18 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
apathy, Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, controversy, famous Austrians, Governor Schwarzenegger, illegitimate, infidelity, love child, Maria Shriver, Mr. Universe, NSFW, sexual misconduct, the Governator
"Remember When I Told You I'd Impregnate You Last? I Lied."
Really, we couldn’t care less.
Wanna see what the cleaning lady saw? Click here. Remember, kids–it’s NSFW.
17 Tuesday May 2011
Tags
activists, bad pickup lines, beaver, Chief Executive, Dwight Eisenhower, Helen Keller, I Like Ike, Ike, infidelity, it's good to be the king, President Eisenhower, read my lips, sex, sexual misconduct, skonks, we have no shame whatsoever
Perhaps it is the aphrodisiacal rush of power which causes influential men to stray from their spouses, or it may simply be that the oversexed are compelled strive for positions of power. Either way, the truth is the same: Great men chase a lot of tail.
34th US President Dwight D. Eisenhower was no exception. An inveterate skonk, Ike was constantly on the hunt for beaver. Among his many conquests, however, were some shaming defeats. Perhaps the most ignominious of these was his failed seduction of activist Helen Keller.
Ike Thought He'd Get More Traction From The Line, "You Won't Get Pregnant If You Can't See It Coming."
16 Monday May 2011
Tags
'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', 9/11, al Qaeda, Ann Coulter, beating off, choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, goat-fuckers, internet pornography, Islam, jerking off, masturbation, Navy SEALs, onanism, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, porn, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, self-abuse, spankin' it, spanking the monkey, sticky fingers, Terrorism, whack shack
Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.
The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything. They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth. But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.
Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.
This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn. As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.
Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.
Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel? The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.
A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.
Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium. Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’ Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’
Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.
13 Friday May 2011
Tags
atomic bomb, be sensitive or else, cosplay, earthquake, Enola Gay, fallout, Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant, Gilbert Gottfried, Godzilla, hypersensitivity, Japan, Japanese Nuclear Crisis, Land of the Rising Sun, nuclear disaster, safe to joke about, tsunami
The Biggest Danger Of Joking About A Nuclear Disaster Is The Potential Fallout.
At long last a damaged world is beginning to heal and learn to laugh again. On March 11, a massive earthquake off Japan’s west coast set in motion a calamitous chain of events which would prove among the worst disasters (natural or otherwise) to befall humanity in its long and inglorious history. The devastation caused by the quake was horrific enough, but the resultant tsunami added to the death toll and caused a critical equipment failure and subsequent release of radioactive material at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant. Thousands of people died in the tragedy, and many more remain missing. More still face unknown peril from the radiation leak. For the Japanese, and for anyone who has been affected by this epic tragedy, the pain continues.
In The Last Century, The Japanese Have Weathered innumerable Natural Disasters, Two Nukes And Dozens Of Giant Irradiated Monsters--They Can Take A Joke.
But for the rest of the world, it’s getting better. As radiation levels around the stricken nuclear power plant begin to drop, so too does the level of sensitivity with which observers must approach this disaster. In certain regions, the Japanese disaster is becoming safe for jokes.
Life In Japan Is Slowly Returning To Normal. However, Invariably, Mutations Will Occur.
Potential jokers are cautioned that jokes about this recent tragedy will remain in poor taste for some time, and as such may receive a bad reaction even in so-called ‘safe’ regions. However, unless you’re working for Nintendo, Sony or another Japanese outfit, you’re no longer likely to be fired for telling one.
Timing Is Everyth--"AFLAC!"
The Japanese people, unable to list ‘well-developed sense of humor’ among their many national accomplishments, will most likely never see anything remotely funny about this catastrophe. Still, if any people have proven their resilience in surviving not one, but two previous nuclear disasters, it’s those hardy folk in the Land of the Rising Sun.
Today's Horoscope: A Little Boy Will Bring A Big Surprise.
12 Thursday May 2011
Tags
Barbara Lee, deaf people, evil, Florida, gang signs, hearing-impaired, Helen Keller, Marco Ibanez, sign language, skanks, stabbing, stupid people, Why am I so stupid?
Ibanez Turned A Deaf Ear To Common Sense When He Listened To A Woman With The MethFace.
Bottom-feeding lowlifes Barbara Lee and Marco Ibanez have been arrested after assaulting two men in a Florida nightclub. Along with a third individual who is a minor and has not been named, the pair proved not only their place among the basest forms of life on the planet, but also that they’re incredibly stupid.
O Is For "Oh My God, I Can't Believe What A Fucking Moron You Are."
