Things With Religious Sounding Names Are Cool

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By Smaktakula

Observe:

The Judas Tree: The World's Most Treacherous Flora.

The Jesus And Mary Chain Has Saved Smaktakula's Soul On More Than One Occasion.

The Jerusalem Cricket: Our Favorite Insect.

The Jesus Lizard Is So Freaking Cool That It Walks On Water. However, If You Kill It, It Stays Dead.

It doesn’t always work:

Jesus Jones: Not So Much.

Silky Shark A Victim Of Bad PR

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By Smaktakula

These days, beachgoers have a great many anxieties.  Thanks to movies like Jaws and the annual awesomeness that is Shark Week, bathers know the carnage which can be unleashed in an eyeblink by the likes of a great white, bull shark or tiger shark.  Steve Irwin taught us that even semi-sharks can be dangerous.  Some people are even on the lookout for barracuda.

Unlike The Silky, The Great White Has Nothing To Prove.

These aquatic fears notwithstanding, no one seems to fear the silky shark.  This despite the occasionally aggressive creature’s heavily-muscled body and powerful jaws.  The shark’s soft-sounding name almost certainly has something to do with its lack of reputation.  Silky seems more reminiscent of the tagline for a ladies’ razor commercial than a fearsome would-be maneater.

The silky shark boasts six unprovoked attacks on humans, beating out both the leopard shark and the great hammerhead.  But like those two species, the silky has yet to make a confirmed human kill.  Without this first kill, the silky is destined to remain with the flounders and tuna among the aquatic busters.  If the silky shark intends to join the elite ranks of whites, tigers, bulls and blacktips, clearly more needs to be done.

We suggest that the silky launch an immediate PR campaign.  And a name change wouldn’t hurt.

The Silky Shark: Not Actually A Pussy; It Just Sounds And Acts Like One.

Stracciatella: Culinary Delicacy Or Social Disease?

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By Smaktakula

Okay, Next Picture This Happening In Your Pants.

This one fooled us, too.  Apparently stracciatella can refer to such varied foodstuffs as a soup, cheese and ice-cream.  It is known neither to cause painful urination nor unsightly blemishes on the nether-regions.

We're Reasonably Sure This Is The Soup.

Now the idea of “picking up a case of stracciatella in Italy” doesn’t sound nearly so scary.  Or exciting.

A Fun Historical Fact:  During WWII, American GIs suffering from lactose intolerance were forced to watch a number of anti-stracciatella films before deploying overseas.  Some of the better-known films were Stracciatella? Non!, The Devil’s Cheese and The Fräulein Who Gave Me The Statch. ∞T.

Your Permanent Record: A Really Big Deal

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By Smaktakula

So much in life can hinge upon a single decision.  Once made, some choices come with attendant consequences which are difficult to foresee, but which can exert profound effects upon the whole of a person’s life.  These may be correct decisions, like choosing not to blow one’s unemployment check on lottery tickets again.  Sometimes they’re poor decisions, like torching an apartment complex.  For good or for ill, an individual’s permanent record is a partner for life.

What today’s youth tend to forget is that while a permanent record is built by the young, it must be carried by the old.  The information contained in a person’s permanent record can affect his career options and future earning potential, the type of friends and hobbies he will have, and even the attractiveness of his future mate.

We present the following cautionary example:

Perhaps This Isn't The Best Example. Still, Can You Imagine How Good His Life Would Be Right Now If He Didn't Have A Record?

Stay in school.  Stay out of trouble.  Don’t throw your life away.

Our permanent record,
Should you want to know,
Is pure and clean
Like the driven snow.
Burma Shave ∞T.

Protest Well Done

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By Smaktakula

Long thought the exclusive purview of irksome Buddhist monks, the art of self-immolation has seen a recent resurgence in a region heretofore unknown for the incendiary form of protest–North Africa.  Self-immolation, in which a person sets himself afire,  is a uniquely modern form of protest in that it utilizes the power of the media like a gun, aiming not to explain grievances but to shock and horrify.

