18 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
apathy, Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, controversy, famous Austrians, Governor Schwarzenegger, illegitimate, infidelity, love child, Maria Shriver, Mr. Universe, NSFW, sexual misconduct, the Governator
"Remember When I Told You I'd Impregnate You Last? I Lied."
Really, we couldn’t care less.
Wanna see what the cleaning lady saw? Click here. Remember, kids–it’s NSFW.
18 Monday Apr 2011
Tags
Barack Obama, California, double standards, George W. Bush, GOP, hypersensitivity, hypocrisy, imaginary racism, Klansmen, opossums, Orange County, racism, Republican Party, Republicans, Sarah Palin, sexism
OC Republicans Enjoying Their Semi-Annual Retreat At Dana Point.
Just when America thinks it has a handle on its deep-seated racism, something comes along to stir the flames. Marilyn Davenport, a member of the Orange County Republican Committee, recently circulated an email with a picture of President Obama’s face superimposed on an ape’s body.
Although Davenport ridiculously claims not to have considered the President’s race when sending out this bigoted email, most commentators were able to see through her diaphanous veil of chicanery. To call this ugly attack on the President–and all African-Americans–anything other than racism is to deny reality.
Although the Republicans will no doubt attempt to throw Davenport under the bus by stripping her of her position, it’s highly probable that many share Davenport’s pernicious views. Although many Republicans voted for Obama in 2008, making the United States the first Western nation to elect a black man as Chief Executive, it’s likely they voted this way so that they could finally take their hate to a national level.
This Is The Kind Of Sexist Filth That--Oh Wait--Is That Sarah Palin? Funny Stuff!
Here’s a simple primer, with several acceptable images and one which is offensive:
This Is Not Racist.
Nor This.
Still Not Racist.
Cool.
This Is Fine.
This One Is Also Okay.
Completely Free Of Racial Animus.
Acceptable.
This Is Simply Vile. We Are So Sorry You Had To See This.
Is It Ever Okay To Compare A Person Or Group Of People To A Family Of Opossums? No, Not For Any Particular Reason--We Were Just Wondering.
21 Monday Feb 2011
Tags
11th President, California, conqueror tongue, damned if you do, Disneyland, from sea to shining sea, imperialism, Irvine, James Knox Polk, Los Angeles, manifest destiny, Mexican-American War, Mexico, Mickey Mouse, obscure historical figures, obscure political figures, one-termer by choice, one-termers, President Polk, promises, strong-arm, United States of America, Were you still using that?
"Hola, Amigos. I've Got An Offer You Won't Be Able To Refuse. Which Is Good, 'Cause I Don't Ask Twice."
Democrat James K. Polk, 11th President of the United States, is among the least-known of US Chief Executives, despite one of the most consequential presidencies in the nation’s history. Unlike most politicians then and now, Polk kept his promises to the nation.
Polk promised the American People two things:
1) He would serve only one term in office.
2) He would steal California from Mexico.
Polk was as good as his word, snatching California* and some lesser territory from Mexico, and then dying quietly a few months after his term in office ended.
James Knox Polk may be long-forgotten, but his image is mirrored in the smiling face of Mickey Mouse, his austere sensibilities captured in the sterile, earth-toned conformity of Irvine row-houses, his voice remembered whenever Los Angeles is pronounced LAHS ANJELUS. James Polk may have been relegated to historical obscurity, but his light shines on.
¿Le Siguen Utilizando Esto? Our Bad.
10 Thursday Feb 2011
Tags
baby daddy, Bill Clinton, California, celebriskanks, Celebrity Death Watch, completely preventable deaths, Crime, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, grand theft, implosion, legal issues, LiLo, LiLophiles, Lindsay Lohan, Lohan arrested, lost girls, Marilyn Monroe, skankery, skanks, theft, tweakers, untalented stars, Venice
Isn't This The Chick Who Accosted Us Outside Of 7-11 And Wouldn't Shut Up About Her "Tweaker Piece Of Shit Baby Daddy" Until We Gave Her A Quarter?
The date for Lindsay Lohan’s final, pathetic implosion remains unknown, but draws inexorably closer. Throughout her short life, the Flower of American Skankhood has faced a number of legal difficulties both domestically and abroad, but can now add a new charge to her growing rap sheet: grand theft.
LiLo is accused of boosting a $2,500 necklace from a California Jewelry store in January, less than a month after ending her most recent rehab stay. Although the sticky-fingered celebriskank had not heretofore been charged with theft, she is suspected in several recent clothing-related heists.
