17 Saturday Mar 2012
Posted in Culture
For One Day At Least, We Understand A Little Better What It Truly Means To Be Irish.
As my mother wept it was then I swore
to take my life as I would a whore
I know I’m better than before
I will not be reconstructed
Just wanna stay right here
on the sunny side of the street.
The Pogues
16 Friday Mar 2012
Tags
beaver, childish sexual innuendo, death by embarrassment, DIY porn, Egypt, nude photos, phallic symbols, pornography, pr0n, we've still got 'em!
Nature Is Part Of Our Shared Heritage. Everyone Should Get A Chance To Check It Out At His Leisure.
Technology advances with dizzying rapidity, pulling a reluctant society along with it. Only a generation ago many of the daily conveniences we take for granted, such as email, cell phones and running water were nothing more than high-tech fantasies. This ever-accelerating advancement ensures that wherever the future leaves us, it will be a strange and frightening place, too difficult to accurately predict from our unfavorable historical vantage.
But for the many advantages this new technology brings us, there come also attendant consequences. Among these is the deterioration of the traditional community structure–as the world around us grows smaller, the bonds which link us to our local communities begin to fray. Nor is there any doubt that the wealth of easy information available at a keyboard stroke has whetted society’s appetite for instant gratification, while at the same time atrophying those skills upon which real scholarship is based.
Um...It's Just That When You Asked If We Wanted To See Chris' Melons We Thought...But, You're Right, They Are Really Nice.
But perhaps the greatest loss in how we communicate with one another. Since ancient times, young people have signaled their affection for one another by exchanging nude images. In prehistoric times these crude pornographic depictions likely took the form of cave drawings, just as in ancient Egypt human pudenda were immortalized in rare inks on the walls of excavated tombs. Oil paints were favored for beaver shots from the Renaissance until the early Twentieth Century, when boudoir photographs became the norm.
They'll Tell You That Today, Nothing Is Left To The Imagination. That Simply Isn't True.
But changing mores have conspired to kill once and for all this treasured ancient custom. Whereas once entire families gathered to celebrate this DIY-porn, passing little Suzie’s naked image hand to hand (and arriving twice at Uncle Joe), as the beaming girl reveled in their wholesome attentions, this harmless tradition is being increasingly seen in a negative light. Dwelling on the prurient, critics contend that not only does this trend tend to sexualize children, but the resultant humiliation from the unintentional promulgation of the private images can have serious and long-lasting effects upon a young person’s self-esteem.
Sadly, this view seems to be gaining ground, despite the nudie-shot’s well-established cultural history. There are no doubt a great many individuals who welcome the loss of home-made spank pix. Even without Jurgen’s Lotion or a similar unguent, this is a slippery slope. Will these same critics be quite so sanguine when other liberties begin to disappear as well? Imagine if you will a world where it is no longer safe to disseminate personal information like your social security number and credit card information or where children are afraid to accept bus tickets sent to them over the internet by dangerous strangers. Doubtless, that’s a world where none of us want to live, and yet, with every beaver shot left uncaptured, we are one step closer to that reality.
Do You See It? It's EVERYWHERE, Man!
15 Thursday Mar 2012
Tags
bewaring is a real word!, DEVO, Et tu Brute?, Google Maps, Ides of March, Julius Caesar, malt liquor, March Madness, Mexico, New Mexico, St. Ides, there's a NEW Mexico?
"Don't Give Me That 'Et Tu' Shit--You've Had All Week To Fill Out Your Bracket."
On which we celebrate America’s perverse and persistent predilection for unproductive pastimes, and the gazillions of work hours lost to the inanity (you’ll note we didn’t say insanity) of March Madness.
St. Ides Won't Keep You Safe From Danger, But Can Make It So That You Just Don't Care.
The plethora of information available through the internet never ceases to amaze us. Using Google Maps to view the floor plan of a house owned by the parents of a young lady whom he’s stalking, Smaktakula recently made a fascinating discovery. Apparently, there’s now a NEW Mexico. We couldn’t be more pleased, as the idea was long overdue–let’s just hope that they take better care of it this time.
It Kinda Looks Like The Old Mexico To Us.
The effervescent, complex bouquet that is Promethean Times can’t be explained by anything so simple as a music video. But if it could, this would be the video:
So maybe that explains a lot, or perhaps you’re still in the dark.
