Author Archives: Smaktakula

Wife Believes Husband’s STD Came From Insect Bite

10 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Proper Genital Health Is Essential To A Happy Marriage.

Among the best ways to destroy your marriage, giving your wife a sexually transmitted disease has to lie near the top.  When researcher Brian Foy passed on a dose of the Zika virus to his wife, Joy, it seemed quite likely that the biologist had pissed his marriage away.

Malaria, The Plague And Now This. Can There Be Any Doubt That Mosquitoes Suck Ass?

However, it takes brains to be a scientist, and the wily Foy wasn’t going down without a fight.  Subscribing to the Hitlerian adage that the people will believe a big lie easier than a small one,  Foy decided to turn into the skid and give his wife the whopper of all-time excuses.

For Some STDs, This Is The Only Known Treatment.

Perhaps remembering the urban legend about contracting herpes from a toilet seat, Foy found himself spinning a yarn about acquiring the embarrassing ailment from infected African mosquitos during a trip to Senegal, all the while professing his steadfast fidelity.  Going the extra mile, he convinced a few of his buddies at the Centers for Disease Control to play along with the gag.

The Likely Culprit (Artist's Conception).

Amazingly, Joy bought the whole thing, and the happy couple is once more adrift on a sea of wedded bliss.  Meanwhile, across America, men are struggling mightily to think of an everyday occurrence that might occasion giving their wives a case of the clap.

Wishes He'd Heard This Story A Few Weeks Ago.

Ferret Legging

09 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by in Culture, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Ferret Legging: Simultaneously A Sport And A Crime Against Nature.

Before the promulgation of worthwhile American sports such as baseball, football, basketball or hockey*, non-Americans were forced to content themselves with quasi-sports like croquet, Duck-Duck-Goose and soccer.  It’s no surprise then that these diversion-starved people began to invent their own increasingly bizarre ‘sports.’

However, the Yorkshire miners who in the 1970s invented ferret legging, also known as ferret-down-trousers, had no such excuse.  Although week after week, color television offered far safer and more athletically meritorious sports, the Yorkies designed a contest that very often results in bleeding genitals.

Why Not Try Tetherball? It's Just As Lame, But You Can Wear White Pants.

The rules of ferret legging are simple: participants trap ferrets in their pants and then see who can endure the longest as the needle-toothed weasels fight for trouser real estate.  Underwear is not permitted, and the pants must be such that the furred Slinkies can pass from leg to leg with ease.

Considered a dying sport, ferret legging has sought mightily to remain relevant in an age of much cooler sports.  Despite the hazards of a severed scrotum or perforated penis, ferret leggers take solace in the knowledge that however wretched their sport may be, it will always be a step above competitive eating.

This Is Hardly The Worst Creature You've Found Nuzzling Your Crotch.

*It’s American now, by God! ∞T.

When Love Chokes You With Its Nubs

08 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Jacoby Laquan Smith Has Taken Douchebaggery To Exciting New Heights.

Perhaps only pedophiles garner more societal opprobrium in contemporary society than do violent and abusive men.  However, in perpetrating domestic violence against his girlfriend Tiesha Bell, Jacoby Laquan Smith has leapfrogged the OJs, Ike Turners and Andy Capps to take his rightful place among the all-time greats of in-home thuggery.

The catalyst for the sickening violence came when Bell allegedly blocked Smith’s view of the television.  The ensuing police report depicts a paroxysm off punches, thrown urine and ‘nub-choking’ in which both parties accused the other of domestic violence.  However, in weighing the opposing claims, police have come to discount Smith’s account of violence at the ‘hands’ of his girlfriend, as Bell is a quadruple amputee.

To Be Fair, It Was A Pretty Small TV.

But Smith says that appearances can be deceiving, claiming that the human hockey puck began the affray when she hurled a bedpan of urine at Smith and tried to choke him “with her nubs.”  It was only then, claims the stump fetishist, that he was forced to punch Bell in the face over ten times.

Now, facing domestic abuse charges and the wrath of an entire nation, Smith has added new details to his story.  Sticking to his claim of victimhood, he adds a further detail: Not only did the truncated lovelump attack him, but to add insult to injury, she’s been cheating on him.

Look, I Know He's Slimy, Okay? But I Really Feel Like He Gets Where I'm Coming From.

The Darwin Wand

07 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Culture, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The Darwin Wand, a wondrous magical artifact that allows its wielder to selectively bring a culturally-anachronistic target into the 21st Century, sadly does not exist.

After Receiving A Series Of Darwin Treatments, The Residents Of Talladega, Alabama Enjoy An Evening Of NASCAR.

