Category Archives: Promethean Times

Diddy Unveils Ridiculous New Name

23 Monday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula
P. Diddy pops his collar

"Don't Ever Be Afraid To Let Your Ego Write Checks Your Talent Can't Pay."

Surprisingly, the public is still paying attention to the tiresome karaoke enthusiast (most recently) formerly known as Diddy.  Having followed the minimally-talented showboat through such ridiculous incarnations as ‘Puffy,’ Puff Daddy and P. Diddy, the performer’s surprisingly resilient fan base has demonstrated time and time again an admirable knack for putting up with exquisite jackassery.

This Guy Is Similarly Talented To Swag--He's A Decent Singer, And Once Knew A Big Fat Black Guy Who Liked To Rap.

That resilience is called upon once more as the multinominal mogul satisfies his rapacious and now-comical ego by sucking marrow from the bones of his waning credibility.   In honor of himself, the ex-Diddy has demanded that for the next week he be called by his exciting temporary name: Swag.

No, 'Swag'--Not 'Schwag.'

However, a cadre of techno-savvy fans believe they have solved Swag’s naming algorithm, and can predict the mercurial performer’s next incarnation.  These super-fans are already referring to Swag by his presumed next nom de hip-hop–Swiggy.

"Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose."

We think he should go for a name that rhymes with ‘Swag’–We’ve got a good one ∞T.

Clowns: A Final Solution

20 Friday May 2011

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By Smaktakula

The old ‘Clowns-in-a-Car’ gag.  It’s okay, we guess–but imagine how many more clowns you could stuff in there if you simply chopped them up first.

"Hath Not A Clown Eyes? If You Prick Us, Do We Not Bleed? If You Tickle Us, Do We Not Make A Loud Honking Noise?"

Clowns make everything funny. ∞T.

For Some, Work Can Be A Grind

19 Thursday May 2011

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By Smaktakula

There's No Simple Answer To The Question 'What Time Does Ana Get Off?'

Life is stressful.  Work is stressful.  For most of us, there’s no escaping it.  But those for whom the pressures of everyday life are too much grasp desperately for anything which might bring a modicum of  relief.   One such person is Brazil’s Ana Catarina Silvares Bezerra, an accountant who takes a hands-on approach to stress relief.  Bezerra combats her workday woes by masturbating as much as 47 times a day.

Direct Physical Manipulation Is The Secret.

Unsurprisingly, Bezerra initially encountered some resistance from her employer, who asked that the accountant not flick her bean at work.  Bezerra was undeterred, and took her complaint to the Brazilian courts, insisting that she was suffering from severe anxiety and hypersexuality, and that rubbing one out was the only sure means to combat these conditions.  The courts agreed, and now Bezerra is free to watch porn on her work computer, all the while vigorously pleasuring herself.

Sometimes Ana Keeps A Snack In The Top Drawer Of Her Desk.

Although the accountant’s co-workers have gradually come to accept her thrice-hourly grind, she met with some resistance at first.  Bezerra’s orgiastic gyrations were often misperceived as fits of some kind, and even after the nature of her unique ailment was revealed, her onanistic episodes still caused moments of confusion.  Said one coworker, “We couldn’t tell if she was having a stroke or just having a stroke.”

Touch It. Go Ahead. Maybe Rub It A Little.

Stupid Show Now Even More Stupider

18 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

"If'n That Funny-Ass Show Don't Come Back To The Moving-Picture Box, I's Gonna Drink Some Turpentine An' Die. That's What I'm Fixin' To Do."

Across the nation, morons who love bad TV are screeching with joy and hurling their own feces at one another upon the news that Two and a Half Men will be returning to television.  Fans of vapid entertainment were disheartened in recent months by reports of the inane series’ demise following the implosion of the show’s star, toothless pharmaceutical experiment Charlie Sheen.  However, as they have so many times in the past, the doomsayers prognosticating Two and a Half Men‘s demise have vastly underestimated the American public’s rapacious appetite for all things vulgar and grotesque.

