Category Archives: Crime

Headlines 10.16.12

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Look, We Tried, But She Refused To Take It Seriously. She Kept Wanting To Play Charades.

 

In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles

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9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.

Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.

Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.

‎A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.

Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?

Because Sexualizing Children Boosts Their Self-Esteem!

Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion? 

Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.

Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.

Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.

Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’

Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.

With No Running Water, Improper Sanitation And Those People, It’s A Safe Bet Everything Smells A Little Bit Like Baked Crotch.

How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.

Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.

Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.

Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.

Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”

Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.

Wait–Isn’t She The One Who Likes To Get Peed On? Shit. We Just Hope The Baby’s Mammalian.

Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.

T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?

Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.

Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…

Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.

Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.

No, We Said It WASN’T Because Of That!

Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.

Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?

LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.

Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!

5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!

“No, If You Say You’re My Son, I Believe You. It’s Just That I Figured You’d Be Better Looking.”

Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.

***

In which we indulge both our love of talking out of our asses and our shameful laziness by commenting on the headlines while leaving the actual reading to you.

***

Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?

Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”

Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.

What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.

Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”

“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”

Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.

I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.

Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.

Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.

Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.

How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.

Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!

Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.

For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.

Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.

The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.

Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.

Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.

Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.

‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.

Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.

Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.

Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.

Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.

And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.

How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!

Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.

Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.

North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.

Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.

Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.

***

Have A Great Weekend, Folks!

Let’s Try Hating Someone New

22 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Politics, Religion

≈ 25 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Please. That Is SO 1998.

Humanity is no stranger to hate. Throughout its long and bloody history, Homo sapiens has always managed to find a worthwhile reason not just to oppose another group’s political and social agenda, but to despise and fear the individuals who comprise the group. For every enmity there is an excuse–politics, the Indian-Pakistani conflict over Kashmir; sexual identity, as in various parts of Africa or North Korea where homosexuality is too greatly feared as an abstract concept to even be acknowledged; religion, such as the recent attempts by Islamists to slaughter heretics and infidels worldwide to prepare for the coming of the New Caliphate; and so many, many more.

You Wouldn’t Be The First To Try. However, They’re Surprisingly Resilient.

However, instead of hating gays, black people or what-have-you, what if we came up with an entirely new group of people to fear and mistrust–one previously tolerated by society? The members of the newly-despised group would necessarily have to represent a smallish selection of the overall population–hating on a majority population is ultimately counterproductive (see South Africa, Apartheid and). Ideally, the new group of disadvantaged citizens would be made promptly aware of their denigrated status, so that they could appreciate the inevitable hate-crimes perpetrated against them, and not believe them to be random acts of violence.

No, This Is MY Lawn, And It Isn’t Going To Mow Itself.

We’d like to suggest a few exciting possibilities for the new object of societal derision, each of which should be perfectly suitable. A great place to start is with groups displaying interests or tastes outside the societal norm, like beekeepers, guys with comb-overs or fans of Rascal Flatts. Disparaging any or all of these groups will add more panels to the ever-growing quilt that is contemporary bigotry.

We Understand That Most Of These ‘People’ Are Born With Vestigial Tails.

Even if soon-to-be-vilified group has yet to be determined, Promethean Times has already devised a great new epithet for the eventual choice: Digleroes (singular, Diglero). Try this:  Just look at those fucking digleroes. Ever since they moved into the neighborhood, everything stinks like honey.

What A Fucking Diglero.

Look, we’re not bigoted, it’s just that we’ve got OUR neighborhoods, and the digs have THEIR neighborhoods.  ∞ T.

In Defense Of Vladimir Putin

18 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 44 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Just As Good Policies Sometimes Have Adverse And Unforeseen Consequences, Autocratic Douchebaggery Can Occasionally Have A Silver Lining.

In attempting to muzzle criticism of his increasingly despotic rule, Russia’s President, with the cheerful assistance of the authoritarian kleptocracy’s kangaroo courts, has perversely managed to shatter a long-standing barrier to free speech. By jailing for two years a punk band for the crime of hooliganism, the humorless tyrant has thrust the words P***y Riot¹ into polite discussion.

To Be Fair, This Is What Passes For Polite Discussion Nowadays.

True to our innovative and inclusive nature, the United States has for many years been home to a number of vaginally-themed musical acts:

***

P***y Riot: It Doesn’t Have To Be Vulgar.

¹ You may be compelled to ask if, as we claim, the term is now truly acceptable for polite use, and given that we think nothing of throwing around even more offensive terms like ‘cunt’ or ‘jizz-goblin,’ why we would censor ourselves here? We did it for YOU. You like it when we keep you on your toes. ∞ T.

