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Category Archives: National Events

It’s April 15th–Don’t Forget To Pay The Man

15 Thursday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Humor, Movies, National Events, Politics, Prison Culture

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April 15th, audits, bully, bullying, Deliverance, Eeeeeeee!, income tax, Internal Revenue Service, IRS, Ned Beatty, squeal like a pig, Tax Day, you got a real purty mouth

This Man's Tax Rate Makes Him Squeal

Courtesy Tips You Need To Hear Right Now: Driving

15 Thursday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, National Events

≈ Leave a comment

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courtesy tips, dickheadedness, driving, jackassery, proper behavior, slow assholes in the left lane

By Smaktakula

Tip 1: If cars are passing you on the right*, it’s high time you stop being such a jackass and move the fuck over.  Thanks.

*For drivers living in freakish, left-lane driving countries such as the UK, New Zealand or Australia may wish to reverse these directions, as well as to add a superfluous U or E here and there to the correctly spelled American words.

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Natural Selection On Display Within Somali Pirate Community

14 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Africa, Crime, Culture, Food, Health, Humor, International Relations, Justice, Military, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

buccaneers, corsairs, Emil Haagerdäddi, freebooters, Horn of Africa, maritime trade, natural selection, piracy, pirate community, pirates, scurvologists, slackjawed halfwits, Somali pirates, Somalia, Stupid Gene

By Smaktakula

The waters surrounding the Horn of Africa have long served as the historic hunting grounds of Somali pirates.  In the face of such diverse threats as globalization and climate change, the proud Somali buccaneers fight diligently to maintain their way of life.   Now, they may be aiding scientists to better understand how natural selection works in a real-life environment.

Recently, observers of the Somali pirate ecosystem have discovered a disturbing trend.  While most Somali pirates choose as their victims vulnerable vessels which command high ransoms, an increasing number of Somali pirates are attacking navy vessels in seemingly futile actions which almost always result in the pirates’ death or capture.  On the surface this sort of behavior would appear to be so moronic and assbackward as to threaten the Somali pirate community’s very existence.  In actuality, it is this phenomenon which keeps the community vibrant and healthy.

No Country For Old Men: Aging Pirates Like Simon (Above) Can't Afford To Retire

These are rough times for African corsairs.  An increasing number of young men are choosing the time-honored profession, but older pirates are clinging to their jobs, unwilling to trust in the Elderly Somali Pirate Fund, available to those venerable cutthroats who live long enough to reach retirement age at twenty-eight.  At the same time, maritime traffic around the Horn of Africa–a primary source of a Somali pirate’s livelihood–is becoming more scarce.  Compounding the pirates’ woes, those ships which do travel African waters are increasingly well-armed.

Enter the miracle of Natural Selection.  When there are too many pirates in relation to available plunder, nature ensures that the fittest and wiliest pirates live to produce numerous offspring, while pirates with less-favorable attributes are often killed before they can sire more than six or seven young.

His Favorable Genetic Characteristics Ensure A Life Of Swag, Booty and Wenches Wenches Wenches!

For years, scientists have theorized about a possible ‘Stupid Gene’ in humans.  Now, with a seemingly greater number of Somali pirates acting like idiots, scurvologists (maritime piracy scientists) believe they have their proof.  ‘Stupid Gene’ theory postulates that during times of abundance and lack of adversity, the so-called ‘Stupid Gene’ (DDD) rarely manifests.

Stupid Gene proponents claim that the situation in Coastal East Africa demonstrates the soundness of the theory.  Says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at The East Africa Maritime Council, an Omaha, Nebraska-based think tank.

You’ll notice that during the times of abundance–when there are a lot of poorly-defended ships in East African waters, we see fewer pirate casualties.

The really interesting thing is when there are fewer ships off the Horn, and a greater presence of well-armed naval vessels on the lookout for pirates, we’re seeing a lot more dead pirates.  We believe that pirates who exhibit DDD {the ‘Stupid Gene’} are the ones attacking the naval vessels and getting slaughtered for it.

