07 Friday Dec 2012
Posted in History
On which the Japanese imitation of American culture and technology reaches its zenith, when the Japanese government, eager to benefit from Western knowledge, sets off a chain of events which results in its learning a very big lesson.
Although It Took Four Long Years Before The US Could Return The Favor, All Parties Agreed It Was A Blowout For The Ages.
04 Tuesday Dec 2012
Not All Of Our Time-Travel Dreams Involve Doin’ The Nasty With Joan Of Arc.
Were I able to travel through time and make the 4th dimension my bitch, I’d try to use my power wisely. One thing that I think would be a lot of fun is to travel forward in time. The first thing I’d do is track down the dude¹ who will eventually cure cancer, and punch him in his fucking face.
The Second Worst Thing About Cancer Is That It Turns The People Who Love You Into Humorless Ninnies. The Worst Thing? We Suspect You Already Know.
Wait a minute now, righteous ragers–hear me out! Like just about everyone else on planet earth, I’ve felt cancer’s collateral damage. I know about loss.
On The Bright Side, A Broken Heart Makes You A Stronger Person.
But just think about it: when history tells the story of the dude who finally cured cancer, the tale will be that much cooler if, in addition to all the other obstacles surmounted in his quest to eradicate this hideous disease, he managed to do it despite some asshole punching him in the face.
“First Of All, I’d Like To Thank The Nobel Committee For Selecting Me For This Singular Honor…”
29 Thursday Nov 2012
Tags
Barack Obama, Beach Boys, cannibalism, David Viens, Ehud Barak, Gangam Style, Gaza, hazing, headlines, Paul McCartney, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, Van Halen, Wings
We Admire Your Indefatigability, But It’s Been Almost Twenty-Six Years. He’s Gone.
Money lessons from a lifelong teacher ~ If this guy knew the first thing about money, he would have chosen a more lucrative profession.
When Mommy writes naughty books ~ Mommy is an award-winning writer of erotic fiction. And a whore.
Chef David Viens convicted of killing, cooking wife ~ Most damning, several of the guests complained that Viens’ signature flambé d’Rhonda in white plumb sauce was both insipid and jejune, and moreover, that the chef’s bizarre pairing of a 1992 Mouton was not at all complimentary.
16 Ways Your Trash Could be Your Treasure ~ And 16,000,000 ways it’s not.
14-Year-Old Charged with Killing Newborn Son and Hiding in Shoebox ~ Please be on the lookout for this suspect. He’s armed, dangerous and very, very tiny.
After Being So Ill-Used By The Almighty, It’s Only Natural That Runtiness Should Lead To Evil.
Illinois mom stabs son, little girl 150 times to ‘get back’ at husband: cops ~ What happened to just sleeping with his boss?
A Yiddish ‘Gangnam Style’? ~ Hey now–that’s not kosher.
For Perpetrators and Victims, Suppressing Temptation of College Hazing Rituals ~ What’s the point in belonging to something if just anyone can join? You’ve got to weed out the weaklings, folks.
Steve Jobs Is Not Dead ~ Yeah, but really, he is.
At Cat Video Film Festival, Stars Purr for Close-Ups ~ We go every year. Oh, we’re not into cats so much as we are pathetically lonely ladies in knit sweaters. That and the sweet tang of urine.
Beach Boys break up again — Brian Wilson, 2 others, forced out ~ That makes all the sense of kicking Paul McCartney out of Wings.
We Were Gonna Say ‘Like Kicking Eddie Out Of Van Halen,” But That Doesn’t Really Matter Anymore, Does It?
Storm was cruel to elderly who refused to evacuate ~ Wait–you did say ‘refused,’ right? Sometimes there’s a thin line between cruelty and comedy.
Couple says baby decapitated during delivery ~ So maybe Mom should ease up a little on those Kegel exercises.
Woman who shot boyfriend said she was giving him ‘nose job’: detective ~ Is that a joke? If so, they should let her go. That’s pretty funny.
Boy Accidentally Dropped Tot from Window Trying to Impress Mom, Sources Say ~ Sadly, he only succeeded in making an impression in the sidewalk.
Where are all the millennial feminists? ~ Giving daddy a nice foot-rub.
Gaza crisis: Israel’s Barak calls up army reservists ~ No way! Now Israel has its own Barack? Next thing you know, the French are gonna be trotting out their version, “Baracque.”
The Chinese Will Copy Anything. He’s Ours, Damn It!
How to Have an Orgasm ~ You know, most people figure that one out all by themselves.
