06 Monday Jun 2011
Posted in History
Tags
1944, Allies, Axis, D Day, France, Germany, June 6, Normandy Invasion, Normandy Landing, Suprise!, this day in history, United States, World War II, WWII
On which allied forces make an unexpected visit to France.
"Scheisse!"
02 Thursday Jun 2011
Proving that you don’t have to be a great city to anchor the nation’s most important state, Sacramento manages to remain relevant despite an almost total lack of merit. California’s capital city squats like a persistent sore upon the confluence of the American and Sacramento Rivers at the northern end of the Central Valley, the Golden State’s bountiful backwater.
In a moment of unwarranted optimism, the city fathers attempted rather generously to imbue the flyblown stinkpit with a sense of the divine by naming it for the Eucharist. A century-and-a-half later, the dividend of this faith has been an NBA franchise and a spectacularly inept legislature.
It's Telling That The City Is Often Abbreviated As 'SAC.'
30 Monday May 2011
Tags
French's mustard, holidays, Memorial Day, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, true meanings of holidays
On which some grilled and others shopped.
He Honors America's Fallen By Refusing To Use French's Mustard On The Dogs.
17 Tuesday May 2011
Tags
activists, bad pickup lines, beaver, Chief Executive, Dwight Eisenhower, Helen Keller, I Like Ike, Ike, infidelity, it's good to be the king, President Eisenhower, read my lips, sex, sexual misconduct, skonks, we have no shame whatsoever
Perhaps it is the aphrodisiacal rush of power which causes influential men to stray from their spouses, or it may simply be that the oversexed are compelled strive for positions of power. Either way, the truth is the same: Great men chase a lot of tail.
34th US President Dwight D. Eisenhower was no exception. An inveterate skonk, Ike was constantly on the hunt for beaver. Among his many conquests, however, were some shaming defeats. Perhaps the most ignominious of these was his failed seduction of activist Helen Keller.
Ike Thought He'd Get More Traction From The Line, "You Won't Get Pregnant If You Can't See It Coming."
13 Friday May 2011
Tags
atomic bomb, be sensitive or else, cosplay, earthquake, Enola Gay, fallout, Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant, Gilbert Gottfried, Godzilla, hypersensitivity, Japan, Japanese Nuclear Crisis, Land of the Rising Sun, nuclear disaster, safe to joke about, tsunami
The Biggest Danger Of Joking About A Nuclear Disaster Is The Potential Fallout.
At long last a damaged world is beginning to heal and learn to laugh again. On March 11, a massive earthquake off Japan’s west coast set in motion a calamitous chain of events which would prove among the worst disasters (natural or otherwise) to befall humanity in its long and inglorious history. The devastation caused by the quake was horrific enough, but the resultant tsunami added to the death toll and caused a critical equipment failure and subsequent release of radioactive material at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant. Thousands of people died in the tragedy, and many more remain missing. More still face unknown peril from the radiation leak. For the Japanese, and for anyone who has been affected by this epic tragedy, the pain continues.
In The Last Century, The Japanese Have Weathered innumerable Natural Disasters, Two Nukes And Dozens Of Giant Irradiated Monsters--They Can Take A Joke.
But for the rest of the world, it’s getting better. As radiation levels around the stricken nuclear power plant begin to drop, so too does the level of sensitivity with which observers must approach this disaster. In certain regions, the Japanese disaster is becoming safe for jokes.
Life In Japan Is Slowly Returning To Normal. However, Invariably, Mutations Will Occur.
Potential jokers are cautioned that jokes about this recent tragedy will remain in poor taste for some time, and as such may receive a bad reaction even in so-called ‘safe’ regions. However, unless you’re working for Nintendo, Sony or another Japanese outfit, you’re no longer likely to be fired for telling one.
Timing Is Everyth--"AFLAC!"
The Japanese people, unable to list ‘well-developed sense of humor’ among their many national accomplishments, will most likely never see anything remotely funny about this catastrophe. Still, if any people have proven their resilience in surviving not one, but two previous nuclear disasters, it’s those hardy folk in the Land of the Rising Sun.
