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Tag Archives: President Obama

TripoliWatch 2011: The Dawn Of Odyssey Dawn

22 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, News, Politics

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Tags

Arabs, Barack Obama, bluster, Bush Doctrine, international community, Ivory Coast, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, No Fly Zone, Operation Desert Kill, Operation El Dorado Canyon, Operation Odyssey Dawn, places that suck, Prairie Dawn, President Obama, President Reagan, Ronald Reagan, that trick never works, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, treachery, Tripoli, United Nations, United States of America, unpopular wars, Vietnam

By Smaktakula

"Sometimes The Free World Must Take A Stand For Liberty, And Bring The Fight To The Evil Ones. In The Past, This Policy Has Been Known As 'The Bush Doctrine.'"

Fans of endless foreign entanglements were buoyed by the news that Jheri-curled sourpuss Muammar al-Gaddafi continues to thwart an increasingly emboldened international community.  The Colonel’s luck–and the world’s legendary patience and willingness to issue a series  of ridiculously ineffective threats–appear to have run out.

It's Completely Unlike America's Arab Allies To Be Inconstant In Their Friendship With The West.

With the initial backing of several Arab states, a coalition of the United States and the usual suspects have begun to turn the lights out in Libya.  America has always prided itself that, no matter the dubious nature or unpopularity of a conflict at home or abroad, the Superpower never attacks without a cool code name.  Enter Operation Odyssey Dawn. “It just sounded neat,” said an unnamed source, “And had a little more pizzazz than ‘Operation Desert Kill.”

Sesame Street's Prairie Dawn. A Lot Like Odyssey Dawn Except Far Less Bloody, And Much More Likely To Be Remembered In A Year's Time.

Still, the United States can expect some difficulties between now and the time in the vague and unknowable future that the poorly defined mission ends.  Chief among these difficulties is the inconsistency of America’s Arab allies, who after initially supporting the pact, quickly pandered to anti-Americanism from their own people and began backpedaling on their support.  The complete evaporation of Arab support was not anticipated for at least several more days.

Oh, No--We're Not Making THAT Mistake Again. This One'll Be Good--You'll See.

Secondly, this is not the first time the United States has turned Libya into a parking lot in the hopes of punishing the rogue state.  In 1986, US President Ronald Reagan authorized Operation El Dorado Canyon, and on April 15, 1986, US airpower devastated Tripoli.  This action almost succeeded in vaporizing the dictator and his family, but warned by an Italian politician, Gaddafi escaped to menace the world with his nefarious schemes on a number of occasions.  Will the belligerent Bedouin slip the righteous noose of Western justice once again?

"Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah! Can't Touch This!"

Even with the world’s willingness to help, all is not well in Africa.  While the international community has been quick to pummel Libya, it has yet to meet its promise to solve the months-long electoral stalemate in Ivory Coast.  Despite expressing profound concern for the day-to-day plight of Ivorians, it’s not clear why the international community has not shown the same interest in the tiny, coffee and cocoa producing nation as it has in the larger, oil-rich Libya.

"Okay, So What If We Promise To Start Drilling Immediately? Will You Send The Marines? A Couple Girl Scouts? Anything?"

Unrepentant Gaddafi Holds Out Until The Last

04 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Barack Obama, despots, Front 242, Funkahdafi, Ivory Coast, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, North Korea, places that suck, President Obama, revolution, United Nations, unrepentant

By Smaktakula

For The Amount Of Relaxer In This Guy's Hair, He's Not All That Relaxed.

Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi is turning heads around the globe.  Consigned to certain defeat just a week ago, the plucky tyrant is holding out, and in some places regaining ground lost to rebel forces.

The sun-baked despot is thought to be enjoying his return to the spotlight as Public Enemy #1, thumbing his nose at the great powers of the world.  The global community moved swiftly upon word of unrest in Libya, meeting the challenge head on with official condemnation and high-level hand wringing.  There’s even talk of asset freezing.  Clearly, Gaddafi’s days are numbered.