14 Wednesday Mar 2012
Tags
America's Funniest Home Videos, Arby's KFC, bad parents, Canada, denim diapers, do-nothings, fauxhawks, hillbillies, Hometown Trough, Indiana, methamphetamine, mullets, No Fear, places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, professional wrestling, rednecks, Tapout, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, white trash, White Trash Diaspora, WTD, you got a real purty mouth
Nobody Said Being A Parent Would Be Easy. In Fairness, Though--It Was Clearly Implied. We're Not Blaming Anyone, We're Just Saying That In A Very Real Way It's Your Fault.
We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”
Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?
You've Been Preparing For Your Financial Future--But What About Your Child's Future?
On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?
Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.
'Cause, Hey--Sometimes You Shit Your Levi's, Too.
13 Tuesday Mar 2012
Posted in Culture
Tags
Bill Cosby, blondes, clowns, Elephant Man, Holocaust, humor, inappropriate humor, Jerry Lewis, leprosy, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, Telemundo, the French, unfunny people, Why am I so unfunny?
Some Folks Are Just Natural Comedians.
Humor is a strange and wondrous thing. Wondrous, of course, because of the warm, community-building emotions generated by humor, it is at the same time strange, as humor is one of those enigmatic and elusive qualities so hard to compare and quantify. Why, for example, do the French find Jerry Lewis uproariously funny when to the rest of the world his tired schtick is the humorous equivalent of nails on a chalkboard? Likewise, non-Spanish speakers watching Telemundo might be forgiven for failing to be delighted by a fifty-five year old man in a propeller cap, sucking on a lollipop and pretending to be a six-year old boy.
Photo Courtesy Of El Registraro De Perverto Sexual.
But despite humor’s slippery nature, there is sometimes broad agreement as to what does or does not tickle the funny bone. For example, most people regard blonde jokes as moderately amusing, while the Holocaust is nearly universally judged to be unfunny. Bill Cosby? Funny. Leprosy? Not funny at all.
Only Kinda Funny.
Of course, some people are naturally funnier than others. You’ve seen these animated men and women holding court at parties or in the break room at work, effortlessly navigating the rocky shoals of the conversation with witty bon mots and amusing anecdotes. The responsive laughter is unforced and organic.
Just What Is It That Prompts A Grown Man To Choose A Career For Which The Term 'Buffoon' Is A Synonym?
Likewise, you’ve no doubt encountered the funny person’s far more common polar opposite–the odiously unfunny person. This strident, braying jackass is a comedy-killer who can usually be counted on to stun a lively crowd into a benumbed and uncomfortable silence with his mistimed jokes, painfully unfunny observations and stiff, rehearsed cruelty.
Sorry, But This Won't Be A Humorous Caption. Jerry Lewis Sucks The Funny From Everything He Touches.
Because the bulk of the population falls somewhere in the wide ‘moderately funny/moderately unfunny’ middle between these extremes, most people don’t realize that these two creatures–the wickedly funny and the desperately unfunny–are more alike than at first they seem. In fact, despite the completely disparate results of being funny and unfunny, the two share a common raison d’être. The trick to being really funny is surprisingly also the very thing which motivates the human buzzkill: the secret to both is to think you’re really funny.
Really, Is There A Better Way To Tell The World You've Had Three Or Fewer Sexual Relationships?
12 Monday Mar 2012
Tags
Belfast, Catholicism, Derry, dope, drunken Irishmen, Edna Kenny, Eire, grass, hemp, ignorance, inebriate, IRA, Ireland, Irish Potato Famine, Irish Republican Army, Lucky Charms, Micks, Northern Ireland, or did we get those colors reversed?, Portrush, pot, proddies, protestant, reefer, Republic of Ireland, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, sweet sweet cheeba, Taoiseach, the French, the Troubles, They're magically delicious!, ugly Americans, Ulster, Unionists, weed, Why am I so drunk?
Ireland: A Nice Place To Visit, Even If You're Mostly Sober.