Help! My Daughter Is an Introvert ~ The realization can be painful, we know. But with help–and a lot of love–there’s no reason your daughter can’t live a comparatively normal life. Remember, the world needs librarians.
Whale tried to ‘speak’ in human voice ~ It was promptly burned at the stake by horrified townsfolk.
An Overwhelmed Mother’s Departure Memo ~ MEATLOAF IN FRIGE FRIDGE HEAT ON HI 3 MIN LOVE YOU–HOMEWORK!!!
10 Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Lesbians ~ Fact #3: About 85% of lesbians say they enjoy eating pizza.
Cambodia Is Seeking 2nd Statue ~ Ha ha. You’re a poor country.
We Were Led To Believe That They Had Tons Of Statuary. See? History Is Nothing But A Pack Of Filthy Lies!
Ukraine’s Elections: A Unique Kind of Democracy ~ It’s unique in that it isn’t very democratic.
What Would Abraham Lincoln Do? ~ He’d start a fucking Civil War, that’s what he’d do! What–was Jesus busy or something?
Kim Jong-Un is a dictator says his teenage nephew ~ Oh REARRY? Suh-suh-stop the puh-presses, Ben Bradree, kuh-’cause it rooks rike we got ourserves a rittre suh-suh-suh-scoop!
What If Hurricane Sandy Had Slammed Miami? ~ It would go a long way toward alleviating the Social Security crisis.
Navy removes ship’s command after boozy port visit ~ We’re not sure that sends the right message. Perhaps we shouldn’t shatter the mystique of the finest maritime fighting force the world has ever known. If you take away drunkenness, whores and fistfights, it’s just a bunch of dudes on a boat.
“Christ, This Is Lame…Anybody Want To Have Sex?”
12 Monday Nov 2012
Tags
1918, Abraham Lincoln, Armistice Day, coast guard, Great War, KISS, KISS Army, Marines, United States Air Force, United States Army, United States of America, US Navy, World War One, WWI
A Lot Like Mt. Rushmore, If Abe Lincoln Were Able To Puke Up A Bellyful Blood On Command.
In the years since the cacophonous guns of the Western Front fell silent on November 11th, 1918, ending the ‘War to End All Wars,’¹ humanity has sought to mark this anniversary by paying tribute to those men and women who risk their lives in the service of their nations. For those of us who have lived our lives in the relatively prosperous and safe West, this is no more than what we should do.
On this special anniversary, called Veterans Day in America, we honor military personnel regardless of the their branch of service, not only our heroic warriors in the Army, Navy and Marines, but also dudes in the Air Force and Coast Guard. We are justifiably proud of this custom. Sadly, this honor is not applied equally: the public continues to ignore the many distinguished contributions of the KISS Army.
The KISS Army: In Terms Of Raw Firepower, The Rough Equivalent Of The Salvation Army.
The KISS Army was officially mobilized in January of 1975. Formed to protect America’s shores from the from the insidious forces of lameness, the KA was instrumental in keeping at bay for many years the twin blights of disco and country-rock. For two generations the KISS Army has made the nation a place where a man or woman can rock & roll all night, and party every day.
Promethean Times believes that a soldier is a soldier, whether his c.v. includes Fallujah ’03 or the Grand Rapids Fairgrounds ’07. The KISS Army marches to its own drummer, doing things differently from some of the other branches of the Service–its continuing observance of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ or its liberal drug policy, for example–but its members deserve the same recognition as do all those brave warriors who fight tirelessly for our freedom.
What Distinguishes It From The Real Army Is That You Can Do All The Drugs You Want, And You Won’t Get Your Ass Kicked For Wearing Makeup.
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18 Thursday Oct 2012
Posted in Entertainment, History, True-Ass Tales
Tags
botulism, Earl, fast food, Kathy, KFC, schadenfreude, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, vomit
Remember Folks: You Are What You Eat.
In which something funny becomes unfunny, but then becomes funny again!
Tardsie opines on the practice of trafficking underage sex slaves:
Tardsie shares a personal detail:
07 Sunday Oct 2012
Posted in History, True-Ass Tales
In which our hero finds himself at a low point, made lower still by a visit to the 5th Circle of Hell.
The Scriptures Warn Of This. “Have Ye Not Heard It Said That The Masters Of Horses And Asses In All Places Alike, One Unto Another? And Hath Not The Testimony Of Your Own Eyes Born Witness To The Same? It Is True: They Are All Of Them Cocksuckers.”
Although It’s No Fun At All, The DMV Offers Many Of The Same Features As Do America’s Large Theme Parks: Tortuous Lines, Hefty Fees And Cold-Blooded Fascism.
