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Category Archives: Drugs

Some Portion Of Charlie Sheen’s Brain Miraculously Unravaged By Syphilis

19 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Satire, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

career limbo, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, drunkard, Emilio's wasted brother, Hot Shots!, lout, Post-Haim Era, sot, syphilis, The French Disease, Two and a Half Men, vast wasteland, wastrel, wind-up monkey

Despicable wife-beater and inebriate Charlie Sheen has wisely chosen to stick with his awful show.         

Promethean Times applauds Mr. Sheen’s decision to follow our advice.  Furthermore, we would like to remind readers that it couldn’t have been easy for the once-promising actor to accept the grim fact that, barring an improbably lucrative string of Hot Shots! and Wall Street sequels, he is destined to forever remain the Vast Wasteland’s bitch.           

WARNING: Staring Too Long At This Photo May Result In A Case Of The Crotch Lobsters.

Watch The Wind-Up Monkey Of The Post-Haim Era Continue To Bang Away: Charlie Sheen Returning to Two and a Half Men – PEOPLE TV Watch.           

Smaktakula

‘Choking Game’ Claims Victim; Promethean Times Urges Panic

03 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Games, General Foolishness, Health, National Events

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

choking game, death by asphyxiation, drugs, Erik Robinson, hysteria, Jenkem, natural selection, overreaction, panic, sensationalism, wacky ideas, yellow journalism

By Smaktakula

The hidden scourge of America’s youth has claimed another victim.  Erik Robinson died on April 20th after playing the ‘Choking Game.’  The rules of the game are sketchy, but it can be assumed that Robinson lost.

A ghastly situation like this one calls for sympathy and compassion.  It would be in the very worst taste, for example, to point out that Promethean Times was ahead of the pack in spotlighting this pernicious destroyer of youth, and had Little Erik heeded this warning, the boy might very well be alive right now.  It’s difficult to imagine anyone stooping to that sort of verbal thuggery.

Even more than critical than sympathy or compassion, however, is the need for blind, unreasoning panic.  This situation is far too dangerous for America to stand by idly doing nothing.  Something must be done, and quickly.  This may mean entertaining hastily laid plans which will later take a tremendous toll, perhaps in terms of money, infrastructure or even human lives.  The danger makes it worth the risk!

Don’t do nothing–do something!

And while you’re at it, be aware of dangers like the designer drug, Jenkem, which can be made using products found in the typical American bathroom.

Pissing Away Money Is The New National Pastime

16 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, Political Correctness, Politics, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Barry Obama, chaw, chewing tobacco, congress, dip, douchebaggery, government waste, grandstanding, Jerry Springer, MLB, National Pastime, pissing away money, profligate spending, Rep. Frank Pallone, smoking Obama, snuff, spit, tobacco

A Douche Against Dip: A Lot Like Jerry Springer, But With Less Dignity

  

Apparently taking to heart the concept of America spending its way out of recession, a NJ congressman is calling for a hearing regarding the use of tobacco Major League Baseball.         

Rep. Frank Pallone (D-N.J.), who helms the energy and commerce health subcommittee, said that the practice provides a poor example to young people who are baseball fans.         

 

The disastrous effect seeing a handful of athletes engage in a disgusting habit might have on America’s impressionable children aside, it’s not clear why the grandstanding representative thinks the government should have any say regarding the use of a legal product by adults.         

Now it might be different if the baseball players drew their salaries from the public dime, like this guy:       

No, I Said Barry BONDS Shouldn't Smoke.

Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children!?!: Congressman to hold hearing into baseball and chewing tobacco.

Charlie Sheen Believes Hookers And Booze Fall Magically From The Sky

02 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

booze, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, debauchery, douchebaggery, drugs, hookers, misplaced artistic integrity, rehab, Richard Simmons, Sheen leaving, spousal abuse, three-time loser, Two and a Half Men, untalented stars

Why else would this three-time loser kill the cash cow by leaving his awful show?              

Good Luck, Chuck!

