Tag Archives: you got a real purty mouth

Clarifying Our Position On Gays In The Military

02 Friday Sep 2011

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By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Many Soldiers Have Served Under Gay Commanders With Great Satisfaction.

With the repeal of the cowardly “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” now at hand, America is finally forced to come to grips with the notion of openly gay people serving in the military.  Our position on homosexuals serving in the military–or in doing anything anyone else does–is as follows:

Won’t ask.  Don’t Care.

Gay Men In The Navy? WHAAAAAA?!?

Seriously, the gender of the person you sleep with is the least interesting thing about you.

A gay couple gets married?  Don’t care.
Lesbians decide to adopt a child?  Don’t care.
A gay man for president? Don’t care.
Gay people upset because Promethean Times pokes fun at them?  Don’t care. ∞T.

TripoliWatch 2011: For The Love Of Condi

26 Friday Aug 2011

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By Smaktakula

All This And A Really Bitchin' Tent. Who Wouldn't Want To Hit It With The Colonel?

For the second time in months, the public has been treated to a TMI-moment courtesy of a sun-addled madman.  First there was the protein-drenched horror of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistani whack-shack, which forced a disgusted audience to envision the leader of the Evil Ones waging his own single-handed jihad upon the one-eyed infidel.  Now, the chaotic events in Libya have elevated the carnal cravings of another evil bastard into public view.  It seems that deranged sand-despot Muammar al-Gaddafi has a crush on a certain American gal.

Gaddafi Unsuccessfully Attempts To Lure Rice Into The Desert To Perform The Ancient Ritual Of The Three-Humped Camel.

Fleeing his compound ahead of blood-crazed rebels, Gaddafi was forced to abandon several objects of deep personal significance.  Among these was a stalker’s Bible in the form of a scrapbook filled with pictures of Stanford professor Condoleezza Rice, whom Gaddafi once called “my darling black African woman.”  The former US Secretary of State, who is very much available, declined to comment.

We're Not Sure Why The Tough, NFL-Loving Former Secretary Of State Is Unmarried At 56. Perhaps She Just Hasn't Met The Right Oil Despot Yet.

What Lies Beneath

02 Tuesday Aug 2011

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By Smaktakula

Man is a terrestrial creature, born to walk upon the earth’s surface.  Although increasingly humans are taking to the water, there remains something primal and terrifying about the awful things which might lie beneath the water’s surface.

The Devil You Know:

A Hideous, Terrifying, And Gaping Pit Of Unquenchable Rapacity.

The Devil You Don’t:

The Same Thing, Most Likely.

 What is seen cannot be unseen. ∞T.

Worst. Lifeguards. Ever.

26 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

A Kitschy Curiosity In Your Fish Tank; An Unspeakable Horror In Your Pool.

There is something uniquely cathartic in the stories of those knuckle-dragging subhumans whose idiocy staggers belief, allowing us to bask in the knowledge that no matter how wretched we are or bereft entirely of common sense, there’s someone out there who makes us look like geniuses. For the insecure morons of the world, the news just gets better–there’s a whole town out there way stupider than you.  Welcome to Fall River, Massachusetts.

They May Not Be Competent, Intelligent Or Physically Fit, But The Special Cops In The FRPD Always Try Real Hard, And That's What Counts.

It was tragic, but hardly unusual when 36-year-old  Marie Joseph drowned last week at a Fall River community pool; drowning deaths claim a jillion lives each year.  However, what sets the mouth-breathing folk of Fall River from rank-and-file morons is the manner in which they dealt with this unpleasant situation.

Try The Blueberry Thai: You'll See The Floating Bodies, But You Just Won't Care.

They didn’t.  Joseph’s corpse floated unnoticed in the punishing summer sun for a full two days until someone realized that 48 hours is a hell of a long time to hold your breath.  It’s unclear why Joseph’s death was not reported by the group with whom she came to the pool, but police caution against a rush to judgement of any kind, admitting that the people of Fall River are drooling lackwits who make the hillbillies from Deliverance seem like the 1960s Sean Connery by comparison, and that it may be some time before answers are forthcoming.

Hey Stinky--When I Say 'Marco,' You Say 'Polo,' Okay? Okay. MARCO! MARCO! Dude, Are You Sure You've Played This Before?

