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Tag Archives: badassery

The Harpy Eagle: ‘A Very Special’ Apex Predator

28 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

apex predators, badassery, bald eagle, eagles, golden eagle, harpy eagle, Mexico, Panama, United States of America

By Smaktakula
Harpy Eagle (Harpia harpyja)

The Hardest Part Of The Harpy Eagle Conservation Effort Is Getting Them To Spend Their Relief Checks On Something Other Than Malt Liquor And Lottery Tickets.

Pity the harpy eagle.  Although considered the largest and most powerful predatory bird in the Americas, the harpy eagle is the underachiever of the raptor world.  Like the bald eagle, its more successful cousin who has enjoyed a better than two-hundred year run as the spokesanimal for the United States of America, or the golden eagle of Mexico, the harpy eagle also works as a national mascot.  Sadly, the harpy eagle’s best option was a position with Panama, which in addition to being a type of hat is apparently a country in Central America important as a maritime trade route.

Eagle v. Bear

The Bald Eagle Just Sets His Sights A Little Higher.

Despite the inherent badassery in being a big, tough eagle, the harpy continues to embarrass its predatory brethren through sub-par achievement.  Perhaps most telling about this slacker apex predator is its choice of diet.  How tough can the bird be when among its primary food sources are the worlds stupidest and slowest mammals respectively?–the opossum, that cowardly night-skulker, and the sloth, nature’s evolutionary doorstop.

Catching A Sloth Requires Less Work Than Catching A Cold.

Fuck Yeah!

Underage Hitman Is Idol Of Boys Worldwide

15 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News

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Tags

Agent Cody Banks, Arturo Beltran Leyva, badassery, badassery as a legal defense, bling, border, California, cocaine, Cuernacava, drugs, Edgar Jimenez Lugo, El Negro, El Ponchis, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, hitboy, hitman, Julio Padilla, La Barbie, Mexican Army, Mexican drug cartel, Mexico, narcos, pussy, San Diego, Tijuana, United States of America, Yolanda Lugo Jimenez

By Smaktakula

Most young boys dream of growing up to do great things: being a starship captain, secret agent or superhero.   In Mexico, one pubescent boy did more than just dream; laughing in the face of the naysayers, he did what the world thought impossible for a lad of his tender years.  He became a hitman.

"Yo Tengo Mi Mente En Mi Dinero Y Mi Dinero En Mi Mente."

Edgar Jimenez Lugo claims to have participated in no fewer than four beheadings as a wetworks man for a Mexican cartel.  Known until his arrest only as ‘El Ponchis,’ the hitboy is currently under extra security for his protection.

Lugo reportedly worked for Julio “El Negro” Padilla, a narco whom Lugo’s sister, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, was said to bang.  Padilla, along with other rising narcos such as La Barbie, came to power in the vacuum created by the killing of Arturo Beltrán Leyva.

No Es Bueno: It Turns Out That Being A Narco's Lady Entails More Than Just Carats and Coke.

Lugo came to worldwide attention after he and several other youths were identified in a YouTube video claiming to be hired killers for the cartels.  Despite an intensive search lasting several months, the boy was not apprehended until December, when Mexican soldiers arrested him along with Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo at the airport in Cuernavaca.

Authorities claim the pair were bound for Tijuana, where they planned to cross the border to see their mother (by some accounts stepmother), Yolanda Lugo Jiménez in San Diego.  Thanks to the careless pair, Mrs. Jiménez and her husband are now in the process of being deported.

That's Right, Barbie: He's Younger, More Famous And Has A Better Nickname.

However, no such fate awaits the boy assassin–if anything, El Ponchis may be imported: he is American-born.  Furthermore, the boy claims that his actions on behalf of the cartel were due to coercion, and that he had been drugged.

Whether Lugo is the maniacal beast that cable news would have us believe, or as is equally likely, if he’s just a big-talking kid who’s gotten in way over his head by giving the media a story it’s only too happy to digest without critical thought, he’s given young boys worldwide a benchmark toward which to aspire.  For that reason, we hope young Edgar Jimenez Lugo is found Not Guilty For Reasons Of Badassery.

Pussy.