US Courts Join Forces With Wal-Mart To Kick Dying Man In The Nuts

06 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by in Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The Lengths To Which Some People Will Go To Feed An Addiction Is Simply Shocking.

About a year ago, Wal-Mart was forced to fire cancer-ridden burnout Joseph Casias for flouting the retail giant’s strict drug policy.  No one could have known that the stoner would fight so ferociously for the reefer or that a US district court would be the only thing standing between the America we know and complete cannibachaos in which the world would eventually be remade in the image of a 1970s stoner movie.

It’s not clear exactly  why Casias thought the soulless retail giant would make an exception for his addiction.  By most accounts, Casias believed that he could get blunted behind Michigan’s medical marijuana laws, claiming that the inoperable brain tumor which is killing him somehow justifies his drug use.

If We're Not Careful, This Little Plant Could Undo Everything America's Corporations Have Worked So Hard To Achieve.

Now the US district court has given the ailing cheeba-monkey a little lesson to go along with his unending pain and the mental anguish of facing the end of life at 30: he’s not getting his job back, and he can like it or lump it.

Hopefully this will serve as a growth opportunity for Joseph Casias.  Sure–getting goofy on weed may ameliorate some of Casias’s unspeakable agony, but he lost his job.  Was it worth it, Cheech?

This Stoner Knows That--With The Exception Of The Nausea, Diarrhea, Hair-Loss And Death--He's Got A Pretty Sweet Thing Going.

Sacramento, California

02 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Proving that you don’t have to be a great city to anchor the nation’s most important state, Sacramento manages to remain relevant despite an almost total lack of merit.   California’s capital city squats like a persistent sore upon the confluence of the American and Sacramento Rivers at the northern end of the Central Valley, the Golden State’s bountiful backwater.

In a moment of unwarranted optimism, the city fathers attempted rather generously to imbue the flyblown stinkpit with a sense of the divine by naming it for the Eucharist.  A century-and-a-half later, the dividend of this faith has been an NBA franchise and a spectacularly inept legislature.

It's Telling That The City Is Often Abbreviated As 'SAC.'

We’re not proud of this, Sacramento.  But we had a need and you’re easy. ∞T.

Hef’s Former Skank Calls Him “Dead Fish”

01 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Hot, Retarded And Completely Lacking Dignity?--Yes. Discrete? No.

According to his former floozy Izabella St. James, Hugh Hefner doesn’t just look, smell and act like an incontinent old man–he makes love like one as well.  In her cleverly titled new book, Bunny Tales, St. James claims that the 84 year-old is a sexual ‘Dead Fish’ who simply lies on the bed while a nubile and semi-retarded teenager humps him furiously.

St. James’ revelations shatter more than just the popular image of Hef as a ladies’ man and all-around-stud.  According to Hef’s former harlot, even the famed Playboy Mansion has seen its luster fade.  The once-fabulous pleasure palace of 10,000 delights is now a shabby and echoing ruin, festooned with dogshit and reeking of urine.

The Playboy Mansion Has Seen Better Days

Hefner lost his virginity at the decidedly un-swinging age of 22, and has spent the next six decades attempting to account for this tardiness.  During Playboy’s Watergate-era heyday, the Mansion would throb with orgiastic depravity while sill managing an air of class and swinging sophistication.  And Hef–whether he was snorting lines off Cher’s ass or balls-deep in a group-grope with Sylvia Miles and Burt Bacharach–was right in the middle of it all.

Thanks To A Combination Of Dementia And Cataracts, This Is The Face Hef Sees In The Mirror Every Morning.

But forty years is a long time–a lifetime in third-world countries–and not even Hefner’s famed virility could withstand the implacable ravages of time.  The miracles of modern science, most particularly Viagra, have allowed Hef to make a pretense of his old existence by breathing life into the old man’s withered dingus.

But science has no answer for the rest of Hef’s age-related ailments.  And now, Hef uses his dwindling fortune to make a charade of the life which for one musk-drenched moment in time saw him on top of the world.  He perpetuates this rather sad fantasy in the vain hope not to stave off time, but to help him forget that he’s a crumbling old man with the hearty, virile penis of a healthy sixty-five year old.

i roted this books all by myself lol

*

*

Get To Know Frank McCourt

31 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in Crime, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

"I Totally Bleed Dodger Blue. It IS Blue, Right? Their Color, I Mean."

To the myriad awful things you already knew about loathsome Dodgers owner Frank McCourt–the greed, the douchiness, the being short– let us add one more:

Frank McCourt eats babies.

The Monster Boasts In Print: Frank's First Victim Was A Young Girl Named Angela O'Roarke.

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before: