Christians Still Bitching About Equal Treatment

01 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Religion

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By Smaktakula

Christians--Unless You're Willing To Blow Someone Up Over It, We're Afraid This Doesn't Qualify As Offensive.

The Smithsonian Institution has agreed to withdraw a controversial art piece which Christian groups have labelled offensive.  Some observers are shocked at the speed with which the Smithsonian gave in to the Christians’ demands, especially after it was revealed that the evangelical groups had not made any threats of violence.

“Obviously, the Smithsonian jumped the gun,” said Lydia Blatt, spokesperson for the atheist group GodBGone.  “The Christian groups who supposedly oppose this art installation can’t be bothered to so much as threaten to punch a guard in the nose.  Really, how offended can they be?”

Others deny that the material is at all offensive.  “I regret that some reports about the exhibit have created an impression that the video is intentionally sacrilegious,” said Martin Sullivan, director of the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery, of the video which depicts a crucified Christ covered in ants.

We Had No Idea! Something Must Be Done--And Soon!--About That Offensive Sign.

We must agree with Sullivan when he says that “the artist’s intention was to depict the suffering of an AIDS victim.”  A reasonable person would really have to stretch to imagine that a depiction of the Holy of Holies bathed in carrion-eaters could somehow be offensive.  That the dread disease has become commonly associated with the Christian Savior covered with ants at the moment of His Passion should be common knowledge to just about everybody.

Lastly, Sullivan added, “Look, this is a simple issue of the First Amendment, and needs to be put into perspective.  I mean, it’s not like we threatened to burn a Koran or anything.”

In The Interest Of Fairness, We Have Reluctantly Included This Picture Of The Prophet Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Him).

Meet Tardsie!

30 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Tardsie Has Long Been An Advocate For The Less Fortunate.

Much of the hard work which makes Promethean Times such a magical family experience occurs behind the scenes.  Our small, tight-knit staff is more like a family than a collection of colleagues, with the exception of our copy editor, Arturo, although we are quite fond of him.

If You See Something Fishy In This Picture, You're Right! The Backpack Posing With Mike Meyers Is Actually A Tardsie Impersonator.

At the center of it all is our venerable Editor-In-Chief, Tardsie the Backpack.  Although Tardsie was not the first to helm Promethean Times, it is his vision which guides us today.  When Rodrigo O’Bannon was fired after Promethean Times’ shaky first few months, Tardsie came out of a well-deserved retirement to right the ship.  The impact of his calm leadership on our inexperienced young staff cannot be overstated, and that Promethean Times not only exists but flourishes today is a testament to his influence.

Most People Aren't Aware That Tardsie Was The Stunt-Double For The Runaway Baby Stroller In "The Untouchables."

Tardsie the Backpack spent the majority of his career before coming to Promethean Times as a travel reporter, publishing several travel narratives.  The most famous among these, Travels With Tardsie, catapulted the young backpack to stardom and made him an overnight literary darling.  His out-of-print novel, So Beats The Nylon Heart, met with a warm response, although sales were disappointing.  He worked briefly as an investigative reporter, achieving some success, before being blacklisted for what he calls “political reasons.”

In Dublin With His Pal James Joyce, Of Whom Tardsie Once Said, "He's The Only Irishman I'd Allow In My Home."

Today Tardsie only slightly resembles the brash young backpack who courageously went undercover to expose point-shaving in Special Olympics basketball and who partied with celebrities.  At nine years old, Tardsie has grown contemplative.  Two of this three zippers are long gone, “And the other one’s busted!” he jokes.  “They made me with cheap nylon,” he says, indicating the rupturing seams along his sides.

Tardsie Always Stops At The Memorial When He's In DC. In '67, His Uncle Frederick, A Foot Locker, Was Misplaced In A Saigon Whorehouse, Never To Be Found.

“I don’t regret anything,” Tardsie says.  “Something my dad used to say still resonates with me.  He said ‘Life experiences are like quarters.  You lose both by sitting on the couch.’  I’ve tried to live my life by that.”

Although that advice actually comes from the side of a Jamba Juice cup, we’re sure that the elder Tardsie was indeed a wise bag.

Tardsie Reports On The Italian Elections. He Was Arrested And Briefly Detained For Defacing Berlusconi Campaign Posters.

Tardsie Goes Undercover To Investigate Allegations That Coors Is Made From Horse Piss. It Turns Out It's Supposed To Taste That Way.

Tardsie Successfully Lobbies Pope Benedict XVI To Permit Condom Use Among Rent Boys.

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas. But The Stains Are Permanent.

Identity Of Guy Who Punched Obama Revealed

29 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, News, Sport

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By Smaktakula

"Let Me Be Clear: I Know We Haven't Been As Successful As We Would Like In Our Ongoing Efforts To Demonstrate To The American People Just Why This Is So Very Important. It's Time To Stand Up For Future Generations Of Americans And Say, 'We Have Had Enough With The Violence! We Don't Want Our Children To Have To Suffer A Busted Lip In A Pickup Basketball Game Like We Did.' If We Work Together, And Refuse To Make Excuses, I Believe We Can Make This World A Reality. Having Said That, Mr. Decerega Knows That He Committed A Technical, And That I Should Have Been Allowed Two Tries From The Free Throw Line. That I Was Not Is Really, Really Weak."

By now you’ve heard how President Obama took an elbow in the mouth while playing a pickup basketball game, requiring twelve stitches.  Although the White House did not initially reveal the identity of Obama’s assailant, later reports named the unlucky roughhouser as Rey Decerega.

You’re not alone in asking, “Just who the hell is that?”  For those unfamiliar with Mr. Decerega, he will best be remembered for playing “Paul” on The Wonder Years.

This Dork Dreams Of Growing Up To Be Marilyn Manson And Then Someday Punching The President.

No One Loves Lucy

29 Monday Nov 2010

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the exculpatory piece of evidence which led to the defendant’s successful acquittal on a second-degree murder charge in The People vs. Brown.

When The Jurors Saw This Image, Brown's "The Bitch Had It Coming Defense" No Longer Seemed Quite So Brazen.

Irish PM Admits Leprechaun Scheme ‘A Failure.’

26 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

"Oim Broke? Say Daht Agin Ye Wee Fooker, Un Ye'll Be Feelin' Me Shillelagh Cross Yer Gob."

The recent news that the Irish Republic would be requesting a bailout from the EU came as a shock to many observers.  As recently as ten days ago the government of Brian Cowen had strongly denied the need to take bailout money.

Herein Is Contained The Lifeblood Of The Irish People.

Why the swift reversal?  Was the government lying?  Although it initially appeared that the government was being dishonest and merely stalling for time, Promethean Times has uncovered a memo which suggests that the government in fact had every confidence of being able to extricate itself from its precarious financial position without resorting to a bailout.  The memo details the government’s secret plan for restoring financial well-being to the Emerald Isle: Operation Lucky Charms.

Government Ministers Had A Hard Time Agreeing On A Plan.

According to unnamed sources high in the Irish government, the plan was simple: Leprechauns.  If enough of the wee tricksters could be caught and made to reveal the location of their gold, the Irish financial crisis could be solved internally.  “The PM was mad for the plan,” said the source.

To American Children This Represents Sugary Goodness. To The Irish, It's An Actual Plan.

‘Madness’ may have been the right word for it.  It was soon evident that Operation Lucky Charms was untenable, and on Sunday morning a penitent PM addressed European officials, hat in hand.  When reminded of both his pledge not to ask for bailout money and his asinine plan for raising the funds, the minister said:

“Ah, Jaysus, did Ah say ull daht?  Sairry, lads–Ah wis piss-drunk when Ah teld ye daht.  Me fookin ed urts lahk ta thu bawlin beebee Chroist.  Sure un aw, but we’ll still be needin daht munney.”

When The Beleaguered Government Needed A Sober Head, They Called Upon Poet Shane MacGowan.

For now the Irish people are still in shock.  In pubs, Jameson and Guinness are quaffed without enthusiasm, and fist fights have become desultory, routine affairs.  A sudden, terrible sobriety has gripped the island, one that no amount of the brown can quench; in Ireland the party’s over.  It may be some time before Irish eyes are smiling once more.

"Fookitall, Lads. Oive Hud Me Fill Uh This Shamrock-Choked Hell Hole. Fare Thee Well, Boys--It's Off Ta Amerikay!"

Advent Of America A Pivotal Moment In Turkey History

25 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

Benjamin Franklin Played Many Roles: Inventor, Founding Father and World-Class Skonk. Understandably, He's Not So Much Remembered For The Turkey Thing.

If Founding Father Benjamin Franklin had his way, the role of turkeys in American society might be very different.  In writing a letter to his daughter, Franklin lamented that the eagle, rather than the turkey, was the new symbol of the young nation.

Comparing the turkey to the eagle, Franklin said:

“For the truth the Turkey is in comparison a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America.”

Hell No, Those Aren't Tumors! That's His Natural Beauty.

Had Franklin been more forceful, the turkey might today be the symbol of the United States.  Who knows?  In such a scenario, it’s likely that American’s would no longer find appetizing the thought of a turkey’s charred carcass, and instead might enjoy a traditional bald eagle egg omelette.

"The Very First Thanksgiving Was A Pivotal Moment For My People, One We Could Not Have Foreseen. Looking Back, Perhaps We Should Have Let The Newcomers Starve."

"YA THINK?"

Dudes–keep it down, the game’s on.  Let’s go, Cowboys!

Tonight, A Father And Son Are A Rittre Ress Ronery

24 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

In Another Time, Another Place--This Could Have Been The Kims. Perhaps Then They Wouldn't Be So . . . Ronery.

In the dismal, crumbling concrete tomb that is Pyongyang, there are small but increasingly hopeful signs of life.  In a touching moment of bonding, dying despot Kim Jong-il is reportedly spending quality time with his youngest son and chosen successor, Kim Jong-un.  ‘Lil Kim is said to be teaching ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim about the trials and tribulations of statecraft by launching an unprovoked attack on a South Korean island.

