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Monthly Archives: February 2011

Mississippi Burning. What, Again?

18 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

American Civil War, Confederacy, Confederate States of America, CSA, Grand Cyclops, KKK, Klansman, Ku Klux Klan, license plate, losers don't get to write history, Magnolia State, Masada, Mississippi, mouth-breathing halfwits, Nathan Bedford Forrest, Robert Byrd, that trick never works, the Alamo, The Sons of Confederate Veterans, The South, The South Will Rise Again!, Thermopylae, Uncle-Daddy, War Between the States, West Virginia

By Smaktakula

"Fellers, Y'all Do Know We Done Already Lost That Fight With Them Yankee Sumbitches, Right?"

In the Magnolia State, old ghosts have risen to once again fan the embers of division and reignite the conflagration that civilized America believed long-dead.  It seems that after nearly two centuries of statehood, Mississippi just can’t get its act together.

The state’s most recent trouble began when the Mississippi Division of the Sons of Confederate Veterans proposed a state license plate commemorating the end of the War Between the States, known in places long-accustomed to indoor plumbing as the American Civil War.  This request is somewhat unusual since, with rare exceptions in incidents of transcendent courage such as Masada, the Alamo or Thermopylae–losers are not typically commemorated.

 The Justice Department says the former managers of a Mississippi mobile home park who allegedly discriminated against a black family that lived there after being displaced by Hurricane Katrina have agreed to pay $50000 in monetary damages and civil penalties.

So Is This What Your Great-Grandaddy Fought So Hard For? Just Checking.

Even more controversial is the SCV’s choice of Nathan Bedford Forrest‘s image for the new license plate.  Forrest is a contentious figure because he was a Confederate Lieutenant General during the Civil War.  That, and he was an early and influential member of the Ku Klux Klan.

If Mississippi chooses to honor Forrest by issuing the offensive license plate, it will invite turmoil from within the state and opprobrium without.   Moreover, the leech-choked mudpatch would become the first state to so lavishly celebrate a Klansman since West Virginia, which continues to name just about everything within its borders in honor of former KKK Grand Cyclops, Robert Byrd.

While it may be too much to ask that Mississippi pull itself fully into the 21st Century, we suggest a more modest goal. Perhaps the state could shoot for 1978 or 1979?

The South Will Rise Again!
No it won’t neither.  You hush up an’ eat that possum ‘fore it gets cold, now.

SI Swimsuit Issue Quickly Fading Into Irrelevance

16 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Americana, beach volleyball, OB/GYN, porn, pr0n, pseudosport, quaint relics of a forgotten age, SI Swimsuit Issue, smut, spank mags, Sports Illustrated, water-skiing

By Smaktakula

Neither prurient nor  graphic enough to qualify as porn, and lacking all but the most tenuous connection with the world of sports (and that limited to water-skiing and beach volleyball), the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now most likely to find a home beneath the mattresses of lonely pubescent boys too inept to successfully navigate the internet.

Sorry, But When A Six-Year-Old With A Computer Can See As Much In An Hour On The Internet As A Busy OB/GYN Does In A Week, There's No Longer Any Place For This Quaint Bit Of Americana.

“Iron” Moshe Tyson

15 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"Iron" Mike, boxing, cannibalism, crazy people, disgraced athletes, dreidel, eat children, Jews, Judaism, kashrut, kosher, Lennox Lewis, Mike Tyson, orthodoxy, pugilism, ritually unclean, shechita, so is Allah cool with Mike going Kosher?, treif, vegan

By Smaktakula

Wait A Moment, Michael. Ask Yourself, "Does This Meal Meet With The Standards Of Kashrut?"

Terrifying former pugilist “Iron” Mike Tyson has a reputation for being difficult.  However, in this instance the seething bag of resentment has made work easy for Promethean Times.  He hasn’t just set the ball, but spiked the damn thing as well.  Observe:

Mike Tyson, who has recently declared himself a vegan, plans to open a chain of kosher/vegan restaurants.

"I Very Much Regret Thaying I Wanted To Eat Lennox Lewith's Children. Even If They Had Been Prepared In Accordanth Wiff The Law, They Would Motht Likely Thtill Be Treif, And Thuth Ritually Unclean."

“I have a little dreibel, I make it out of clay, when ith dry and ready, wiff dreibel I thall play…”
“Mike?  Mike?”
“What?  Why’d you thtop me?”
“It’s ‘dreidel,’ Mike.  Dreidel with a ‘D.'”
“Thath what I thaid!”
“Oh, sorry.  I thought you said . . . never mind, Mike–let’s try it again.”
“You know, you’re really thtarting to upthet me.”

This Day In History: February 14, 1989 CE

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1989, Ayatollah Khomeini, censorship, douchebaggery, douchey theocrats, fatwa, February 14, Iran, religious intolerance, Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses, theocratic cultural backwaters, this day in history, those wacky mullahs!, your feelings > freedom of expression

On which douchey theocrat Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini vociferously expresses his displeasure with Salman Rushdie‘s The Satanic Verses. The tactic proves so popular that it remains the Islamic community’s preferred method to redress grievances both real and imagined.