Having snorted the bulk of her dwindling resources, Lohan may not be able to enlist the services of a top-flight lawyer, and it’s unlikely that she’ll receive a helping hand from Hollywood with her star so rapidly on the wane. However, some LiLophiles see a silver lining in the event that Lohan is compelled to do jail time. Every day that the drug-addled has-been spends behind bars is another day that she cheats the untimely and degrading death which awaits her.
Unlike Marilyn Monroe, LiLo Lacks Talent And Has Never Banged A President. Although One Of Those Is Within Lindsay's Reach, Bill Clinton Will Never Be Able To Make Her Talented.
01 Tuesday Feb 2011
Tags
academic, bad jokes, brilliant dirty weirdos, Cal State Northridge, California, Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, formalism, immaturity, improper behavior, infinite sets, mathematicians, mathematics, misanthropes, New York, paraphilia, pee, PISS, pissed off, pranks, Professor Piss, revenge, Star Trek, Tihomir Petrov, urinating in public, urination as revenge, urine, urolangia, water sports
Please Refrain From Pissing In Public. What Country Are You From Anyway--New York?
If brilliant dirty weirdo Grigori Perelman has taught us anything about the deliciously enigmatic lives of mathematicians, it is that they are brilliant, dirty and weird. Some recent academic antics from California State University at Northridge handily corroborate this analysis.
"In Old Days, If Professor Wantink Revenge, He Leave Dead Fish In Enemy's Desk Over Weekend. Now Things Gettink So Crazy."
Enter Tihomir Petrov. Although Petrov’s possible brilliance has yet to be determined, the mathematics professor has most certainly proven himself a dirty weirdo. He also apparently likes water sports.
"Urinate! But If Your Tits Were Bigger, You'd Be A Ten! Hahahahahahahahah! People Don't Really Like Me."
Petrov had a grudge against another professor in the math department. Although the exact nature of the disagreement is not known, it is likely among the typical grievances which erupt occasionally among mathematicians, such as the merits of formalism, the validity of infinite set theory or the relative leadership merits of Captains Picard and Kirk.
Whatever the reasons behind the feud, Petrov chose an unusual way of expressing his displeasure: he pissed all over his colleague’s door. Apparently, the loveless misanthrope enjoyed relieving himself in this way so much that he did it a few more times.
These Two Nobel Laureates Find Themselves The Receiving End Of The Old "Crap On The Walls" Prank.
However, urine-soaked carpet has a peculiar odor, and was quickly noticed. School officials secretly installed video cameras at the site of the urine attacks, and before long Professor Piss was captured on film draining the main vein.
Petrov faces two misdemeanors for his December shenanigans, as well as possible action from the University. Whether Petrov is exonerated for his actions or as seems more likely, falls victim to a justice system ignorant of the specialized and insular rites of academic mathematics, the disgusting madman has certainly taken academic pranksmanship to new and exciting levels.
"I'm Doin' #1 Right Now!"
15 Wednesday Dec 2010
Tags
Agent Cody Banks, Arturo Beltran Leyva, badassery, badassery as a legal defense, bling, border, California, cocaine, Cuernacava, drugs, Edgar Jimenez Lugo, El Negro, El Ponchis, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, hitboy, hitman, Julio Padilla, La Barbie, Mexican Army, Mexican drug cartel, Mexico, narcos, pussy, San Diego, Tijuana, United States of America, Yolanda Lugo Jimenez
Most young boys dream of growing up to do great things: being a starship captain, secret agent or superhero. In Mexico, one pubescent boy did more than just dream; laughing in the face of the naysayers, he did what the world thought impossible for a lad of his tender years. He became a hitman.
"Yo Tengo Mi Mente En Mi Dinero Y Mi Dinero En Mi Mente."
Edgar Jimenez Lugo claims to have participated in no fewer than four beheadings as a wetworks man for a Mexican cartel. Known until his arrest only as ‘El Ponchis,’ the hitboy is currently under extra security for his protection.
Lugo reportedly worked for Julio “El Negro” Padilla, a narco whom Lugo’s sister, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, was said to bang. Padilla, along with other rising narcos such as La Barbie, came to power in the vacuum created by the killing of Arturo Beltrán Leyva.
No Es Bueno: It Turns Out That Being A Narco's Lady Entails More Than Just Carats and Coke.
Lugo came to worldwide attention after he and several other youths were identified in a YouTube video claiming to be hired killers for the cartels. Despite an intensive search lasting several months, the boy was not apprehended until December, when Mexican soldiers arrested him along with Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo at the airport in Cuernavaca.
Authorities claim the pair were bound for Tijuana, where they planned to cross the border to see their mother (by some accounts stepmother), Yolanda Lugo Jiménez in San Diego. Thanks to the careless pair, Mrs. Jiménez and her husband are now in the process of being deported.