Father And Son: Only A Few Short Feet Separates Them, But They Are Divided By A Chasm As Huge And Unrelenting As Heartbreak.

Said a North Korean ambassador:

“The Great Leader knows that continuity is important to our great nation, and he has every confidence that when the day comes for the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un to take his rightful place as our terrible master, the transition will go smoothly and gloriously.”

He then added:

“Do you have any food?  I would very much like some food.”

Launching a sneak attack against neighboring South Korea is thought to be an excellent bonding opportunity for North Korea’s two most powerful men, as Kims ‘Lil and ‘Lil ‘Lil are both fans of large-scale violence.  According to sources, the elder Kim wants to show his son that the international community will huff and puff, but that as long as the repressive third-world regime dangles the nuclear carrot, will stand by helplessly.

"Seriousry? You're Afraid? Now, Risten To Me You Stuttering Toad--If They Were REARRY Gonna Do Anything, They Woulda Done It Rong Time Ago."*

Sources close to Pyongyang, who agreed to speak to Promethean Times upon conditions of anonymity and after being provided with food, said that Kim is doing more than preparing his son for leadership.  “The Great Leader is hoping that by spending time with the boy, it will bolster his self-esteem.  When the younger Kim is feeling better about himself, we expect to see an end to his Glorious Blossoming,” he said, employing the official euphemism for ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil weight problem.

'Lil 'Lil Kim Awaits Reaction To His New PR Campaign: "Meet The Un-Kim."

*Please read here for more details on ‘Lil Kim’s unusual accent.

Antimatter Discovered!

23 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Science

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By Smaktakula

Honestly, we know fuck all about this “science” they’re teaching the kids in school these days–we’re but simple folk who mind our own business and pay our taxes on time.

But we get the bigger picture.  In the end, what can be said about the discovery of a substance that destroys everything with which it comes in contact?

BAD ASS!

Because Humanity Needed Just One More Way To Annihilate Itself.

New TSA Procedures Hit Stoners Particularly Hard

22 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Tommy Won't Be Flying Any Time Soon. Not In An Airplane, We Mean.

The TSA’s  invasive new search procedure has yet to detect any foreign terrorists, and has ignited the passions of an already-frustrated air traveling public following a videotaped encounter between TSA officials and John Tyner.  Tyner, whose junk was apparently so sensitive that he took great pains to prevent the TSA from coming in contact with it, posted the encounter on the internet where it went viral.  The TSA has been scrambling to downplay the incident and defuse tensions.  But amid the maelstrom of explanation and recrimination, one happy piece of news is going unheard.

As A Pilot, This Gentleman Is Exempt From The Pat Down. Fo Shizzle.

Your next flight will likely be free of cannabis users.  Data suggest that because of the TSA’s strict new policy, most stoners–America’s home-grown menace, are electing not to fly.  In some very rare instances, a few burnouts are attempting to fly without bringing weed to their destination.

Having previously stripped air-travelling potheads of such reliable hiding places as shoes, toiletries, and false-bottomed beverage containers, the TSA’s new requirements take it up a notch.  By paying such meticulous attention the air-traveling public’s groinage, the TSA has effectively removed the last* method stoners have for bringing weed with them to their sundry destinations.

He Will Strike Without Warning Or Pity.

“I don’t think there’s any question that the flying public is safer without marijuana users on airplanes,” said an unnamed TSA official, “Can you imagine what would happen if one of those potheads began to eat another passenger?  That doesn’t sound too groovy to me.”

But marijuana activists disagree.  “Lame,” says Jeremy, a 21 year-old student.  “It’s fascist,” adds fellow student, 22 year-old Gooch, “The people aren’t going to stand for it.  I’m writing a letter to my congressman.  Or I will.  Right now Flight of the Conchords is on, so . . . you know.”

Pro-Marijuana Activists Contend That Visiting America's Shittier Cities Without At Least A Little Cheeba Is Unnecessarily Cruel.

Those burnouts brave enough to travel without Mary Jane are most likely counting on a hookup in their destination city.  Invariably, despite the best policing and preventative measures, a few of these bleary-eyed beatniks will have friends or relatives to arrange a hookup upon their arrival, or possibly kick them down a few nugs.  But the vast majority will reach their destination and be unable to find cheeba in an unfamilliar city.  They will have a really shitty time.

Perhaps then drug abusers will finally get the message. Marijuana ruins lives.

"When A Man Can't Just Crotch A Quarter Sack And Catch His Flight . . . Well, This Ain't The America I Know."

* There is another way, but it’s strictly for the hardcore.

This Day In History: November 22, 1963 CE

22 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Crime, History

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On which Lee Harvey Oswald comes to regret sneaking into the Texas Theater without purchasing a ticket.

"Seriously, Guys--The Movie Wasn't Even That Good. Do You Have To Make A Federal Case Out Of It?"

Quick, somebody–call Ruby.  He’ll know what to do.