Tag Archives: fauxhawks

The Comb-Over

04 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

True, The Bitches Love This Guy No Matter How He Wears His Hair. You, However, Aren't So Lucky.

Having shitty hair at some point in your life is a cherished rite of passage. Almost everyone has been the victim of a bad haircut (Smaktakula’s freshman-year experience with the butchers at SuperCuts earned him the delightful nicknames ‘Baby Huey’ and Q-Tip for a time), and just as many have intentionally made themselves the laughingstock of the next generation all for the sake of passing fashion. We understand–sometimes it seems as if your fauxhawk will remain forever timeless.

FUCK SUPERCUTS!

There are also much less forgivable examples of follicle faux pas, like the mullet, dreads for blond dudes or straight hair on black men. It becomes far more difficult to regard these fashion sins as harmless affectations when–unlike the hightop, beehive or perms for white ladies, which have thankfully gone the way of the dodo–these hair-don’ts cling tenaciously to life despite the transient nature of fashion. Although we have heretofore not highlighted this cancer of men’s fashion, the comb-over remains every bit as insidious as any other scissor-inspired abortion.

Or, Why Not Paste Your Naked Scalp With The Dark, Viscous Snot Of An Emphysema Patient? Same Effect.

The hairstyle’s complete unsuitability to the modern age is no less glaring than the glossy skull ‘hidden’ beneath a stringy swatch of greasy strands. We remind bald men that if they truly want to look like assholes, there are many ways to do it that don’t also involve looking like a twitchy child molester. It will take just one good gust of wind to rip that wispy growth from your oily pate, the lank locks left flapping in the wind like the tail of a kite, revealing not only the wearer’s unpleasantly asymmetrical baldness but also his dishonesty.

For Those Dudes Whose Male-Pattern Baldness Thwarts Their Efforts To Grow A Mullet--We Proudly Present 'The Skullet.'

Happily, as men rediscover the knack of pretending to embrace their receding hairlines and hairless spots by shaving themselves bald,¹ the comb-over seems to be gradually fading away. New scientific innovations in transplant procedures as well as topical hair-growth ointments have joined forces with a rising acceptance of baldness to edge the comb-over toward oblivion. But like polio, this icky, deceptive hairstyle is still with us, and until it is nothing but a bad memory, the danger of looking like a complete asshole is still very real.

No, No--By All Means Keep It. Not Only Does It Cleverly Disguise Your Baldness, But Your Uncanny Resemblance To A Cockatoo Helps People Forget That You're Actually A Turd.

¹Shorter gentlemen (5’9 and under) may additionally wish to grow a goatee. ∞ T.

Preservin’ That Hillbilly Heritage

14 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Nobody Said Being A Parent Would Be Easy. In Fairness, Though--It Was Clearly Implied. We're Not Blaming Anyone, We're Just Saying That In A Very Real Way It's Your Fault.

We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”

Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?

You've Been Preparing For Your Financial Future--But What About Your Child's Future?

On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?

Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.

'Cause, Hey--Sometimes You Shit Your Levi's, Too.

Return Of Not What You Were Looking For?

02 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Tardsie

There's No Such Thing As A 'Typical" Promethean Times Reader. The Only Common Thread Is Degeneracy.

Not everyone who visits Promethean Times finds us on purpose. Here we respond to some of the bizarre, dangerous and downright foul search terms by which you found us. Enjoy!

***

fags love straight men ~ It’s true, but just between us, you’ll be safe.

sexual watersports ~ What’s that, like having sex on water-skis? We’ll just look that up and…OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

ugly guy with mullet ~ We’re gonna need more details.

drunken irish beaver ~ We challenge you to show us an Irish beaver who’s not drunk.

"Aw Jaysus, Mikey, Me Ould Son--Oim So Fookin' Pissed Oi Cannah Remember--Iz'tah Wrang Soide Ah Dah Rood Daht We Droive Ahn, Oir Dah Roight Soide?"

hugh hefner creepy ~ Really? You don’t think it’s normal for a doddering, incontinent old man to make pretend sex with silicate vixens?

a is for addict ~ b is for bum. This is fun!

in squalor recluse no friends ~ Sounds tough, buddy! Hopefully we were able to make you smile.

is pauly shore allergic to anything? ~ We like the way you think. Tell us you’ve got a lunch date with Pauly.

courtney love breast feeding at Wendys ~ Surely even the most rabid breast-feeding advocate must concede that such a thing is neither natural nor beautiful; it is an abomination.