The Many Faces Of The Master Thespian: This One's Called "Gay & Crazy."

Two and a Half Men will continue to dumb up the airwaves for at least another season, thanks to the arrival of minimally-talented prettyboy Ashton Kutcher.  Kutcher is best known for his roles in That 70s Show and Punk’d, as well as for banging an old lady.

Despite Her Age, Demi Works Hard To Keep Her Body Lean.

Two and a Half Men‘s producers acknowledge that Kutcher brings neither star power nor charisma to the show, and admit that the replacement actor’s mushy intellect makes the cocaine and whiskey-befuddled Charlie Sheen seem like Alan Greenspan in comparison.  They counter, however, that as a living, breathing organism, Kutcher is more than qualified to play the 1.0 men which the script requires.

The Mind-Numbing Complacency Inspired By 'Two And A Half Men' Saves Lives.

Promethean Times Reacts To Schwarzenegger Shocker

18 Wednesday May 2011

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By Smaktakula

"Remember When I Told You I'd Impregnate You Last? I Lied."

Really, we couldn’t care less.

Wanna see what the cleaning lady saw?  Click here.  Remember, kids–it’s NSFW.

I Like Ike–But Just As Friends

17 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, History

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By Smaktakula

Perhaps it is the aphrodisiacal rush of power which causes influential men to stray from their spouses, or it may simply be that the oversexed are compelled strive for positions of power.  Either way, the truth is the same: Great men chase a lot of tail.

34th US President Dwight D. Eisenhower was no exception.  An inveterate skonk, Ike was constantly on the hunt for beaver.  Among his many conquests, however, were some shaming defeats.  Perhaps the most ignominious of these was his failed seduction of activist Helen Keller.

Ike Thought He'd Get More Traction From The Line, "You Won't Get Pregnant If You Can't See It Coming."

Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

16 Monday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News, Religion

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By Smaktakula

Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.

The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything.  They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth.  But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.

Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.

This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn.  As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.

Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.

Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel?  The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.

A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.

Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium.  Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’  Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’

Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.

Sensitivity Levels Slowly Returning To Normal After Japanese Nuclear Disaster

13 Friday May 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, News

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By Smaktakula

The Biggest Danger Of Joking About A Nuclear Disaster Is The Potential Fallout.

At long last a damaged world is beginning to heal and learn to laugh again.  On March 11, a massive earthquake off Japan’s west coast set in motion a calamitous chain of events which would prove among the worst disasters (natural or otherwise) to befall humanity in its long and inglorious history.  The devastation caused by the quake was horrific enough, but the resultant tsunami added to the death toll and caused a critical equipment failure and subsequent release of radioactive material at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant.  Thousands of people died in the tragedy, and many more remain missing.   More still face unknown peril from the radiation leak. For the Japanese, and for anyone who has been affected by this epic tragedy, the pain continues.

In The Last Century, The Japanese Have Weathered innumerable Natural Disasters, Two Nukes And Dozens Of Giant Irradiated Monsters--They Can Take A Joke.

But for the rest of the world, it’s getting better.  As radiation levels around the stricken nuclear power plant begin to drop, so too does the level of sensitivity with which observers must approach this disaster.  In certain regions, the Japanese disaster is becoming safe for jokes.

Life In Japan Is Slowly Returning To Normal. However, Invariably, Mutations Will Occur.

Potential jokers are cautioned that jokes about this recent tragedy will remain in poor taste for some time, and as such may receive a bad reaction even in so-called ‘safe’ regions.  However, unless you’re working for Nintendo, Sony or another Japanese outfit, you’re no longer likely to be fired for telling one.

Timing Is Everyth--"AFLAC!"

The Japanese people, unable to list ‘well-developed sense of humor’ among their many national accomplishments, will most likely never see anything remotely funny about this catastrophe.  Still, if any people have proven their resilience in surviving not one, but two previous nuclear disasters, it’s those hardy folk in the Land of the Rising Sun.

Today's Horoscope: A Little Boy Will Bring A Big Surprise.