02 Tuesday Oct 2012
Tags
"Junior", ADHD, America--Fuck Yeah!, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, bullies, Captain Underpants, congress, cyber-bullying, drugs, Europe, headlines, heroin, illiteracy is not funny!, imaginary racism, Islam, Josef Stalin, kiddie porn, Louisville, models, Mt. Everest, Occupy, racism, sex tape, tigers, UN, United Nations, United States of America, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?
See, Folks? Scientists Aren’t Any Smarter Than You Are, And Apparently Get Laid About As Frequently.
Racism could sway the election ~ Because–God knows–the first Western country to elect a black man as president just HAS to be a bigot’s paradise.
A day in the life of a New York Fashion Week model ~ Smoke cigarette. Breakfast: 2 Rye-Crisp crackers & Ex-Lax. Smoke cigarette. Purge. Smoke some heroin. Nod out. Smoke cigarette. Purge. Repeat.
Does Louisville Need More Highways? ~ Does Louisville even have paved roads?
How Everest dream ended in tragedy ~ You know, it seems like an awful lot of them end that way. Maybe try a smaller mountain.
UN observers investigate reported Syria massacre ~ Their findings? “Somebody should do something about that.”
Despite Its Mind-Boggling, Unforgivably Heart-Breaking Impotence, The United Nations Has Yet To Meet Its Equal When It Comes To Hand-Wringing, Finger-Pointing And Speechifying.
Why Parents (and Teachers) Should Embrace Captain Underpants ~ So they can hold that wily fucker down until the cops arrive. Even one more child is one child too many.
Will the Occupy movement dissolve Spain’s parliament? ~ We wouldn’t put a lot of money on it. ‘Accomplishing stuff’ really wasn’t Occupy’s thing, you know?
Protests are as mindless as anti-Islam film ~ Right? Sure, the film hurt feelings, but those protests cost people their lives, so they’re equally bad!
What to Do If Your Child Is the Victim of Cyberbullying ~ Tell the little bitch to first pick himself up and grow a pair, then go outside to play with his real friends.
Europeans would re-elect Obama in a landslide: poll ~Gosh. It sure is hard to discount the political wisdom of the folks who within living memory happily put into office a dude so thoroughly heinous that he remains to this day the benchmark for bloodthirsty, mass-murdering madmen.
And Then, Of Course, There’s This Fellow. Did You Still Need A Few More Examples, Or Are You Content For The Time Being To Tend To Your Own Fucking Knitting?
The most important conversation you’ll ever have ~ Won’t be with the assbag sitting next to you on a long flight. But you already knew that.
Deciding When a Pet Has Suffered Enough ~ Mr. Mittens made the decision to shit on the carpet; we’ll decide when Mr. Mittens has suffered enough.
Anti-Islam Filmmaker Who Provoked Attacks Used Pseudonym ~ Wouldn’t you? Man, if there were such a thing as a prosthetic name, we’d be telling this guy to go right out and buy one.
Model Teacher Accused Of Sex With Student ~ AND she’s a model? Kid, you hit the fucking jackpot!
10 Medical Conditions Misdiagnosed as ADHD ~ Is “retardedness” a medical condition?
Schwarzenegger: Affair ‘stupidest thing’ he did while married ~ Are you sure the stupidest thing you did wasn’t starring in that movie ‘Junior?’ Because, seriously–that’s got to be right up there.
Cheating On The Fabulously-Wealthy Living Skeleton You Married Was Inarguably Dumb, But This!–This Remains An Affront To All That Is Good And Decent.
Congress has little motivation for compromise before election ~ Or after.
Class Reunion Letter Lists ‘White Graduates Only’ Party ~ We’re pretty sure that even had the school’s black alumni been invited to the party, most of them probably would have declined, as many no doubt live about 1,000,000 miles from that shithole, and moreover, will likely only be induced to return on the day that the devil sees his breath while standing on his own front porch.
A Terrifying Way to Discipline Children ~ Is acceptable if it gets the job done.
Teenagers Say Parents Text and Drive ~ Yeah, but how seriously can you take what they say? Teenagers can’t even be trusted to tell you where they were last night.
Exercising Won’t Help Overweight Children Shed Pounds: Study ~ Okay, first of all, bullshit. Secondly, please don’t tell them–it tickles us so to watch the fatties run.
No bowing necessary for Americans ~ And all it cost us was two atom bombs.
And You Know What? It Looks Like We’re Gonna Stay With Our Forks, Too.
