Category Archives: News

Abortion: Little Women

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Because It’s Your Right To Choose (Certain Exceptions May Apply).

In its 1973 landmark decision, Roe v. Wade, the US Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution guaranteed a woman’s right to an abortion. This decision gave women control of their own reproductive choices, and freed them from the potential slavery of unwanted children.

Don’t Sweat It; There’s A Quick Fix If Something Happens.

However, in 2012 there is growing concern that some parents may be abusing this fundamental right. Although a relatively insignificant problem in the West, sex-selective abortion has radically changed the demographic makeup of countries like China or India, where boys are more highly prized than are girls. To prevent the wholesale erasure of an entire generation of girls, advocates say that even in countries like the United States where sex-selection is rare, parents shouldn’t be told the gender of their child until late in the pregnancy, except in the most extreme cases.

So We Guess Abortion Should Be Kept Safe And Legal, As Long As Everybody Remembers It’s A Child And Not A Choice.

If fetal identity protection is enshrined into law, it could prove a godsend for all women, even those as-yet unborn. The elimination of the gender-selection loophole would limit abortion to those women with any one of the many acceptable reason for undergoing the procedure, such as not wanting a child, but would prevent individuals from terminating their pregnancies for reasons as odious as not wanting a girl-child.

“Abort More Boys!”

Could You Be An Asshole? National Tragedy

20 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in News, Stupidity

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This was originally posted back in 2011 after the shooting of Rep. Gabby Giffords of Arizona. Today seems appropriate to reprint it, as perhaps we need a reminder.

By Smaktakula

Nothing brings out assholes like a tragedy, and Saturday’s horrific mass shooting in Tuscon is no exception. As in this instance, assholes often reveal themselves through their initial thoughts.

ASSHOLE:

“You Know, If Giffords Had Been Packing A Gun Of Her Own, We Wouldn’t Be Having This Conversation Right Now.”

ASSHOLE:

“Well, If This Gets America To Get Rid Of Its Guns, I Guess It’s Worth It.”

NOT AN ASSHOLE:

“My God. No Words Exist To Express My Deep Shock And Sorrow. My Heart Goes Out To The Families Of The Six People Who Were Murdered, And To The Dozen Or So More Who Are Hospitalized. I’m So, So Sorry.”

Headlines 07.13.12

13 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History, News

≈ 47 Comments

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By Smaktakula

We’re Just A Little Surprised That Hallmark Hasn’t Figured Out A Way To Cash In On This Yet.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the stories.

***

More Women Look Over the Counter for a Libido Fix ~ At Waldo’s ‘All Things Vibrating’ Pleasure Emporium.

How to Tell Your Partner You Have IBD: 7 Ways to Make Them Understand ~ Irritable Bowel Disorder? Somehow, we think your partner already knows.

Ticks & Pregnancy: How To Protect Yourself ~Ticks are sweet-talkers, that’s for sure, but you need to protect yourself, Honey. You tell him, “I don’t care if it IS smaller than a dust mote–no glove, no love!”

Should Everyone Get an Instadeath Pill When They Turn 75? ~ Oooh, great question! Ask yourself that one when you turn 74, jackass.

Motorcycle officer lassos runaway bull ~ Wow! A dude could fly to the moon, cure cancer, bang the Queen of England and STILL not be as cool as that guy.

Whatever. You Know You Would.

Dominic Deville, An Evil Birthday Clown, Stalks Your Child For A Fee ~ Yawn. Thanks to the National Sex Offender registry, it’s never been easier to find someone who will pay ME for the privilege of stalking my child.

Mom Who Wants 14-Year-Old to Get Breast Implants Needs Serious Help ~ No kidding she does!–Junior Misses’ Fake Funbags don’t come cheap. So pony up, folks!

Former CIA spy advocates overthrow of Iranian regime ~ “The way I see it, we could depose the legitimate government, and maybe put in some despotic strongman who will act in the interest of the oil companies for twenty-five years or so until the people rise up and replace him with an anachronistic and dangerously intolerant theocracy, which could then seize a bunch of Americans…wait, wait, wait…did we already do this?”

Hotel guard kills self in gun prank; CCTV footage records incident ~ Ha! Good one! And he got it on camera so he can watch it later.