But in this way, healthier and stronger pirates reap the rewards of plunder, and pass on their superior genes to generations of freebooters yet unborn, thus making the community as a whole stronger.  It’s quite beautiful, really.

The 'Stupid Gene': Kind Of A Bummer, But Necessary For The Greater Good

Presumably it’s not as beautiful for those pirates afflicted with DDD, scores of whom perish each month at the hands of navy personnel or well-armed merchant seamen.  Dr. Haagerdäddi counters, “No one cares what stupid people think.”

But scientists do care how stupid people act.  If further scientific research does uncover proof of a ‘Stupid Gene,’ it will go a long way toward answering questions which have for centuries bedeviled philosophers, social scientists and other observers of slackjawed halfwits.

Archbishop Okay With Honor-Killings, But Draws The Line At Pedophilia

12 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Crime, Culture, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Scandal, World Affairs

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Archbishop of Canterbury, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, hypocrisy, lost all credibility, pedophile priests, Rowan Wilson, Sharia law, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Rowan Wilson, the Archbishop of Canterbury, maintains that the Catholic Church in Ireland has lost “all credibility” over the widespread allegations of abuse by the clergy.

However, the attention-seeking cleric’s credibility has been many times called into question over asinine comments such as his musings that some aspects of Sharia law be incorporated into British courts.

He's Anglican, Not Catholic--Parents Should Not Hesitate To Entrust Their Children To This Man

This Just In:  Apparently the Archbishop doesn’t draw the line at pedophilia–his Self-Righteousness has recanted his statements condemning the Catholic Church.

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Marijuana Legalization Will Transform Humboldt Into Appalachia

30 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, National Events, Plantlife, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

ballot measure, California, California marijuana initiative, cannabis, cannabis cowboys, dope, drug legalization, ganja, grass, hemp, Humboldt County, illicit shadow industry, legalize it, marijuana, marijuana legalization, outlaw growers, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Zig-Zags, Ziploc

By Smaktakula

In the debate over California’s upcoming ballot measure to legalize marijuana, Promethean Times has heretofore resisted editorializing so that the electorate might arrive at its own decision in November.  However, the discourse has done little to educate voters, and instead has achieved the converse: leaving them confused and angry about what may very well be the defining issue of our times.  This imperative makes clear the mandate that Promethean Times, as a long-trusted source of clear and accurate information, make known its stand on this very important issue.                            

Promethean Times does NOT support the effort to legalize marijuana in California.  America’s stoners have been duped: decriminalizing cannabis is nothing more than a smokescreen for a concerted attack on vital American industries.  Unfortunately, hemp-heads don’t have much time to think about these things, electing to preserve their attenuated attention spans for an Aqua Teen Hunger Force mini-marathon.                            

By Any Means Necessary: These Hippies Don't Care Who Gets Hurt As Long As Reefer Is Legal

Voters are already well-acquainted with legalization’s most obvious dangers: increased crime and urban blight in the form of  such scenarios as pot smokers robbing local businesses at gunpoint to support their habit, women selling themselves for as little as a dime bag, and formerly pristine streets of mainstream America festooned with Ziplocs and Zig-Zags.  Moreover, anti-weed activists speak ominously of a critical snacks and munchies shortfall–the stoner’s equivalent of a “Perfect Storm.”  If America found itself in the throes of a CSMS during a national event such as the Super Bowl or Final Idol, the effect upon the nation would be both immediate and calamitous.                      

As bad as those things are, they fail to take into account a hitherto undiscussed result of marijuana legalization: the effect legalization will have on outlaw marijuana growers.   These cannabis cowboys fear that legalization will not only prove the death knell for a once-thriving industry, but also for a time-honored and cherished way of life.                         

Ghosts Of Prohibition: "T'warn't Revenuers Whut Den Dis Tuh Meh, But Ta Ruhpeel Uh Ta Eighteenth Menment. That'n Inbreeden."

