Category Archives: Stupidity

Meth For Dummies/Crack In The Cracks

14 Wednesday Dec 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Legal Or Illegal: America Loves Its Drugs.

Although potentially-legalized marijuana is the greatest crisis facing contemporary society, it is by no means the only drug insidiously devouring a generation.  Below, we present a brace of cautionary tales which illuminate the true horrors and depredations of America’s drug epidemic.

A Bigger Threat To Society Than Hitler With A Bad Migraine.

One advantage methamphetamine has over other illegal drugs is that it can be made just about anywhere, using common household products.  This ubiquity has caused meth, the little drug that could, to take off like a rocket across the United States.

Each Image Is Someone You Could Reasonably Imagine Encountering At Walmart.

It turns out, however, that there yet places where the manufacture of methamphetamine remains a poor idea, as Alisha Halfmoon discovered to her regret.  The brain-addled crank enthusiast was arrested in a Tulsa, Oklahoma Walmart after spending six hours in the back of the store whipping up a batch of crystal.

But Maybe Not At Walmart.

But of course meth isn’t the only drug causing Americans to do stupid and degrading things.  Crack, considered by many to be ‘yesterday’s scourge,’ is still ruining lives across the nation.  Among those enslaved by the glass teat is one Ella Jo Price of South Carolina.

We're Not So Sure; It Inspired This Adorable Street Art, Didn't It? And It's 'Whack' By The Way.

Perhaps believing that it’s better to have something and not need it than to need something and not have it, Price had two crack pipes secreted on her person when police pulled her and another man over for speeding in early December.  Although initially resistant to hand over the paraphernalia, when the police became insistent, Price produced the two crack pipes from the foul crannies in which she’d secreted them, her crotch and buttocks respectively.

Seal That One Tight, Boys.

Boycott Trudy’s Dog Washing Service!

25 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Are You Bringing Trudy Your Dogs–Or Your Soul?

Join us on Friday, November 25th, 2011 in our one-day boycott of Trudy’s Dog Washing Service.  For the community’s good, let’s hit this fatcat where it hurts–in her wallet!

For fifteen years Trudy Schwarz has sucked the lifeblood from this community.  Perspicacious enough to notice that seemingly everyone owned a dog, but that very few enjoyed washing the animals, Schwarz exploited this gap by offering to perform these duties for $35.  $35 might not seem like much money, but when you take into account the millions of dog owners in the United States, if each dog visited Schwarz’ business only once year, Trudy’s Dog Washing Service would still be grossing a cool $35 million.

Why Not Do It Yourself?

There are those who will say that Schwarz is providing a service that pet owners are unwilling to perform themselves, and that the small fee is appropriate compensation for her labors.    However, this view dangerously misreads Schwarz’s motives.

Kia spectra 2001

Schwarz Thinks She’s Hot Stuff ‘Cause Her Car’s Paid Off.

Make no mistake–Trudy Schwarz wants your dog to be dirty.  She wants you to bring the dog to her so she can clean it.  But don’t for a minute think that she’s doing this because she cares about you or your dog.  Schwarz is bathing your animal for one reason and one reason only–money.  It’s likely that profit is the sole reason Schwarz got into the dog washing business in the first place.

Like the fleas she sprays from your dog’s belly, Trudy Schwarz is a vicious parasite, sucking the precious lifeblood from America’s consumers.  For one day at least, let’s tell Trudy Schwarz to let her kids go hungry.

 

IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO SAND IN THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER’S VAGINA

Trees: The Silent Killer

22 Tuesday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

It Happens Just Like This.

Several news organizations, most notably Promethean Times, have long been skeptical of nature’s ostensibly beneficent disposition toward humanity.  The popular fiction of nature is that of a homeostatic system, designed to encourage and perpetuate terrestrial life.  As we have long suspected, events in Cambodia are proving the converse: Mother Nature is out to get you.

She Hates You So Much. You Have No Idea.

The trouble began when a group of 136 students at Kompong Cham High School abruptly lost consciousness.  Initial reports identified the mass fainting spell as the result of the students being forced to stand at attention by an overzealous school master for failing to properly salute the nation’s flag.  This analysis was revealed to be dangerously naive .

It's Kind Of A Goofy Flag In The First Place.

As it turns out, the real culprit was the abundance of huge trees surrounding the school.  Historically, the earth’s flora have absorbed carbon dioxide for millennia untold, all the while releasing life-giving oxygen into the atmosphere.  The natural order has changed, however, claims Heng Meng, police chief of the Chamkar Leu district and apparently the country’s leading environmental scientist, who says that the massive trees have now decided to hoard oxygen, resulting in the mass fainting.

But Not Always, Apparently.

In any other country, these life-stealing trees would undoubtedly be allowed to continue victimizing the young while politicians grandstanded for the television cameras and argued among themselves.  But Cambodia is a country historically predisposed to quick and furious action.  If the past is any indication, those plucky Cambodians will soon uproot the trees in the middle of the night and round them up in a central location, perhaps a sports stadium or municipal park, at which point the trees will be shot in the back and dumped in mass graves.

Considering What Cambodians Have Been Willing To Do To Their Own People, We'd Say Those Trees Are Fucked.

celibate national bad grammer day

21 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By smaktakula

We Know Some People Like That.

it seems like nobody gives a care about grammer theseadays.  from angry rants on internet 2 billbords 2 newspaper articles our growing grammatical dumbness is transforming into a national trate trate and not just grammer but also spelling and other stuff

americans should take notice of this cause the rest of the world has.  they look with enviosy at are raw, untamed ignorance and say God damm those are some stupid basterds!  why than should’nt we all so embrace this disti uniqueness and have a special day wear we honor talking bad? lol

americans join us on friday novem. 31st to celibate are own thing or whatever were tired of talking l8s

In Case You Wanted To Know.