That's Right, Barbie: He's Younger, More Famous And Has A Better Nickname.
However, no such fate awaits the boy assassin–if anything, El Ponchis may be imported: he is American-born. Furthermore, the boy claims that his actions on behalf of the cartel were due to coercion, and that he had been drugged.
Whether Lugo is the maniacal beast that cable news would have us believe, or as is equally likely, if he’s just a big-talking kid who’s gotten in way over his head by giving the media a story it’s only too happy to digest without critical thought, he’s given young boys worldwide a benchmark toward which to aspire. For that reason, we hope young Edgar Jimenez Lugo is found Not Guilty For Reasons Of Badassery.
Pussy.
02 Thursday Dec 2010
Tags
Atlantis, Austria, Barnaby Jones, Burkina Faso, California, cartographers, cartography lobby, Ceylon, Colombo, Colombo not Columbo, Cylons, Djibouti, geographic shenanigans, Haiti, mythical lands, Oz, Rand McNally, Sri Lanka, Tamil Tigers, Tamils, Tibet
Much Like Oz Or Atlantis, This Mythical Land Has Inspired The Imagination For Over 50 Years.
In recent months, international news has been replete with stories about Sri Lanka, from the hot and cold civil war between the government and the Tamil Tigers which ravished the tiny nation from 1983 to 2009, to the uneasy peace with exists today. Thought not a cause célèbre like Tibet or Haiti, Sri Lanka is a region of concern for geopolitical strategists. A simple internet search for Sri Lanka reveals thousands upon thousands of hits. But does such a country even exist?
Cartographers say it does. And on nothing more than the word of these men and women, millions of maps are made to their specifications. Promethean Times questions the wisdom of placing so much power in the hands of such a small cadre. It doesn’t take a genius to see that one or two corrupt cartographers could easily introduce a fake country to the world and elude discovery for years or even decades.
Damn! Tamil Chicks Don’t Mess Around.
Ask yourself these questions:
All three questions are easy enough to answer: Of course not! Beginning to see the picture? The folks at Rand McNally hope you don’t.
Colombo, Sri Lanka. Because “Barnaby Jones, Sri Lanka” Was Already Taken.
Promethean Times tracked down a man living in Southern California who claims to be from Sri Lanka. “YS,” as we’ll call him (YS’s name has been withheld not to protect his anonymity, but to spare us the trouble of writing the 341 characters required for the task), agreed to a telephone interview with Promethean Times:
PT: And your contention is that Sri Lanka exists?
YS: (Laughs) Well, of course it exists. I was born there.
PT: Hmm. Yes, you told us that. What would you say if we told you we’d acquired a copy of your birth certificate?
YS: You have my birth certificate? That seems strange and unnecessary. Why would you–
PT: (Interrupting) And do you know what it says under ‘Country of Birth?’
YS: (Continuing) . . . just find it really odd that you would do that. I thought this was supposed–
PT: Do you know what it says? You must since it’s your birth certificate. Do you want to know?
YS: Tell me.
PT: Do you?
YS: What the hell is wrong with you, anyw–
PT: (Interrupting) It says ‘Ceylon.’
YS: Well, yes–obviously. But in 1972, Ceylon was renamed Sri Lanka.
PT: Mr. S, you keep adding to your story. First you were born in Sri Lanka, next you’re saying, ‘Oops, my mistake–I wasn’t born in Sri Lanka after all. It was a magical land called Cylon.’
YS: Ceylon.
PT: And then Cylon and Sri Lanka are suddenly the same thing! (Laughs) Frankly, Mr. S–Having repeatedly shown yourself averse to the truth, why should we believe anything you say?
YS: I don’t really care what you thi–
PT: (Interrupting) And what do you say to those critics who contend that people from ‘Sri Lanka’ are just Indians with darker tans?
YS: What? Who the hell says that? Who?
PT: Us, mostly.
YS: Don’t call here again. (Line goes dead)
Why do ‘Sri Lankans’ get so defensive when asked if theirs is a real country? Perhaps because it’s not? Until we’re prepared to ask the hard questions of the cartography lobby, we may never know the answer.
How Do We Know That Some Of These Other Wacky ‘Countries’–Burkina Faso, Djibouti, Austria–Even Exist?
