Category Archives: Politics

The GOP Finally Getting Its Black On

30 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by in Culture, National Events, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Race, Regional Politics

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula
Note:  This story should not be confused with “The GOP Finally Getting Its Freak On,” which is a horse of a different color.
With apologies to Michael Steele and Alan Keyes.

Princella Smith is a young, female GOP congressional candidate in a predominantly Democratic district in Arkansas.   And she’s black.

Maybe Next Time.

In addition to running Republican in a blue district, Smith is an underdog candidate in the GOP primary, running against Rick Crawford, who has already secured the endorsement of former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

Win or lose, Smith’s entry into the fray can help the GOP considerably, provided she isn’t painted by the media (or by herself) as a bizarre novelty candidate.

Republicans have long been tagged as the party of old white men (an impression exacerbated by recent events).  While Republicans counter this by pointing to such figures as the aforementioned Keyes and Steele, neither the perennial joke candidate nor the GOP’s beleaguered chief are particularly charismatic.

Also, while African-Americans do not vote or think in as much of a bloc as the media (or professional race baiters like Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Jeremiah Wright–all religious figures, interestingly enough) would have the public believe, it is true that the Republicans have done a lackluster job of reaching out to non-whites.

The vast majority of Americans are eager to put race behind them.  Barack Obama’s election was supposed to heal America’s racial rifts and put an end to identity politics.  The President and his closest advisors have been careful to downplay the racial element of Obama’s historic victory, but despite this the divide seems to have sharpened in many ways.  This is no doubt due in part to the need for the aforementioned race baiters to reassert the racial disparity (because if there weren’t race problems, these guys wouldn’t get to appear on TV once a week or so with that practiced “Black Leadership” scowl).

Nobody Does The Black Leadership Scowl Quite Like The Representative From Maryland.

Candidates like Smith, Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal and California’s Abel Maldonado can only help to diversify and extremely stultified Republican party.  Diversity–through organic means and not via odious and racially belittling quotas–could help to destigmatize the Republican Party in non-white communities.

That may be well and good for the Republicans, but how does it benefit the nation as a whole?  Not long ago the United States made itself believe that the election of a particular black person would once and for all snuff the uncomfortable question of race in politics.

It didn’t, and it’s probably too much to think that a congressional longshot could exorcise an entire nation’s demons.  It might not be too much of a stretch, however, to hope that Smith’s candidacy might draw awareness to moderates and conservatives within the black community.  If such moderates and conservatives were given voice by the media, it would obviate the ostensible need for a race-baiting reverend.

Promethean Times Calls For ‘Day Of Sternly-Worded Constructive Criticism’

21 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, Politics, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Many Americans think government is broken.  President Obama pushes gamely ahead with his unique brand of doe-eyed fascism, despite the increasingly vocal resistance of the American people.  Partisan rancor is de rigueur in Washington today, and Congress is only slightly more popular than scabies.    

On Monday, April 26th, Promethean Times calls upon all Americans to take a stand against these myriad maladies by rising as one on in a Day of Sternly-Worded Constructive Criticism.   

There is precedent: Palestinians had a Day of Rage (borrowing the term from American terrorist organization, The Weathermen), a protest against Israeli settlements.  In Russia, thousands gathered in a Day of Wrath to protest against the unrelenting shittiness of their backwater nation.   

The Palestinians Can Usually Find Something To Be Pissed About

Clearly, the “Day Of” phenomenon is about to take off, and America dare not be left behind.  You can bet that her enemies in China and North Korea won’t be waiting; al Qaeda is no doubt picking out its own special day at this very moment.  America must act now before all the really good words are gone.   

Promethean Times would normally be inclined to call for a day of great anger not unlike those trademarked by the Palestinians and Russians, perhaps ‘A Day of Fury’ or ‘A Day of Ire.’  Either would be fitting.  The American people, for so long rightly proud of their unique liberties and cherished freedoms, have seen their leaders give away their right to make their own health choices, and in turn created a new right for a small segment of the population: the right to subsidised healthcare.  ‘Subsidised’ is a lot like ‘free,’–in both instances the recipient gets the service without paying.  However, ‘free’ means without cost, ‘subsidised’ means some other dude pays for it.    

So yeah, some honest-to-God pissedoffedness would be pretty welcome right now.   

It Sure Is.

But as a nation, America is probably too apathetic to summon those levels of indignation for something as trivial as their constitutional rights.   Americans reserve rage for the guy who cuts them off on the freeway, and wrath for a television network foolish enough to cancel a cult show.  But sternly-worded constructive criticism?  Americans can still handle that.

Pissing Away Money Is The New National Pastime

16 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, Political Correctness, Politics, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Douche Against Dip: A Lot Like Jerry Springer, But With Less Dignity

  

Apparently taking to heart the concept of America spending its way out of recession, a NJ congressman is calling for a hearing regarding the use of tobacco Major League Baseball.         