Industry insiders speculate that the volatile hack may have contracted a case of misplaced artistic integrity (MAI) during his most recent rehab stint.  Delusions are a common symptom of the MAI infection, which could lead Sheen to forget that his artistic range is roughly analagous to the distance Richard Simmons can throw a baseball.               

Ball Four.

 But unlike many of Sheen’s previous infections, this one won’t be fixed by a quick visit to a discreet Mexican doctor.  Charlie should know by now that performing in a cultural Mariana Trench like Two and a Half Men is a lot like being a professional manure wrestler.  You can leave the ring–but the shit still sticks to you.             

Think Charlie’s Best Moments Of Douchebag Idiocy Are Behind Him?  The Kid’s Still Got It: Charlie Sheen wants out of ‘Two and A Half Men’: Report | EW.com.           

Smaktakula

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Marijuana Legalization Will Transform Humboldt Into Appalachia

30 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, National Events, Plantlife, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

ballot measure, California, California marijuana initiative, cannabis, cannabis cowboys, dope, drug legalization, ganja, grass, hemp, Humboldt County, illicit shadow industry, legalize it, marijuana, marijuana legalization, outlaw growers, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Zig-Zags, Ziploc

By Smaktakula

In the debate over California’s upcoming ballot measure to legalize marijuana, Promethean Times has heretofore resisted editorializing so that the electorate might arrive at its own decision in November.  However, the discourse has done little to educate voters, and instead has achieved the converse: leaving them confused and angry about what may very well be the defining issue of our times.  This imperative makes clear the mandate that Promethean Times, as a long-trusted source of clear and accurate information, make known its stand on this very important issue.                            

Promethean Times does NOT support the effort to legalize marijuana in California.  America’s stoners have been duped: decriminalizing cannabis is nothing more than a smokescreen for a concerted attack on vital American industries.  Unfortunately, hemp-heads don’t have much time to think about these things, electing to preserve their attenuated attention spans for an Aqua Teen Hunger Force mini-marathon.                            

By Any Means Necessary: These Hippies Don't Care Who Gets Hurt As Long As Reefer Is Legal

Voters are already well-acquainted with legalization’s most obvious dangers: increased crime and urban blight in the form of  such scenarios as pot smokers robbing local businesses at gunpoint to support their habit, women selling themselves for as little as a dime bag, and formerly pristine streets of mainstream America festooned with Ziplocs and Zig-Zags.  Moreover, anti-weed activists speak ominously of a critical snacks and munchies shortfall–the stoner’s equivalent of a “Perfect Storm.”  If America found itself in the throes of a CSMS during a national event such as the Super Bowl or Final Idol, the effect upon the nation would be both immediate and calamitous.                      

As bad as those things are, they fail to take into account a hitherto undiscussed result of marijuana legalization: the effect legalization will have on outlaw marijuana growers.   These cannabis cowboys fear that legalization will not only prove the death knell for a once-thriving industry, but also for a time-honored and cherished way of life.                         

Ghosts Of Prohibition: "T'warn't Revenuers Whut Den Dis Tuh Meh, But Ta Ruhpeel Uh Ta Eighteenth Menment. That'n Inbreeden."

The growers are right to be worried.  If pot is legalized, the high quality marijuana which currently is grown in remote places like Humboldt County, California, will be available in areas of the state which up to now have been forced to settle for shwag or Mexican dirtweed.  Within months of legalization places like Humboldt County will more closely resemble Harlan County, Kentucky than their former selves.                     

But the grim toll of legalization does not end with the outlaw growers and their families.  Also affected are the businesses, often local, which provide the materials for the illegal grow operation: fertilizer & feed stores, horticulture supply stores, as well as companies manufacturing steel-jaw traps for catching poachers, lawmen and unlucky hikers.                            

What effect will legalization have on local peace officers?  Much like tips are to servers, local law enforcement officers feed their families with the bribe money they receive from growers.  Similarly, the need to use thousands upon thousands of  man hours in the effort to interdict a tiny portion of the drug trade helps DEA agents pay their mortgages.  How will California voters explain to the families of these law enforcement officers that because they can’t shake their jones for the sweet, sweet cheeba, there won’t be any Christmas this year–or ever again?                            

