmth, intones at the close of the commercial, “When you’re here, you’re family.”     

Really?  Unless it’s a tacit guarantee that the meal will be free, promising to treat the customer like family is cynical glibbery of the lowest order.  It’s doubtful that many people will recall Mom charging $14.95 for a lackluster plate of spaghetti with the promise of unlimited salad and MSG-encrusted bread sticks.     

And last is this commercial, which informs us breathlessly that “At Olive Garden, ‘generosity’ begins with a G,” clearly ignorant of the fact that the word also begins with a G throughout the United States and many parts of Canada.  However, the unconvincingly accented narrator goes on to remind us that at Olive Garden, generosity ends “when you are happy,” which sounds a lot like this Chinese massage parlor that Smaktakula knows about.     

 

Put Down The Crisco, Jabba!

25 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Duh, Food, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Political Correctness

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

big fatso, Center for Science in Public Interest, customer of size, do-gooders, fat ass, fat people, Jabba the Hutt, McDonald's, nanny state, person of size, syphilitic monkeys, Two and a Half Men, Why am I so fat?

The Center for Science in Public Interest wants you to know that it’s okay that you’re too stupid to make nutrition choices on your own, either for yourself or your children.     

That’s why the CSPI is threatening to sue McDonald’s, the world’s most popular purveyor of food-flavored edible products, unless the fast-food giant stops including toys with its popular Happy Meals.     

Not Only Did McDonald's Make Him An Evil Mutant, But It May Also Have Contributed To His Little Weight Problem.

“McDonald’s is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children,” CSPI’s litigation director, Stephen Gardner, said in a prepared statement. “It’s a creepy and predatory practice that warrants an injunction.”     

Countered a McDonald’s representative:     

“The toy is plastic, retard.  Zero calories.    

Y’know, if we really gave a fuck about the nation’s creme-filled arteries, we’d leave out the food.”     

It boils down to this:  You’re a syphilitic monkey too stupid to refuse poison if it’s presented to you in a nice bottle with a shiny bow.      

Don’t bother thinking about it.  Why don’t you watch some TV?  I think Two and a Half Men is on . . .     

I’ll Just Take My Fat Ass Somewhere Else: McDonald’s faces lawsuit over marketing to kids – Jun. 22, 2010.     

Smaktakula

Share With Facebook And I’ll Take You To Krispy Kreme

Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding

10 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Food, Health, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

adult breast-feeding, batshit crazy, dirty pillows, lactating, Milk Mullahs, mommy issues, Oedipus Rex, Saudi clerics, wacky mullahs, WTF?

Seriously, there isn’t a thing we could do or say that would make this any more batshit crazy.

Make Sure You’re Facing East When You Do It: Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding – AOL News.

Smaktakula 

Natural Selection On Display Within Somali Pirate Community

14 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Africa, Crime, Culture, Food, Health, Humor, International Relations, Justice, Military, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

buccaneers, corsairs, Emil Haagerdäddi, freebooters, Horn of Africa, maritime trade, natural selection, piracy, pirate community, pirates, scurvologists, slackjawed halfwits, Somali pirates, Somalia, Stupid Gene

By Smaktakula

The waters surrounding the Horn of Africa have long served as the historic hunting grounds of Somali pirates.  In the face of such diverse threats as globalization and climate change, the proud Somali buccaneers fight diligently to maintain their way of life.   Now, they may be aiding scientists to better understand how natural selection works in a real-life environment.

Recently, observers of the Somali pirate ecosystem have discovered a disturbing trend.  While most Somali pirates choose as their victims vulnerable vessels which command high ransoms, an increasing number of Somali pirates are attacking navy vessels in seemingly futile actions which almost always result in the pirates’ death or capture.  On the surface this sort of behavior would appear to be so moronic and assbackward as to threaten the Somali pirate community’s very existence.  In actuality, it is this phenomenon which keeps the community vibrant and healthy.

No Country For Old Men: Aging Pirates Like Simon (Above) Can't Afford To Retire

These are rough times for African corsairs.  An increasing number of young men are choosing the time-honored profession, but older pirates are clinging to their jobs, unwilling to trust in the Elderly Somali Pirate Fund, available to those venerable cutthroats who live long enough to reach retirement age at twenty-eight.  At the same time, maritime traffic around the Horn of Africa–a primary source of a Somali pirate’s livelihood–is becoming more scarce.  Compounding the pirates’ woes, those ships which do travel African waters are increasingly well-armed.

Enter the miracle of Natural Selection.  When there are too many pirates in relation to available plunder, nature ensures that the fittest and wiliest pirates live to produce numerous offspring, while pirates with less-favorable attributes are often killed before they can sire more than six or seven young.

His Favorable Genetic Characteristics Ensure A Life Of Swag, Booty and Wenches Wenches Wenches!

