Category Archives: News

One-Legged Hag Refuses To Let Senility Destroy Her Dreams Of Second-Time Motherhood

19 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

For Reals: Zsa Zsa Was Hot Long Ago.

Creepy gold-digger Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt announced recently that his wife, superannuated entertainment oddity Zsa Zsa Gabor, would like to have another child at 94.  Anhalt has reportedly spent $100,000 for the procedure.

Gabor, most famous for slapping a police officer, was a forerunner of today’s reality stars, who traded on her image rather than talents or actual accomplishments.  Although her list of film credits is relatively meager, the Hungarian harridan has tenaciously managed to keep herself in the tabloids.

Prince Frederic von Anhalt with his wife Zsa Zsa Gabor, who has suffered major health problems in the last year, including hip replacement surgery and a leg amputation.

"Better Get That Camera Out Of Here. Me And The Missus May Start On That Baby Right Now, If You Know What I Mean."

Those who are dubious about Gabor’s supposed quest for 2nd-time motherhood have derided the couple’s plan as an obscene affront against nature.  The crone has had difficulty walking since a 2002 car accident, and recently had her gangrenous right leg removed.  Anhalt explains that while Gabor’s desiccated body would be used as a host for the pregnancy, the couple would be soliciting the help of a donor, and would not be relying on the ancient actresses’ rotten eggs.

Anhalt, who gained his title after being adopted as an adult by the last surviving relative of Kaiser Wilhelm II, briefly considered a run for Governor of California before withdrawing to care for Gabor.  Anhalt has on more than one occasion returned the favor by adopting an adult male.  Now, however, the wily Kraut plans to employ perverted science to create biological children, proudly announcing that he’d already donated sperm to the cause.

The Personal Style Of A Prince: Start With A Dollop Of Prussian Officer And Liberal Amounts Of Sgt. Pepper, With Just A Dash Of Captain EO.

OC Republicans Take Racism To New Low

18 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in News, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

OC Republicans Enjoying Their Semi-Annual Retreat At Dana Point.

Just when America thinks it has a handle on its deep-seated racism, something comes along to stir the flames.  Marilyn Davenport, a member of the Orange County Republican Committee, recently circulated an email with a picture of President Obama’s face superimposed on an ape’s body.

Although Davenport ridiculously claims not to have considered the President’s race when sending out this bigoted email, most commentators were able to see through her diaphanous veil of chicanery.  To call this ugly attack on the President–and all African-Americans–anything other than racism is to deny reality.

Although the Republicans will no doubt attempt to throw Davenport under the bus by stripping her of her position, it’s highly probable that many share Davenport’s pernicious views.  Although many Republicans voted for Obama in 2008, making the United States the first Western nation to elect a black man as Chief Executive, it’s likely they voted this way so that they could finally take their hate to a national level.

This Is The Kind Of Sexist Filth That--Oh Wait--Is That Sarah Palin? Funny Stuff!

Here’s a simple primer, with several acceptable images and one which is offensive:

This Is Not Racist.

Nor This.

Still Not Racist.

Cool.

This Is Fine.

george bush monkey

This One Is Also Okay.

Completely Free Of Racial Animus.

Acceptable.

Obama monkey

This Is Simply Vile. We Are So Sorry You Had To See This.

On a related note:
Car Seat In Asia - Creative Car Seat That Was Passed Down From Kid To Kid

Is It Ever Okay To Compare A Person Or Group Of People To A Family Of Opossums? No, Not For Any Particular Reason--We Were Just Wondering.

What’s Your Game, Raul?

18 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Raul: Nicer Than Fidel, And Much Better-Groomed.

Since assuming the presidency of Cuba in 2006 (officially gaining the office in 2008), Raul Castro has imbued the 52-year-old Castro Regime with a much-needed air of youth and liberality  The younger Castro has implemented some modest economic reforms, as well as investigated lifting travel restrictions for citizens of the crumbling, island backwater.  On Saturday, Castro shocked the world by lamenting the dearth of young leadership in Cuba, and proposing term limits for all Cuban politicians, including himself.

While this was welcome news around most of the world, with leaders effusive in their praise for the incipiently octogenary dictator, not quite everyone is so sanguine about Castro’s motives.  Some attribute Castro’s motives to dark machinations, seeing behind Raul’s actions the palsied and liver-spotted hand of his older brother.

 IT’S A TRAP!

OMG! NKOTBSB 4EVR!

14 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, News

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By Smaktakula

Before You Criticize, Take A Good Long Look At Your High School Senior Photo.