Rep. Frank Pallone (D-N.J.), who helms the energy and commerce health subcommittee, said that the practice provides a poor example to young people who are baseball fans.         

 

The disastrous effect seeing a handful of athletes engage in a disgusting habit might have on America’s impressionable children aside, it’s not clear why the grandstanding representative thinks the government should have any say regarding the use of a legal product by adults.         

Now it might be different if the baseball players drew their salaries from the public dime, like this guy:       

No, I Said Barry BONDS Shouldn't Smoke.

Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children!?!: Congressman to hold hearing into baseball and chewing tobacco.

Natural Selection On Display Within Somali Pirate Community

14 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by in Africa, Crime, Culture, Food, Health, Humor, International Relations, Justice, Military, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The waters surrounding the Horn of Africa have long served as the historic hunting grounds of Somali pirates.  In the face of such diverse threats as globalization and climate change, the proud Somali buccaneers fight diligently to maintain their way of life.   Now, they may be aiding scientists to better understand how natural selection works in a real-life environment.

Recently, observers of the Somali pirate ecosystem have discovered a disturbing trend.  While most Somali pirates choose as their victims vulnerable vessels which command high ransoms, an increasing number of Somali pirates are attacking navy vessels in seemingly futile actions which almost always result in the pirates’ death or capture.  On the surface this sort of behavior would appear to be so moronic and assbackward as to threaten the Somali pirate community’s very existence.  In actuality, it is this phenomenon which keeps the community vibrant and healthy.

No Country For Old Men: Aging Pirates Like Simon (Above) Can't Afford To Retire

These are rough times for African corsairs.  An increasing number of young men are choosing the time-honored profession, but older pirates are clinging to their jobs, unwilling to trust in the Elderly Somali Pirate Fund, available to those venerable cutthroats who live long enough to reach retirement age at twenty-eight.  At the same time, maritime traffic around the Horn of Africa–a primary source of a Somali pirate’s livelihood–is becoming more scarce.  Compounding the pirates’ woes, those ships which do travel African waters are increasingly well-armed.

Enter the miracle of Natural Selection.  When there are too many pirates in relation to available plunder, nature ensures that the fittest and wiliest pirates live to produce numerous offspring, while pirates with less-favorable attributes are often killed before they can sire more than six or seven young.

His Favorable Genetic Characteristics Ensure A Life Of Swag, Booty and Wenches Wenches Wenches!

For years, scientists have theorized about a possible ‘Stupid Gene’ in humans.  Now, with a seemingly greater number of Somali pirates acting like idiots, scurvologists (maritime piracy scientists) believe they have their proof.  ‘Stupid Gene’ theory postulates that during times of abundance and lack of adversity, the so-called ‘Stupid Gene’ (DDD) rarely manifests.

Stupid Gene proponents claim that the situation in Coastal East Africa demonstrates the soundness of the theory.  Says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at The East Africa Maritime Council, an Omaha, Nebraska-based think tank.

You’ll notice that during the times of abundance–when there are a lot of poorly-defended ships in East African waters, we see fewer pirate casualties.

The really interesting thing is when there are fewer ships off the Horn, and a greater presence of well-armed naval vessels on the lookout for pirates, we’re seeing a lot more dead pirates.  We believe that pirates who exhibit DDD {the ‘Stupid Gene’} are the ones attacking the naval vessels and getting slaughtered for it.

But in this way, healthier and stronger pirates reap the rewards of plunder, and pass on their superior genes to generations of freebooters yet unborn, thus making the community as a whole stronger.  It’s quite beautiful, really.

The 'Stupid Gene': Kind Of A Bummer, But Necessary For The Greater Good

Presumably it’s not as beautiful for those pirates afflicted with DDD, scores of whom perish each month at the hands of navy personnel or well-armed merchant seamen.  Dr. Haagerdäddi counters, “No one cares what stupid people think.”

But scientists do care how stupid people act.  If further scientific research does uncover proof of a ‘Stupid Gene,’ it will go a long way toward answering questions which have for centuries bedeviled philosophers, social scientists and other observers of slackjawed halfwits.

Archbishop Okay With Honor-Killings, But Draws The Line At Pedophilia

12 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by in Christianity, Crime, Culture, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Scandal, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Rowan Wilson, the Archbishop of Canterbury, maintains that the Catholic Church in Ireland has lost “all credibility” over the widespread allegations of abuse by the clergy.

However, the attention-seeking cleric’s credibility has been many times called into question over asinine comments such as his musings that some aspects of Sharia law be incorporated into British courts.