Today's Horoscope: A Little Boy Will Bring A Big Surprise.
05 Thursday May 2011
Tags
Andy Bell, Dipsy, Dora the Explorer, Erasure, gay, homosexuality, insipid entertainment, kiddie shows, Laa-Laa, Liberace, Po, Rev. Jerry Falwell, Scooby Doo, stupidity, Teletubbies, television characters, the myriad facets of gayness, Tinky Winky
Jerry Has Moved On. He Now Wants To Know Why Dora The Explorer Doesn't Like Boys.
Years ago the Reverend Jerry Falwell became a laughingstock when he declared that children’s television characters, the Teletubbies, were gay. Although the insipidly adorable British monstrosities, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po have been turning children’s brains to mush for almost fifteen years, there is no evidence to suggest that exposure to the Teletubbies has any effect on a child’s future sexuality.
Not Even Remotely Homosexual, But Still Gayer Than Liberace Draped In A Rainbow Flag And Eating An Ice Cream Cone While Riding A Sequin-Studded Unicorn.
Through the gulf of years, however, it becomes plain that the buffoonish Bible-thumper wasn’t altogether wrong. At the heart of the issue is the word ‘gay’ with its myriad connotations.
Secretly Knows He Will Never Reach The Swishy Benchmark Set By Tinky Winky.
It is ludicrous to think that four sexless, half-witted mutant hamsters could be homosexual (or any kind of sexual). Despite this, it is apparent to even the most casual observer that the Teletubbies are in fact massively gay.
Fred From Scooby Doo: Gay In EVERY Sense Of The Word.
03 Tuesday May 2011
Tags
Alexei Nikolaevich, Beatrice of York, blue-bloods, Britain's Royal Family, Buckingham Palace, childish sexual innuendo, congenital afflictions, European Royalty, France, Great Britain, hemophilia, HURRR!, incest, Kate Middleton, King Ralph, Louis XIV, Nicholas II, Prince Andrew, Prince William, Princess Beatrice, Royal Disease, Royal weddings, Royals, royaltard, Sarah Ferguson, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, spokescow, United Kingdom, Weight Watchers
Actually, There Are Far Worse Congenital Defects Associated With Inbreeding Than Simply Being A Moronic Sack Of Manatee Blubber.
Most people know that in days of yore European royalty was a tight-knit club. So tight-knit, in fact, that intermarriages among the various royal families increasingly began to produce malignant progeny who were deformities, idiots and stillbirths. History is replete with whispered tales of these chromosomally-challenged royals, persisting even into the 20th with the feeble Alexei Nikolaevich, son of Nicholas II, the last Czar of Russia. Hemophilia was so pronounced among previous generations of elites, that it earned itself the magisterial nickname, ‘The Royal Disease.’
Progeny Of Incestuous Unions Are Often Afflicted With Rodent-Like Features.
But few realize that the royal curse persists to this day. It is a topic the press ignores by silent consensus, and one about which the public prudently remains uninquisitive. Perhaps this is because, even for people living outside the United Kingdom, the British Royal Family epitomizes dignity, nobility and class; the thought of the Earl of Twaddle-upon-Bumheath flinging his own poo at the Duchess of Queef is almost too much to bear.
Wait Your Turn, Lads!--At Least Four Royals Would Have To Die Before Either Of These Young Lords Can Hope To Assume The Throne.
Recently, the world was forced to acknowledge the Royal Secret when, at the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, photographers snapped several pictures of one of these blue-blood unfortunates. Historically, Buckingham Palace has kept a tight rein on these high-born embarrassments, but the Palace has liberalized considerably in recent years. This is thought to be the reason that at least one of these creatures was allowed to not only be seen in public, but to be photographed.
The Hereditary Deformities Of French Monarch Louis XIV Spawned A Cruel National Nickname.
