Tag Archives: North Carolina

Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

20 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Headlines, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport

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By Smaktakula

We Believe It Is Vitally Important To Treat An Issue With The Same Respect You Would Accord To Any Other Issue.

In which we celebrate our awe-inspiring ignorance by commenting on the headlines to articles we can’t be bothered to read.

***

The Reasons Kim and Kanye Picked The Name “ North ” May Surprise You ~ So it isn’t because they’re both brain-dead half-wits? Because, yeah–anything else WOULD be a surprise.

America’s new Irish immigrants ~ Every bit as drunken and shiftless as the last batch.

Vote: Should Marijuana Users Be Arrested? ~ Hmm. You know, a better question might be, “Should you go fuck yourself?” You already know our answer.

Ark. SWAT officers kill man, 107, in standoff ~ Seems like maybe they could have waited around for just a little while and let nature do the messy work for them.

Seahorses stalk their prey by stealth ~ As opposed to the many, many animals which prefer to stalk their prey by making a god-awful racket.

Docs explain why James Bond prefers his martinis ‘shaken, not stirred’ ~ Because James Bond has a very serious drinking problem, and his friends are terrified to talk to him about it.

“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”

The Ridiculous Things Lost On NYC Trains ~ We don’t consider a 14-year-old’s virginity to be at all ridiculous.

Why We Cry on Planes ~ Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.

Does doing yoga make you a Hindu? ~ We dunno. Does blowing shit up make you a Muslim?

Why A Peanut Butter Test For Alzheimer’s Might Be Too Simple ~ For the same reason that the Saltine Cracker AIDS test was a bust.

5 comments never to say to someone who’s grieving ~ “You poor dear! Look at the mess he left you; no matter how many times you scrub, you just can’t get gray matter out of chintz curtains–Lord knows how I’ve tried.”

Can TIME Predict Your Politics? ~ TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover. Grow up.

“But What Do The Kardashians Feel Is The Best Solution To Stem The Seemingly Intractable Internecine Bloodshed In South Sudan?”

Paul Walker’s Last Words Revealed ~ “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Would You Date a Much Younger Man? ~ How much younger? ‘Cause at a certain point, it starts to get a little…you know…illegal.

Atomic bomb nearly exploded over North Carolina in 1961, report says ~ Which would have been awful, sure–but we’d still have South Carolina. It’s not like we need ’em both, anyway; in a pinch, we could make do with just one Carolina.

Why I shun the Champs Elysees ~ Because it’s infested with Frenchmen. Duh.

The 4 Dangers Destroying Men ~ 1) Women, 2) Ladies, 3) Chicks, and in the case of gay men, 4) Gal Pals.

Restaurant Report: Chinese buffet facing violations ~ Well, if it met health and safety standards, it just wouldn’t be a Chinese buffet, now would it?

“Taste Just Like Chicken!”

5 simple things a tired mama wants for Christmas ~ Baby, I got everything you need right here in my pants–it’s a gift certificate for the day spa. You’re so special!

LBJ’s reaction to JFK’s death ~ “Hah! We got that son of a bitch!”

What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.

Cheney Feared Terrorists Could Hack His Heart ~ Are you reading this, Hamid?

Suzanne Somers is having sex — and a lot of it ~ Titillating is to disgusting as 1981 is to 2014.

Figure skating champ Boitano says he’s gay ~ It’s hard to say how this stunning revelation will play out in the hyper-masculine world of men’s figure skating.

It May Not Be This Year, Or Even The Next, But Someday Men’s Figure Skating Will Have To Embrace Tolerance.

Whether you like it or not, the U.S. needs Mexico ~ It’s like the pretty girl who brings her ugly friend to parties.

Iran says all sides agree to N-deal ~ But still, no one can actually bring themselves to say the N-Word.

Erich Priebke, Nazi Who Carried Out Massacre of 335 Italians, Dies at 100 ~ Hopefully this will put it in perspective for you: God doesn’t care about Italians.

Am I Bankrupting Social Security by Taking Benefits I May Not Need? ~ Heavens, no! Cowardly politicians are bankrupting it by refusing to address it in any meaningful way.

Woman’s Husband Told Her She’s Not Pretty Enough ~ Still looking for the last honest man?

You Won’t Believe the Jobs Walmart Is Creating ~ Shitty ones.

Well, How Can You Be Trusted To Help Me When You Can’t Be Trusted To Make Sound Career Choices?

Members Only

23 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in History, News

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By Smaktakula

Promoting Equality And Unity Through Race-Based Exclusion.

Americans take pride in the notion that their nation is a meritocracy, a place where the pathway to success remains open to every man, woman and child regardless of his or her race. This has not always been the case: for almost two-hundred years the United States denied equal rights to all its citizens based on the color of their skin. But times have changed, and most 21st Century Americans regard as odious any organization which precludes membership based on race. This is particularly true with regard to government.