He's Anglican, Not Catholic--Parents Should Not Hesitate To Entrust Their Children To This Man

This Just In:  Apparently the Archbishop doesn’t draw the line at pedophilia–his Self-Righteousness has recanted his statements condemning the Catholic Church.

Share With Facebook

Marijuana Legalization Will Transform Humboldt Into Appalachia

30 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, National Events, Plantlife, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

In the debate over California’s upcoming ballot measure to legalize marijuana, Promethean Times has heretofore resisted editorializing so that the electorate might arrive at its own decision in November.  However, the discourse has done little to educate voters, and instead has achieved the converse: leaving them confused and angry about what may very well be the defining issue of our times.  This imperative makes clear the mandate that Promethean Times, as a long-trusted source of clear and accurate information, make known its stand on this very important issue.                            

Promethean Times does NOT support the effort to legalize marijuana in California.  America’s stoners have been duped: decriminalizing cannabis is nothing more than a smokescreen for a concerted attack on vital American industries.  Unfortunately, hemp-heads don’t have much time to think about these things, electing to preserve their attenuated attention spans for an Aqua Teen Hunger Force mini-marathon.                            

By Any Means Necessary: These Hippies Don't Care Who Gets Hurt As Long As Reefer Is Legal

Voters are already well-acquainted with legalization’s most obvious dangers: increased crime and urban blight in the form of  such scenarios as pot smokers robbing local businesses at gunpoint to support their habit, women selling themselves for as little as a dime bag, and formerly pristine streets of mainstream America festooned with Ziplocs and Zig-Zags.  Moreover, anti-weed activists speak ominously of a critical snacks and munchies shortfall–the stoner’s equivalent of a “Perfect Storm.”  If America found itself in the throes of a CSMS during a national event such as the Super Bowl or Final Idol, the effect upon the nation would be both immediate and calamitous.                      

As bad as those things are, they fail to take into account a hitherto undiscussed result of marijuana legalization: the effect legalization will have on outlaw marijuana growers.   These cannabis cowboys fear that legalization will not only prove the death knell for a once-thriving industry, but also for a time-honored and cherished way of life.                         

Ghosts Of Prohibition: "T'warn't Revenuers Whut Den Dis Tuh Meh, But Ta Ruhpeel Uh Ta Eighteenth Menment. That'n Inbreeden."

The growers are right to be worried.  If pot is legalized, the high quality marijuana which currently is grown in remote places like Humboldt County, California, will be available in areas of the state which up to now have been forced to settle for shwag or Mexican dirtweed.  Within months of legalization places like Humboldt County will more closely resemble Harlan County, Kentucky than their former selves.                     

But the grim toll of legalization does not end with the outlaw growers and their families.  Also affected are the businesses, often local, which provide the materials for the illegal grow operation: fertilizer & feed stores, horticulture supply stores, as well as companies manufacturing steel-jaw traps for catching poachers, lawmen and unlucky hikers.                            

What effect will legalization have on local peace officers?  Much like tips are to servers, local law enforcement officers feed their families with the bribe money they receive from growers.  Similarly, the need to use thousands upon thousands of  man hours in the effort to interdict a tiny portion of the drug trade helps DEA agents pay their mortgages.  How will California voters explain to the families of these law enforcement officers that because they can’t shake their jones for the sweet, sweet cheeba, there won’t be any Christmas this year–or ever again?                            

Legalization will be harmful enough within the borders of California, but will metastasize beyond the borders even of the nation.  With the loss of the illegal marijuana trade, the Mexican drug cartels will be forced to rely solely on the enormous profits they derive from the sale of methamphetamine, cocaine and heroin, as well as the lucrative human-smuggling market.  It’s easy to see the human face of marijuana legalization when one considers that the average Mexican narco-enforcer has 7 children to feed.                            

The Hidden Victims Of Legalization: Bribe Money Keeps His Daughter In Catholic School

In November, California voters will be presented with an historic opportunity–the chance stand arm-in-arm with the hard-working men and women toiling in America’s illicit shadow industries, to advocate on behalf of  La Familia hitmen and the Federales they bribe,  and to support the legal industries which help support illegal grow operations–by voting NO on marijuana legalization.   Americans are best served by restricting their indulgences to safe and legal products such as alcohol or tobacco.  

Share This With Facebook

The Legalization Question

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Health, National Events, National Politics, Plantlife, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

California voters will have the opportunity in November to legalize marijuana through the ballot box.  Cannabis legalization is a complicated and contentious issue, requiring every voter to search his or her own soul.  There are no easy answers.   