"Although The American People--A Liberty Loving People Born In A Rebellion Themselves--Cherish The Right Of Free Peoples To Decide Their Own Destinies, And Therefore Avoid Meddling In Disputes Far From Our Shores, As Free People, We Also Value Liberty And The Rights Of Individual Men, Which It Seems--Although It May At This Time Be Too Early To Make A Definitive Judgement--That In Libya, Those Liberties Are Not Being Respected. If This Is True--And Again, We Don't Have All The Facts Right Now--Then We Think It Would Be Really Cool Of Col. Gaddafi To Just Cut It Out, Okay?"

When the UN finally steps in to completely settle hostilities, as they have in places such as North Korea or Ivory Coast, Libya will once again be a peaceful oasis of camaraderie and freedom.  It’s a pretty safe bet, however, that until the Colonel goes, there’ll be a lot of bodies in the streets.

"I Will . . . How Do You Say In English? . . . See You In Hell."

Bonus: The Colonel’s Got His Own Theme Song!

Promethean Times’ 2010 Person Of The Year: Us

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

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'Lil Kim, 2010, 2011, Abner Doubleday should sue the hell out of the guy who 'invented' cricket, Africa, American soldiers, Axis of Evil, Barack Obama, bellicose shenanigans, Bernie Madoff, BP, Bradley Manning, Bush the intellectuable, Chief Executive, comical despots, Conan O'Brien, congress, conventional wisdom, copyright infringement, corporate douchebaggery, cricket, Democratic Party, effete Mac users, Elizabeth Edwards, Face & Boobs man, feel-good policies, figurative fellatio, Franklin Pierce, Fugeeman, games foreigners play, genocide, George W. Bush, GOP, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, Haitian Earthquake, Hitler of Major League Baseball, How very original!, hucksterism, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Jay Leno, John Edwards, Julian Assange, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, leeches, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Martha Stewart Living, Michael Lohan, MiLo, Miss You Mom, modern classics, Mood the Dude, mullets, Nanci Pelosi, nanny state, North Korea, Osama bin Laden, Osama's crazed legions, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, People Magazine, personal magnetism, Pierce was known more for drink than for effective leadership, poor Elizabeth Edwards--she was so brave and she suffered so much, popular culture, President Bush, President Obama, Promethean Times, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, religious right, Republican Party, retcons, rumor has it that the vote for Person of the Year was fixed, San Francisco Giants, San Mateo, Sarah Palin, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, special-needs children, Spiro Agnew, Sports Illustrated, step your game up, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, terrifying Campfire Girl, Texas Rangers, the canonization of St. Elizabeth, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the Devil, the impotence of the UN, the increasing irrelevance of TIME, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, theogeologist, Tim Lincecum, Time, TIME allows pedestrian intellects to believe they are otherwise, TIME's Person of the Year, Tony Hayward, tradition, Transformers I and II, treachery, UN, United Nations, United States of America, WikiLeaks, Wyclef Jean, yes theogeologist is another coinage but like grammaverick you've gotta admit it kicks ass

By Promethean Times

Conventional wisdom warns that TIME‘s annual Person of the Year award is so iconic as to render superfluous any imitations.  However, as it has so many times before, Promethean Times eschews the expected by boldly forging a new path, in this instance by appropriating TIME‘s 80-year-old tradition.

Did You Know? TIME Was Once Known For Journalism, And Was Considered More Newsworthy Than Its Current Contemporaries, People Magazine And Martha Stewart Living.

The decision to bestow Promethean Times with this highly coveted accolade did not come easily.  A great many individuals and events helped to make 2010 one of the most dynamic years on record.

There was Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, and traitorous American soldier Bradley Manning, who assisted in the appropriation of several documents.  There was BP’s disgraced Tony Hayward, whose reputation in tatters, has only his fabulous wealth to console him, and Bernie Madoff, although convicted in 2009, still managed to keep his name in circulation.