"Okay, First Of All, I'd Like To Thank Everybody For Coming. I Know You All Had To Take Time Out Of Your Busy Lives, But It's Great You Could Be Here. A Couple Of Special Mentions Before I Forget: Thanks To Faisal And Mohammad For Donating The Envelopes. Also, Everybody Remember To Thank Ibrahim's Boss For Letting Us Use The Stamp Machine. Okay, Let's Get Down To Business: Remember, When Writing The Publisher To Express Your Hurt Feelings, Be Firm But Polite. After All, We Don't Want To Sound Like A Bunch Of Crazies, Am I Right, Guys?"

We, the public, are easily, lethally offended.  We have come to think of taking offence as a fundamental right.  We value very little more highly than our rage, which gives us, in our opinion, the moral high ground.  From this high ground we can shoot down at our enemies and inflict heavy fatalities.  We take pride in our short fuses.  Our anger elevates, transcends.
Salman Rushdie

This Day In History: February 14, 1929 CE

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1929, Al Capone, Alphonse Gabriel Capone, Bugs Bunny, Capone Gang, Chicago, Chicago Outfit, Edward G. Robinson, Elmer Fudd, February 14, gangs, George Clarence Moran, Illinois, Italian-Americans, Moran Gang, Prohibition, St. Valentine's Day Massacre, this day in history, unpunished, Valentine's Day, Wabbit Season

On which a group of Chicago’s North Side Gang members are each given a most unwelcome valentine in the form of a bullet to the brain.  Gang leader Bugs Moran narrowly manages to avoid the slaughter.

Different Guy Entirely. Salvatore "Bugs" Bunnicci Rose To Lead The Fudd Gang After Gang Leader Elmer Was Found Dead, His Mouth Stuffed With His Own Testicles And The Words 'WABBIT SEASON' Carved Into His Chest With A Vegetable Of Some Kind.

Although no convictions would result from what would quickly come to be known as the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, evidence then, as now, points to an Italian-American businessman, Alphonse Gabriel Capone.

"But I Was In Florida, See? Myah! Ya Got Nothin' On Me Copper--Nothin'! Myah! Myah!"

Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Buy stuff!, consumerism, February 14, greeting cards, Hallmark Cards, Hallmark Holidays, happy couples, holidays, inadequacy, loneliness, love, manipulative advertising, money, true meanings of holidays, unconditional love, useless crap, Valentine's Day

By Smaktakula

It’s Valentine’s Day.  If you’re not spending money on your valentine, you’re not showing your love.

If you don’t have a valentine, there’s something wrong with you.

Because Love Isn't Free.

Brought to you by your friends at Hallmark Cards.  We’ve been making you feel inadequate for 100 years.

Stand Tall, Mississippi!

11 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bigotry, despotism, Elvis Aaron Presley, embarrassing historical record, impoverished first-world hellhole, impoverished third-world hellhole, inbreeding, intolerance, ladyparts, Mississippi, Mississippi > North Korea, North Korea, places that suck, Pyongyang, slavery, The South, theocratic cultural backwaters, Uncle-Daddy, William Faulkner, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

Unlike Despotic North Korea, Mississippi Has Long Been A Bastion Of Liberty And Complete Equality For All People.

Although impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea and impoverished first-world hellhole Mississippi are roughly the same size, have similar literacy rates and offer an almost identical standard of living, the Southern US state has an edge over the isolated Asian regime: North Korea has yet to produce either an Elvis or a Faulkner.

"He Knew Then--Just As He Had Always Known But Drew From His Ignorance (Or His Supposed Ignorance Or Rather His Imposed Ignorance, Because It Was A Thing Which He Had Taken Upon Himself, Glad In The Lethe-Like Completeness Of Its Abnegation And Erasure) That Sustenance With Which The Ignorant, Or Perhaps Just The Apparently Ignorant, Seem To Subsist, Growing No Fatter Nor Leaner For It--That His Home Country With Its Dusty Roads Trod Firm By The Eternal Unyielding Drum Of Bare Feet On That Blood-Earned Earth, Themselves Beset By Hookworm Or A Dozen Other Rots And Blights For Which They Did Not Know The Name Or Even That A Name For The Thing Should Exist At All, The Sweating September Pines Whispering The True History Of The Place, The One Not Man Nor Woman Nor Child, Negro Nor Caucasian, Youth Nor Town Father, Would Dare Or Even Think To Give Voice But Knew As Well As Anyone Else, And With A Thousand Other Afflictions Besides Was Still His Home Country After All, And He No More Divisible From It Than Red From A Ruby, And That He Could Feel About It However He Wished But That It Loved Him Still And Whether He Knew It (And He Did Know It; Had Known It Like The Other Thing) Or Cared To Admit It Anyway Would Draw Him Like The Moths Which In His Youth Danced About the Oil Lamps At The Hunting Camp Until They, Like He, Would Almost Against Their Will Be Plunged Into It And There Finally Be Settled Alongside His Progenitors, Hated And Beloved Both, At Long Last Making Literal His Heretofore Symbolic Bond To The Land; Knowing This, He Said, 'SCREW Y'ALL, NORTH KOREA! Y'ALL KIN KISS MAH REBEL ASS!'"