Totilly.

On The Plus Side, She Probably Won't Be Able To Read Really Big Words Like 'Rohypnol.'

Prior To Reconstruction, The Road Had Served As An Expressway To A Bright And Shining Future.

It Means Doin' It With Animals.

Ha Ha, But Not Really--English Nerds Don't Do It At All.

Just Like The Real Nazis. Except For All The Mass Murder.

We love you long time.  ∞ T.

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Photographing Your Junk

17 Thursday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

This Achieves The Same End, And Unless You Work For The Citrus Growers Association, Is Not Likely To Get You Fired.

If you’re the kind of dude who photographs and then texts pictures of his genitals, we have a hint for you.  Given the likelihood that your boudoir photos will someday resurface to potentially ruin your life, why not take precautions now to mitigate that eventual crash?

People Are Less Interested In The Indiana Whitesnake Than You Might Imagine.

We recommend making it a habit to carry your cell phone in your crotch.  When people inevitably ask you why you do it, say, “I know it sounds crazy, but a cell phone, like the human body, functions best at 98.6 degrees.”  Those to whom you pass on this fib will either swallow it whole or else believe you to be a drooling moron.  Either way they’ll likely leave you alone about it.  And by carrying your phone in your crotch–and more importantly being known as the kind of jackass who carries his phone in his crotch–you’ll provide your eventual excuse–‘Golly, I don’t know how that happened!‘–with just a smidgen of believability.

Are We Wrong To Want To Preserve Some Of Life's Delicate Mystery?

I ♥ That Sweet, Sweet Ass!

14 Monday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

There's An Old Saying: "If You Can't Find Love In Zimbabwe, Take Yourself To A Place That's Not Quite So Shitty And Try Your Luck There."

Zimbabwe has worked hard to achieve its worldwide recognition as an unlivable hellhole.  As difficult as it may be to believe, Zimbabwe (formerly known as Rhodesia) was once one of Africa’s most prosperous countries.  However, since assuming power in 1980, race-baiting kleptocrat Robert Mugabe has managed to line his own pockets while driving the wretched country spiralling into an economic deathspin.

But for a brief, impossibly delicate moment, one young man thought he had found a little oasis of delight in this broken land of ruined dreams.  Sunday Moro was in love, his miserable life suddenly given meaning and joy through requited affection.  Sadly for young Moro, his was a love his neighbors in the village of Zvishavane simply could not countenance.

We Can't Really Blame Mayo's Love Problems On The ChocoFührer, But God Knows--He's Turned Everything Else In Zimbabwe To Shit.

Trouble came one dark morning at 4:00 AM, when fellow villagers found Moro making sweet, sweet love to his amour, whom, in a fit of kink, the young man had tied to a tree.  The puritanical villagers wasted no time in denouncing the lovers, calling their union “unnatural” and “an affront to all that is holy or even decent.”

Surprisingly, She Cares Not At All For The Donkey Punch.

The love-smitten fornicator tried to explain that, yes, he was fucking a donkey, but could provide an explanation he felt would satisfy his toughest critics.  According to Moro, the beast of burden had been an actual human prostitute when he’d picked her up the night before for $20 US.  However, in addition to being both physically attractive and a great conversationalist, Moro’s beloved was apparently a powerful sorceress, who transformed herself into a donkey shortly before the interlopers arrived.

According to the AP, Mayo said, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.”  Sunday Mayo’s unusual appetites can teach us all a thing or two about the mysterious powers of love:  not only is it color-blind, but also apparently non-speciesist.

"Where We No Longer Tolerate Donkey-Fucking."

Headlines 11.09.11

09 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

The Devil You Say!

Promethean Times’ semi-regular celebration of illiteracy–we read the headlines and skip the articles.

***

Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.

Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy.  It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.

Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.

The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.

What’s Not To Like?

Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this.  It sucks to be a college student in 2011.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Tramp.

German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that.  But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

They’ve Been Known To Let American Guests Stay For Up To 444 Days.

Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.

Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’

Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

How To Tell If Your Son Is Gay ~ Erasure albums.  Even one means the kid’s a homo.

Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.

Still Fat.

Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.

DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.

Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.

Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Despite Islam’s Proscription Against Pork, Some Dudes Have A Hard Time Staying Away From The Sausage.

MORE HEADLINES:

Nothing But Punch Lines

03 Thursday Nov 2011

Posted by in Stupidity

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By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Once You've Seen This Punch Line, Ours Don't Look So Bad.

The punch lines to some of our very favorite jokes:

  • Because it was dead.
  • Natalie Wood.
  • “Fuck you, Clown!”
  • “I totally know what you mean.  The other night at the dinner table, I meant to say to my wife, ‘Honey, would you please pass the green beans?‘ but what I actually said was, ‘You fucking bitch!  You’re ruining my life!‘
  • Your trashcan’s empty and your dog is pregnant.

He'll Do Right By Muffy. It's Not Like A Frenchman To Renege On An Obligation.

  • “Not rice again!”
  • “Git offa me, Pa!–Yer crushin’ mah smokes!”
  • Really?–Wanna go camping?
  • Mega-sore-ass.
  • “MOOOO!”

Actually, There Are Two Great Jokes With "MOOOO!" As Their Punchline, And One Of Them Is Clean.

  • Not being retarded.
  • You use one to swat the flies swarming around the other.
  • “Coach.”
  • So the guy from Texas says, “Remember the Alamo!” and then tosses the Mexican dude out the door.
  • Smurf cum.

Attempts To Sneak Money-Shot Smurf Past The FCC Censors Proved Unsuccessful, Ending In A Sticky, Embarrassing Mess.