It’s a team-up for the ages, a meeting swimming in historical portentousness: Ali & Foreman fighting side-by-side, Shakespeare and Shaw joining forces, a collaboration between Mozart and Bach–the two greatest forces in achingly adolescent boy-band pop have come together to rock your world, Girl.

The Backstreet Boys Want To Remind You How Important It Is For Men Over Thirty-Five To Have Yearly Proctological Exams.

So call the babysitter right now–never mind that it’s a school night.  What was only a schoolgirl’s fantasy in the waning days of the 20th Century has become a reality in the second decade of the 21st.  In the most tantalizing of flavor combinations since peanut butter met chocolate, the fresh young fellows of best-selling boy band the Backstreet Boys have teamed up with teenybopper godfathers, the now-ironically named New Kids on the Block, to form NKOTBSB.  This awesomely anachronistic amalgam is greater than the sum of its parts, calculated to set hormones ablaze for the first time in over a decade.

PT EXCLUSIVE! A Sneak Peak At The Official NKOTBSB Tour Shirts!

The series of sexy initials has already released a single highlighting the boys’ persistent fear of the dark, ‘Don’t Turn Out the Lights.’  NKOTBSB doesn’t plan to stop there–a full-length album is forthcoming, followed by a rockin’ summer tour.

Prefers Hasselhoff To NKOTBSB. But What Does He Know? Hes A Deaf, Crazy, Deceased Kraut.

According to fans, the only thing better than NKOTBSB would be N’SYNKOTB, a combination of the New Kids and the remaining members of former boy-band, N’Sync, some of whose members have actually met success story Justin Timberlake.

Expected To Join The NSYNKOTBSB 2022 Tour, Filling In While Donnie Wahlberg Recovers From Gastric Bypass Surgery.

Don’t Turn Out the Lights:

NKOTB + BSB = Approximately 1,600 pounds of pure, unadulterated AWESOME.

World’s Lamest Super-Weapon Unveiled

13 Wednesday Apr 2011

Posted by in News, Science

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By Smaktakula

No, It's Nothing This Cool.

There’s been much oohing and ahhing over recently-released footage of what purports to be a US Navy laser destroying–eventually–an unmanned boat.  This technological innovation is welcome news for those individuals who have long sought a career in supervillainy, but lacked a doomsday weapon powerful enough to threaten the world itself.  Such enthusiasm may be premature.

We’re not so much disappointed as underwhelmed.  When it comes to vessel-destroying lasers, are we wrong to expect more Steven Spielberg and less Roger Corman?

Billions Of Blackened Ants Bear Mute Witness To The Fact That This Technology Is Hardly New.

Moreover, as with so many doomsday weapons, the MegaLaser has some inherent drawbacks.  Because a laser is highly-concentrated light, for example, if America’s enemies were somehow able to invent a technology which could redirect the beam, the lethal might of this ultimate weapon could easily be turned back upon its masters.

Damn, But You're A Clever Chap! Well Played.

TripoliWatch 2011: Give Temporary Cessation Of Hostilities A Chance

13 Wednesday Apr 2011

Posted by in News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

The Roadmap To A Ceasefire: "We Have Bad Roads In Libya."

With the Libyan Crisis having dragged on for however long it’s dragged on now, the strain is beginning to show on all sides.  What is not known is which side–notorious dickhead Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi or the NATO-backed opposition–will crumble first.  Adding to the confusion, South African President Jacob Zuma has introduced an African Union-backed plan to end hostilities, the Roadmap to a Ceasefire.

Like Most Americans, The President Is Bored With This TV Show.

Acrimony abounded within the coalition after it was reported that NATO forces mistakenly bombed rebel troops.  The rebels contend that dozens were killed, but reliable reports say about four.  Even though such a small number was lost, it’s said to be a devastating blow to the resistance as one of the slain fighters, Faisal, was the only guy in the unit who knew how to drive a stick.

If There Were A 'Rebel Special Olympics,' These Guys Could Expect At Least To Get The Bronze.

Spokesrebels for the rag-tag band of unwashed misfits, perhaps thinking that the United States was still leading the mission and would therefore issue an immediate and abject act of contrition, claimed to have received such an apology.  NATO quickly denied these allegations, explaining that the official coalition response to the rebels was a request to “shut the fuck up” and a stern reminder that they were lucky more of their useless troops weren’t felled for target practice, and that moreover that only enough rebels were needed to keep AP photographers busy.

Much Of The World Sees Gaddafi As A Tyrant. To African Nations, He's A Checkbook.

Although the United States and United Kingdom have said that Gaddafi will not be part of Libya’s future, Africa’s leadership isn’t so sure.  While acknowledging that Gaddafi is a tyrant, a historical supporter of international terrorism and an all-around dick, supporters in the African Union are quick to point to the Colonel’s many good qualities, such as supplying their nations with large sums of cash.