Best of Headlines II

01 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, History, News

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By Smaktakula

In which we present Part II of the Lost Headlines.

We’ll Try Not To Let It Go To Waste.

Look, if you want to waste your time reading the articles, more power to you. As for us, the headlines tell us all we really need to know.

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The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ It’s like we told our folks, by taking the necessary steps now, they can help THEMSELVES to ensure that their final years are not marked by the joyless isolation of the state-funded nursing home. A real good start would be to peel off some of that ‘retirement nest egg’ savings to cover Smaktakula’s gambling debts. We could use a little ‘walking around’ money, too.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s not the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins are the short-bus riders of aquatic mammals–how are those chirping attention-whores supposed to clear the Strait of Hormuz when they can’t even seem to avoid tuna nets?

Why Do You Suppose We Stick Them In Round Pools With No Sharp Edges?

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, Sally So-Sad–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation and pain. It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the guys you least suspect.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression ~ It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Europe’s debt could sink US ~ This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US would be obliged to pay.

“Just As Your Corpses Once Stunk Up Our Beautiful Beaches, So Shall We Be Forever Stinky To You.”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

The Cheapest People in America ~ Ha! Yeah, that’s who we were thinking, too. But no, it’s the Scots, apparently.

Online dating? Why no one wants you ~ Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Some Peaches Scream When You Eat ‘Em.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ Sir, you’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident. We thought someone had already told you. Sorry.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny. ~ The secret is tapeworms.

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a very bad boy.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

True Story: Many Years Ago, French Soldiers Stole Most Of The Few Remaining Possessions Owned By Tardsie’s Widowed Grandmother And Her Three Young Children. But In A Way, They Had Been Asking For It, Too.

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ Frankly, we just don’t know, and we can’t afford to take that chance.

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? — Damn! This is comedy gold!

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, Americans have seen a marked uptick in tidy homes, reversing a quarter-century trend.

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Whore.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against “The Greatest Generation,” go for the hip–it’s their weak spot.

Don’t Let The Boring Stories About His Grandchildren Fool You. He’d Kill You And Your Family In A Heartbeat If Given Half The Chance.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

Cable car rear-ended near San Francisco Union Square ~ If you’re looking to get rear-ended, that’s a pretty good place for it.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~Don’t be naive, fool! Whitey’s influence goes all the way to the top!

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ You’re talking about chickens, right? Please tell us you’re talking about chickens.

Unfortunately, We’re Pretty Sure That’s Pork.

The next headlines you see will be all new!

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: We Like It Cold

12 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Crime, History

≈ 22 Comments

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By Tardsie

Much Like Making Out With A Barnyard Animal, Taking Revenge One Time Is Okay If Nobody Finds Out.

In general, I don’t think much of revenge. I believe it poisons the soul, slowly devouring whomever is possessed by it. It’s better to forgive and move on. I believe in legal (and to some degree societal) retribution–actions have their consequences, after all–but on an individual basis I think it’s much better to exclude the hated thing from your life altogether, rather than invest so much of yourself into opposing it.

Having said that, the following–necessarily vague–tale is of the other kind, of a vengeance so pure and sweet that it stands in stark relief to other examples, and a reminder that some rules, after all, are meant to be broken. Much, unfortunately, has been left out of the following tale. Were I to tell it all, it would be a study in redaction.

We’ve Said Too Much Already.

Many years ago, a group of friends was helpless to prevent the degradation and near ruin of a thing which they all held very dear, made far more humiliating by the capricious manner in which it was carried out. To the individuals who perpetrated this atrocity, it wasn’t anything more than a gag.

The friends were more than angry–they were devastated. Nor were they of one mind. Most of them, boiling with caustic, unspent hurt wanted to strike back right away, to smash and break and return the hurt that had been foisted on them. Others preferred to wait a while until after the haze of red emotion had cleared, and a more rational response could be crafted. No one, however, suggested that the matter be forgotten.

Okay, That’s An Excellent Point. But Isn’t He Also Supposed To Help Those Who Help Themselves?

Cooler heads prevailed, and for a time it seemed as though the matter had been forgotten. The folks responsible for the ugliness certainly forgot. For a time, all was well in the land.

Here’s the thing about revenge, though. If you’re going to do it, for God’s sake–do it right. The object of revenge is not justice, the taking of an eye for an eye. Revenge is punishment and ruin, a disproportionate response to remind that sorry fucker that all you wanted was to be left alone and in doing wrong by you he made the single poorest decision in his wasted and joyless life. Revenge is kicking him in the nuts again and again and again.