7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future ~ #5 is not getting her the Barbie Ultimate Dream Playhouse she’s been asking for. She’s not fucking kidding about that.

Greek leader defies France, Germany on their turf ~ Picking on the French is no big deal; you can kick ’em through the streets of Paris if that’s your thing. But leave the krauts alone. When those people get the idea in their heads that there’s an insidious foreign presence in their midst…well, they go a little nuts.

Seriously, Greece–Put Some Thought Into It Next Time. Do You Really Think Poland Likes Having To Start From Scratch Every Couple Generations?

Saddened Town Recalls History With Drug Giant ~ When he was sober, Paul was a gentleman. But then he’d get to sniffing that glue, and it wouldn’t be long before every building in town was a pile of smashed timber and the streets drowned in a river of blue ox-shit.

Anti-booty camp for male teen porn addicts ~ The camp experience harkens back to an earlier time, when there was no electricity or running water, and teenage boys had to flog the dolphin to a crumpled picture of Kathy Ireland from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

WILL FERRELL AND GORDON RAMSAY INJURED IN CHARITY SOCCER MATCH ~ Sometimes you don’t have to look very far to find proof of God’s existence.

When a Government Rapes Its People ~ Well, what did the people expect, going out dressed like that?

Study – Cancer Survivors Die From Other Things ~ Yeah, that’s  a mind-blower. But here’s where it really gets weird: it turns out that people who DON’T get cancer die of other things at an even higher rate!

Sandy Alderson rips SF Giants fans ~ Those people are just plain evil, and the reasons to hate them myriad.

Wearing This Cap Is An Excellent Way To Tell The World That You Were Suckled By A She-Lemur And That You Think The Holocaust Was A Great Big Lie.

Parents Charged With Killing Daughter’s Pimp Acted Too Late ~ Apparently, pimp-killin’ has a very specific, 24-hour legal window. After that, you have to settle for a pimp-slap.

Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That?  ~ Really? So Mom & Dad never had this talk with you? Okay, well have you ever noticed how your index finger is shaped perfectly to fit inside your nostril? It’s kinda like that.

The Y-Chromosome Is Shrinking! Will Men Go Extinct? ~ If so, you won’t have very long to savor your victory.

New Mexican President Could Target Small Gangs ~ Entirely likely, as it’s the larger gangs to which he’s beholden, like the Zetas or the Mexican Army.

Kate Middleton’s ‘Rotten’ Teeth Reveal the Secret Behind Her Smile ~ It’s no secret that Kate’s British.

The Pain Can Help You Forget That You’re Eating A Boiled Kidney Pop-Tart With Blood-Gravy Filling Swimming In Brown Sauce And Vinegar.

Thoughts On Gay Pride

09 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics

≈ 57 Comments

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By Tardsie

Is It Hate Speech To Point Out That It Kinda Looks Like The Flag Of A Third-World Nation? ‘Cause If It Is, We Won’t Say Anything.

I have a hard time getting my head around the idea of gay pride.

Wait, wait–before anybody gets his leather panties in a bunch and starts filling my mailbox with rainbow-hued death threats, let me do my best to explain–and please refrain from calling the tolerance cops in the meantime. For those individuals constantly on the lookout to take umbrage (and there are a lot of them these days), just keep walking–there’s nothing for you to see here. I’m by no means disparaging the notion of being proud of one’s homosexuality, just trying to understand it. Ultimately, I’m cool with anything that gives an individual a sense of identity, community and purpose if it’s not hurting anybody. Happy people make life better for everyone.

This Is The Point At Which The ‘Identity, Community & Purpose’ Thing Starts To Break Down.

And it’s not like there aren’t people out there prouder of stranger things. There are men–grown men!–who are proud of things as ridiculous as toy trains, model soldiers or belt-buckles. In Alabama, many young married couples take great pride in choosing spouses from outside their immediate families. I can’t pretend that I understand these things, but I appreciate the very real happiness they bring to people who do.

Yes, We’re Even Happy For You. Freak.

For this reason, while I’m ‘for’ gay pride (in that I’m not against it; I am a study in ambivalence), I’m afraid I’ll never really understand it. I think this is because my only basis of comparison is my own heterosexuality, of which I am most definitely not proud. Quite the opposite, in fact–I’m actually a little ashamed of it, if I’m being honest. I mean, when I think back on the moments in my life of which I’m least proud–times when I was manipulative, dishonest or just plain stupid–if I examine them closely, I see that my heterosexuality was behind every one of them.