Apparently, She Lactates Pure Methadone.

emmanuael lewis 2011 ~ Skonk 4 LIFE, Yo!

confusion in 84 year old ~ That’s bound to happen.

does prince william call camella “mom”  — What do you think, retard?

tina fey dead ~ She’s NOT dead. We told you that.

history of black dicks ~ Well, you might want to start with Robert Mugabe, and Barry Bonds was supposed to be a real jerk…you meant ‘black penii,’ didn’t you?

Being A Nice Guy Doesn't Matter Until You Lose Your Ability To Hit.

what did billy carter do ~ Besides embarrass a nation, you mean?

who is prince william’s soulmate? ~ ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim. We also told you that.

cons to a temporary marriage ~ Same as the cons for a permanent marriage: your spouse.

did you invite jesus ~  Hells yeah! He’s doing Jell-O shots.

"The Bad News Is That We're Out Of Wine. The Good News Is We've Got All This Bottled Water, And I Know This Party Trick..."

bert and ernie gay ~ You’d think that Bert would be the ‘man,’ but no, it’s Ernie.

opinions on abortion — We’ve got enough opinions already.

how to thank an asshole for an asshole action — Flush?

paul pierce eyes–And now we suppose that Paul is blind.

percentage of men who climax on their partner’s face ~ It’s about 45%. The percentage who do it a second time? 0%.

Seriously, It's Not Sexy.

was macht pauly shore heute —Nichts

korean down syndrome — They call it “Up” syndrome in South Korea.  In the glorious paradise of North Korea there are no people with disabilities whatsoever.  They’re eaten.

promethean times ~ Hello!

cooking in your sauna ~ It can be done, but it’s not advised.

spiders living in tongue; spider lays eggs on face ~ Not true, sadly, but it’s nice to have something to believe in.

worst place to live in north korea ~ Well, it’s all pretty bad, but we heard that the intersection of Chigun and 47th Avenue is pretty rough.

westboro name origin ~ We told you a little about that.

"So I'm Thinking Of Starting A Church..."

white girls in black sororities ~ Actually, black sororities are in many ways like our rules for eating in bed: No Crackers!

lady mullet ~ It’s called a femullet, and it’s hella sexy.

naked nicknames ~ Smaktakula’s is ‘Tiny.’

crazy russian mathmatition ~ You’re talking about our pal, Grigori!

after the taliban took control of afghanistan, respect for women went downhill from there.  they are treate . . . ~ Sounds like you already know how the story comes out. What do you need us for?

fellatrix blog ~ We read it for a while, but found it hard to swallow.

fake testicles ~ Check these out!

baseball is big in China ~ Nothing’s all that big in China, except for Yao Ming, and he had to come to the States for a life worth a damn.

Oh Yeah, And This Monstrosity.

pedobear jackpot ~ It’s the first ten rows of a Justin Bieber show.

statistics ballet homosexuality ~ It’s somewhere around 95% (plus or minus 5%).

douchebaggery now a hairstyle ~ It has been for a while. Check this out. And this.

marijuana rectal cancer ~ It’s the sole cause, man!

dread hippy porn–We dread it too.

Yeah, We Know That Razors Weren't So Big In The Age Of Aquarius, But In The Age Of Hygiene, They Are. And Take A Shower While You're At It!

poems about mullets ~ I think that I shall never see/A Dude as hideous and sad as thee/Please cover your head with a paper bag/’Cause your freaky hair makes you look like a…doofus.

russell brand douchebag–We prefer Massengill brand douchebag.

appalachian pot-– The strain is created by cross-breeding it with itself.

i hate pork ~ Smaktakula does too.

camilla parker bolwes pretty–Pretty what?

Usually Powerful Men Like Prince Charles Opt To "Go Pretty" In Second Marriages.

victims of the stupid gene ~ More numerous than sand on the beach.

following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in  the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the  guy who owns the most horses.

nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?

was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.

dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.

vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.

showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.

people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.

Anti-Drug PSA's Would Be So Much More Effective If This Guy Was The Poster-Boy.

fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.

testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.

condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.

tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?

im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.

fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?

"Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive! Heh! Tuna? Anyone? Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive!..You People Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit You On The Ass!"

***

Check out how these creepos found us!

Mullets Are Slightly Less Heinous Than Fauxhawks

06 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Blame His Parents, His Community Or Even TV, But Leave The Kid Alone. He Don't Know No Better.