"Pyongyang? Huh. Whuddaya Spose That Is, Fellas? The Chinese Word For Ladyparts?"

“Ha! Ladyparts!  Good one, E!”

Charlie Got No Teefuses!

11 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad teeth, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, delirium tremens, dentures, drugs, DTs, fellatio, gold digger, Kacey Jordan, Neil Armstrong, Polident, poor dental hygiene, porn stars, prostitution, Shane MacGowan, skanks, skonks, so sad, teefuses, wretched, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Charlie's DTs Have Grown So Severe That He Now Believes Himself To Be Stalked By A Miniaturized Neil Armstrong, Who Tries Desperately To Fellate The Falling Star.

Cretinous 24-Hour party person Charlie Sheen has managed to keep his winning smile throughout his myriad legal and personal woes.  However, like so much else in Hollywood, it turns out that Sheen’s pearly whites are fakes, his toothy grin the result of porcelain and Polident.

Just To Clarify: When You Say 'Size Doesn't Matter,' Are You Talking About The Beak Or The Rack?

This  comes straight from the spunky mouth of Kacey Jordan, who spent time with the self-destructing TV personality during his recent 36-hour coke binge.  Jordan, who is delightedly making herself a talk-show sensation at Sheen’s expense, calls herself an adult actress because she is paid to have sex on camera.  However, as she also receives payment for non-filmed sex, she can add ‘whore’ to her list of credits.

Good News For Charlie: "My Dentist Thinks He Can Save Two Of 'Em!"

Jordan says that most of Sheen’s remaining handful of teeth are gold, and that the actor wears a porcelain bridge to prevent young children from screaming when they see him pass.  According to Jordan, the reason for this is clear: “Drugs.”  Jordan is not a doctor, but she has played a naughty nurse on several occasions, giving her the confidence to make this medical diagnosis.

So, That Thing On Your Lip . . .

If these sad revelations contain even a grain of truth, Sheen has fallen even further than anyone could have guessed.  It is too late to wish the former star a normal life, but perhaps not too late to simply hope for his continuing survival.  The upshot of Sheen’s grotesque smile contains at least one positive, however. The actor’s dental woes should serve him well during his next stint in prison, where smooth, slick gums are highly prized.

Shane MacGowan

"Freeing Myself From The Slavery Of The Toothbrush Was The Best Thing I Ever Did. It Hardly Hurts Any More, And The Ladies Don't Mind That I Talk Like I've Got A Mouthful Of Snot."

Grand Theft LiLo

10 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

baby daddy, Bill Clinton, California, celebriskanks, Celebrity Death Watch, completely preventable deaths, Crime, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, grand theft, implosion, legal issues, LiLo, LiLophiles, Lindsay Lohan, Lohan arrested, lost girls, Marilyn Monroe, skankery, skanks, theft, tweakers, untalented stars, Venice

By Smaktakula

Isn't This The Chick Who Accosted Us Outside Of 7-11 And Wouldn't Shut Up About Her "Tweaker Piece Of Shit Baby Daddy" Until We Gave Her A Quarter?

The date for Lindsay Lohan’s final, pathetic implosion remains unknown, but draws inexorably closer.  Throughout her short life, the Flower of American Skankhood has faced a number of legal difficulties both domestically and abroad, but can now add a new charge to her growing rap sheet: grand theft.

LiLo is accused of boosting a $2,500 necklace from a California Jewelry store in January, less than a month after ending her most recent rehab stay.  Although the sticky-fingered celebriskank had not heretofore been charged with theft, she is suspected in several recent clothing-related heists.

Having snorted the bulk of her dwindling resources, Lohan may not be able to enlist the services of a top-flight lawyer, and it’s unlikely that she’ll receive a helping hand from Hollywood with her star so rapidly on the wane.  However, some LiLophiles see a silver lining in the event that Lohan is compelled to do jail time.  Every day that the drug-addled has-been spends behind bars is another day that she cheats the untimely and degrading death which awaits her.

Unlike Marilyn Monroe, LiLo Lacks Talent And Has Never Banged A President. Although One Of Those Is Within Lindsay's Reach, Bill Clinton Will Never Be Able To Make Her Talented.

PajamaJeans: You Just Don’t Care Anymore

09 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

As Seen On TV, cosmetic solutions, dead inside, fat ass, giving up, gunt support, homemakers, MILFs, MILFy mystique, muumuus, PajamaJeans, we support gunt control, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

The fashion world welcomes an exciting new addition to the As Seen On TV menagerie: PajamaJeans.  Blending the muumuu-like luxury of pajamas with the I-Have-A-Job assertiveness of jeans, PajamaJeans lend a touch of MILFy mystique to dowdy homemakers.

Pajama Jeans: The Sassy, Sexy Way To Tell The World That You've Stopped Trying.

Because it’s 6:45 AM somewhere.

“Now with 30% more gunt support!”
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