When Rage Against The Machine Created This Provocative Image For Their Album Cover, They Could Never Have Guessed It Would Happen In Real Life.

Recently, Egypt, Algeria and Mauritania have all seen acts of self-immolation, thought to have been sparked by events in Tunisia.  On December 17th, 2009, Mohamed Bouazizi burned himself to death, despondent about his ability to feed his family.  The riots which followed rocked Tunisia, ultimately leading to the government’s surprising implosion last week.

Some around the world are concerned that this ghastly trend will spread to other regions, perhaps reaching Europe where unrest over government austerity programs has brought tensions to a slow burn.  However, most social scientists agree that Europeans, like their American cousins, relish the attention and warm, self-satisfied glow which come from political protest , but only up to the threshold of actual sacrifice.  After that, it’s kinda a bummer.

"Brothers And Sisters In The Struggle--We Are With You At Least Until Spring Break."

What The Hell, Bill?

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By Smaktakula

"Hey Jimmy. You 'Member That Time You Were Attacked By A Rabbit?"

"Hoo-eey! That Was Some Funny Business, Let Me Tell You. That Mean Ol' Rabbit Justa Comin' After You . . ."

"That's Not How It Happened!"

"sniff"

"That's Not . . . Look--I Wasn't 'Attacked,' Okay? Forget What You've Heard, 'Cause The Only Thing True About That Story Is The Rabbit!"

"Go Easy, Old-Timer. I Believe You."

"It's Just Not Fair, Bill. All The Stuff That People Think They Remember About Me Is Mostly Lies Bundled In With Half-Truths. Nobody Remembers The Good Things I've Done."

"Jimmy, That's Just Not True. Everybody Knows About Your Work With Habitat For--"-

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BUILDING GODDAMN HOUSES HERE, BILL!"

Bill Clinton Pictures

"I'm Sorry, Bill. That Was Uncalled For, And I Do Apologize."

"I Just Get So Mad When The Right Distorts My Record, And The Press Doesn't Bother To Call Them On It."

"'Jimmy Carter Didn't Do Enough To Get The Hostages Home From Iran. Jimmy Carter Gave Away The Panama Canal. Jimmy Carter Pardoned The Draft-Dodgers.'"

"But Look At All The Good We Were Able To Do. What About Peacemaking? The Peace Between Israel And Egypt Has Lasted A Heckuva Lot Longer Than Anyone Thought."

"Bill, Did You Hear What I Said?"

"Hmm? Oh, No Jimmy, I Didn't. Sorry. I Was Just Thinkin' About Somethin', Though--You 'Member That Time You Gave Away The Panama Canal?"

The ‘Rabbit Attack’ mentioned here is an actual historical nonevent. ∞ Oxymoronically Yours, T.

Back In Baby’s Arms

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By Smaktakula

This Is An Amazingly Authentic Depiction Of Day-To-Day Life In Haiti.

Fans of third-world despotism are aglow at the ominous tidings of Jean-Claude Duvalier’s return to Haiti after twenty-five years in well-deserved exile.  Duvalier, better known as “Baby Doc,” came to power in 1971 upon the death of his father François, appropriately called “Papa Doc.”  The paradox ruled the country from 1956 until Baby Doc was overthrown by a popular revolt in 1986.

Bad Boys: We Complain To Our Friends How They Hurt Us, But God!--How They Stick In Our Hearts.

In the nearly thirty years that the medically-themed despotic dynasty ruled Haiti, Papa and Baby managed to systematically drain the struggling nation of any single thing which might stem its decent into third-world squalor to a country at which even Hondurans turn up their noses.  But time has a bad memory, and history is just another word for accepted truth–some Haitians have begun to wax nostalgic about the Duvalier regimes.  The “Kims of the Caribbean” may have been repressive, but as the saying goes, they made the trains run on time.*

"Could I Have Missed Something The First Time?"