Because If There’s One Thing We’ve Learned In Life, It’s That The Ladies Love A Dude Who Isn’t Afraid To Play By His Own Rules.

So maybe the gays* know something we don’t.

It Absolutely Is. Likewise, It’s Also Okay For Us Not To Care Very Much.

*Just having a little fun with the “the”, folks! We’re just tickled that adding a simple article to a word stops conversation faster than a fart in church. ∞ T.

Ernest Borgnine: Wasn’t Dead Before, Is Now

08 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

Ernest Borgnine: Really Great In That Movie Or Movies That He Did.

Yeah, he just now died. So you probably want to apologize to that person with whom you were recently arguing about this very thing, and admit that you were wrong. Tell him that you were thinking of Abe Vigoda.

Not Actually Dead.

Headlines: 06.29.12

29 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

You Need To Let That One Go, Fellas. Nature Will Sort Everything Out.

Look–you can read the articles if you want, but we get all we need to know from the headlines.

Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.

World’s oldest known pottery discovered in China ~ Archaeologists contend that despite its antiquity, the remarkable find is every bit as lame and boring as modern pottery.

NY man admits to pouring bleach into children’s milk ~ Mayor Bloomberg personally arranged for his release, arguing that at zero calories, bleach was a healthy alternative to high-calorie sodas.

Here’s a Photo of Lightning Striking the Empire State Building Yesterday ~ What a rare and beautiful sight! You know, lightning only strikes the ESB 500 times a year.

Kim K. doesn’t know what ‘virgin’ means ~ To be fair, virginity isn’t something she’s had to worry about since she was nine.

“Am I The One That Likes To Get Peed On? I Can’t Even Remember Any More.”

Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found ~ Forcing the FDA to reevaluate the claims made by the manufacturers of ‘disappearing creams.’

Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls from Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up ~ She was only doing what she thought was right. If they’re under the weight-limit, you’re supposed to toss ’em back.

Attorneys: Sandusky’s adopted son says he’s also a victim ~The kid’s adopted, so at least they can’t throw incest into the mix.

Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?

Looking for Pedro Hernandez ~ Have you already checked the parking lot of Home Depot?

For $9 An Hour And A Big Mac, He’ll Be Anyone You Want Him To.

Porn star claims butt is hers~ No one’s quite figured out how to break it to her that her ass is now public domain.

Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.

Mystery of Stonehenge solved? ~ Most likely not.

French president defends early Afghan withdrawal ~ Yeah, but he’s got a speech already prepared. The French are no strangers to leaving the game before the whistle blows.

Woman gets naked at airport ~ Making the pat-down for the guy behind her very awkward.

We’d Fly A Lot More, That’s For Damn Sure.

Earth Day initiatives becoming commonplace ~ But no less tiresome.

RFK assassination witness tells CNN: There was a second shooter ~ The witness later recanted, confirming that there had in fact been only one shooter. Explaining his confusion he said, “I thought there were two different guys named ‘Sirhan.’ My bad.”

Woman, child survive mauling by cheetahs ~ Seriously impugning the feline’s claim to be the fastest land animal in the world.

Egypt official says election results to be released Sunday ~ The families of election officials to be released Monday.

TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”

The Reward Of Those Who Come Here Is A Burning Impotence And Tears Of Regret.

Headlines 06.20.12

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics

≈ 10 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Relax, Nobody’s Dead. They’re Talking About “Any Sensation Whatsoever.”

In which we comment on today’s headlines, without reading the articles.

If you’re like us, you instinctively distrust those pedantic know-it-alls who doggedly insist upon keeping abreast with the affairs of the day. Friends, reading weakens the legs.

***

Nasty, harsh, overcrowded: Life in a Honduran prison ~ Nevertheless, these institutions remain the Honduran equivalent of a 3-Star hotel.

Zombie Hoax Terrifies Florida Town ~ But now that you’ve had your fun, why don’t you leave those poor people alone? After all, your typical Floridian is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Miley Cyrus—Has One of Her New Songs Been Leaked?! ~ No, no. That sound you hear is a leaking hose on the air-conditioner. Reasonable mistake, though.

