Monthly Archives: November 2012

Headlines 11.29.12

29 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

We Admire Your Indefatigability, But It’s Been Almost Twenty-Six Years. He’s Gone.

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the stories.

***

Money lessons from a lifelong teacher ~ If this guy knew the first thing about money, he would have chosen a more lucrative profession.

When Mommy writes naughty books ~ Mommy is an award-winning writer of erotic fiction. And a whore.

Chef David Viens convicted of killing, cooking wife ~ Most damning, several of the guests complained that Viens’ signature flambé d’Rhonda in white plumb sauce was both insipid and jejune, and moreover, that the chef’s bizarre pairing of a 1992 Mouton was not at all complimentary.

16 Ways Your Trash Could be Your Treasure ~ And 16,000,000 ways it’s not.

14-Year-Old Charged with Killing Newborn Son and Hiding in Shoebox ~ Please be on the lookout for this suspect. He’s armed, dangerous and very, very tiny.

After Being So Ill-Used By The Almighty, It’s Only Natural That Runtiness Should Lead To Evil.

Illinois mom stabs son, little girl 150 times to ‘get back’ at husband: cops ~ What happened to just sleeping with his boss?

A Yiddish ‘Gangnam Style’? ~ Hey now–that’s not kosher.

For Perpetrators and Victims, Suppressing Temptation of College Hazing Rituals ~ What’s the point in belonging to something if just anyone can join? You’ve got to weed out the weaklings, folks.

Steve Jobs Is Not Dead ~ Yeah, but really, he is.

At Cat Video Film Festival, Stars Purr for Close-Ups ~ We go every year. Oh, we’re not into cats so much as we are pathetically lonely ladies in knit sweaters. That and the sweet tang of urine.

Beach Boys break up again — Brian Wilson, 2 others, forced out ~ That makes all the sense of kicking Paul McCartney out of Wings.

We Were Gonna Say ‘Like Kicking Eddie Out Of Van Halen,” But That Doesn’t Really Matter Anymore, Does It?

Storm was cruel to elderly who refused to evacuate ~ Wait–you did say ‘refused,’ right? Sometimes there’s a thin line between cruelty and comedy.

Couple says baby decapitated during delivery ~ So maybe Mom should ease up a little on those Kegel exercises.

Woman who shot boyfriend said she was giving him ‘nose job’: detective ~ Is that a joke? If so, they should let her go. That’s pretty funny.

Boy Accidentally Dropped Tot from Window Trying to Impress Mom, Sources Say ~ Sadly, he only succeeded in making an impression in the sidewalk.

Where are all the millennial feminists? ~ Giving daddy a nice foot-rub.

Gaza crisis: Israel’s Barak calls up army reservists ~ No way! Now Israel has its own Barack? Next thing you know, the French are gonna be trotting out their version, “Baracque.”

The Chinese Will Copy Anything. He’s Ours, Damn It!

How to Have an Orgasm ~ You know, most people figure that one out all by themselves.

Help! My Daughter Is an Introvert ~ The realization can be painful, we know. But with help–and a lot of love–there’s no reason your daughter can’t live a comparatively normal life. Remember, the world needs librarians.

Whale tried to ‘speak’ in human voice ~ It was promptly burned at the stake by horrified townsfolk.

An Overwhelmed Mother’s Departure Memo ~ MEATLOAF IN FRIGE FRIDGE  HEAT ON HI 3 MIN LOVE YOU–HOMEWORK!!!

10 Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Lesbians ~ Fact #3: About 85% of lesbians say they enjoy eating pizza. 

Cambodia Is Seeking 2nd Statue ~ Ha ha. You’re a poor country.

We Were Led To Believe That They Had Tons Of Statuary. See? History Is Nothing But A Pack Of Filthy Lies!

Ukraine’s Elections: A Unique Kind of Democracy ~ It’s unique in that it isn’t very democratic.

What Would Abraham Lincoln Do? ~ He’d start a fucking Civil War, that’s what he’d do! What–was Jesus busy or something?

Kim Jong-Un is a dictator says his teenage nephew ~ Oh REARRY? Suh-suh-stop the puh-presses, Ben Bradree, kuh-’cause it rooks rike we got ourserves a rittre suh-suh-suh-scoop!

What If Hurricane Sandy Had Slammed Miami? ~ It would go a long way toward alleviating the Social Security crisis.

Navy removes ship’s command after boozy port visit ~ We’re not sure that sends the right message. Perhaps we shouldn’t shatter the mystique of the finest maritime fighting force the world has ever known. If you take away drunkenness, whores and fistfights, it’s just a bunch of dudes on a boat.

“Christ, This Is Lame…Anybody Want To Have Sex?”

27 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture

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In which we do our part to combat illiteracy!