Nimrod The Hunter

19 Tuesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Stupidity

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Tags

badassery, jackassery, Nimrod, Star Wars Kid, the Bible, the Hunter, the Talmud

By Smaktakula

Very little is known about Nimrod the Hunter, and much of the information available about the ancient ruler is of uncertain historical accuracy.  Moreover, some texts, like the Bible and Talmud, offer differing accounts of Nimrod’s life.

Believed by some to be a wise and learned king, by others to be an incestuous despot whose hubris spawned the Tower of Babel, it’s difficult to describe the historical figure of Nimrod with any certainty.  However, all sources agree on one point: Nimrod was an unparalleled badass.

"Nimrod The Hunter Demands Wenches And Ale!"

Tragically, although Nimrod’s renown has long since faded into historical silence, his name remains in common use.  But instead of tough-guy machismo, the name is now associated with dudes like this:

What A Fucking Nimrod.

Homeland Security Chooses To Ignore Growing Threat Of Winged Terror

30 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, Relationships, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Airbus, Alfred Hitchcock, badassery, Birds of a Feather, Blame Canada!, Bush Doctrine, Canada, Canadian geese, Chesley Sullenberger, competence, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., four legs good, geese, hero pilot, heroism, La Guardia, New York, North Carolina, pro-avian agenda, suicide attack, Sully, Sully Sullenberger, Terrorism, The Birds, two legs bad, US Airways Flight 1549

By Smaktakula
Note:  This is the third installment in our ongoing environmental series, Does Nature Want You Dead?  Yes It Does. The previous installments are SHAMU Sleeper Agent Wreaks Havoc At Florida Amusement Park and Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn.’

At 3:27 PM on January 15th, 2009 a catastrophe was averted by inches.  Shortly after US Airways Flight 1549 took off from La Guardia International in New York en route to North Carolina’s Charlotte/Douglas,  several geese managed to bring down the Airbus A320 by flying simultaneously into both of the aircraft’s engines.

Levelheadedness and expertise were the only things standing between Flight 1549 and a cataclysmic, horrorshow ending in the steel canyons of New York City.  Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, aided by his ice-nerved co-pilot and well-trained crew, was able to wrestle the dying plane into the Hudson River.  Miraculously, all 155 humans on board Flight 1549 survived.

Chesley Sullenberger: His Fierce Badassery Helps Mitigate The Handicap Of Such A Gay Name.

It is fitting and proper that the focus of this incident remain on the lives saved in the face of such impossible odds.  However, that does not excuse turning a blind eye to the fact that several geese–for reasons yet unknown–took out a massive passenger plane with an intricately planned and precisely executed suicide attack that very nearly cost 155 innocent people their lives.  Yet no one is asking, “Why did this happen?”

The exact number of geese involved in taking down Flight 1549 has never been determined.  All the geese who participated in the attack are believed to have perished.  However, witnesses reported seeing a flock fleeing the scene in the seconds after the attack.  To date, not one of these geese has been apprehended.

There have been some troubling indications that a foreign power may be involved.  Almost all witnesses reported that both the attacking geese and those seen fleeing the scene were Canadian Geese.  The FAA claimed to have no knowledge of any scheduled flock along that air route.  The fact remains that several Canadian Geese were flying in American airspace, something no one disputes.  And yet you hear nothing about this from conventional media outlets, particularly those in areas sharing a border with our “friends” to the north.

There was a time when the beak-and-feather set had a healthy respect for humanity.  These birds of yesteryear would have to be content with expressing their displeasure through a well-timed bowel movement.  Their descendants are proving not nearly so patient.

That these birds can strike any plane at any time should terrify all of humanity.  That it does not is an indication of just how far the pro-avian media has pushed its “Birds of a Feather” campaign.  Recently, there have been attempts by several school districts to ban Alfred Hitchcock’s award-winning documentary, The Birds.

The Hollow-Boned Menace Laughs At Our Weakness

The air-travelling public is left with two choices.  The first, an initially more painful: a return to the Bush Doctrine with regards to America’s growing Avian-Aquatic Mammal-Shark problem, and hunt these beasts down where they hide–hunt them down like dogs! . . . dogs that fly or swim.

The second choice is to not make a choice at all.  To continue with feel-good featherist policies–to bury our heads in the sand, in the parlance of our avian enemy–is to sign our death warrant as a species.  As we speak the avian menace has the capacity to take out any aircraft–private, commercial or military–anywhere in the world.  Don’t think they won’t do it.

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