US President Barack Obama rammed through feel-good policies to be billed to posterity and the people loved him for it.  The press, however, seemed to recover from their embarrassing love affair with the Chief Executive, quixotically alternating hot and cold by one day proclaiming the President a lame duck, and the next heralding him as the greatest president since Franklin Pierce.

One Of These Kids Is More Popular Than The Other.

Much as a leech would, Congress eagerly clung to the President’s agenda, but lacking the President’s (or any, largely) personal magnetism, found itself the victim of what the press liked to call “an anti-incumbent agenda.”  Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi realized too late that a sunny smile does little good when it’s the handiwork of San Mateo’s finest Face & Boobs man.

Then there was the Tea Party to consider.  The completely leaderless grassroots organization, headed by terrifying Campfire Girl Sarah Palin and funded by deep-pocketed partisans, managed to drive the few remaining moderate Republicans from the GOP.  This end was aided by the Republicans’ skill at figuratively fellating the Religious Right, although the Democrats made a game and creditable attempt at it.

Pretty-like-the-prom-queen huckster John Edwards imploded earlier this year, terrifyingly reminding people ignorant of Spiro Agnew that America came “this close” to electing a scumbag as vice-president.  Edwards’ estranged wife Elizabeth, long regarded as a dismissive, cold-hearted bitch, received secular canonization upon her recent death, and has been retconned into a nurturing, saintly person.  She got cheated on and she died?  Tsk.  You will be missed, Elizabeth.

Finally! Someone Faced A Debilitating Illness With Courage And Dignity. Don't You Wish Elizabeth Had Been Your Mom?

Former President George Bush was also considered for Person of the Year due to his lasting influence on the country, and on the Democratic Party in particular.  Until the weeks preceding the November elections, Democrats were so enamored of the former Republican Chief Executive that the words ‘George W. Bush’ comprised 25-35% of the typical Democratic fundraising speech.

Fugeeman responded to the Haitian earthquake with the aplomb and statesmanship one would expect from a Caribbean head of state; he announced a presidential bid which then unceremoniously petered out.  We also gave some thought to the Devil, who many experts, including noted theogeologist Pat Robertson, believe to be the ultimate author of the devastating Haitian Quake.  The UN deserved some consideration as well, despite that the global organization’s response to the Haitian Crisis was characteristically bungled and that it continues to counter both African genocide and rogue nuclear states with the twin forces of hand-wringing coupled with laughably empty threats.

The Machinations Of This Evil Genius Bedevil Us Still.

We considered several despots, including the scrappy madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who holds in equal contempt mullets and the Jews, and the comically diminutive Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s dying tyrant, who continues to terrify an impotent international community with his bellicose shenanigans, and who elevated his special-needs son to the #2 spot in the impoverished third-world hellhole.  And although he had a comparatively mellow 2010, ‘Lil Kim and Mood the Dude’s Axis of Evil amigo, Osama bin Laden, quietly exerted his pernicious influence on his legions of crazed followers.

Pop culture had its share of earth-shakers.  It was hard to overlook Josh Duhamel, whose masterful performance in the universally-beloved modern classic Transformers I and II shattered expectations about what movie-goers could expect from an infantile two-hour commercial.  At the same time an inane late-night war between TV icons Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien diverted the attentions of a grateful nation in the same way as does a bright piece of string or a shiny object.  And somewhere, Steve Jobs did something that made effete Mac users cream their shorts.

Is This The World You Want For Your Children?

In sporting news, the San Francisco Giants, called the ‘Hitler of Major League Baseball’ by at least one satiric internet source, won the World Series over the nearly-as-odious Texas Rangers.  Also, there was some scandal in cricket–it’s a game copied from baseball, apparently–that stoked the ire of millions across the globe, but was otherwise unimportant.

Taking all these people and events into account, we worked tirelessly to determine the single most transformational factor in 2010.  In the end, we were unanimous on our selection of Promethean Times as Promethean Times‘ Person of the Year, citing Promethean Times‘ ongoing benefit to the global community as well as its consistent awesomeness.  Promethean Times is “extremely surprised, but pleased” by the announcement.