26 Tuesday Oct 2010
Tags
actors, Actors' Equity Union, autoerotic asphyxiation, California, Canada, Cousin Eddie, crazy people, cretinous bumbler, David Carradine, Dennis Quaid, Evi Quaid, Heath Ledger, jackassery, Kingpin, National Lampoon's Vacation, political asylum, Randall Rudy Quaid, Randy Quaid, restraining order, Santa Barbara, scandal, Seattle, star whackers
Most Observers Are Amazed That Quaid Somehow Managed To Maintain A Three-Decade Career Before The Inevitable Implosion.
Is there a secret cabal of assassins intent on taking down Hollywood one actor at a time? Cretinous bumbler Randy Quaid and his wife Evi think so. Fearing such a shadow force, the Quaids appeared before Canada’s Immigration and Refugee Board seeking asylum.
Much Like The Lovable Inbred Who Made Him Famous, Quaid Is Said To Be A Tiresome Houseguest.
Quaid, best known for playing half-wits and morons in films like National Lampoon’s Vacation and Kingpin, is said to be afraid for his life. Quaid claims that eight of his friends, including actors Heath Ledger and David Carradine, have died in the past few years at the hands of a mysterious organization known only as ‘Star Whackers.’ While Carradine’s sad demise from autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand does indicate a propensity for whacking, Heath Ledger is believed to have died from an overdose of prescription pills.
Carradine: An Altogether Different Kind Of Star Whacker.
Despite the official findings and conventional wisdom, Quaid maintains that these deaths are not suicides or tragic accident. In a handwritten note shown to the press by the Quaids’ attorney, the formerly-bankable star wrote:
Yes we are requesting asylum from Hollywood ‘STAR WHACKERS.’
Quaid Calls His Upcoming Star Wars Role 'The Part I Was Born To Play': Jar-Jar Kenobi, Obi Wan's Slower, Fatter And Far Less Talented Older Brother.
The Quaids are no strangers to scandal. Randy managed to get himself banned for life from the Actors’ Equity Union and fined $81,000 for his treatment of castmates in a Seattle production of Lone Star Love. Although she was not involved with the production, Evi Quaid’s threatening behavior toward the cast earned her a restraining order.
It remains to be seen whether Canadian authorities will seriously entertain the Quaids’ request for asylum. The choice cannot be an easy one. Canada must balance her proud tradition of sheltering the politically oppressed with the knowledge that if the Quaids are allowed refuge in the country, the formerly pristine nation will be one step closer to becoming the USA.
Randy Quaid Has Four Inches Of Height Over Younger Brother Dennis, But That's About It.
09 Thursday Sep 2010
Posted in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, People, Places
Tags
acid, California, drugs, Golden State, hallucinogens, LSD, marijuana legalization, Meg, Meg 2010, Meg Griffin, reefer, spice rack highs, sweet lady meg, sweet sweet cheeba, the Spice, weed
When Promethean Times first commented on the phenomenon of kids using nutmeg as a recreational hallucinogen (see Sweet Lady Meg), we believed–perhaps foolishly–that these were isolated incidents, and that the so-called ‘nutmeg epidemic’ would evaporate, as with Jenkem or the choking game. It appears we were wrong.
Just as psychedelic art celebrated the mindspike chromaticism of LSD and reefer’s mellow high in the late 1960s, today’s nutmeg subculture is working hard to get more users on the Spice. California has been particularly hard hit by this pernicious scourge.
California Will Say No To Pot, But Yes To Meg.
03 Friday Sep 2010
Tags
California, Christine Shreeve Hubbs, coming of age, Coo Coo Ca-Choo!, cougars, double standards, hot sex offenders, molestation, Mrs. Robinson, nice job Mom, sex and firearms, sexual predators, skankery, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, The Graduate
"Mrs. Robinson, You're Trying To Molest Me."
Livermore, California: A local skank faces 67 charges related to sexual acts with teenage boys. Christine Shreeve Hubbs, 42, is said to have engaged in the scandalous behavior with two junior high school students, both in her home as well as in a motel.
Hubbs is also facing several charges relating to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. She is alleged to have purchased BB guns for her two victims, and allowed them to perform “drive-bys” from the back of her moving Hummer. The victims also add that Hubbs plied them with gift cards and cash.
And Here's To You, Ms. Hubbs. Adolescent Boys Love You More Than You Will Ever Know. Coo Coo Ca-Choo!
As with all good things, this idyllic life of sex, easy cash and firearms was destined to end. One of the boys was careless with his cell phone, which contained nude pictures of Hubbs. The boy’s snooping mother found the pictures and called the police, who brought this charming coming-of-age story to an abrupt and frustrating end.
How events might have unfolded differently if the boy’s father had stumbled across the phone before his mother can only be conjectured.
Because Opportunities Like This Come Along So Frequently When You're Fourteen.
Promethean Times 