So the friends waited two whole years to strike. They planned. They watched. They didn’t forget. And when the time came, they struck. Folks, I can’t tell you much more than that, but believe me when I tell you figuratively that somebody got fucked. Hard. And in the eye.

Tell Us What It Tastes Like! Is It Yummy? Do You Like It? Yeah, You Like it.

And for years afterward they rarely spoke about it privately, and never publicly until one of them went and blabbed about it on the internet. Which will probably earn him a serious talking-to. You think I’m kidding.

There’s the cliché, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold.’ Maybe that’s true, but this memory keeps me warm at night.

Revenge: Don’t Do It! Unless You’re Prepared To Do It Right.

Idahopeless

03 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Potatoes, Perverts & Polygamists. That’s Pretty Much It.

Some time ago,  komonews.com ran a pictorial featuring the mugshots of smiling Idahoans. Promethean Times is pleased to present the best of this cavalcade of mongoloids, in some cases with a little of the backstory.

This Is What Results When A Man Takes A Doberman Pincer As His Bride.

Damn! A Medium-Sized Child Could Squeeze Through That Thing.

Returns To Normal If Properly Hydrated.

No Stranger To Prison, This Guy Already Has A Swastika Tattooed On His Ass.

“HUURRRRR!”

“There Are Those Who Say It Is Impossible To Eat A QP Of Medical Grade Weed In The Time It Takes A State Trooper To Approach Your Car, But I Am Living Proof That It Can Be Done.”

“Man, I Was Just A Passenger In The Car. So Why Am I Being Charged With Possession With Intent To Deal? Oh, Right. Fuck Idaho!”

No Need To Pity Her. This Is What Passes For Sexy In Idaho.

Regardless Of What She Did, This One Needs To Be Locked Away For A Long Time. Just Look At Her–She’s Got Crazy-Eyes!

With Some Folks, Everything About Them Screams “CHILD MOLESTER.”

Where Have We Seen That Before?

When The Bieber Madness Makes It To The Backwoods, Is There Any Hope For America?

“It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin, Or Else It Gets The Hose Again.”

Sometimes Celebrities Get Busted:

Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, Stoner Detective.

Methamphetamine Has Not Treated Miss Piggy Kindly.

Chris Farley: Not Dead After All. Prefers To Be Called Christine.

***

Luckily For You, Horses Are Not Considered Culpable For Crimes In Idaho. Now Trot On Home, Little Filly.

This Day In History: June 28, 1914 CE

28 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Crime, History, Politics

≈ 25 Comments

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On which, in an unlikely Balkan backwater, a Serbian crazyman formally inaugurates the 20th Century with a bang.

The Assassination Of  The Austro-Hungarian Crown Prince Would Later Exert A Measure Of Influence Upon The Course Of World History When, In The Early Years Of The 21st Century, A Bunch Of Scottish Dudes Decided ‘Franz Ferdinand’ Would Be A Really Sweet Name For A Band.

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***

If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est 
Pro patria mori.
Wilfred Owen (1893-1918)

***

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: I Am A Spammer, Apparently

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Crime

≈ 25 Comments

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By Tardsie

Right Now We Kinda Think You Suck Purple Donkey Dicks.

Hi. We put out a great post this morning, Headlines 06.20.12. Apparently, because the post contained several links. Word Press shut Promethean Times down as a spam site. Although they have belatedly recognized their error, please join us in extending a great big FUCK YOU to the good folks at Word Press.

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Legal Education

13 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Crime, Stupidity

≈ 12 Comments

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By Smaktakula

It Can Sometimes Be Helpful To Remember That Not Every Situation Is An Ideal Forum For Your Rapier-Keen Wit.

Sometimes, when Johnny Law pulls over an out-of-state driver for one of a variety of offenses such as speeding or gun-running, he likes to preface his presentation of the offense by professing ignorance to the legality of the issue in the arrestee’s home state. For example, “Son, I don’t know how they do things in Arizona, but hit and run is against the law in California.”*

The outcome of the encounter will largely be determined by the first words out of your mouth. It is therefore a bad idea to say, “Really? You didn’t know that striking something with your vehicle and then fleeing the scene is illegal pretty much everywhere in the world that they have laws?”

The officer will not appreciate your helpfulness.

*This profession of ignorance is the verbatim statement of a police officer in Yosemite, California.  ∞T.