Many of the same people who a quarter-century ago chased Baby Doc from Haiti were today awaiting Duvalier’s arrival at the airport, filling the air with cries of “Duvalier!  Duvalier!”  A beaming Baby Doc, with his consort Veronique Roy in tow, said he had returned to help the beleaguered nation, which has been beset recently by allegations of electoral fraud and has yet to recover either from last year’s devastating earthquake or from the preceding years of shittiness stretching back as far as anyone can remember.

Several foreign leaders, including US President Barack Obama, expressed concern at the ex-dictator’s return to the nation he had in the past used so poorly.  However, Obama expressed confidence that Haitians “have too much on the ball” to fall prey to a charismatic dictator.

The God Jobu, Seen Here With Haitian Baseball Great Pedro Cerrano, Demands Ever-Greater Quantities Of Rum And Tobacco.

In fact, Baby Doc’s renewed interest in Haiti has set speculators buzzing.  It was long thought that by the time the Duvaliers were driven from Haiti, they had bled from the country everything of value, leaving it a desiccated, lifeless carcass.  But believing the likelihood slim that Baby Doc’s motives for returning to his homeland are even remotely altruistic, some are beginning to wonder if perhaps there’s still something in Haiti worth stealing.

Don't Get Your Hopes Up, It Hasn't Happened Yet.

On Tuesday, Haitian authorities briefly took Baby Doc into custody, where large groups of the tyrant’s supporters gathered, burning tires and shouting threats at current Haitian President, Rene Preval.  The second-generation dictator expressed surprise at the decision, but no real concern.  “I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

*Note: Smaktakula’s use of this cliché is purely the result of laziness.  Promethean Times does not wish to give readers the erroneous impression that Haiti has rail transit, and by extension an infrastructure. ∞T.

Things We Think About: Pictures

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By Smaktakula

We're Pretty Sure You Could Squeeze A Few More Words Out Of This Beauty.

Few aphorisms are as ubiquitous–or contain as much self-evident truth–as  ‘A picture is worth a thousand words,‘ the notion that the camera’s eye catches such a visual abundance that it would take 1,000 words to describe it with any kind of justice.  This time-honored simile has not only survived since its introduction to common speech, but flourished thanks to its apt and easy-to-understand imagery.  The maxim is so well-known that it would not be at all surprising to hear it mouthed by a precocious six-year-old.

Thanks To The Casaba Queen, These Newlyweds Are Relegated Fewer Words In This Photo Than You'll Find In The Sentence "I Do."

But for as much use as it has seen since its probable introduction as a bit of ad copy in the early 20th Century, philosophers have yet to mount a critical study of the proverb’s underlying tenets.  Such an examination can yield heretofore unexpected insights into the nature of the image itself.

What A Tragic Waste. Those Lovely Young Ladies Deserved Their 333 And A Third.

The truth in this saying becomes evident after a limited examination of just one of the many propositions it puts forth.  Given that any single photograph is worth no more and no less than 1,000 words, how are we then to apportion dedicated words to the individual images contained within the photograph?

This Righteous Mullet Acts As A Syntactic Singularity, Sucking Sentences From Everything In Its Presence.

It would be hard to dispute, for example, that the Colosseum of Rome as depicted in a photograph might on its own merits command 1,000 words, so majestic and replete with history is the ancient structure.  That example is easy enough to follow, but lulls the viewer into the erroneous assumption that an image’s word value is a constant.  It is not.

Imagine then the same image of the Colosseum, but now with a huge Weimaraner lustily humping a French poodle in the foreground of the shot.  Wouldn’t the descriptive words necessitated by the inclusion of this comical scene into the otherwise-stolid tableau syphon syntax intended for the Colosseum?

Together The Kids Are Worth About 25 Words.

Unquestionably, the answer is yes: the 1,000 words alloted to a picture must be divided among the image’s component parts, such as in the previous example.  However, in the aforementioned instance we posited two subjects–a historical marvel and copulating canines–of equal interest to the average viewer.  But when we pair items of unequal appeal–say for example the Colosseum of Rome and a 1999 Buick LeSabre, or the randy dogs and Bob Saget, host of America’s Funniest Home Videos–it quickly becomes evident that all images are not created equal.