Before we get started, we should confess something: despite the cruel, ignorant and generally irresponsible things we say about people, places and things, it may surprise our readers to know that we hold in great affection many of those very subjects we skewer so mercilessly.¹ Chief among these beloved foils are the Irish. Although we will continue to mock these hapless, potato-munching inebriates until our dying day, the fact that Tardsie and Smaktakula have between them made a combined five trips to the Emerald Isle should to a large degree demonstrate Promethean Times‘ love for the Micks.
Edna Kenny (Seen Here At Breakfast) Was Recently Appointed Taoiseach (Prime Minister) For The Republic Of Ireland.
The Irish are a warm, gregarious people, who, despite the startling number of fistfights in which they regularly engage, are rightly known for their genial natures. Although theirs is a bittersweet history, full of famines, oppression and drunkenness, it’s difficult not to admire a people so foul-mouthed that old ladies use the Lord’s name more often in casual conversation than does Pat Robertson, and whose priests are known to remark “If it’s yer head you’ll be wantin’ kicked in, ya wee shite, then go ahead and touch me fookin’ pint a second time.”
Straight Up: You Won't Be Getting His Lucky Charms Without One Hell Of A Fight.
The Irish are further unique in that, for whatever reason, they genuinely seem to be fond of Americans. Promethean Times wishes to encourage this special relationship by fostering an even greater understanding between Irish people and their more sober American cousins. With this in mind, we offer these American-specific travel tips for visiting Éire.
Don't Let It Worry You--Irishmen Are Sweethearts. In Another Five Minutes You'll Be Lifelong Pals. Just The Same, You Shouldn't Count On Him Never Again Punching You In The Face.
Look, It's Nothing Personal, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, It's Just That We Don't Think You're Temperance Society Material.
When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...
Special tips for travelling in Northern Ireland:
The Quaint Northern Town Of Portrush, Or As Tardsie Calls It, "POTrush." But That's A Story For Another Day.
Folks, Whether You Realize It Or Not, The World Is Just One More Potato Famine Away From Being Up To Its Eyeballs In The Irish.
11 Sunday Mar 2012
Tags
Amelia Earhart, bad decisions, Dennis Hopper, don't vote stupid, Dwight Eisenhower, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, foolish choices, Gwendolyn Brooks, Kansans, Kansas, Kansas City, Langston Hughes, Missouri, places that suck, Reverend Fred Phelps, Rick Santorum, Westboro Baptist Church, Why am I so stupid?
Rick Santorum has been declared the winner of the Kansas caucuses!
Before You Judge The Kansans Too Harshly, Put Yourselves In Their Shoes. If You Were Forced To Live Out Your Days In An Anachronistic, Wheat-Choked Countertop Of A State With A Holstein Named Beulah As Your Sole Companion, You'd Likely Make Some Nutty Decisions Now And Then.
Did you know that Langston Hughes, Dennis Hopper, Gwendolyn Brooks, Amelia Earhart and Dwight Eisenhower all hailed from Kansas? Not a one of them thought enough of the place to die there.¹
Even Kansas' Most Famous City Isn't Actually IN Kansas.²
09 Friday Mar 2012
Tags
cannabis, community college vs real college, dope, grass, hemp, hippies, Just Say No!, keep marijuana illegal, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Oaksterdam, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, pot, reefer, seriously--hippies are odious, that trick never works, the sweet sweet cheeba, weed
Oh, Sure--He's A Cock-Knocker. But Let's Hear What He Has To Say.
Only a few days ago, it would have been hard to blame filthy hippies for getting all giddy over the possible legalization of marijuana. Cannabis, the decriminalization of which had seemed until recently to be largely inevitable, may not be as close to reality as previously feared. Despite valiant efforts by anti-drug activists over the past decades, such as Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” Campaign or the hunger-inducing ‘This Is Your Brain On Drugs,” the public’s tolerance for this deadly plant seemed only to be growing. Then Pat Robertson weighed in.
Not Fucking Likely, You Filthy Cheeba-Monkeys!
Readers of Promethean Times are already familiar with the myriad threats to society posed by marijuana legalization. The pitfalls of hemp-addiction have been widely documented–some users become hooked to the reefer after simply walking into a room where someone has smoked marijuana within the past six hours.¹ Additionally, anyone who lives in an urban center or near a high school has seen the ugly effects of “Weed Rage”–the drug is known to give users the strength of ten men, and induces such fury that subduing a raging stoner requires an army of club-wielding cops and about four gallons of pepper spray. Crafty hemp-heads are reportedly contracting cancer intentionally as a ploy to get their grimy, emaciated hands on some sweet, sweet cheeba. And of course, incidents of weed-dissipated parents devouring their own children are so common as to be almost prosaic.