Meet the Congressional Black Caucus. African-American members of the House of Representatives founded the CBC in 1971 to address inequities within the African-American community, particularly in regard to poverty, economic security, voting rights and health. Because the Caucus concerns itself exclusively with issues of importance to black Americans, critics of the Caucus or of Caucus members often find themselves cast as racists. The Caucus’ virtual immunity from criticism has until very recently permitted a remarkable lack of press scrutiny.

She Likely Takes A Dim View Of Race-Exclusive Organizations.

Although their membership has been primarily composed of Democrats (there have been a handful of black Republicans in congress over the years), the Congressional Black Caucus is not officially affiliated with any party. Other than being a congressperson, the one qualification for membership in the CBC is being black.

Despite this non-partisan stance, it might be expected that with the Caucus being almost exclusively comprised by Democrats, Caucus members’ loyalty might be divided between race and party. Not so. On numerous occasions the CBC has supported primary challengers against sitting Democrats if the challenger was African-American and the sitting Democrat was not.

Pete Stark, a California Democrat and white person, tried to join the CBC in 1975. Although the Caucus’ rules do not specifically prohibit white people from joining, Stark was politely rebuffed.

The CBC Is Keeping It Real, And By Real We Mean Exclusively African-American.

More recently, another white guy tried to join the club–Tennessee Democrat Stephen I. Cohen. While campaigning in the heavily black district formerly held by Harold Ford, Cohen promised that if elected, he would join the Caucus to better represent the interests of his constituents.

Cohen failed to understand that the CBC’s interest lie with black politicians, not black constituents. Shortly after Cohen won the seat, the Caucus made it clear that even one caucasian was one too many.

Undercover Brother: The Rep. From NC Is A Proud Member Of The Caucus.

Said Representative William Lacy Clay Jr., a Missouri Democrat, “Mr. Cohen asked for admission, and he got his answer.” Defending this policy, which might seem reminiscent of a Jim Crow era No Negroes In The Country Club practice, Clay said, “It’s an unwritten rule. It’s understood. It’s clear.”

Cohen said he became convinced that joining the caucus would be “a social faux pas” after seeing news reports that former Rep. William Lacy Clay Sr., D-Mo., a co-founder of the Caucus, had circulated a memo telling members it was “critical” that the group remain “exclusively African-American.”

Unfortunately, the delicious irony of race-based exclusion by a congressional body stemming directly from the civil rights movement seems lost on the members of the Caucus.

“Sir, There Is Nothing At All Ironic About Your Racism!”

Is It Racist?

01 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Would you be racist if you were to say this dude looks kinda looks like an older, fatter Hitler?

Racist? The Hitler Thing Is Tiresome, But It's Hardly Racist.

But wait just a moment! This gentleman is Rep. G. K. Butterfield of North Carolina, a member of the Congressional Black Caucus–he’s African-American.  That’s right–you just compared a black guy to Adolf Hitler, you filthy racist.

"Hey Bud, You Wanna Hang Out Sometime?"

We hope you’re proud of yourself. ∞T.

Pork: The Other Hate Meat

09 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Get It Straight: Bacon Doesn't Love You. It's Only Hanging Around To Get A Crack At Your Hot Sister.

In American society’s quest to regulate speech in the interests of sensitivity and to answer the burning question Why are we so full of hate?, it must constantly reexamine various societal motifs and weed out those which have gained hateful properties. One of America’s favorite meats has undergone such a transformation: pork has stepped over to the dark side.  It is now a hate meat.

So If You Were Trapped On A Desert Island, And The Only Things Available To Eat Were Either A Pig Or A Jewish Dude . . .

To Muslims, the pig is one of many objects and things proscribed by Islam as ritually unclean.  Detractors of the Religion of Peace have begun to exploit this injunction.  Pork-related anti-Muslim attacks are on the rise across the country, including a recent episode where the words PIG and CHUMP were spelled out in bacon on a sidewalk in front of a North Carolina mosque.  For many within the Muslim community this was no bit of porcine playfulness, but nothing less than a direct assault on the peaceful teachings of Islam–a hate crime.

Not Quite So Literal, Jackass.

Some observers wonder: Are anti-Muslim activities on the rise, or has the Muslim community become more sensitive?  The Jewish faith has a similar proscription against pork, and has no doubt suffered many of the same food-related indignities as have Muslims in its long association with American life.  Nonetheless, we don’t hear as much about the hate food issue from Jewish people, who are perhaps more concerned with actual violence–sometimes perpetrated by Muslims–rather than imagined, symbolic violence.

While We're On The Subject Of Ritual Cleanliness, Let's Talk About That Beard.

In this regard, strictures on Muslim hygiene are much more severe than those of the Jewish faith, possibly the origin of the favored Islamic epithet, “dirty Jew.”  Whereas Jews only have to avoid eating unclean creatures, and more obvious prohibitions like not fornicating with them or wearing their skins, Muslims go all the way, with some even declaring an image of something unclean to be an affront to the Almighty.