We Doubt There's A Person Alive Who Wouldn't Sacrifice Words Just To Be In This Photo.

Given that the various images captured within a photograph, digital recording device or artwork are not equally deserving of the object’s finite word supply–certainly the copulating dogs in the previous example rate higher than the irritating Full House has-been–the truth which reveals itself through this insight is as old as the image itself.  If images within a photograph are inherently unequal, then some are simply more important than others.

Try As He Might, Tardsie Can't Hope To Compete With Cat-On-A-Leash.

What does this all mean for you?  The implications are myriad, and at the very least will increase your awareness of the many factors comprising a good–that is, asthetically pleasing–photo.  Accordingly, you now will endeavor to pose for pictures with people less attractive and interesting than yourself, and if an enormous black drag queen dressed up like Brittney Spears circa 2001 wanders into the shot while you’re posing for a picture, you’ll be sure to let that thing of beauty speak for itself by getting your ass out of the shot.

Plain Girls--The Strategy Of Posing With A Less-Attractive Friend Can Be Taken Too Far.

Further Examples Of The Phenomenon:

In A Way, This Is Actually Fairer. The Chick On Our Left Would Only Have Taken Words From The More-Deserving Girls.

This Asswipe Successfully Executes The Very Difficult '1000 Word Steal.'

No Loss Here. We Can All Agree That The Cute Little Critter Deserves The Words.

The Poodle Doesn't Stand A Chance.

Wonder Woman Unwanted

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By Smaktakula

For Real?--A Horse? So What, Are You Fucking Zorro Now? See, This Is Exactly What Everybody's Been Trying To Tell You. It's This Kind Of Bullshit That Makes You A Second-Rater.

Dateless fanboys and Marlboro-sucking bull dykes would seem to make an unlikely pairing.  And yet, these two  disparate groups find themselves united in their despair over the television networks’ collective ambivalence to Wonder Woman’s return to the small screen.  Despite the current spate of popular animated shows featuring superheroes, Wonder Woman just isn’t pushing anyone’s buttons.

Hmm. Ditch The Top And Call Us When You've Lost About Five Pounds. Keep The Rope, Though. The Rope Works.

Wonder Woman may be something of a mystery to readers familiar with “real” superheros such as Superman or Spider-Man.  Created in the 1970s as a showcase for Lynda Carter‘s magnificent rack,* Wonder Woman was a feminine counterpoint to the physical perfection and strength of Superman.  In those dim, hardscrabble days before the ubiquity and staggering variety of internet pornography, horny men would tune in week after week, enduring a succession of moronic plots and ridiculous contrivances such as an invisible jet in which the pilot would always remain clearly visible, in the hopes that just maybe Wonder Woman would jiggle a little as she tied the bad guys up.

Lynda Carter's Ample, Well-Rounded Talents Lent Themselves Readily To The Subject Matter; They Were Firm And Resolute, But Supple Enough To Express A Bountiful Sensitivity.

Nowadays Wonder Woman is only read by quiet, friendless little girls and perhaps the occasional boy too inept to access the low-hanging fruit that is internet porn.  Given this, it’s not terribly surprising that an animated Wonder Woman is finding no takers.

"Here She Comes. Don't Make It Look Like You're Watching! Seriously! She'll See Us, And I'll Crack Up. God, She's Such A Weirdo. I Don't Think She Thinks Anyone Can See Her In That Stupid 'Invisible Plane.' And Have You Seen Her Feet? What Is Wrong With Those--OH HI WW! We Were Just Talking About You!"

This begs the question: Would the heroine have fared better if she were a man?  Given the rampant sexism in the media, it might be easy enough to imagine that a “Wonder Man” might have succeeded where Wonder Woman failed, and been given his own show.

Covers Like This Keep A Sad Franchise Chugging Along.

Not likely.  Actually, there is a Wonder Man, and he is without question the lamest hero of all time.

"Uhmm-m" Is Right. You Suck, Assweasel.

*Oh, is that not how it happened?  Hey–no one cares, nerd.  ∞T.