Hippies. A Lot Like Cockroaches, But Lacking The Charm.
Despite these very real and well-publicized dangers, it has taken until now for someone to summon the courage to affect real change. By announcing his support of marijuana legalization, Pat Robertson has done just that. Overnight, people who once thought marijuana a harmless pleasure are being forced to take a second look at this invasive weed, hopefully to see it for what it is–a nation-destroying blight. Banking on his reputation as a head-up-the-ass moron who has previously offered up godlessness as a cause for national disasters and who advocates political assassination as a form of diplomacy, Robertson is gambling that his advocacy of marijuana legalization will turn the public against it. On behalf of society as a whole, but most especially the children, Promethean Times thanks Pat Robertson for his brave stance in helping America say nope to dope and ugh to drugs.
Parents: Oaksterdam University Is NOT A Fully Accredited Institution Of Higher Learning! It's More Like A Community College.²
08 Thursday Mar 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Sport, Stupidity
Tags
America the fat, America the sedentary, college athletics, competitive eating, conspicuous consumption, fat people, fatty fatty two-by-four couldn't get through the bathroom door, gurgitators, National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association, NCCEA, Rudy, United States of America, vulgar non-sports, waddling grotesquery, Why am I so fat?
Yesterday, I Was A Lazy Pile OF Guts, But Today, I Am An ATHLETE.
College athletics hold a special place in American hearts. In many American backwaters too rural to support a professional team, college sports serve to unite entire communities and regions in a shared passion. Moreover, fans of college sports claim a moral advantage over those of professional sports, as college athletes ostensibly play not for money, but for the love of competition. In this way collegiate competition achieves a transcendent purity absent from higher-level sports.
But Earning A Spot On The Varsity Fart-Lighting Squad Is Pretty Cool, Too.
That is about to change. Competitive eating, the vulgar non-sport which allows shambling, ham-fisted grotesqueries to masquerade as athletes, is now popping up on campuses across the nations like dark spots of malignancy in a lung X-Ray. Enter the National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association (NCCEA). This organization is dedicated to metastasizing this vulgar endeavor throughout institutions of higher learning across the nation.
Racy Photos Of Scantily-Clad Athletes Such As David Beckham, Danica Patrick Or This Dude Can Be Very Sexy.
And why not? Is it right that college athletics should somehow remain inviolate while a creeping tide of ‘weakest-linkism’ subsumes the college experience? In an environment where personal responsibility has been eschewed in favor of inclusion and empowerment in lieu of academics, it is only fitting that sport now too should trumpet the triumph of the mediocre.
Today This Little Pussy Would Have Whined His Way Into A Starting Spot.
Sports purists may have difficulty seeing the beauty and grace inherent in an activity where the competitors, or ‘gurgitators,‘ stuff themselves in an obscene culinary orgy only to vomit into their own mouths before swallowing it again, where glory is gained not through hour upon hour of practice, but by virtue of having been made a freakish living stomach by a capricious God. This hidebound and myopic viewpoint is terribly anachronistic, and fails to take into account the realities of our age of mediocrity. Today, when everyone is special regardless of his actual ability, it no longer matters if an individual strives to achieve a worthwhile and long-desired aim, or even, really, that he strives at all.
Oh My God, Can We Tell You? We Are Just So Fucking Proud To Be American Right Now.
07 Wednesday Mar 2012
Tags
Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, Elena Kagan, gay people, Gilbert and Sullivan, Richard M. Nixon, Supreme Court, the Supremes, you got a real purty mouth
Like Their Judicial Namesakes, These Supremes Have An Effervescent Style That Will Remain Fabulous Throughout The Ages.
People who say that Barack Obama nominated the first gay Supreme Court justice in Elena Kagan have obviously forgotten that former Chief Justice William Rehnquist, a Nixon appointee, presided over Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings wearing a robe he designed himself based on an outfit he’d once seen in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta.
You Must Admit, He Was The Very Model Of A Major Modern General.
Promethean Times 