• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Category Archives: Sports

Dear Leader Tells N. Korea Soccer Team: It’s Arr Good, Ferrahs!

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, Games, Human Rights, International Relations, Justice, People, Politics, Relationships, Soccer, Sports, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ass-whupping, Brazil, comical despots, Dear Leader, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, North Korea, Portugal, Pyongyang, Soccer, Supreme Leader, World Cup

By Smaktakula

Word came quickly from Pyongyang today in an effort to quell the persistent rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il is displeased with North Korea’s poor showing at the World Cup.  The team’s first match, a respectable 2-1 loss to highly ranked Brazil, was followed by a humiliating 7-0 ass-whupping at the hands of Portugal.          

This Man's Poor Performance Not Only Shames His Nation, But Also Costs His Daughter Her Thumbs

Said a representative of the impoverished third-world hellhole:          

The Dear Leader is very pleased with the effort of our beloved national athletes, although he is, of course, disappointed at the results.  Likewise, there is no truth to the rumors that Kim has executed the atheletes’ parents, only to cook them and serve them to the defeated players upon their return.          

He continued:          

Nor should any credence be given to the wild allegations that the water supply to atheletes’ homes has been cut off.  Like everyone else in North Korea, they never had running water.          

Following their disappointing performance, the players are no doubt eager to leave the chaos of the free world behind and return to a simpler life in North Korea.          

The athletes will be given a hero’s welcome.  Just as Promethean Times went to press, Pyongyang announced that the Dear Leader would be hosting a private banquet for the footballers upon their arrival in North Korea.          

"When You Great Athretes Get Home, I Got Rearry Big Surprise For You. I Think You Rearry Gonna Rove It!"

Share The Awful Truth With Facebook

Step Dancing Is For Everybody?–Not So Fast, White Girls

21 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, Games, Music, National Events, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Sports

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

affirmative action, African-Americans, bigotry, black sorority, Brooklyn Dodgers, bullying, cultural theft, diversity, evil bigots, exclusionary policy, hypocrisy, Jackie Robinson, liberal guilt, meritocracy, political pressure, prejudice, professional race baiters, quotas, racial shakedown, racism, racist, reverse racism, Sprite, step dance, Step Off, whining, white girls, White girls. Why did it have to be white girls?, white guilt, white sorority, Zeta Tau Alpha

By Smaktakula

The women of Zeta Tau Alpha made history recently when they were awarded first-place at Step Off, a prestigious step competition hosted by Sprite.  What makes this victory historic is that step dance, a synchronized dance routine typically performed by nine women, has long been exclusively an African-American tradition.   Zeta Tau Alpha is a white sorority.               

Critics of Zeta Tau Alpha’s victory say that this is just one of many instances in a long history of culture theft by whites.  Furthermore, these critics contend that while the art form’s exposure to a wider, multi-racial audience is certainly to be desired, the potential for non-black dancers to win is not.  It is an insult, they say, for a white sorority to be awarded first place.              

A brief explanation of the difference between white and black sororities.  White sororities, which by virtue of being white are more exclusionary, are open to women of all races, and include many African-Americans.  Black sororities, in an effort to preserve diversity, are exclusively African-American.              

The people who don’t want white girls in step dancing would like you to know that they are merely preserving their proud cultural heritage, and despite so many marked similarities, are not at all like the evil bigots who strove to keep Jackie Robinson out of the Major Leagues.           

WWJRD?

There was a great deal of grumbling over Zeta Tau Alpha’s victory, but the judges’ decision signalled that the art form was ready to embrace diversity and celebrate its coming-of-age in the wider culture.          

White Sororities Are Exclusionary

Black Sororities Promote Diversity

Despite the furor from groups who thought it wrong that a white sorority won, the judges stuck to their guns.  For a week.  Then they realized they’d made an unspecified scoring error of some sort and called it a tie.              

Critics of merit-based solutions hailed this as “a victory for all people who value equality and fairness above talent and hard work.  The squeaky wheel really does get the grease!”         

Bravo, ladies.