Still, the public should draw confidence from this ghastly event rather than worry.  While it’s certainly astounding that this collection of intellectual houseplants managed to ignore a water-bloated floater for a couple days, it certainly makes the stoned lifeguards at your own community pool seem that much more competent.

The Brown Trout: Even Grosser Than A Bloated Floater.

I Swear, Officer–I Thought The Lady Was Already Dead When I Tried To Have Sex With Her

08 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Seriously, Where Can You Go To Meet Nice Girls Nowadays?

No one will argue that attempting to sexually assault an unconscious woman on a city sidewalk in broad daylight is not only breathtakingly callous, but utterly moronic as well.  Yet apparently, that’s just what one man did.

"Were I To Do It All Again, I Imagine I Would Take Better Care To Ascertain That The Victim Was Truly Dead Before Deciding To Embark Upon A Course Of Molestation."

But what separates 48-year-old ne’er-do-well Melvin L Jackson of Kansas City, Mo, from the rank-and-file masher is the novel excuse he provided to the authorities upon being caught in the act.  The reason for his heinous shenanigans, Jackson assured the police, was because he assumed the helpless woman was dead, adding that sexually assaulting an unconscious woman was “simply disgusting.”

"Hey Girl--You're Kinda Quiet. That's Okay, I Don't Like Talking All That Much."

Headlines 04.28.11

28 Thursday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

Just the headlines, none of the content.  For more Headlines fun, click here and here.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If the US Navy were to rid itself entirely of homosexuality, it would have all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Anchors Aweigh!

Brazil shooting said to be first school massacre in nation’s history ~  Previous Brazilian massacres have been of street children, and thus not newsworthy.

Madden NFL 12 to Make Player Safety a Priority ~Madden 12: Also known as ‘The Lame Edition.’

Blind pooch comes with own guide dog ~ Talk about a useless creature.

Meet the perfect rainforest predator ~ Haven’t they been telling us for years that it’s man?

Act goes awry, human cannonball dies ~ There’s no way anyone could have seen this coming.

Gary Busey endorses Donald Trump for president ~ Gary left a chunk of his brain on the street after a helmetless motorcycle accident.  Still, we thought he was smarter than that.

“My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food!”

Sick grandma dropped in Arctic in botched rescue ~ Okay, we’re actually gonna read this one.

What Makes a Person Ugly? ~ Well, it’s tough to explain, but there’s a reason dogs bark at you in the street and children flee screaming upon your approach.

‘Atlas Shrugged’ finally comes to the screen ~ The audience shrugs.

Small Iowa town ‘lucky’ after big tornado ~ But in the moments before the tornado they were decidedly unlucky.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really an expert, he should know they do that.

Pissing Yourself Is An Acceptable Response.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just wouldn’t shut up about it.

Libya regime accuses Nato of siding with rebels ~ Wasn’t that the whole point?

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ We just don’t know, and we can’t afford to let that happen.

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? ~ It all depends upon what you’re sitting on.

Our Eagerness To Resort To Awful Puns Is Simply Shocking.

Are You Praising Your Child Properly? ~ Do you even know where the little fuckers are right now?

Putin does the rendition-and-secret-jail thing, too ~ We’re not so different after all.

Woman denies biting off testicles ~ So was she a man before she did it?

Spend Valentine’s Day with Enrique Iglesias and a Big Bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant ~ We are so there.

“Nadie Puede Amarte Como Yo Pueda, Smaktakula.”

Caged Skank: LiLo To Jail?

26 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, News

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By Smaktakula

A Still From Lindsay's Solo Mime Performance: 'Fellating A Very Tiny Invisible Man.'

Lawyers for sometime-actress and Flower of American Skankhood Lindsay Lohan plan to file an appeal against a court decision that could send the vapid sexpot to jail for up to 120 days.   The decision comes in response to a parole violation stemming from the actress’ 2007 conviction for drunk driving.

This Magic Talisman Is Considerably More Efficacious When Used By Male Prisoners.

Even if LiLo is forced to serve some or all of her sentence, there is an upside.  Not only have the producers of the upcoming John Gotti biopic graciously allowed the imploding actress to keep her role  in the film as Junior Gotti’s loyal wife, Kim, but jail-time should give LiLo some first-hand experience in prison life, which should give her an edge in future auditions for soft-core Babes Behind Bars exploitation flicks.