Smaktakula's avatarPromethean Times

By Tardsie

As a lad, I used to hang out with a kid we’ll call Zed. Zed was a couple of years older than I was, but we’d met when we were both in the 8th grade. Zed was not a bright boy. In fact, he was a stone-cold moron, and the 8th and part of the 9th grades were the only times we were in school together, because Zed dropped out as soon as the law would allow.

Despite being a halfwit, Zed actually had some things going for him. For one, he was reasonably good-looking and had a–if not refined, then at least well-developed–sense of style. For whatever reason–back then, anyway–girls flocked to him, and Zed could boast a number of conquests before the rest of us had even reached second base.

And while Zed wasn’t exactly a mean guy, by being the youngest of our group and…

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Into The Valley Of The Shadow Of Meth

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Tardsie

Tardsie’s a’travelin’!

Because Beauty And Livability Are Overrated.

It’s no secret that my jet-set life takes me to some pretty exciting places. Longtime readers will remember that last March I took the trip-of-a-lifetime to Valley City, North Dakota with my grandmother, and I’m sure I’ve told you at least once about that time I went to Scranton, Pennsylvania for a wedding.

It’s True. Life Takes Us To Some Pretty Exciting Places.

Today’s trip won’t pack on the mileage of either of those exotic journeys, but will very much be a journey to another world. As I write these words, tucked within the nurturing bosom of civilization and all its attendant luxuries like electricity, indoor plumbing and an atmosphere free of manure, I know that in just a few hours’ time I will be in a land that time (and just about everyone else) forgot.

I’m going to Fresno!

JEALOUS? Yeah, You’re Jealous.

Not unlike Adam and Eve, who were also driven eastward into a harsh and unforgiving land so different from the paradise to which they had become accustomed, once I cross the Santa Lucia and Temblor Ranges (really just hills if you live West of the Mississippi; mighty mountains if you don’t) I’ll be in the Appalachia of the West–the San Joaquin Valley.

“And Cain Went Out From The Presence Of The LORD, And Dwelt In The Land Of Nod, In The East Of Eden.”

Fun Facts About Fresno:

  • With over 500,000 people living in the city proper (and over 1,000,000 in the Fresno Metropolitan Area) Fresno is bigger than a lot of other shitholes which have their own professional sports teams: Cleveland, Tampa, Salt Lake City, Atlanta and Miami (while we agree that the claim sounds fantastic, it is nonetheless true).
  • With an average high of 97 degrees in August and a low of 38 degrees in January, there’s NO bad time to visit the Raisin City.
  • About the only place you’ll find more Armenians is Armenia, and you don’t want to go there.
  • Fresno is the birthplace of such high-profile stars as Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline.

We’ll Be Staking Out The Unemployment Office To See If We Can Get An Autograph.

A New Golden Rule

16 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, Philosophy, Science

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By Smaktakula

In which we present a happy thought for the weekend:

It’s True: We Spend A Good Deal Of Our Free Time Devising Ways To Bring A Little More Sunshine Into Your Life.

Life is demanding, noisy and chaotic. It is distracting. The myriad stimuli with which we anesthetize ourselves and to which we have become hopelessly addicted often obscure the everyday wonders which are never in short supply, but lacking the stridency and sex-appeal of electronic gadgetry, go so often unnoticed.

One such simple but overlooked beauty of life is manifested in a biological quirk: that men and boys are able to pee standing up. Although this truth is known to virtually the entire human population over the age of two, very few stop to consider the full ramifications of this notion.

Eww. See? You’re Not Ready For This Awesome Privilege.

Contemplating the nature of the standing pee is of benefit to both sexes.  Reduced to its essence, it becomes a liberating, powerful concept:

Men, the world itself is your urinal.

Take joy in this freedom to go where you want to go.

There’s Only One Rule: Shake It Off Before It Goes Back In Your Pants.

And ladies, that the world is not your urinal no doubt comes as something of a relief.

Any Time. Any Place. Any Reason.

Back in college, this one dude got pretty fucked up one night and peed on every single exterior stairway handrail on campus. He regretted it the next morning, but what could he do?–so he never told anyone.  If you ever happen to find yourself at a particular small, Southern California liberal arts college, avoid the payphones for the same reason.  ∞ T.

12 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture

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We’re not always known for being ‘heartwarming,’ but this bit of undeservedly forgotten history forces us to make an exception. Take a moment to learn why the Candybomber is the baddest dude ever to be named ‘Gail.’

Smaktakula's avatarPromethean Times

By Smaktakula

Typically the characters to be found skulking through the pages of Promethean Times are a dark and sorry lot of maladjusted degenerates, ne’er-do-wells and comical third-world despots. And yet, history sometimes offers those examples of human endeavor which are not only significant and worthwhile, but also–rarest of all–interesting. We present to you, the Candybomber. If sweetheartery were an award (or even a real word), the Candybomber would be a perennial winner.

