Author Archives: Smaktakula

After Osama

06 Friday May 2011

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By Smaktakula

Bet You Never Thought You'd Miss This Guy.

The non-turbanned, loosely-wound portion of the world’s population was delighted to hear that inveterate nastyman Osama bin Laden was shot down like a dog, or like anything else that gets shot, really.  For some this joy manifested itself in garish displays of celebration and of nationalistic revelry.  For others, this was a time for the slow shaking of heads and smug reminders that, no matter the enormity of bin Laden’s crimes, death is not something to be celebrated.  But yahoos and pussies alike found common ground in their delight over the death of the cave-dwelling cock-knocker.

Now More Than Ever, A Desperate World Cries Out For An Epic Douchebag.

But now, as the warm afterglow of Mission (Finally) Accomplished begins to fade, so also does the sense of cohesion which, for one shining moment of vengeance-fueled bloodlust, brought us all together.  If this dispersion remains unchecked, we risk drifting back into our petty disagreements.

However, if a new enemy can quickly be found, one in which society can invest its currently unfocused capacity for hatred, we can perhaps recapture the magic of our unified malice.

Some Suggestions For The New Public Enemy #1

With The Intellectual Capacity Of A Houseplant, Nancy Grace Gives False Hope To The Very Stupid.

Kobe Bryant: You Know Why.

The Cranky, Slow And Incompetent Lady At The DMV.

As Is So Often His Lot In Life, Ringo Wasn't Our First Choice For This List, But He'll Have To Do.

Emilio Estevez: No One Will Be Expecting The 'Good' Sheen.

We've Been Gunning For Him Since The 'Chipotle' Commercial.

The Chinese Government Will Back Us On This One.

Americans And Western Europeans Will Have No Problems Resenting Canadians For Their Larger Penises.

Hasn't Made A Good Movie Since The First Bush Presidency, Unless You Count 'Pluto Nash.' Which We Do.

Too Easy.

Lolcats: Ruining Our Grammar Through Their Insidious Adorableness.

Prince Harry: Likes To Dress Up As A Nazi.

"SNARF!"

Falwell Was Right About The Teletubbies

05 Thursday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Jerry Has Moved On. He Now Wants To Know Why Dora The Explorer Doesn't Like Boys.

Years ago the Reverend Jerry Falwell became a laughingstock when he declared that children’s television characters, the Teletubbies, were gay.  Although the insipidly adorable British monstrosities, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po have been turning children’s brains to mush for almost fifteen years, there is no evidence to suggest that exposure to the Teletubbies has any effect on a child’s future sexuality.

teletubbies names

Not Even Remotely Homosexual, But Still Gayer Than Liberace Draped In A Rainbow Flag And Eating An Ice Cream Cone While Riding A Sequin-Studded Unicorn.

Through the gulf of years, however, it becomes plain that the buffoonish Bible-thumper wasn’t altogether wrong.  At the heart of the issue is the word ‘gay’ with its myriad connotations.

Secretly Knows He Will Never Reach The Swishy Benchmark Set By Tinky Winky.

It is ludicrous to think that four sexless, half-witted mutant hamsters could be homosexual (or any kind of sexual).  Despite this, it is apparent to even the most casual observer that the Teletubbies are in fact massively gay.

Fred From Scooby Doo: Gay In EVERY Sense Of The Word.

Human Shields

04 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by in Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

It likely comes as a shock to no one that about-to-be-snuffed cock-knocker Osama bin Laden attempted to use one of his myriad wives as a human shield during his desperate final hours.

Rest Easy, Noble Saguaro. The Evil Ones Will Never Touch You.

Before we judge him too harshly, however, we must consider the stark scientific realities of defensive technology.  For all of humanity’s advances in creating durable, synthetic compounds, we have yet to develop any substance whose defensive capabilities equal the protective power of social outrage.  Human shields are still the best kind.

Royals: Keeping It In The Family

03 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

Actually, There Are Far Worse Congenital Defects Associated With Inbreeding Than Simply Being A Moronic Sack Of Manatee Blubber.

Most people know that in days of yore European royalty was a tight-knit club.  So tight-knit, in fact, that intermarriages among the various royal families increasingly began to produce malignant progeny who were deformities, idiots and stillbirths.  History is replete with whispered tales of these chromosomally-challenged royals, persisting even into the 20th with the feeble Alexei Nikolaevich, son of Nicholas II, the last Czar of Russia.  Hemophilia was so pronounced among previous generations of elites, that it earned itself the magisterial nickname, ‘The Royal Disease.’

Progeny Of Incestuous Unions Are Often Afflicted With Rodent-Like Features.

But few realize that the royal curse persists to this day.  It is a topic the press ignores by silent consensus, and one about which the public prudently remains uninquisitive.   Perhaps this is because, even for people living outside the United Kingdom, the British Royal Family epitomizes dignity, nobility and class; the thought of the Earl of Twaddle-upon-Bumheath flinging his own poo at the Duchess of Queef is almost too much to bear.