The royaltard in question is Beatrice of York, daughter of former Weight Watchers spokescow and attempted royal access merchant Sarah Ferguson and her former husband, the all-around cad Prince Andrew. Beatrice appears in several wedding photos, sporting a unique piece of headgear she designed herself. When asked the significance of the bizarre accoutrement, Beatrice replied with a series of soft mewling sounds.
"Mummy! I'm A Teletubby!"
"HUURRRRR!"
"I'm Beetruth! Hooray For Beetruth!"
Oh God, That Is SO Cute! Smaktakula Had A Hamster That Used To Do That. He Just Couldn't Get The Concept Of Glass.
Beatrice, Sweetie--Don't Lie To Mummy. Now, I'll Ask You Just Once More: Did You Smear Nectar In Your Hair Again?
"Loo Loo Loo, You Can't See Me! Loo Loo Loo!"
02 Monday May 2011
Tags
9/11, bin Laden dead, dicks, Ding Dong the Dick is Dead!, famous martyrs, Glee, Islam, Osama bin Laden, stupid shit little girls like, The Great Satan, United States of America
REVEALED! The fatal missteps which led first to the betrayal and then slaying by US forces of 9/11 mastermind and all-around-dick Osama bin Laden.
"Ibrahim, Buddy--It's Totally Awesome Of You To Let Me Crash Here, Man. A Cave Gets Old Really Quick."
"It's Cool, Osama--Mi Casa Es Tu Casa!"
"You Are Too Kind, My Friend. I Know This Has Been A Hardship For You. I've Made A Pretty Big Mess With All My Stuff, Plus, The Great Satan Would Pay A King's Ransom To Know Where I Am Staying Tonight."
"Let The Americans Spend Their Riches In Hell. I Do Not Want Their Filthy Blood Money. I Would Not Betray You For All The Riches In The World."
"I Know This, My Friend. You've Done More For Me Than I Can Repay. Speaking Of Which, Did You Want Me To Throw You A Couple Bucks For All The Food I Ate?"
"No Need, My Friend, No Need! It's Nice Just To Have You Here. By The Way, Did You See A VHS Cassette Lying Around? I've Missed The Last Two Episodes Of My Favorite Show, And Want To Watch It Tonight."
Thanks For Being Cool About The Food, Man--I'm Pretty Broke Anyway. And Did The VHS Cassette Say 'GLEE' On It? 'Cause I'm Pretty Sure I Taped Over It To Make A Message To The Crusaders. Sorry, Bro--My Bad. Still, We All Do What We Can For The Struggle, Right?"
25 Monday Apr 2011
Tags
1915, Allies, ANZAC, Anzac Day, April 25th, Australia, Australian and New Zealand Army Corps, Central Powers, Dardanelles, First Lord of the Admiralty, First World War, Gallipoli, military disasters, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, New Zealand, Pyrrhic victories, that trick never works, the Great War, this day in history, Triple Alliance, Triple Entente, Turkey, Winston Churchill, World War One, WWI
On which Allied forces begin the assault on the Gallipoli Peninsula which First Lord of the Admiralty, Winston Churchill, believes will knock Turkey from the war and lay bare the soft underbelly of the Central Powers.
"Nope."
18 Monday Apr 2011
Tags
Cuba, dictators, economic reforms, Fidel Castro, impoverished third-world backwater, places that suck, political reforms, Raul Castro, term limits
Raul: Nicer Than Fidel, And Much Better-Groomed.
Since assuming the presidency of Cuba in 2006 (officially gaining the office in 2008), Raul Castro has imbued the 52-year-old Castro Regime with a much-needed air of youth and liberality The younger Castro has implemented some modest economic reforms, as well as investigated lifting travel restrictions for citizens of the crumbling, island backwater. On Saturday, Castro shocked the world by lamenting the dearth of young leadership in Cuba, and proposing term limits for all Cuban politicians, including himself.
While this was welcome news around most of the world, with leaders effusive in their praise for the incipiently octogenary dictator, not quite everyone is so sanguine about Castro’s motives. Some attribute Castro’s motives to dark machinations, seeing behind Raul’s actions the palsied and liver-spotted hand of his older brother.
Promethean Times 