Monday, 03.07.11–The United States, no longer content to limit its unending ground war to a single continent, is enlisting allies for possible military action against Libya. Meanwhile, unrepentant bastard Muammar al-Gaddafi is having the time of his life as he continues to commit atrocities against his people while thumbing his nose at the West.
For The Amount Of Relaxer In This Guy's Hair, He's Not All That Relaxed.
Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi is turning heads around the globe. Consigned to certain defeat just a week ago, the plucky tyrant is holding out, and in some places regaining ground lost to rebel forces.
The sun-baked despot is thought to be enjoying his return to the spotlight as Public Enemy #1, thumbing his nose at the great powers of the world. The global community moved swiftly upon word of unrest in Libya, meeting the challenge head on with official condemnation and high-level hand wringing. There’s even talk of asset freezing. Clearly, Gaddafi’s days are numbered.
"Although The American People--A Liberty Loving People Born In A Rebellion Themselves--Cherish The Right Of Free Peoples To Decide Their Own Destinies, And Therefore Avoid Meddling In Disputes Far From Our Shores, As Free People, We Also Value Liberty And The Rights Of Individual Men, Which It Seems--Although It May At This Time Be Too Early To Make A Definitive Judgement--That In Libya, Those Liberties Are Not Being Respected. If This Is True--And Again, We Don't Have All The Facts Right Now--Then We Think It Would Be Really Cool Of Col. Gaddafi To Just Cut It Out, Okay?"
When the UN finally steps in to completely settle hostilities, as they have in places such as North Korea or Ivory Coast, Libya will once again be a peaceful oasis of camaraderie and freedom. It’s a pretty safe bet, however, that until the Colonel goes, there’ll be a lot of bodies in the streets.
"I Will . . . How Do You Say In English? . . . See You In Hell."
"Hola, Amigos. I've Got An Offer You Won't Be Able To Refuse. Which Is Good, 'Cause I Don't Ask Twice."
Democrat James K. Polk, 11th President of the United States, is among the least-known of US Chief Executives, despite one of the most consequential presidencies in the nation’s history. Unlike most politicians then and now, Polk kept his promises to the nation.
James Knox Polk may be long-forgotten, but his image is mirrored in the smiling face of Mickey Mouse, his austere sensibilities captured in the sterile, earth-toned conformity of Irvine row-houses, his voice remembered whenever Los Angeles is pronounced LAHS ANJELUS. James Polk may have been relegated to historical obscurity, but his light shines on.
¿Le Siguen Utilizando Esto? Our Bad.
* Technically, Mexico was paid for the “lost” territory. So really, everything worked out. ∞T.
"Fellers, Y'all Do Know We Done Already Lost That Fight With Them Yankee Sumbitches, Right?"
In the Magnolia State, old ghosts have risen to once again fan the embers of division and reignite the conflagration that civilized America believed long-dead. It seems that after nearly two centuries of statehood, Mississippi just can’t get its act together.
The state’s most recent trouble began when the Mississippi Division of the Sons of Confederate Veterans proposed a state license plate commemorating the end of the War Between the States, known in places long-accustomed to indoor plumbing as the American Civil War. This request is somewhat unusual since, with rare exceptions in incidents of transcendent courage such as Masada, the Alamo or Thermopylae–losers are not typically commemorated.
So Is This What Your Great-Grandaddy Fought So Hard For? Just Checking.
Even more controversial is the SCV’s choice of Nathan Bedford Forrest‘s image for the new license plate. Forrest is a contentious figure because he was a Confederate Lieutenant General during the Civil War. That, and he was an early and influential member of the Ku Klux Klan.
If Mississippi chooses to honor Forrest by issuing the offensive license plate, it will invite turmoil from within the state and opprobrium without. Moreover, the leech-choked mudpatch would become the first state to so lavishly celebrate a Klansman since West Virginia, which continues to name just about everything within its borders in honor of former KKK Grand Cyclops, Robert Byrd.
While it may be too much to ask that Mississippi pull itself fully into the 21st Century, we suggest a more modest goal. Perhaps the state could shoot for 1978 or 1979?
The South Will Rise Again!
No it won’t neither. You hush up an’ eat that possum ‘fore it gets cold, now.