The growers are right to be worried.  If pot is legalized, the high quality marijuana which currently is grown in remote places like Humboldt County, California, will be available in areas of the state which up to now have been forced to settle for shwag or Mexican dirtweed.  Within months of legalization places like Humboldt County will more closely resemble Harlan County, Kentucky than their former selves.                     

But the grim toll of legalization does not end with the outlaw growers and their families.  Also affected are the businesses, often local, which provide the materials for the illegal grow operation: fertilizer & feed stores, horticulture supply stores, as well as companies manufacturing steel-jaw traps for catching poachers, lawmen and unlucky hikers.                            

What effect will legalization have on local peace officers?  Much like tips are to servers, local law enforcement officers feed their families with the bribe money they receive from growers.  Similarly, the need to use thousands upon thousands of  man hours in the effort to interdict a tiny portion of the drug trade helps DEA agents pay their mortgages.  How will California voters explain to the families of these law enforcement officers that because they can’t shake their jones for the sweet, sweet cheeba, there won’t be any Christmas this year–or ever again?                            

Legalization will be harmful enough within the borders of California, but will metastasize beyond the borders even of the nation.  With the loss of the illegal marijuana trade, the Mexican drug cartels will be forced to rely solely on the enormous profits they derive from the sale of methamphetamine, cocaine and heroin, as well as the lucrative human-smuggling market.  It’s easy to see the human face of marijuana legalization when one considers that the average Mexican narco-enforcer has 7 children to feed.                            

The Hidden Victims Of Legalization: Bribe Money Keeps His Daughter In Catholic School

In November, California voters will be presented with an historic opportunity–the chance stand arm-in-arm with the hard-working men and women toiling in America’s illicit shadow industries, to advocate on behalf of  La Familia hitmen and the Federales they bribe,  and to support the legal industries which help support illegal grow operations–by voting NO on marijuana legalization.   Americans are best served by restricting their indulgences to safe and legal products such as alcohol or tobacco.  

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The Legalization Question

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Health, National Events, National Politics, Plantlife, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

ballot box, California, California marijuana initiative, cannabis, doobage, dope, drug legalization, ganja, grass, hemp, legalize it, marijuana, marijuana legalization, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, the initiative, Tommy Chong, weed

California voters will have the opportunity in November to legalize marijuana through the ballot box.  Cannabis legalization is a complicated and contentious issue, requiring every voter to search his or her own soul.  There are no easy answers.   

Promethean Times will not attempt to influence popular opinion by revealing our stand on this hot-button issue.  We recommend instead that the public seek an unbiased opinion about the pros and cons of marijuana legalization from experts such as this distinguished gentleman:   

Tommy Chong: Leaning Toward A Yes Vote

 
Smaktakula

Biden’s Latest Gaffe Actually Endearing

24 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Biden being Biden, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Obama Adminstration, This is a big f****** deal, This is a big fucking deal, Vice President Biden

Not realizing his comments would be overheard by the media there to cover the signing of the health-care bill, Vice President Joe Biden gushed to his boss, “This is a big fucking deal.”

This is an entirely apt statement, and uncannily accurate for Biden: the big deal is that the government does the fucking; the American people don’t have to do anything more than look back over their shoulders and watch. 

Still, as far as Biden-being-Biden goes, this statement is pretty innocuous.  It’s not like when he said Hillary Clinton would have been a better choice as VP or that Obama was the “first mainstream African-American who is articulate and clean and a nice-looking guy.”

As a refreshing counterpoint to the braying triumphalism of harridan Nancy Pelosi, Biden’s gee-whiz enthusiasm seems genuine, infectious and forgivable.  Someone get that VP a puppy!

Biden Has A Potty Mouth: Vice President Joe Biden embraces health care bill signing with profane term – latimes.com.