Confronted about child porn, man shoots two deputies ~ They should have figured he’d be a little sensitive about that.
Will Starving Yourself Help You Live Longer? ~ As much as bleeding a lot will.
At Estée Lauder, a Brand Is Developed Just for China ~ It’s called “Estée Rauder.”
Woman Sues Ex Over Trove of Secret Tapes ~ Despite what the headline says, we’re inclined to believe that the woman’s lawsuit against her ex concerns a trove of very public tapes.
Man Mauled in Bronx Zoo Tiger Den ~ Both parties got their just desserts.
“He Wasn’t All That GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!”
07 Friday Sep 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, History
Tags
America--Fuck Yeah!, Bob Dylan, Cormac McCarthy, Edgar Lee Masters, Friederich Nietzsche, Les Miserables, No Country For Old Men, Pearl Harbor, Primo Levi, quotations, Richard Adams, Salman Rushdie, Spoon River Anthology, Survival in Auschwitz, the Exodus, the Greatest Generation, The Ground Beneath Her Feet, The Reivers, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Victor Hugo, Watership Down, William Faulkner, Winston Churchill, You Jivin' Me Turkey?
You Won’t Find The Really Good Ones In Here.
We very much appreciate a piece of well-expressed wisdom. For this reason among so many others, we have continued to compile over the years a collection of quotations which not only inspire us, but inform the philosophy which has thus far guided us through a life which has been pretty damn awesome.
Taking our inspiration from Bad Brad, the eccentrically eclectic force behind You Jivin’ Me Turkey?, who never fails to find powerfully affecting–and largely unfamiliar–quotations, we’d like to start your weekend with some of the passages that figure most centrally in our own lives. And just as our lives are improved in some measure by the unexpected wisdom curated by folks like Brad, we hope that you will find something in what follows which speaks to your own journey. Have a great weekend, folks!
This Is An Actual Photo Of Brad. He Has A Condition Which Makes Him Look Like An Animated Character. Don’t Make Fun.
The Difference Between The Two Of You Is That You See The End Coming. So Why Not Live It The Best You Can?
The Main Reason Winston Churchill Was Able To Achieve Renown As One Of History’s Greatest Englishmen Was That He Was Half-American.
So Buck Up, Pussy!
We Always Thought Watership Down Was About A Bunch Of Rabbits.
We Know That Forgiving Yourself Was Never Going To Happen. Remember, Though–For Those Who Loved You, It Wasn’t A Betrayal But A Miracle.
24 Friday Aug 2012
Tags
Anaheim Angels, avoiding responsibility, Barack Obama, binge drinking, black people, breast implants, breastuses, celebrity deaths, childish sexual innuendo, comical despots, death penalty, DUI, fun with stereotypes, great white shark, Greece, headlines, Holocaust, Japan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Joe Biden, Kim Jong-un, Kylie Minogue, legitimate rape, Mary Kay, Mitt Romney, Molly Ringwald, North Korea, peanuts, Phyllis Diller, racism, Rally Monkey, rape, Sikhs, Snoopy, Spongebob Squarepants, Tampa Bay Rays, Taylor Swift, Teletubbies, Ukraine, untalented authors, white people, whitey, your mother must be very proud
Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.
Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?
Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”
Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.
What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.
Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”
“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”
Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.
I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.
Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.
Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.
Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.
How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.
Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!
Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.
For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.
Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.
The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.
Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.
Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.
Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.
Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.
‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.
Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.
Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.
Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.
Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.
And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.
How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!
Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.
Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.
North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.
Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.
Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.
Have A Great Weekend, Folks!
18 Saturday Aug 2012
Tags
censorship, Clay Aiken, despots, douchebaggery, hairless man-boys, jizz-goblin, places that suck, pussy pussy pussy!, Pussy Riot, Russia, shut your mouth!, Vladimir Putin, vulgarity is the secret ingredient
Just As Good Policies Sometimes Have Adverse And Unforeseen Consequences, Autocratic Douchebaggery Can Occasionally Have A Silver Lining.
In attempting to muzzle criticism of his increasingly despotic rule, Russia’s President, with the cheerful assistance of the authoritarian kleptocracy’s kangaroo courts, has perversely managed to shatter a long-standing barrier to free speech. By jailing for two years a punk band for the crime of hooliganism, the humorless tyrant has thrust the words P***y Riot¹ into polite discussion.
To Be Fair, This Is What Passes For Polite Discussion Nowadays.
True to our innovative and inclusive nature, the United States has for many years been home to a number of vaginally-themed musical acts:
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P***y Riot: It Doesn’t Have To Be Vulgar.
Promethean Times 