Friends don’t draw on faces ~ We’re sorry that you never got the opportunity to attend a four-year institution, bro.

Afghanistan gets veto power on night raids ~ Our staunch allies in the War on Terror reason that if raids are conducted during daylight hours, American forces will have a better opportunity to experience Afghanistan’s many natural wonders.

One Of The Most Beautiful Countries On Earth. The Sucky Part Is That It’s Absolutely Crawling With Afghanis.

In Hollywood, an ’80s Moment ~ Adding the word ‘moment’ to another word–say, for example, ‘teaching moment’–lends an added punch of poignancy. It also makes you sound like a precious assweasel. From now on, just let the moments happen.

Vacuum scares adorable kitten ~ There aren’t too many things which strike us as ‘adorable,’ but terrorizing small and defenseless animals is unquestionably one of them.

B6 may help you recall dreams ~ Perhaps, but a sufficient dose of LSD will let you LIVE them.

Defending the Choice to Be Childless ~ People are so judgmental. Listen, for some people, having children is the right choice. Others, however, find just as much satisfaction in being an evolutionary doorstop.

What to do if you’re raising a bilingual child who refuses to speak Spanish ~ Well, you’re not really raising a bilingual child then, are you?

“Man, It’s A Mess In Here! Doesn’t Anybody Clean The Third Floor Any More?”

Pope’s Butler Formally Charged With Leaks ~ (You’re expecting us to go with something along the lines of So the butler REALLY did do it! aren’t you? Har Har. You’ll wish we had, though…) Normally what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican. If the Church has demonstrated anything over the past couple millennia, it is not only the capacity–but also an eagerness bordering on compulsion–to plug little holes.

Preacher: No new rapture date in sight ~ Finally! We thought you’d NEVER realize that the Almighty was just fucking with you.

Team embraces gay athletes ~ Hopefully their brave example will be followed by the rest of the figure skating community.

Affair over for student & teacher ~ Well, we didn’t want to say anything, but Tyfinny-Krystal was starting to look a little long in the tooth.

Ladies–If You Want To Hold On To Your Man, You’ve Got To Think Young!

Missing leg found at sea ~ Yeah, but if even the sharks don’t want it, we’ve got to figure that leg is practically worthless.

How the Military Has Won Egypt’s Presidential Election ~ Pretty much how the military always manages to win elections. It’s not by wasting a lot of time standing around voting, that’s for damn sure.

Old & alone? How about retiring in jail? ~ Right? ‘Cause nothing makes you feel young and loved in quite the same way as does hiding a shiv in your ass-crack.

Dating event bans fat people ~ It wasn’t because they were fat, though–just that their hooves kept marking up the dance floor.

Meet Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend ~ We didn’t catch her name. But listen–if you’ve got $75 and a carton of Virginia Slims, she’ll do this *thing.* We’ll tell you this much: it involves a ring-tailed lemur & a Flowbee, and it’s illegal pretty much everywhere but Thailand.

Yeah, Dignity And A Well-Developed Sense Of Self Are Nice And All, But At The Same Time, You Can’t Squeeze Them And Make Honking Noises.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: You Might Like To Know

02 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Religion

≈ 24 Comments

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Originally posted 10.04.11

By Smaktakula

Although They Don’t Celebrate Holidays, Every Day Is A Party For The Witnesses.

Admit it, you don’t know much about the Jehovah’s Witnesses other than that you fear them. For many, the sight of a well-dressed, smiling couple patrolling the neighborhood can instill the same fear that a gang member would. Unlike that gang member, whose interest in your house is only a possibility, the Witnesses are guaranteed to knock on your door, copy of The Watchtower in hand.

Unlike Jews Or Muslims, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Exist For You To Mock.

You may know some of the more peculiar details of the Witnesses’ faith–the failed doomsday predictions, their lack of cool holidays or Witnesses’ refusal to salute the flag. Moreover, they refuse blood transfusions and military service. Most peculiar of all, like Jews and Seventh Day Adventists, Witnesses choose to ruin their Saturday with church, rather than the accepted Western tradition of Church on Sunday.

Pull The Curtains And Turn Off The TV Unless You’ve Got Three Hours To Kill.