Smaktakula

Guardian: Lonely Death Of Juanita Goggins, Trailblazer Of US Civil Rights

22 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History, National Events, People, Politics, Race, Regional Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Al Sharpton, black leaders, civil rights, civil rights leaders, death by exposure, death by freezing, first black woman elected to South Carolina legislature, Guardian UK, Juanita Goggins, mental illness, obscure political figures, posterity, William Ayers

 

I am going to Columbia to be a legislator, not just a black spot in the House chambers.        

                                                                                                                                     Juanita Goggins        

 The story of Juanita Goggins is at times both inspiring and pathetic.  Goggins, whom the Guardian calls “a trailblazing politician and civil rights activist,” was the first black woman elected to the South Carolina legislature.  Despite such a monumental zenith, Goggins’ was found earlier this month frozen to death in her rented South Carolina home.  Her neighbors had no idea the part she had played in the civil rights history of South Carolina and of the nation.        

The most compelling historical figures are not cardboard cutouts; they have warts and flaws which help to set their accomplishments in human terms.  Juanita Goggins was certainly no exception.   A great many famous names grapple with one another to gouge out their place in the constantly rewritten history of the civil rights movement.  The cruel proof of posterity’s fickle nature is that it canonizes the likes of race-baiting hustler Al Sharpton or unrepentant terrorist William Ayers, while relegating minor–but important–figures like Juanita Goggins to the dustbin of history.        

 Juanita Who?  Yeah, that’s the rub: Lonely death of Juanita Goggins, trailblazer of US civil rights | World news | guardian.co.uk.        

Smaktakula

NY Times: Drone Attack Is Said to Kill a Senior Al Qaeda Leader

19 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in International Relations, Middle East, Military, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

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Afghanistan, al Qaeda, corrupt Afghan despot, Hamid Karzai, Hussein al-Yemeni, North Waziristan, Pakistan, secret meetings

On March 8th, in Pakistan’s North Waziristan province, an American drone eliminated al Qaeda bad guy, Hussein al-Yemeni .        

Just so that there’s no hard feelings, I hope somebody checked first to make sure this douchebag wasn’t holding secret meetings with al-Yemeni before the US smoked him:        

Whose Blood And Treasure Will Be Required For Afghanistan?

Hopefully Our Staunch Ally Karzai Won’t Be Upset When He Reads Drone Attack Is Said to Kill a Senior Qaeda Leader – NYTimes.com.

Rhode Island Asshat Hangs President In Effigy

19 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, Politics

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Tags

asshat, Barack Obama, Central Falls, douchebaggery, fired teacher, Frances Gallo, fucknugget, George W. Bush, hate crime, jackassery, No Child Left Behind, president hanged in effigy, president hung in effigy, racist, Rhode Island, Rhode Island teacher, teachers, teachers union, The Elementary and Secondary Education Act

President Obama appears to like George W. Bush’s odious “No Child Left Behind,” a policy which for years now has been ensuring that No Child Gets Ahead.   A name change–“The Elementary And Secondary Education Act”–and a few tweaks, allow the current president to continue to revile the former chief executive while himself continuing those once-reviled policies (see also: Victory in Iraq, Obama and).

One fired Rhode Island teacher was particularly displeased with Obama’s education agenda.   And did this gentleman display his displeasure in a manner which would not only make his point, but do it in a gentle and poignant way, one hopefully which wouldn’t cast those opposed to Obameducation (formerly Bushedjumication) as fringey lunatics?

He did not.  He hanged the President in effigy.

He.  Hanged.  The.  President.  In.  Effigy.  That’s a great way to rally people to your cause– if the people you want to attract wear tinfoil over their heads and obsess about fluoridation.

Nice going, fucknugget.

Kudos to the Washington Post for not mentioning the words “racist” or “hate crime.”  They’ll most likely include them in tomorrow’s edition.

Check out this guy’s dickhead move: Obama effigy hung at RI school with fired teachers – washingtonpost.com.

Smaktakula
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