Strike A Blow For Racial Equality By Sharing This With Facebook

Lakers Come From Behind To Dominate Celtics After Three Quarters Of Furious Grappling

18 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Basketball, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, Relationships, Sports, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Basketball, Boston Celtics, childish sexual innuendo, Kobe continues to do Magic on the court, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA, NBA Finals, Paul Pierce, Ron Artest, sports rivalries, World Champions, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Last night the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers continued their great rivalry, coming together in a decisive game seven of the NBA finals.        

Fans have always responded to the passion engendered by these two teams.        

Athletes have often been compared to warriors.  Never was it more true than last night.  The players were so like the ancient Spartans or Athenians that you could practically see their greek forefathers hovering over their shoulders as the two teams grappled for four sweaty quarters.  They grunted and heaved as they wrestled for the sweat-slick ball, teeth bared in the straining, exultant agony of exertion.   This is the great beauty of the sport: the breathtaking juxtaposition between the animalistic abandon with which the game is played, and the delicate, almost sensual ball-handling of these gentle giants.       

When it was over, both teams had given it all they had, and left quite a bit of themselves on the glistening floor.  Ultimately, the Lakers came out on top, roughly coming from behind to stun the Celtics, who, with tears in their eyes, could only take it in the end.            

They Met As Enemies, But Became So Much More

Share The Love With Facebook  

Dedicated to two very special Laker fans.

Celebrating 40 Years Of Hallucinogens In Baseball

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, People, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

acid, Baseball, Dock Ellis, dose, drugs, fry, hallucinogens, I can see through time, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, no-hitter, Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, substance abuse, trippin' balls, tripping, trips

By Smaktakula

On June 12th, 1970, Dock Ellis of the Pittsburgh Pirates somehow managed to pitch a no-hitter while tripping his balls off on LSD.       

As with any such feat, the success is not due to Ellis alone.  Without his teammates’ stellar defense, this achievement would have been a longshot at best.       

According to Ellis, much of the credit for the victory must be accorded to the baseball, which provided invaluable aid by telling the frying hurler which pitches to throw.       

"With This No-Hitter, My Plan Is At Last Coming To Fruition. You Know What Must Happen Next. BURN THEM, DOCK! BURN THEM ALL!"

  

Milton Bradley Is Batshit Crazy

17 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Games, General Foolishness, Health, People, Relationships, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anger management, Baseball, batshit crazy, booby hatch, I Kill You!, Milton Bradley, nutty as a fruitcake, personal issues, Seattle Mariners, unfortunately-named celebrities

Milton Bradley has asked for some time off from the Seattle Mariners to focus on his personal issues.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut . . .

Get well soon, Dear Friend.

A-Rod Is A Douche

10 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Humor, People, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

A-Rod, ad hominem, Alex Rodriguez, douchebaggery, Gay-Rod, New York Yankees

The Douchebaggery Is Strong In This One

No special reason.  We just like to go ad hominem sometimes.

Nashville Mixed Martial Arts Fans Treated To Extra Helping Of Violence

19 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

affray, bloodsport, brawl, dustup, melee, mixed martial arts, mouth-breathing halfwits, Nashville, skirmish, smackdown, Tennessee, tooth & blood man, wholesome family entertainment

Bloodsport fans are no doubt upset by the shocking brawl which erupted in the ring after a Mixed Martial Arts bout in Nashville:

Promethean Times hopes that the event’s organizer will address this shameful situation.  MMA fans, many of whom brought their families, came expecting to see two nearly naked men in a cage beat one another into submission, surrounded by a deafening crowd of mouth-breathing halfwits crying out their love of carnage.

Unfortunately, violence broke out before the tooth & blood man had the opportunity to clean the canvas, proving it only takes one or two bad apples to ruin an evening of wholesome family entertainment.

You Can’t Rassle When You’re Still Wearin’ Clothes: Post-fight fight mars Jake Shields’ big win – Josh Gross – SI.com.