Legalization will be harmful enough within the borders of California, but will metastasize beyond the borders even of the nation.  With the loss of the illegal marijuana trade, the Mexican drug cartels will be forced to rely solely on the enormous profits they derive from the sale of methamphetamine, cocaine and heroin, as well as the lucrative human-smuggling market.  It’s easy to see the human face of marijuana legalization when one considers that the average Mexican narco-enforcer has 7 children to feed.                            

The Hidden Victims Of Legalization: Bribe Money Keeps His Daughter In Catholic School

In November, California voters will be presented with an historic opportunity–the chance stand arm-in-arm with the hard-working men and women toiling in America’s illicit shadow industries, to advocate on behalf of  La Familia hitmen and the Federales they bribe,  and to support the legal industries which help support illegal grow operations–by voting NO on marijuana legalization.   Americans are best served by restricting their indulgences to safe and legal products such as alcohol or tobacco.  

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The Legalization Question

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Health, National Events, National Politics, Plantlife, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

ballot box, California, California marijuana initiative, cannabis, doobage, dope, drug legalization, ganja, grass, hemp, legalize it, marijuana, marijuana legalization, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, the initiative, Tommy Chong, weed

California voters will have the opportunity in November to legalize marijuana through the ballot box.  Cannabis legalization is a complicated and contentious issue, requiring every voter to search his or her own soul.  There are no easy answers.   

Promethean Times will not attempt to influence popular opinion by revealing our stand on this hot-button issue.  We recommend instead that the public seek an unbiased opinion about the pros and cons of marijuana legalization from experts such as this distinguished gentleman:   

Tommy Chong: Leaning Toward A Yes Vote

 
Smaktakula

Ron Washington Makes Requisite Cocaine Apology

19 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, People, Political Correctness, Scandal, Sports

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

A-Rod, Alex Rodgriguez, anabolic steroids, cocaine, George W. Bush, hypocrisy, Jose Canseco, Ken Caminiti, MLB, Ron Washington, Texas Rangers

The Age of the Enforced Apology continues.                    

Texas Rangers Manager Ron Washington apologized for testing positive for cocaine last summer.  Our celebrity-obsessed society dictates that what would be an embarrassing episode for a private citizen, must become an excercise in self-flagellation for anyone who appears on television more than twice a year.  This is not only hypocritical and hurtful, but pointless.           

Our sympathies lie with Mr. Washington.  There is this bit of sticky business, however:                    

Washington said that he used the drug one time and it’s the only time he has used cocaine in his life.                    

Wha?  Who tries coke for the first time at 57 years old?  Really–who does that?  Ron, we’re on your side here, but don’t treat us like we’re idiots.                   

Ron Washington is not the only person associated with the Texas Rangers to have grappled with drug issues:                    

Player 2001-2003: Steroids

Player 1992-1994: Steroids & Probably More

Player 2001: Just About Everything

Owner 1989-1994: Alcohol & Cocaine

See If You Accept Ron’s Apology: Washington apologizes for cocaine use | MLB.com: News.               

 Smaktakula

Walmart Likes To Kick ‘Em When They’re Down

18 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Corporate Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, Justice

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

brain cancer, corporate douchebaggery, corporate policy, cruel, dope, douchebaggery, ganja, heartless, inoperable cancer, Joseph Casias, marijuana, medical marijuana, pot, reefer, sinus cancer, sweet sweet cheeba, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, Wal-Mart sucks, weed

Wal-Mart, never known for its benevolent business tactics or for treating its employees like human beings, has taken dickheadedness to new and exciting heights heretofore undreamed in the long and storied annals of corporate douchebaggery.

Joseph Casias was fired for violating Wal-Mart’s drug policy by using marijuana.

Was he toking up in the Wal-Mart?

No, it turned up in a blood test after he was injured at work.

Aha!  Well, cannabis use is against policy.

Mr. Casias used marijuana for medical reasons.