Although many younger readers many not be aware, Americans have not always been despised around the globe as arrogant behemoths trampling the rest of the world beneath their overpriced Nikes. There was a time, only a few short generations ago, when America was revered as a bastion of hope, and a force for good in a bleak and increasingly repressive world. As the occupying forces in Germany and Japan following their defeat at the end of WWII, a generation of earnest…

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Saluting America’s Forgotten Veterans: The KISS Army

12 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, History, Music

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By Smaktakula

A Lot Like Mt. Rushmore, If Abe Lincoln Were Able To Puke Up A Bellyful Blood On Command.

In the years since the cacophonous guns of the Western Front fell silent on November 11th, 1918, ending the ‘War to End All Wars,’¹ humanity has sought to mark this anniversary by paying tribute to those men and women who risk their lives in the service of their nations. For those of us who have lived our lives in the relatively prosperous and safe West, this is no more than what we should do.

On this special anniversary, called Veterans Day in America, we honor military personnel regardless of the their branch of service, not only our heroic warriors in the Army, Navy and Marines, but also dudes in the Air Force and Coast Guard. We are justifiably proud of this custom. Sadly, this honor is not applied equally: the public continues to ignore the many distinguished contributions of the KISS Army.

The KISS Army: In Terms Of Raw Firepower, The Rough Equivalent Of The Salvation Army.

The KISS Army was officially mobilized in January of 1975.  Formed to protect America’s shores from the from the insidious forces of lameness, the KA was instrumental in keeping at bay for many years the twin blights of disco and country-rock. For two generations the KISS Army has made the nation a place where a man or woman can rock & roll all night, and party every day.

Promethean Times believes that a soldier is a soldier, whether his c.v. includes Fallujah ’03 or the Grand Rapids Fairgrounds ’07.  The KISS Army marches to its own drummer, doing things differently from some of the other branches of the Service–its continuing observance of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ or its liberal drug policy, for example–but its members deserve the same recognition as do all those brave warriors who fight tirelessly for our freedom.

What Distinguishes It From The Real Army Is That You Can Do All The Drugs You Want, And You Won’t Get Your Ass Kicked For Wearing Makeup.

***

¹Although deemed ‘The War To End All Wars’ in a fit of misguided optimism, WWI proved unequal to the promise of that silly sobriquet ∞ T.

Please Don’t Vote Stupid!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

In The Land Of The Free, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.

With the 2012 Presidential Election at last coming to its ugly and no-doubt contentious conclusion, the American public is eager for the cessation of those unpleasantries attendant with any election year, but which have become especially pronounced in recent years. The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid. No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.

Folks, We Don’t Want You To Get The Idea That You MUST Vote. Particularly If You Aren’t Prepared To Vote Responsibly.

Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election. This misconception most often takes form in the platitude,  ‘It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’  Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.

He’s Right When He Says The Last Four Years Aren’t His Fault. They’re Yours.

But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership. This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation.  And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain. In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.

The Great Thing About Mitt Romney Is That He Offers Choice–There Are Like 13 Different Versions Of The Man–You Can Vote For The One You Find Least Offensive.

***

They Told Her It Said “SLUT.”

By All Means, Take Your Political Advice From A Dude Who Can’t Decide Which Ridiculous Name To Call Himself From One Week To The Next.

You Still Think It’s Important For ‘Everyone’ To Vote?

Because It Feels So Good To Pretend To Know What You’re Talking About.

“24-Inch Pythons” Won’t Help You Vote Responsibly.

“They Voted Me In.”

***

¹In fact it is not.  The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic.  We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.

Headlines 11.02.12

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Yeah, That’s Pretty Damn Easy For You To Say, But Real People Are Affected By This Tragedy. For One Thing, The Guy Who Lives There Owes Us $13.75!

In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.

We lose interest after the headlines.

***

Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss.  ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.

Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!

Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.

Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”

Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’

Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?

What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.

Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.

Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹

Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal  fireworks?

Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?

Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.

On The Plus Side The Benefits Are Great, You Get Lots Of Time Off, And Nobody Cares If You’re Competent So Long As You Don’t Diddle The 8th Graders.

6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.

Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”

North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.

Video games can fight obesity?  ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Dear Garden State Friends, Our Hearts Go Out To…Hold On, Pal…WHAT?…WHAT?…NO, I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE!…Sorry–Our Hearts Go…Hold On…YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID–YOU HEARD ME SAY IT JUST NOW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BRO?–Hey Pal, This Might Take A…I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND HERE, OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.

VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.

Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.

7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.