By Smaktakula

We Get It--Thinkin' Makes Your Head Hurt Somethin' Turrible.

It’s no secret that the delightful antics of the very stupid are one of the reasons we get up in the morning. Morons make the world go ’round, and at the very least give us something entertaining to watch until the terrible day when the great lizards burst forth from Mt. Rainier to seal the Earth’s doom.

In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy this troika of merry tales exploring the many facets of sub-moronic douchebaggery!

Night of the Hell Cow

This Is What Passes For Fun In Ohio.

Cincinnati, Ohio is a city which has suffered mightily over the years. Situated on the north bank of the Ohio River, the city was once a thriving industrial powerhouse, but today the Queen City is an echoing, haunted shadow of its former self, with the population having fallen nearly in half since 1960. Despite the legions of Cincinnatians fleeing the city like fleas from a rat’s cooling carcass, Cincy still manages to remain among the top 20 most dangerous cities in America. Remembered primarily for a really awful concert and for being the first US city to host race-riots in the 21st Century, and whose most famous citizen is the fictional newshound Les Nessman, Cincinnati’s remaining shell-shocked citizens have become accustomed to a host of degradations.

Inventive Cincinnatian Michelle Allen tried to do something a little different. Like so many of her fellow denizens of the Queen City, Allen aspired to further rend the delicate skein of civilization which binds the troubled city, and not only that, but to do it with panache.  Any liquored-up idiot, she reasoned, could twice encounter the police after urinating on a neighbor’s porch and then chasing frightened children into traffic. Determined not to be just ‘anybody,’ Allen performed this terrifying Margot Kidder impersonation while dressed as a hideous cow-woman.

Really, This Has Just As Much Merit As Almost Any Other Form Of Performance Art.

***

Rubbing Kids the Wrong Way

Who Wouldn't Want This Friendly Fellow All Up In His Or Her Personal Space?

The line between sports fandom and dangerous lunacy has always been precariously thin, nevermore so than in today’s fractured, tribal climate. Sherwin Shayegan, known to the public as the ‘Piggyback Bandit’, not only crosses that line, but stomps its face against the curb until it’s a bleeding, mewling mess begging for the numbing embrace of sweet, sweet death.

Despite the cute nickname, Shayegan is a creepo of the first order. Shayegan recently gained notoriety after he was banned from a number of high schools for a string of athletic-related indecencies. The Piggyback Bandit, it turns out, isn’t just an athletic supporter, but also a fan of both frottage and of the firm, sweaty backsides of high school athletes. During athletic events, Shayegan surprises both the audience and the athletes alike with a little something extra to take home with them, dashing from the crowd and leaping upon the players’ backs with all the joy and fervor of a leg-humping dog.

"itsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostover"

***

Deranged Dachshund’s Drug-Addled Death a Definite Downer

"Y'know,I've Found That If I Ingest Copious Quantities Of Psychedelics, Bands Like Phish And Dave Matthews Don't Sound So Much Like Ass Set To A Tune."

It’s not just humans who enjoy experimenting with dangerous, mind-altering substances. Everybody knows what happens when you give your cat catnip, and holding a dog down while you blow marijuana smoke in its face is a time-honored rite of young adulthood. In college, Smaktakula’s beloved pet rat was a bold psychonaut and an ongoing experiment in the thresholds of the chemical experience.¹ Critters like to party, too.

But just like people, some animals can’t handle their drugs. Just one of these such creatures was Oscar the long-haired dachshund. Oscar had apparently been pestering Nicholas Modrich and Jamie Hughes, the fry-loving burnouts with whom he shared an apartment, to share some of their hoard of hallucinogens, until the couple finally relented, dosing the pestering pooch. As an irritating little freakdog, it would be assumed that the tiny creature would be prepared for an eight-hour mind fuck and Technicolor light show.² Sadly, this appears not to be the case, and little Oscar completely lost his shit. Although the evening was highlighted by a madcap, semi-nude chase through the hallucinatory streets of Snellville, Georgia, the evening ended in tragedy when the frenzied dog encountered a moving vehicle that was most definitely not an hallucination.

Drugs Aren't As Much Of A Threat To Society As Are Some Of The Assholes Who Take Them.

¹ I miss you still, Short Bus. Old friend–this cold, wicked world was never made for one so beautiful as you. < S.

² This becomes all the more remarkable when it is remembered that dogs cannot see color. ∞ T.