Neither prurient nor graphic enough to qualify as porn, and lacking all but the most tenuous connection with the world of sports (and that limited to water-skiing and beach volleyball), the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now most likely to find a home beneath the mattresses of lonely pubescent boys too inept to successfully navigate the internet.
Sorry, But When A Six-Year-Old With A Computer Can See As Much In An Hour On The Internet As A Busy OB/GYN Does In A Week, There's No Longer Any Place For This Quaint Bit Of Americana.
On which douchey theocrat Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini vociferously expresses his displeasure with Salman Rushdie‘s The Satanic Verses. The tactic proves so popular that it remains the Islamic community’s preferred method to redress grievances both real and imagined.
"Okay, First Of All, I'd Like To Thank Everybody For Coming. I Know You All Had To Take Time Out Of Your Busy Lives, But It's Great You Could Be Here. A Couple Of Special Mentions Before I Forget: Thanks To Faisal And Mohammad For Donating The Envelopes. Also, Everybody Remember To Thank Ibrahim's Boss For Letting Us Use The Stamp Machine. Okay, Let's Get Down To Business: Remember, When Writing The Publisher To Express Your Hurt Feelings, Be Firm But Polite. After All, We Don't Want To Sound Like A Bunch Of Crazies, Am I Right, Guys?"
We, the public, are easily, lethally offended. We have come to think of taking offence as a fundamental right. We value very little more highly than our rage, which gives us, in our opinion, the moral high ground. From this high ground we can shoot down at our enemies and inflict heavy fatalities. We take pride in our short fuses. Our anger elevates, transcends.
On which a group of Chicago’s North Side Gang members are each given a most unwelcome valentine in the form of a bullet to the brain. Gang leader Bugs Moran narrowly manages to avoid the slaughter.
Different Guy Entirely. Salvatore "Bugs" Bunnicci Rose To Lead The Fudd Gang After Gang Leader Elmer Was Found Dead, His Mouth Stuffed With His Own Testicles And The Words 'WABBIT SEASON' Carved Into His Chest With A Vegetable Of Some Kind.
Although no convictions would result from what would quickly come to be known as the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, evidence then, as now, points to an Italian-American businessman, Alphonse Gabriel Capone.
"But I Was In Florida, See? Myah! Ya Got Nothin' On Me Copper--Nothin'! Myah! Myah!"
Let The Other Drivers Know That Your Precious Cargo Supersedes Their Selfish Need To Arrive On Time.
Statistics back it up: despite millions of new cars on the road ever year, the highway is becoming a safer place worldwide. The reasons for this happy trend are myriad, among them: improving infrastructures, increased awareness about driver’s safety and stricter laws regarding intoxicated driving. No factor has been more significant in lowering automobile deaths per capita than has the rapid development of safety technology. It is possible today to walk away from an accident which might have proved fatal only thirty years ago.
Human Gestation Typically Lasts 37 To 40 Weeks. Tattoos, Like Stupidity, Last A Lifetime.
But in today’s world of bleeding edge technology and gee-whiz science, is there still room for an old standby like Baby on Board?
Because Children Stop The Traffic.
Baby on Board proved to be a dazzling innovation in automobile safety when it was first introduced in the heady years of the late 1980s. Moreover, by being extremely cost-effective–individual units cost pennies to make, but retailed for as much as $10–the safety measure meshed nicely with the era’s affinity for recklessly high profits.
Translation: "Honorable Godzilla: As There Is In This Car A Young Child, It Would Be Most Pleasing To The Child's Family If You Could Contain For A Few Moments Your Cretaceous Rage And Avoid Incinerating The Child With Your Radioactive Breath Or Smashing It To Dust With Your Magnificent Tail."
More than simply keeping costs down, the innovation’s simplicity appealed to the consumer. Baby on Board came ready-to-use, the unit taking typically no more than a few seconds to install in the vehicle’s rear window. Once mounted, the device would alert other drivers that young people (despite its name, Baby on Board applied to all children weighing less than 80 pounds) were in the vehicle. Those drivers would then heed this warning, waiting until the precious family was safely in the distance before resuming their reckless driving.
Literalism Is Neither Cute Nor Helpful.
Sadly, Baby on Board is rarely seen today. 21st Century drivers are more likely to place their trust in expensive technologies, and given the level of scientific innovation in safety this reliance may be well-founded. But it’s worth remembering the recent studies which show Baby on Board is at least as efficacious as are child safety seats.
Promethean Times 