Promethean Times will not attempt to influence popular opinion by revealing our stand on this hot-button issue.  We recommend instead that the public seek an unbiased opinion about the pros and cons of marijuana legalization from experts such as this distinguished gentleman:   

Tommy Chong: Leaning Toward A Yes Vote

 
Smaktakula

India’s Proposed LoBan Decried As ‘Skankist’

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, International Relations, People, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

India is considering imposing a ban on drug-addled former child star Lindsay Lohan.  The friction is alleged to arise from Lohan’s participation in a BBC documentary on child labor and human trafficking in India.  Indian officials contend that Lohan travelled to India on an improper visa, and additionally irritated aid workers by falsely implying that through her efforts alone “40 children had been saved.”   India would like you to believe that its row with Lohan erupted for these reasons alone.  If this sounds fishy to you–it should.  The problem is far more disturbing than simply India’s failure to understand that when it starts heaping rules and regulations on a free spirit like Lohan, it crushes that very special and delicate thing within the actress which makes her better than ordinary folks.                             

Lindsay's India Fun Facts #32: "Untouchables" More Than Just A Kick-Ass Movie

Rather, it is increasingly clear that a darker and uglier motivation lies behind India’s proposed LoBan.  Although India officially renounced its caste system generations ago, the nation has yet to address its age-old bias against skanks both high-born and low.  Indian history is replete with skankism, and it remains one of the biggest taboos in the culture.  Lohan defenders suggest that this anti-skank sentiment is the true impetus behind the LoBan, and that Lohan is not being punished for her behavior, but simply for what she is.  This is unacceptable if true.                          

Taking first Lohan’s supposed documentary untruths–Is it really all that terrible to take credit for the heroic efforts of others?  If these “aid” workers are as interested in saving children as they pretend to be, it shouldn’t matter who gets credit.  And really, is there anyone who believes that BBC viewers would be interested in these backwater heroics if not for the In-Your-Face star power that Lohan brings everywhere she goes?   The haters might try showing more empathy–Who hasn’t said some goofy shit while rolling hard on a triple-cocktail of Bombay Sapphire, jet lag and an eightball of Bolivian primo?         

The second allegation, that Lohan worked in India while on a tourist visa, carries even less weight.  Hello–it’s Lindsay Lohan, an American megastar.  If anything, Indian authorities would be wise to regard Lohan as a crime-fighting asset, as repeated studies have shown that the quantity of available narcotics in a given neighborhood drops precipitously within a few hours of the star’s arrival.                                  

This Photo Appears To Show An Indian Sniper Drawing A Bead On Lindsay

As much as India’s politicians would have us believe otherwise, the LoBan is due neither to Lohan’s self-aggrandizing prevarication or misstating her purpose for being in the country.  The real culprit in this sad affair is prejudice–prejudice against skanks.  It should be noted that this bias was until very recently largely shared by the West.  Of course, there are still scattered incidents of people in North America and Western Europe engaging in skankist behavior or anti-skank hate speech.  Fortunately, in the West these old hatreds are fading as a generation raised on such fare as Girls Gone Wild and Hot or Not comes of age.  India, perhaps alone among emerging nations, continues to stigmatize skankhood.                             

        We applaud the BBC’s selection of Lohan for their documentary, and for its tireless efforts of the network to include a wide assortment of skanks (or slags, as they are called locally) throughout its programming.  This is a relatively new step for the BBC, while in America, skank rights have generally been acknowledged for the better part of two decades.  The pivotal ‘Day Without A Skank’ in 1988 is credited as a watershed moment in the skank movement, leading directly to the adoption of the then-controversial ‘Skanks Bill of Rights.                            

Lohan Says Meditation Helps Her Navigate Through The Rocky Shoals Of Stardom

This is not the first storm Lohan has been forced to weather in recent months, nor will it likely be the last; the haters lurk as always just out of sight.  But never was it said that the Flower of American Skankhood wilted easily.  No doubt this sordid event will soon be in the past, and Lohan once again in her element: photographed in the back seat of a 2006 Chevy Malibu as she performs sex acts on a Lifetime Network junior executive.  Promethean Times joins the rest of America in praying for that day to come soon.

Biden’s Latest Gaffe Actually Endearing

24 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Not realizing his comments would be overheard by the media there to cover the signing of the health-care bill, Vice President Joe Biden gushed to his boss, “This is a big fucking deal.”

This is an entirely apt statement, and uncannily accurate for Biden: the big deal is that the government does the fucking; the American people don’t have to do anything more than look back over their shoulders and watch. 

Still, as far as Biden-being-Biden goes, this statement is pretty innocuous.  It’s not like when he said Hillary Clinton would have been a better choice as VP or that Obama was the “first mainstream African-American who is articulate and clean and a nice-looking guy.”

As a refreshing counterpoint to the braying triumphalism of harridan Nancy Pelosi, Biden’s gee-whiz enthusiasm seems genuine, infectious and forgivable.  Someone get that VP a puppy!

Biden Has A Potty Mouth: Vice President Joe Biden embraces health care bill signing with profane term – latimes.com.

Smaktakula