And Worst Of All, The Little Infidel Creature Refuses To Wear Pants.

The potential list of Muslim vulnerabilities doesn’t end with pork; Islam defines several objects and creatures as ritually unclean.  Dogs, popular enough in the West to earn the affectionate sobriquet ‘Man’s Best Friend,’ are among the things the Koran has determined to be forbidden.  In fact, in Scotland recently a police postcard featuring the image of an adorable police dog puppy created outrage in the Muslim community.  The postcard was withdrawn and an abject apology soon followed.

Ritually Unclean Things Have A Similar Effect Upon Muslims.

This prohibition against dogs has also caused some Muslim cab drivers at the Minneapolis Airport to refuse to transport passengers with dogs.  Some refused people carrying alcohol or who had been drinking, another Islamic no-no.  There’s no word on whether these cab drivers refused entry to an unveiled woman  or one who dared to have a job.

Poster

A Cruel Slap In The Face To Islam. Bad Dog!

As mentioned earlier, while Muslims are by no means alone in following strict dietary and religious procedures, they stand out by demanding that people of other faiths observe these same strictures.  Orthodox Jews, for example, are religiously prohibited from mixing beef and dairy products, some going so far as to have separate ovens–and in some cases separate kitchens–for the two substances.  Curiously, there has not been a concerted effort by Jews to prevent people of other faiths from combining these two food products as they see fit.

The Real Face Of Pork. Not So Pretty, Eh?

In a possibly-related piece of news, scientists have discovered that diets low in pork-related products may in some instances cause people to become whiny bitches.* Efforts to produce sausage from contrived outrage and self-flagellation have yet to offer tangible results.

We Acknowledge That Some Bacon Is An Affront To God.

*Readers may be interested to know that Smaktakula does not eat pork products of any kind.  Draw your own conclusions. ∞T

Homeland Security Chooses To Ignore Growing Threat Of Winged Terror

30 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Critters, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, Relationships, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula
Note:  This is the third installment in our ongoing environmental series, Does Nature Want You Dead?  Yes It Does. The previous installments are SHAMU Sleeper Agent Wreaks Havoc At Florida Amusement Park and Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn.’

At 3:27 PM on January 15th, 2009 a catastrophe was averted by inches.  Shortly after US Airways Flight 1549 took off from La Guardia International in New York en route to North Carolina’s Charlotte/Douglas,  several geese managed to bring down the Airbus A320 by flying simultaneously into both of the aircraft’s engines.

Levelheadedness and expertise were the only things standing between Flight 1549 and a cataclysmic, horrorshow ending in the steel canyons of New York City.  Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, aided by his ice-nerved co-pilot and well-trained crew, was able to wrestle the dying plane into the Hudson River.  Miraculously, all 155 humans on board Flight 1549 survived.

Chesley Sullenberger: His Fierce Badassery Helps Mitigate The Handicap Of Such A Gay Name.

It is fitting and proper that the focus of this incident remain on the lives saved in the face of such impossible odds.  However, that does not excuse turning a blind eye to the fact that several geese–for reasons yet unknown–took out a massive passenger plane with an intricately planned and precisely executed suicide attack that very nearly cost 155 innocent people their lives.  Yet no one is asking, “Why did this happen?”

The exact number of geese involved in taking down Flight 1549 has never been determined.  All the geese who participated in the attack are believed to have perished.  However, witnesses reported seeing a flock fleeing the scene in the seconds after the attack.  To date, not one of these geese has been apprehended.

There have been some troubling indications that a foreign power may be involved.  Almost all witnesses reported that both the attacking geese and those seen fleeing the scene were Canadian Geese.  The FAA claimed to have no knowledge of any scheduled flock along that air route.  The fact remains that several Canadian Geese were flying in American airspace, something no one disputes.  And yet you hear nothing about this from conventional media outlets, particularly those in areas sharing a border with our “friends” to the north.

There was a time when the beak-and-feather set had a healthy respect for humanity.  These birds of yesteryear would have to be content with expressing their displeasure through a well-timed bowel movement.  Their descendants are proving not nearly so patient.

That these birds can strike any plane at any time should terrify all of humanity.  That it does not is an indication of just how far the pro-avian media has pushed its “Birds of a Feather” campaign.  Recently, there have been attempts by several school districts to ban Alfred Hitchcock’s award-winning documentary, The Birds.

The Hollow-Boned Menace Laughs At Our Weakness

The air-travelling public is left with two choices.  The first, an initially more painful: a return to the Bush Doctrine with regards to America’s growing Avian-Aquatic Mammal-Shark problem, and hunt these beasts down where they hide–hunt them down like dogs! . . . dogs that fly or swim.

The second choice is to not make a choice at all.  To continue with feel-good featherist policies–to bury our heads in the sand, in the parlance of our avian enemy–is to sign our death warrant as a species.  As we speak the avian menace has the capacity to take out any aircraft–private, commercial or military–anywhere in the world.  Don’t think they won’t do it.