The trouble started when Lee spotted two men whom she thought were throwing gang signs at her. Lee, who is apparently a wannabe gang floozy in addition to being a veteran barskank, flashed her own set’s signs back at the men. Undaunted, the two men continued with their provocative behavior, seemingly oblivious to Lee’s very overt message.
These Young Men Are Part Of The Community Welcome Association.
Rebuffed by the men in a direct encounter, Lee left the bar, only to return sometime later with Ibanez. The pair, along with their juvenile accomplice, set upon the victims. In the ensuing melee, the victims were stabbed several times, and Lee managed to injure a security guard with a broken champagne bottle. At the very least, however, Lee and Ibanez proved their pride in standing up for their set against provocations by other gang members.
On The Need To Treat The Handicapped With Dignity, Helen Keller Once Said, "Umma Gaaah Urrrrrr Oooooooh Hunna Yaa!"
However, the situation appeared quite differently when it was revealed that the two victims were deaf, and what Lee had interpreted as gang signs was actually just a sign-language conversation between the two men. In light of these details, Lee and Ibanez were shown to be nothing more than sub-moronic assweasels.
A Little Bit Of Sign Language We All Can Appreciate.
11 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
American Indians, Baseball, bingo, blackjack, cockfighting, Dodger Stadium, dodo, drugs, Geronimo, hackers, Harry Reid, headlines, Iran, Jim Carrey, Los Angeles Dodgers, Native Americans, Navy SEALs, nudists, nutmeg, Osama bin Laden, passenger pigeon, pervertry, Robitussin DM, Shania Twain, Texas, untalented stars, whippets, whiskey
In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.
The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.
Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.
Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.
He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*
Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.
Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!
American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture. The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’
Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.
South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.
The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.
Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?
Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.
Turns Out This Is A Fake.
Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?
Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.
Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts? Who gets high from bath salts? Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons. While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.
“I Can Hear My Hair Growing! Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”
10 Tuesday May 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
bad jokes, Ethiopia, fun with stereotypes, Italian Army, Italian Stereotypes, Italy, Naples, orgies, places that suck, prostitution, Rome, Salvation Army, Silvio Berlusconi, treachery
In Every Possible Sense, These Days Are Long Gone.
Jokes like this hoary old chestnut have lately fallen out of favor because they tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. However, some stereotypes exist for a reason, and although generalizations by nature, are often based on solid experience.
So it is with the Italian Army, whose military prowess is mocked worldwide as less intimidating even than the French, Canadian or Kuwaiti Armies. The memory of Rome’s mastery of Western Europe, cemented by scarlet swathes of powerful and highly-disciplined legionnaires , is confined to the dim recesses of history. The Italians’ only significant victory in modern times was in 1936 over Ethiopia, and only after suffering a defeat to the African nation in 1896. Moreover, Italy shares the singular distinction of switching to the winning side in not one, but two World Wars.
Italian Soldiers React To The News Of A Possible Deployment Against The Girl Scouts.
But much-maligned Italian Prime Minister and orgy enthusiast Silvio Berlusconi believes he has at last found a way for the Italian Army to at least partially redeem its sullied reputation. For the second time in recent years, Berlusconi is sending troops to Naples to tackle a recurrent problem: garbage. 170 troops and 73 vehicles are being deployed to clean up the plethora of filth in the festering Italian city.
Critics charge that the PM is cynically shoring up votes ahead of the upcoming elections, as well as deflecting from allegations that he habitually retained the services of a seventeen-year-old Moroccan prostitute. However, vocal members of Berlusconi’s party disagree, denying that the troop deployment was in any way politically motivated. Said one, “Naples is a shithole, and the army needs something to do.”
Promethean Times agrees. Let the rest of the world’s armies fight the rest of the world’s wars; the Italian Army is needed at home. Plus, there’s the sad but undeniable fact that Italian forces couldn’t even take the Salvation Army, let alone a real one.
Cody Managed To Take Out Five Italian Soldiers Before His Parents Were Called To Take Him Home.
09 Monday May 2011
Tags
Avatar, comic books, cosplay, costumes, Dr. Who, drugs, fandom, Hellboy, Lara Croft, living in mom's basement, Lodi, make believe, Pokemon, pregoo porn, rites of childhood, Ron Jeremy, sexless adults, Star Trek, stupid shit little girls like, too fat to wear that, your mother must be very proud
This Is Either Adorable Or Degrading Depending On How You Look At It.
Among the time-honored rites of childhood is playing make-believe. As murderous outlaw cowboys, fairy princesses, dauntless firefighters or myriad other fantastical and heroic roles, children push the boundaries of the possible before the realities of adulthood grind their little spirits to dust. Nine-year old Billy may be destined for a life of junior management at the Lodi Rite-Aid, but for this brief and priceless time he can be a gridiron hero, space cowboy or one of those annoying blue critters from Avatar.