Wait Your Turn, Lads!--At Least Four Royals Would Have To Die Before Either Of These Young Lords Can Hope To Assume The Throne.

Recently, the world was forced to acknowledge the Royal Secret when, at the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, photographers snapped several pictures of one of these blue-blood unfortunates.  Historically, Buckingham Palace has kept a tight rein on these high-born embarrassments, but the Palace has liberalized considerably in recent years.  This is thought to be the reason that at least one of these creatures was allowed to not only be seen in public, but to be photographed.

The Hereditary Deformities Of French Monarch Louis XIV Spawned A Cruel National Nickname.

The royaltard in question is Beatrice of York, daughter of former Weight Watchers spokescow and attempted royal access merchant Sarah Ferguson and her former husband, the all-around cad Prince Andrew.  Beatrice appears in several wedding photos, sporting a unique piece of headgear she designed herself.  When asked the significance of the bizarre accoutrement, Beatrice replied with a series of soft mewling sounds.

"Mummy! I'm A Teletubby!"

Beatrice: A Very Special Royal

"HUURRRRR!"

"I'm Beetruth! Hooray For Beetruth!"

Oh God, That Is SO Cute! Smaktakula Had A Hamster That Used To Do That. He Just Couldn't Get The Concept Of Glass.

Beatrice, Sweetie--Don't Lie To Mummy. Now, I'll Ask You Just Once More: Did You Smear Nectar In Your Hair Again?

"Loo Loo Loo, You Can't See Me! Loo Loo Loo!"

Bin Laden: The Final Hours

02 Monday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, News, Religion

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By Smaktakula

REVEALED!  The fatal missteps which led first to the betrayal and then slaying by US forces of 9/11 mastermind and all-around-dick Osama bin Laden.

"Ibrahim, Buddy--It's Totally Awesome Of You To Let Me Crash Here, Man. A Cave Gets Old Really Quick."

"It's Cool, Osama--Mi Casa Es Tu Casa!"

"You Are Too Kind, My Friend. I Know This Has Been A Hardship For You. I've Made A Pretty Big Mess With All My Stuff, Plus, The Great Satan Would Pay A King's Ransom To Know Where I Am Staying Tonight."

"Let The Americans Spend Their Riches In Hell. I Do Not Want Their Filthy Blood Money. I Would Not Betray You For All The Riches In The World."

"I Know This, My Friend. You've Done More For Me Than I Can Repay. Speaking Of Which, Did You Want Me To Throw You A Couple Bucks For All The Food I Ate?"

"No Need, My Friend, No Need! It's Nice Just To Have You Here. By The Way, Did You See A VHS Cassette Lying Around? I've Missed The Last Two Episodes Of My Favorite Show, And Want To Watch It Tonight."

Thanks For Being Cool About The Food, Man--I'm Pretty Broke Anyway. And Did The VHS Cassette Say 'GLEE' On It? 'Cause I'm Pretty Sure I Taped Over It To Make A Message To The Crusaders. Sorry, Bro--My Bad. Still, We All Do What We Can For The Struggle, Right?"

Moronic Song Inspires Moronic Death Threats

29 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Music, News

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By Smaktakula

Once Upon A Time, Psychos Shot Public Figures To Impress Acclaimed Actresses. Today They'll Do It For Kirstie Alley.

The world has changed a great deal since Mark David Chapman was convinced by overrated teen-angst novel The Catcher in the Rye that John Lennon was a “phony” and needed to die.  Although Chapman will be forever hated as the man who killed John Lennon but didn’t kill Yoko Ono when he had the chance, it must be granted that in selecting the former Beatle as the target for his psychopathic rage, he was certainly aiming high.

Still Alive. Why, God? Why?

In 2011, fringy weirdos are apparently under no compulsion to set such lofty goals for themselves, as evidenced by disturbing news from Anaheim, California that imbecilic viral sensation Rebecca Black has received two death threats.  An unnamed source with the Anaheim PD confirmed the report, saying: “It’s baffling that someone should be upset over this song.”  While admitting it was insipid, aural crack, he added, “But Rebecca has an IQ of 73–she literally doesn’t know what she’s singing–or Auto-Tuning, rather.”

The offensive video:

There are those who remain unconcerned about this incident, denying any link to a wider social trend, reasoning that, after all, Friday is a pretty shitty song.  But a growing number of cultural watchdogs see this as symptomatic of society’s devolution as a whole.  “A few years ago,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Cambridge Institute for Stalker Studies, “This nut would have been gunning for Bono or Kurt Cobain.  But those pukes in Good Charlotte are too highbrow for today’s headcase.  It’s sad, really.”

A Literary Work No Longer Needs To Have Cultural Resonance To Inspire Pathetically Crazed Fans.

It’s too early to tell if the doomsayers are correct in believing that humanity has fallen to such a level that the effect is evidenced even in society’s outliers.  True or not, it’s best to err on the side of caution, and provide a little extra protection for such pop music footnotes as Susan Boyle and that pouty little gay kid from American Idol.