For years, scientists have theorized about a possible ‘Stupid Gene’ in humans.  Now, with a seemingly greater number of Somali pirates acting like idiots, scurvologists (maritime piracy scientists) believe they have their proof.  ‘Stupid Gene’ theory postulates that during times of abundance and lack of adversity, the so-called ‘Stupid Gene’ (DDD) rarely manifests.

Stupid Gene proponents claim that the situation in Coastal East Africa demonstrates the soundness of the theory.  Says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at The East Africa Maritime Council, an Omaha, Nebraska-based think tank.

You’ll notice that during the times of abundance–when there are a lot of poorly-defended ships in East African waters, we see fewer pirate casualties.

The really interesting thing is when there are fewer ships off the Horn, and a greater presence of well-armed naval vessels on the lookout for pirates, we’re seeing a lot more dead pirates.  We believe that pirates who exhibit DDD {the ‘Stupid Gene’} are the ones attacking the naval vessels and getting slaughtered for it.

But in this way, healthier and stronger pirates reap the rewards of plunder, and pass on their superior genes to generations of freebooters yet unborn, thus making the community as a whole stronger.  It’s quite beautiful, really.

The 'Stupid Gene': Kind Of A Bummer, But Necessary For The Greater Good

Presumably it’s not as beautiful for those pirates afflicted with DDD, scores of whom perish each month at the hands of navy personnel or well-armed merchant seamen.  Dr. Haagerdäddi counters, “No one cares what stupid people think.”

But scientists do care how stupid people act.  If further scientific research does uncover proof of a ‘Stupid Gene,’ it will go a long way toward answering questions which have for centuries bedeviled philosophers, social scientists and other observers of slackjawed halfwits.

Great Moments In American Diplomacy: January 1992–Bush 41 Pukes On Japanese PM

05 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Asia, Food, General Foolishness, Health, History, Humor, Justice, People, Politics, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bush 41, diplomacy, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Japanese Prime Minister, Kiichi Miyazawa, Prime Minister of Japan, puke, vomit

George Herbert Walker Bush Remembers The Arizona

A Nation Of Size

17 Wednesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Food, General Foolishness, Health, National Events

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

childhood obesity, Cop Out, Kevin Smith, Michelle Obama, nanny state, obesity, person of size, Zack and Miri Make a Porno

By Smaktakula

Two seemingly disparate news stories from last week are really two sides of the same coin.  These events appear different from one another in a number of respects.  One is national news, the other tabloid gossip.  One is provocative, and–as are all things political in the new era–controversial.  The other just a little sad.  Yet they both speak to how much recent attention the media has given to food and health issues, and in particular, to the “obesity epidemic.”      

A Hutt of Size

First was the announcement of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign, a war on childhood obesity.  The much-discussed initiative has well-intentioned aims, but it is difficult to see it as anything other than as an another indication that government is in the parenting business for good.  That the nation as a whole is becoming increasingly unhealthy is something upon which most Americans will agree.  Still, it is a testament to how seriously the problem is perceived by Americans, that a growing portion of the electorate apparently believes that the government knows best what’s in the interest of the children.  Haven’t we already been told that it takes a village?      

Continue reading →

From The Telegraph UK: Becoming Vegetarian Can Harm The Environment

16 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Europe, Food, General Foolishness, Health, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

climate change, emissions, environment, Telegraph UK, tofu, United Kingdom, vegetarianism

The evidence is mounting: Tofu is the greatest menace the world has ever known.

Read about the sinister toll of vegetarianism: Becoming vegetarian ‘can harm the environment’.

Smaktakula

From The Boston Globe: Big Brother Out Of Control

15 Monday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Commercials, Constitutional Issues, Culture, Food, General Foolishness, Health, Politics, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Audi, Big Brother, Boston Globe, childhood obesity, Green Police, Jeff Jacoby, nanny state

An interesting piece by the Boston Globe’s Jeff Jacoby.

It’s no secret that Americans are too fat for their own good, and that many parents make poor choices in determining what their children eat.   While this may not rise to the level of crisis to which some observers have attributed it, childhood obesity is a problem, and combating it a laudable goal.  However, the government’s role in this crusade should be tangential at best, lest parents surrender more of their rights to the state.

Check it out:  Big Brother out of control – The Boston Globe.

Smaktakula

From ABC News: Kevin Smith Too Fat To Fly

15 Monday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Food, General Foolishness, Health, Humor, Movies, Political Correctness

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

customer of size, fat people, Kevin Smith, Southwest Airlines

Customer of Size.  It’s the new Fatso.  Sure, it takes three more syllables to say,  but you can throw it around with a clear conscience.

Big Story Here:  Kevin Smith Too Fat to Fly – ABC News.

Smaktakula

They’ve Got The Wrong Man!

11 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Food, General Foolishness, Reality Television, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Beau Macmillan, celebrity chef, Guy Fieri

When I saw the headline: Celebrity Chef Arrested, I knew–KNEW–it was gonna be THIS guy.

You got away this time, Guy Fieri.  But we’re watching you.

Smaktakula

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