The Glasses And Cleavage Are Nice, But The Lollipop Is The Pièce De Résistance.
Fortunately for the emotionally-stunted and other sexless adults, in 2011, dress-up is not limited to children or the mentally challenged; more and more, people over the age of eleven are embracing the magical world of make-believe. They call it cosplay.
Cosplay, which Wikipedia charitably calls ‘performance art,’ isn’t going away any time soon. Thanks to the proliferation of various fandom conventions–comic books, Star Trek, Dr. Who and their ilk–cosplayers have become emboldened through interaction like-minded individuals, where in ages past they would have been limited to practicing their hobby in dim and lonely basement, their sole audience a badly cracked full-length mirror.
Cosplay Pioneers Such As This One Had To Practice Their Art Behind Closed Doors.
Having crawled out into the sun, it is foolish to believe that these merry masters of make-believe will just as quickly slink back into the faerie forest. In this way cosplay is like illegal drugs or preggo porn, enough people want to do it regardless of the very serious harm which may result, and so the war must turn to one of management rather than eradication.
It is imperative then that we educate the public–and not merely the cosplaying fringe–about engaging in safe make-believe practices, and also about the very real dangers of improper cosplay. The following illustrations should suffice to impart upon even the most casual observer a basic knowledge of the DOs & DON’Ts of this bizarre hobby.
Sadly, Wolverine's Uncanny Powers Of Regeneration Do Not Extend To His Hairline.
Now They Call Her 'Fridge Raider.'
Cody Bunning IS Hellboy--Thanks To Makeup And Mom's Credit Card.
Even If Your Goal Was To Not Look Like A Complete Tool From The Waist Up, We'd Say It's At Best A Partial Success.
You're Doing It Right.
You're Doing It Wrong.
Poor Hygiene Means You Sit Alone.
This Sailor Moon Comes With Her Own Gravitational Field.
"It's The Role I Was Born To Play!"
Clothes Do Nothing For Ron Jeremy.
No, You're Right--She's A Perfectly Lovely Young Lady. We Just Can't Help Being A Little . . . Underwhelmed.
If Someone Hasn't Told You By Now, Profile Is Not Your Best Angle.
She Gets It.
He Doesn't.
Historically We Have Been Opposed To Forced Sterilization. However, We Make Exceptions.
Faisal And His Four Brides Were A Hit At The Islamabad Convention.
Many Lamps Were Rubbed That Day.
You Wouldn't Think Robin The Boy Wonder Could Be Made Any Lamer, But There You Go.
Yeah, The Ladies Have Let Themselves Go. But Copious Quantities Of Alcohol Will Transform The Chick On The Left Into The Supergirl We Met A Few Panels Ago.
We're Reasonably Sure That Jabba The Hutt Didn't Deck Himself Out In An Orange Prison Jumpsuit.
We'd Give You A Lot More To Have Never Put That Awful Image In Our Heads.
Jody Isn't Just A Rabid Sailor Moon Fan--She's Actually Got Rabies.
Cosplay Isn't Just For Normals. Special Kids Like To Dress Up, Too.
Your Mothers Must Be Very Proud.
KILL IT! DO IT NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KILL THAT UNHOLY THING!
It Takes Creativity, Design Skill And A Sense Of Fun. Dignity Not Necessary.
Marry Us.
08 Sunday May 2011
Posted in Culture
STILL MISS YOU.
06 Friday May 2011
Tags
child brides, cultural backwater, foolish choices, Gypsies, pederast, pervert, places that suck, regrets, Rifca Stanescu, Romany, statutory rape, they're called Romany 'cause they're always roamin' around, wasted life
Lots Of People Throw Away Their Lives As Teenagers; At Least She Did It For Love.
Twenty-three-year-old Rifca Stanescu had mixed emotions regarding the coming of her first grandson. Of course she was happy for her twelve-year-old daughter on the birth of her child, but couldn’t help wishing that the girl had waited a few years before following Rifca’s example and throwing her life down the toilet.*
National Geographic's Hard-Hitting Profile Of Romany Culture.
Stanescu can take some satisfaction that her daughter will grow up in an age where she is able to make her own choices, such as the decision to marry her husband at age 10. Rifca Stanescu didn’t get to make that choice. When at 11, her family refused the marriage proposal of her future husband’s family, she was kidnapped and raped, which in Romany (the universally beloved folk formerly known as the Gypsies) culture, apparently means you’re married.
Mishka Is Just Thrilled That She Still Fits Into This Old Thing.
Promethean Times 