Word Is, The Girls On Cellblock D Already Have A Nickname For LiLo: 'The Crimson Clam.'

As Team Lohan appeals Lindsay’s jail time, the actress is preparing to fulfill her 480 hours of community service at a Skid Row woman’s shelter and the LA County Morgue, where she will work as a janitor.  The experience will no doubt be made more enriching for the doomed starlet if she comes to understand that these same two locations are also likely to be the penultimate and terminal stops on her career trajectory.

Making The Most Of Her Time At The LA County Morgue, LiLo Poses With The Corpse Of Charlie Chaplin.

Disney Unveils New Forum For Online Predators

16 Wednesday Mar 2011

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By Smaktakula

"Huh-Hi There Little Buddy! Huh-Who Wants His Picture On A Milk Carton?"

Disney recently announced its purchase of Togetherville, a social networking site aimed at children ages 6-10, a group heretofore excluded from the social phenomenon.  Industry insiders contend that a demand for such services already exists, and reckon that the move will help to peel more pre-teens away from non-internet–and therefore useless–activities such as playing outside or spending time with family and friends.

Wildlife Authorities In Kenya Issued An Amber Alert Today. Citizens Are Advised To Be On The Lookout For A Blue 1980s African Pachyderm.

For a generation completely stymied by the concept of pen pals, Togetherville will be first instance of remote social networking among young children.  Proponents claim that an early introduction to such sites greatly increases a child’s ability to make superficial friendships, which in turn can help her develop life skills such as obsequiousness and insincerity, which will enable her not only to survive, but thrive on her quest toward middle-management.  Likewise, early indications show that parents are pleased with Togetherville’s potential, which in studies has been shown to increase “shut up time” in children by a whopping 75%.

You've Got It Easy. Previous Generations Were Occasionally Forced To Talk To Their Children.

Disney’s announcement is expected to be warmly received by pervert activists, who have long been working to change societal impressions of pedophiles, particularly among children.  The North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) could not be reached for comment, as the majority of its membership is hard at work fabricating online personae.

If It Makes You Feel Better To Know It, This Guy Loves Your Kids At Least As Much As You Do.

Charlie Got No Teefuses!

11 Friday Feb 2011

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By Smaktakula

Charlie's DTs Have Grown So Severe That He Now Believes Himself To Be Stalked By A Miniaturized Neil Armstrong, Who Tries Desperately To Fellate The Falling Star.

Cretinous 24-Hour party person Charlie Sheen has managed to keep his winning smile throughout his myriad legal and personal woes.  However, like so much else in Hollywood, it turns out that Sheen’s pearly whites are fakes, his toothy grin the result of porcelain and Polident.

Just To Clarify: When You Say 'Size Doesn't Matter,' Are You Talking About The Beak Or The Rack?

This  comes straight from the spunky mouth of Kacey Jordan, who spent time with the self-destructing TV personality during his recent 36-hour coke binge.  Jordan, who is delightedly making herself a talk-show sensation at Sheen’s expense, calls herself an adult actress because she is paid to have sex on camera.  However, as she also receives payment for non-filmed sex, she can add ‘whore’ to her list of credits.

Good News For Charlie: "My Dentist Thinks He Can Save Two Of 'Em!"

Jordan says that most of Sheen’s remaining handful of teeth are gold, and that the actor wears a porcelain bridge to prevent young children from screaming when they see him pass.  According to Jordan, the reason for this is clear: “Drugs.”  Jordan is not a doctor, but she has played a naughty nurse on several occasions, giving her the confidence to make this medical diagnosis.

So, That Thing On Your Lip . . .

If these sad revelations contain even a grain of truth, Sheen has fallen even further than anyone could have guessed.  It is too late to wish the former star a normal life, but perhaps not too late to simply hope for his continuing survival.  The upshot of Sheen’s grotesque smile contains at least one positive, however. The actor’s dental woes should serve him well during his next stint in prison, where smooth, slick gums are highly prized.

Shane MacGowan

"Freeing Myself From The Slavery Of The Toothbrush Was The Best Thing I Ever Did. It Hardly Hurts Any More, And The Ladies Don't Mind That I Talk Like I've Got A Mouthful Of Snot."