The mullet and the fauxhawk, two uniquely odious hairstyles which perch like fur gargoyles atop less-discriminating pates throughout the United States and Europe, are not often mentioned in the same breath.  The two could not be more dissimilar, and yet they are united in pileous* ignominy.  Along with the frizzy perm, which fortunately has grown rare in recent decades, these hideous head sculptures comprise a hairy Axis of Eww.

The mullet is by far the oldest of the three, its origins described in hushed tales of a land in a time long past, where the rivers were said to flow not with water but Corona, and where every spring the methamphetamine trees would bloom.

Briefly in vogue during the 1980s, the mullet has been returned to its ancestral practitioners, typically fringy rednecks or sweaty European soccer stars.

Happily, Like Small Pox And Polio Before It, The Frizzy Perm Is Quietly Going Away.

By comparison, the fauxhawk is a new arrival on the fashion scene.  Lacking the balls to be a mohawk, but still too douchey for polite company, the fauxhawk is a coward’s hairstyle.  The fauxhawk’s relative newness coupled with a lack of media access among the poor and the stupid allows the hairstyle to spread in places ignorant to its deleterious effect upon the community.

Achtung, Mullet! Elvis Presley Brought Black Music To A Wider Audience, And The Beatles Introduced Us To Crazy Drugs And Beautiful Ideas. Bono's Gift Was A Hairstyle.

Fauxhawk apologists claim this limited acceptance as evidence of the hairstyle’s superiority over the mullet, reckoning it to be the lesser of two evils.  As with the medical community’s resistance to Joseph Lister’s insistence on  sterile medical equipment, simply because someone is unaware of the fauxhawk’s insipidity does not exempt them from same.  Not only are these wearers of the fauxhawk wallowing blissfully in their own suckitude, but their ignorance renders them into objects of pity.

Britney Sports A Thoroughly Modern Femullet For Her Appearance At The Festival For Traditional Southern Culture, Folk Art And Rasslin'.

People with mullets, or mulletards, may be mouth-breathing cretins of dubious lineage, but they have  a semblance of honor.  To the rest of the world a mullet may simply say “dipwad,” but to the mulletard it is epic poetry.  By choosing to wear a mullet, a man is making a proud statement that runs the gamut of human experience, from I know where I was when Dale Jr. died to My heart’s a little achy-breaky right now, thanks so much for askin’ and everything in between.

We Have A Question For You, Inexplicably Famous Person: What Sound Do You Hear When Water Collides With Vinegar? (*DOUCHE*)

*We have included the definition lest readers erroneously believe, as did our spell check, that we meant to write ‘piteous.’  In fact we did not.

Mullah v. Mullet

09 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Human Rights, Humor, Islam, Middle East, Religion, World Affairs

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Taking a momentary respite from its real mission (an ill-defined cocktail consisting mostly of breathlessly awaiting the advent of the New Caliphate and hating the Jews), the Iranian Mullahcracy has struck a blow in the war against bad taste.  Iran has banned the mullet and other offensive Western hairstyles.

"Seriously, You Guys Should Be Thanking Me That Someone Finally Had The Courage To Say, 'Hey, You Look Like An Asshole With That Haircut.' I Mean, Geez, I Wouldn't Wish That Rat's Nest On A Filthy Jew."

Wali bin Gud, Iranian Minister of Enlightenment and Cultural Decency, had this to say:

“It is incorrect to say that we have banned offensive Western hairstyles.  Rather, as in the case of the mullet and fauxhawk, two particularly odious hairstyles, we have banned offensive hairstyles which happen to be Western.”

Some observers  were surprised to see Iran working toward the common good.  However, Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at World Think Center For World Thought, says that Iran is not as altruistic as they might appear.

“You have to remember that everybody must do their thing,”  explains the learned academian, “Get their freak on, as it were.  In this way, national bodies are no different than individuals.   Iran’s thing is, and always has been, repression.  Aside from swap-meet style rugs, thuggish jackbootery is perhaps their best-known national product.”

Festering To Bring About The Mulletocracy By Any Means Necessary, Y’All.

Reaction to the mullet ban has not been universally positive.  FIFA called it “Repression of the cruelest kind.  When you strip a man of his mullet, you strip him also of his very soul.”

Look At This Picture: How Can Hating This Douche Be Wrong?

The Iranian National Soccer Team was said to be particularly disconsolate.

Can You Do Something About Comb-Overs?  Iran bans the mullet | World news | The Guardian.

Smaktakula