No doubt.   Did he get it for chronic insomnia?

Yeah, that–along with inoperable brain and sinus cancer.

. . .

A story so bathed in pathos would give almost pause to almost any other corporate juggernaut–even the most despicable and black-hearted.  But the Great Beast Wal-Mart is not simply any corporate juggernaut; it is an entity unto itself and unlike anything known to man.  Wal-Mart divested itself of compassion along with high prices a long time ago.  The only time pathos can expect notice from Wal-Mart is when it comes with a price tag.

Wal-Mart said it had no plans to rehire Mr. Casias, but that it wished him the very best, from the bottom of its black and kitten skull-encrusted heart.

Impressed By Wal-Mart's Indifference To Human Suffering

Never before has douchebaggery been offered at such  a low, low price: FOXNews.com – Wal-Mart ‘Sympathetic’ to Man Fired for Using Medical Pot, but Won’t Rehire Him.

Smaktakula

Reuters Wants You To Know That U.S. Children Turn To Inhaling To Get High

12 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, Health, National Events

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

aerosols, choking game, fainting game, genie, getting high, household products, huffing, inhalants, Jenkem, K2, media scare, Reuters, Rocket Ride, sensationalist media, sniffing, solvent, Spice, urban legends, vapors

And Reuters is turning to sensationalism to sell ad space.  

The illicit inhalation of household products, or huffing, can have profound and disastrous effects on users.  It is axiomatic that this message be reinforced among young people, the group most likely to begin abusing inhalants.  Reminding the public about the danger posed by inhalants is a laudable endeavor, but sounding the alarm for its own sake is foolish.     

Are more children using inhalants now?     

The rate of inhalant use of that age has remained steady over the past few years, but officials are concerned that young people increasingly do not see abusing inhalants as risky.     

Oh.  Inhalant abuse hasn’t increased among children, it’s just that officials are worried about it.  Apparently, Reuters thinks you should be worried too.  Just like with Jenkem, K2 and the Choking Game.   

Could This Be Your Child? You Bet It Could!

 

Even As You Read This Your Children Are Huffing!: U.S. children turn to inhaling to get high: study | Reuters. 

Smaktakula

Lindsay Lohan Needs $$$

10 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Commercials, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, Movies, People, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cocaine, E-Trade, E-Trade commercial, Flower of American Skankhood, hos, ladies of easy virtue, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Lohan lawsuit, Lohan sues, skankery, skanks, sluts, tramps

By Smaktakula

Because cocaine isn’t cheap.          

Lindsay Lohan, Flower of American Skankhood and tabloid headline regular, claims she’s been dishonored by a recent E-Trade commercial.  Team Lohan maintains that E-Trade used her “likeness, name, characterization and personality” without permission.          

The offending commercial:          

While it’s true that most reasonable people would be horrified to be in any way associated with these E-Trade grotesqueries, it’s not clear that the use of the name “Lindsay” was intended to imply any connection with Ms. Lohan.  The infant in the commercial could be any skank named Lindsay.          

Team Lohan will no doubt respond with the trenchant counter that prior to Ms. Lohan’s use of the name, “Lindsay” was associated with virtue.  Now the name is linked inextricably not only to skanks, but also to sluts, hos, tramps, ladies of easy virtue and the like.  Ms. Lohan will therefore contend that any unflattering or mocking depiction of a “Lindsay” is a direct and intentional use of the former child-star’s image.          

What Might Have Been

Regardless of the lawsuit’s outcome, there are already plenty of losers.   A generation of young women looks up to Lindsay Lohan, and to those women–the skanks of tomorrow–this news will no doubt come as a heavy blow.   But like the spunky strumpet they idolize, this junior varsity Jersey Shore will no doubt face the coming challenges with characteristic élan.  Look for them and you will find them: lifting up their shirts for a stranger’s camera, dressing like hookers to piss off Daddy, and that old chestnut–getting a mammoth, butterfly design tramp stamp which reads CLASSY LASSY.          

Lindsay may be down for the moment, but the Sisterhood of Skank soldiers on.

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