But most people don’t know the price the Witnesses have paid over the years for their anti-militaristic views. Their refusal to serve in World War I angered fascistic governments in Germany and the United States, resulting in persecution and imprisonment.  During the Holocaust, Jehovah’s Witnesses paid with their lives, sent to the camps along with Gypsies, Jews, homosexuals, communists and common criminals. But unlike many of the others, whose offense to Nazi Germany was tied to some immutable condition, all the Witnesses had to do to save their own lives was to shut up about the Holocaust. Contrarians to the end, they refused. Their devotion was such that SS captains implored their lethal stooges to be as fanatical as the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

You Had No Fucking Idea, Did You?

Lastly, everyone must agree that given the Witnesses’ literal belief that only 144,000 souls will be admitted to heaven, it’s pretty generous of them to go door to door every week. With such a small number of the elect slated to make it into heaven, a Jehovah’s Witness puts his or her spot in jeopardy with every knock on the door.

The Witnesses Politely Told The Nazis To Enjoy Relations With Themselves.

Headlines 06.01.12

01 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 18 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Sadly, That Bogart Smaktakula Refused To Pass It.

In which, for the briefest of moments, we look up from the drudgery of our deadline long enough to comment on some news stories we can’t be bothered to read. Enjoy!

Pa. mom charged with killing her toddler twins Adam and Eve ~ We’re not sure just why Adam had to bite it, but that Eve was one bad apple. *** Start with a winner, folks–that’s our motto!

Skier dies after falling 2,000 feet ~ That would more properly make him a sky-diver.

Biden says end to wars gives US new flexibility ~ Totally. We can go start a couple new wars if we want.

Koreans busted for stamina pills made from dead babies ~ They’re called ‘Soyrent Green.’

“My God, It Made From Peeper!”

And Your Next ‘American Idol’ Is … ~ The Ely, Nevada Wendy’s Employee of the Month for February, 2015.

10 Things to Never Put on Your Resume ~ Six of them are things you can do with your penis.

Is ‘old-person smell’ for real? ~ You don’t actually know any old people, do you?

New Evidence in Manson murders? ~ After seeing the new evidence, we’re starting to believe Manson might have been guilty after all.

$10K reward for bear killer ~ Ironically, no reward offered for killer bear.

“Then Ranger Smith Says, ‘Yogi, Please–You Don’t Have To Do This! I Have A Family!’ So I Said, ‘Shut The Fuck Up, Man, Or I’ll Eat Them, Too.'”

Jesus’ crucifixion date found? ~ It’s Memorial Day. And that’s why on July 4th, we celebrate with fireworks.

Baseball: Chicago Cubs snap 12-game losing streak, beat San Diego Padres ~ We don’t want to bring yet even more misery to the Windy City, but a victory against the Padres doesn’t actually count toward snapping a losing streak. Sorry!

Octomom’s First Porn Shoot Had WHAT? ~ Dignity? Class? A pleasing smell? We give up.

Lakers drop Thunder in double overtime ~ How embarrassing. They might have avoided this if only they’d used the little boy’s room before the big game.

The Horror of Being Hacked in Diablo 3 ~ Hmm. You’re sure that qualifies as  a horror? We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you’re unaware that right now in Swaziland, a little AIDS orphan is starving to death. But you’re right, being hacked does suck.

“It’s Kinda Like That Time My Sister Was Taken By The Rebel Army To Be Used As A…But I’m Sorry, Go On–Your Story Was Better.”

Weaponized kitty to dominate ~ It’s an adorabomination!

Is Philanthropy Print Journalism’s Last Hope? ~ You mean giving newspapers away for free? That’s still a little more than we want to pay.

In general, Shaq not suited for GM job ~ Apparently two of the big criteria were the ability to form a coherent sentence and to make three shots in a row from the line.

Woman on scooter injured in collision with semi in SLO ~Obviously we’re glad the woman survived the accident, but it doesn’t say much for the truck that it wasn’t able to kill a chick on a scooter.

Is Batman Coming Out of the Closet? ~ Do you mean the same Batman who dresses in spandex and prowls the filthy backstreets looking for rough action, accompanied at all times by a thirteen-year-old boy in a domino mask and green, fish-scale Speedos? We’d say he’s been out and proud for a while.

So Do You Understand How Something Can Be Gay And Super-Fucking Gay At The Same Time?