Smaktakula

Pissing Away Money Is The New National Pastime

16 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, Political Correctness, Politics, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Barry Obama, chaw, chewing tobacco, congress, dip, douchebaggery, government waste, grandstanding, Jerry Springer, MLB, National Pastime, pissing away money, profligate spending, Rep. Frank Pallone, smoking Obama, snuff, spit, tobacco

A Douche Against Dip: A Lot Like Jerry Springer, But With Less Dignity

  

Apparently taking to heart the concept of America spending its way out of recession, a NJ congressman is calling for a hearing regarding the use of tobacco Major League Baseball.         

Rep. Frank Pallone (D-N.J.), who helms the energy and commerce health subcommittee, said that the practice provides a poor example to young people who are baseball fans.         

 

The disastrous effect seeing a handful of athletes engage in a disgusting habit might have on America’s impressionable children aside, it’s not clear why the grandstanding representative thinks the government should have any say regarding the use of a legal product by adults.         

Now it might be different if the baseball players drew their salaries from the public dime, like this guy:       

No, I Said Barry BONDS Shouldn't Smoke.

Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children!?!: Congressman to hold hearing into baseball and chewing tobacco.

Promethean Times Heartily Regrets Giving Milton Bradley The Benefit Of The Doubt

12 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, General Foolishness, People, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

asshat, douchebaggery, flip off, flip the bird, middle finger, Milton Bradley, rude gesture, Seattle Mariners, Texas Fans, Texas Rangers, the Ballpark at Arlington, vulgar gesture

By Smaktakula
Seattle’s Milton Bradley gives the finger to Texas fans.
 
Who’s dumb enough to believe that an asshat like Milton Bradley could or would comport himself in a manner befitting a professional athlete?
 
Promethean Times, that’s who!
 
Thanks for making us look stupid, Milt.

I Am An Unrepentant Asshat

Yeah–Fuck you, too.

CNN Can Think Of Only One Reason For America’s Ambivalence Toward Soccer

24 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Soccer, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

boring games, China, football, lame sports, low-scoring games, mullets, Soccer, soccer flops, soccer mullets, sports Americans do not like, sports juggernaut, The Beautiful Game, United Kingdom, United States Soccer, World Cup

Holy Mother Of God--Time Has Run Out! Why Has The Game Not Stopped? (Translated From The Italian)

        –It’s not because soccer is such a low-scoring game that matches are as futile as tether-ball for the blind.            

         –It’s not for lack of exposure to the game, as if trendy American parents haven’t been forcing soccer on their offspring for at least two generations.                

     –It apparently has nothing to do with the fact that the United States, a sports juggernaut, has never managed to field a World Cup men’s team able to muster better than a third-place finish (with those heady days of soccer glory being well-over half a century in the past).                

     –Nor is it due to the contact rules which encourage players to eschew their dignity and flop on the ground like hooked sturgeon when struck by anything harder than a stiff wind.                

    –It isn’t a reaction to effete europhiles who confuse soccer with the entirely dissimilar game of football.                

    –Amazingly, it has nothing to do with the shameful proliferation of mullets throughout the sport.               

This Is Considered An Acceptable Hairstyle In Soccer

No, according to CNN, America’s ambivalence to soccer isn’t for any of those excellent reasons.  Apparently, the Yankee disdain for “The Beautiful Game” stems from a desire to thumb their noises at their former British masters.               

For this same reason, it’s likely that ping-pong will never be more than a frat house game in America.  Eschewing table tennis is a great way for Americans to show defiance toward their current Chinese masters.           

          

Even The Paddle Is Red

Goooooooooooooal!: Why America never fell in love with soccer – CNN.com.               

Smaktakula
← Older posts
Newer posts →

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • Incest: On The Other Hand...

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

Tweets by prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031  
« Oct    

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri's avatarVivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim's avatarTim on People Actually Believe That?…
Unknown's avatarAnonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley's avatarDudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Unknown's avatarAnonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Smaktakula's avatarSmaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David's avatarDavid on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius's avatarRackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula's avatarSmaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro's avatarYoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Unknown's avatarAnonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C's avatarAlex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom's avatarUsman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James's avatarLary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…
Jay's avatarJay on Teachable Moments

Tardsie D. Bagg

Unknown's avatar

Smaktakula

Unknown's avatar

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Promethean Times
    • Join 457 other subscribers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Promethean Times
    • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...