William Hung: This Talentless Blob Fears For His Life.

Headlines 04.28.11

28 Thursday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

Just the headlines, none of the content.  For more Headlines fun, click here and here.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If the US Navy were to rid itself entirely of homosexuality, it would have all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Anchors Aweigh!

Brazil shooting said to be first school massacre in nation’s history ~  Previous Brazilian massacres have been of street children, and thus not newsworthy.

Madden NFL 12 to Make Player Safety a Priority ~Madden 12: Also known as ‘The Lame Edition.’

Blind pooch comes with own guide dog ~ Talk about a useless creature.

Meet the perfect rainforest predator ~ Haven’t they been telling us for years that it’s man?

Act goes awry, human cannonball dies ~ There’s no way anyone could have seen this coming.

Gary Busey endorses Donald Trump for president ~ Gary left a chunk of his brain on the street after a helmetless motorcycle accident.  Still, we thought he was smarter than that.

“My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food!”

Sick grandma dropped in Arctic in botched rescue ~ Okay, we’re actually gonna read this one.

What Makes a Person Ugly? ~ Well, it’s tough to explain, but there’s a reason dogs bark at you in the street and children flee screaming upon your approach.

‘Atlas Shrugged’ finally comes to the screen ~ The audience shrugs.

Small Iowa town ‘lucky’ after big tornado ~ But in the moments before the tornado they were decidedly unlucky.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really an expert, he should know they do that.

Pissing Yourself Is An Acceptable Response.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just wouldn’t shut up about it.

Libya regime accuses Nato of siding with rebels ~ Wasn’t that the whole point?

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ We just don’t know, and we can’t afford to let that happen.

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? ~ It all depends upon what you’re sitting on.

Our Eagerness To Resort To Awful Puns Is Simply Shocking.

Are You Praising Your Child Properly? ~ Do you even know where the little fuckers are right now?

Putin does the rendition-and-secret-jail thing, too ~ We’re not so different after all.

Woman denies biting off testicles ~ So was she a man before she did it?

Spend Valentine’s Day with Enrique Iglesias and a Big Bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant ~ We are so there.

“Nadie Puede Amarte Como Yo Pueda, Smaktakula.”

Caged Skank: LiLo To Jail?

26 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, News

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By Smaktakula

A Still From Lindsay's Solo Mime Performance: 'Fellating A Very Tiny Invisible Man.'

Lawyers for sometime-actress and Flower of American Skankhood Lindsay Lohan plan to file an appeal against a court decision that could send the vapid sexpot to jail for up to 120 days.   The decision comes in response to a parole violation stemming from the actress’ 2007 conviction for drunk driving.

This Magic Talisman Is Considerably More Efficacious When Used By Male Prisoners.

Even if LiLo is forced to serve some or all of her sentence, there is an upside.  Not only have the producers of the upcoming John Gotti biopic graciously allowed the imploding actress to keep her role  in the film as Junior Gotti’s loyal wife, Kim, but jail-time should give LiLo some first-hand experience in prison life, which should give her an edge in future auditions for soft-core Babes Behind Bars exploitation flicks.

Word Is, The Girls On Cellblock D Already Have A Nickname For LiLo: 'The Crimson Clam.'

As Team Lohan appeals Lindsay’s jail time, the actress is preparing to fulfill her 480 hours of community service at a Skid Row woman’s shelter and the LA County Morgue, where she will work as a janitor.  The experience will no doubt be made more enriching for the doomed starlet if she comes to understand that these same two locations are also likely to be the penultimate and terminal stops on her career trajectory.

Making The Most Of Her Time At The LA County Morgue, LiLo Poses With The Corpse Of Charlie Chaplin.

This Day In History April 25, 1915 CE

25 Monday Apr 2011

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On which Allied forces begin the assault on the Gallipoli Peninsula which First Lord of the Admiralty, Winston Churchill, believes will knock Turkey from the war and lay bare the soft underbelly of the Central Powers.

"Nope."

The campaign was such an unmitigated military disaster and tragic waste of human life that the Australian and New Zealand Governments thought it would be the perfect defeat to commemorate the memory of their fallen soldiers.  Happy Anzac Day, Mates! ∞T.

Basketball Players’ Assault On Cheerleader Kinda Funny If You Think About It

22 Friday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

Cheerleaders Should Be Objectified, Not Attacked.

Disgusting.  Vile.  Hateful.  These were a few of the words which sprung to many people’s minds when they first heard that two University of Missouri basketball players had assaulted a cheerleader.  According to the police report, the two senior forwards are alleged to have broken the victim’s nose.

Amanda Hanneman: Clearly More Interested In Peace Than In Beating Up Cheerleaders.

The shocking revelation that the cheerleader was a male and his attackers women injected some well-needed levity into the situation, and also highlighted the victim’s undeniable courage in both reporting this assault and in admitting to being a male cheerleader.

Someday The World Will Recognize You For The Trailblazing Pioneer That You Are. Homo.