And for Promethean Times‘ Douchebag of the Year: Michael “MiLo” Lohan. What the hell, right?

His Infernal Majesty Assures Us That In 2011, He'll Step His Game Up.

Happy 2011, everybody!

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part II: The War To End All Whores

27 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Human Rights, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Satire, Social Networking

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, celebriskanks, childish sexual innuendo, David Gregory, did you see that thing about herpes--she really is a slut, Hobegon, Horn Dog Deomocrats, Joe Biden, John McCain, Meet The Press, Nicole Polizzi, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, PPD 24601, President Obama, Presidential Policy Directive, pro-skank Democrats, Robert Gibbs, Sir Let Us Tan!, skankery, skankism, skanks, skin cancer, skonks, Snooki, Snooki's arrest, tanning, the beach ball problem at Chavez Ravine, United States of America, untalented stars, Vice President Biden, what IS the singular of Cheetos?

By Smaktakula

After issuing a string of denials over the past several weeks, the White House abruptly reversed itself yesterday, admitting the existence of Presidential Policy Directive 24601.  This admission ends the mounting speculation regarding the anti-skank directive, dubbed ‘Hobegon‘ by some in the press.  The White House claims that Hobegon codifies America’s foreign and domestic policy with regard to skanks.  It does that, and more: PPD 24601 is nothing less than a declaration of war on hos.

"Let Me Be Clear: I See An America--One That Can Only Be Achieved By Rising Above Partisan Rhetoric And Red-State/Blue-State Name Calling--An America Once Again Setting An Example For Other Nations By Helping To Create--Not Only For Our Children And The World's Children, But Also The Many Children Yet Unborn--A World That Is Free Of Skanks."

“This is something about which the President feels very strongly,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said in a press conference this morning.  “He has two daughters of his own, and like so many American parents right now, he’s concerned about the type of world that little Sasha and Malia will find waiting for them when they grow up.”

This sudden admission surprised most political observers, and apparently some within the Executive Circle.  Last Sunday on Meet The Press, the Vice-President said, “If there is {the secret Hobegon document}, they sure haven’t shown it to Joe Biden.”  He went on to add, “I mean, who doesn’t like tramps, am I right?” at which point the Vice-President attempted to high-five David Gregory.  Biden apologized for the comments just a few hours later after meeting privately with the President.  What the Vice-President was denying less than a week ago is now official US policy.

The impetus for the Administration’s abrupt about-face appears to be a series of events which drove the media into such a speculative frenzy that it became necessary to make some details of the secret directive public.  One of the events which set this chain in motion were widely publicized comments made by reality tv grotesquery Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.  The celebriskank fired a volley across the Administration’s bow when she said,   “I don’t go tanning anymore, because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning, and I feel he did that intentionally for us.”

Largely derided at the time, the enigmatic Snooki now appears to be something of a Cassandra.  Even her foes are beginning to wonder if the talking party ball is shrewder than she appears, given that anti-tanning initiatives are part of Obama’s War on Skanks.  Snooki went on to note that Obama’s 2008 Rival John McCain would not have applied the tax, “Because he’s pale and would probably want to be tan.”

Unlike Virtually Every Other Political Position Which He Has Taken Over The Years, Senator McCain's Staunch Support Of Skanks Has Never Wavered.

McCain’s unfortunate history of skin cancer aside, this insight is trenchant.  The Arizona Republican has long been staunchly, if quietly, pro-skank.   Throughout the 20th Century, support for ladies of easy virtue blurred party lines, but since the 2000 presidential election has become increasingly divided among partisan lines, with Republicans generally opposing anti-skank legislation.   Bill Clinton was the last pro-skank Democrat to hold a statewide office or higher.  The promising young cadre of pro-skank Democrats (“Horn Dog Democrats”) who swept into office with Clinton in 1992 are long gone.

Initially the White House attempted to shrug off Snooki’s charges, labelling them, “Laughable” and “Not worth dignifying.”  However, as with so many Washington scandals, the further the administration tried to distance themselves from it, the more tenaciously the rumors clung.

The situation reached critical mass when Snooki was arrested on July 30th.  Wearing a T-Shirt which read SLUT (Sir, Let Us Tan!) in protest of the effort to tax tanning beyond the means of the average tramp, which she calls skankist, Snooki was seen being led away by police.  The official account claims that the plump strumpet was drunk and out of control.

Dodger Stadium Security Removes Another Beach Ball From The Field.

Not so, counters Snooki:

“Oh. My. God.  Oh my God, I can’t believe they said that.  That’s–I’ma fucking sue them, I swear to God I will–That’s such a lie!  Can I tell you?  Can I tell you how much of a fucking lie that is?  That is not true.  Anybody who knows me–my good friends who know me, not the haters–knows that is just not true.”

“I’m a political prisoner.  They’re trying to shut me up.”

The Political Cost Of Looking Like A Soggy Cheeto.

Since then, Skanks have been notable for their absence.  “Laying low,” was how one observer termed it.  Because of summer reruns and the ubiquity of archived material on the internet, the American public has so far not been greatly affected by the self-imposed Skankout.  It has been pointed out that had this Skankout occurred during the school year, its presence might have been felt more profoundly in a reduction in the number of hot female teachers sleeping with their seventh-grade students.

But because those people passionate about skank rights would not be silenced, the ensuing e-storm would force the beleaguered administration to admit the existence of PPD 24601.   President Obama promised the nation that “further details will be will be made available in the coming days.”

Coming Soon: GO HO GO!

Promethean Times Calls For ‘Day Of Sternly-Worded Constructive Criticism’

21 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, Politics, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

al Qaeda, broken government, China, congress, Day of Rage, Day of Sternly-Worded Constructive Criticism, Day of Wrath, fascism, North Korea, Palestinians, pissedoffedness, President Obama, protest, Protesting Is Fun!, Russia, scabies, Weathermen

By Smaktakula

Many Americans think government is broken.  President Obama pushes gamely ahead with his unique brand of doe-eyed fascism, despite the increasingly vocal resistance of the American people.  Partisan rancor is de rigueur in Washington today, and Congress is only slightly more popular than scabies.    

On Monday, April 26th, Promethean Times calls upon all Americans to take a stand against these myriad maladies by rising as one on in a Day of Sternly-Worded Constructive Criticism.   

There is precedent: Palestinians had a Day of Rage (borrowing the term from American terrorist organization, The Weathermen), a protest against Israeli settlements.  In Russia, thousands gathered in a Day of Wrath to protest against the unrelenting shittiness of their backwater nation.   

The Palestinians Can Usually Find Something To Be Pissed About

Clearly, the “Day Of” phenomenon is about to take off, and America dare not be left behind.  You can bet that her enemies in China and North Korea won’t be waiting; al Qaeda is no doubt picking out its own special day at this very moment.  America must act now before all the really good words are gone.   

Promethean Times would normally be inclined to call for a day of great anger not unlike those trademarked by the Palestinians and Russians, perhaps ‘A Day of Fury’ or ‘A Day of Ire.’  Either would be fitting.  The American people, for so long rightly proud of their unique liberties and cherished freedoms, have seen their leaders give away their right to make their own health choices, and in turn created a new right for a small segment of the population: the right to subsidised healthcare.  ‘Subsidised’ is a lot like ‘free,’–in both instances the recipient gets the service without paying.  However, ‘free’ means without cost, ‘subsidised’ means some other dude pays for it.    

So yeah, some honest-to-God pissedoffedness would be pretty welcome right now.   

It Sure Is.

But as a nation, America is probably too apathetic to summon those levels of indignation for something as trivial as their constitutional rights.   Americans reserve rage for the guy who cuts them off on the freeway, and wrath for a television network foolish enough to cancel a cult show.  But sternly-worded constructive criticism?  Americans can still handle that.

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