Better A Home-Grown Tyrant Than A Benevolent Western Puppet.

Hudgens Sets New Standard In Leaked Nudie Pix

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

We Only Bring This Up Because There Seems To Be Kind Of A Pattern Going On Here, But You Know They DO Make Cell Phones Without Cameras In Them.

Quickly following the theatrical release of her crossover bid Sucker Punch, racy photos of tween idol Vanessa Hudgens were released on the internet.  This makes an astounding third time the unlucky actress has seen her intimate photos leaked.  In an amazing coincidence, all three leaks have occurred while films featuring Hudgens were playing in theaters.  Despite being the victim, societal double-standards and Hudgens’ own status as a role model, should be enough to bring the blame for this incident squarely on the young starlet’s shoulders.

If You Rent 'High School Musical' Expecting To See Anything Like This, You're Going To Be Disappointed. A Lot.

Although they are few in number, Hudgens has her defenders, who point to her recent breakup with actor Zac Efron.  Supporters contend that the sudden absence from Hudgens’ life of such a juggernaut of testosterone-drenched heterosexual dynamism has affected both her judgement and libido.

Sometimes We Fear Zac Will Never Find The Right Girl.

Of course, the loudest voices will ring with scorn and derision.  Moralists will find much to condemn in these images, as will those who think the human body is a source of shame and sin.  But with the scandalous proliferation of internet nudie pix by such low-rent hags as Amber Portwood, isn’t it a bit of a nice change every now and then to see an attractive person naked?

Look--Your Best Shot Is To Go For 'Pretty On The Inside'--And We Have To Tell You, This Is Not Helping.

G’Bye, Gbagbo!

11 Monday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

The Outgoing President Expressed Regret That He Was Unable To Fulfill His Mission To Plunder The Nation's Coffers.

Closure comes today to the months-long standoff in Ivory Coast as forces loyal to UN-backed President Alassane Ouattara arrested former President Laurent Gbagbo, who had been steadfastly refusing to leave office.  The outgoing president is said to be in good spirits following his capture, although suitably embarrassed that his regime is the first in living memory to be successfully toppled by French troops.

With the electoral crisis resolved, this augurs to be a time of healing for the small African nation.  Ivorians are looking forward to a euphoric and all-too-brief honeymoon of high expectations before Ouattara regime transitions to a more traditional leadership role and begins to liquidate the country’s resources while engaging in the slaughter of his enemies.

"This Is A Time To Put Away Anger And Come Together As Ivorians. When The UN Leaves--Only Then Can We Begin The Wholesale Killings."

K-Fed, Serial Impregnator

08 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula
Kevin Federline Picture

"I Have This Many Childrens Now!" Good Try, Kev--You Got A Little Closer That Time.

Professional baby-daddy Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline has likely spawned his fifth child according to a source close to the expectant mother, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince.  K-Fed’s brood currently includes two children with actress Shar Jackson and a pair with white trash survivor Britney Spears.

Say What You Will About The Man, But No Shortage Of Reasonably Attractive Women Are Willing To Sleep With Him.

Of the many roles K-Fed has played over the years (backup dancer, rap artist, career-killer) none appears to satisfy him as much as fatherhood, particularly since siring children is the only activity for which he has shown any measurable aptitude.  It’s a safe bet that K-Fed will continue to knock ladies up for years to come, so long as there remains at least one kind soul who will let him do it.

Who Will Be Next? "You Like Fridays? NO WAY!--I Like Fridays, Too!"

Bonus: K-Fed’s immortal ‘Popozão.’

That shit is fire, we assure you.
Po, Po, Po, Po, Popozão, Popozão!

Herpes Horror At Berlin Zoo

08 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Cute Little Bugger, Isn't He? Sadly, He's Dead Now.

All is not well at the Berlin Zoo, where recently two high-profile animals have met mysterious–and bizarre–deaths.  This is an embarrassment to the Germans, and a source of concern for animal-lovers around the world

The first casualty was Knut, the zoo’s biggest attraction.  The beloved Polar Bear lived a hard life in his four short years.  He was rejected by his mother at birth, but quickly taken to the warm and accepting bosom of the German people.  Recently, however, fans were shocked when the adorable ursine dove into the moat around his enclosure, never to surface.  The polar bear only a Teuton could love died of what is being called an infection.

Historically, The Germans Have Had A Hard Time Keeping Sentient Beings Alive In Captivity.

Following close on the paws of Knut’s demise came the sad news that another animal had died. Shaina Pali, a six-year-old Indian elephant,  was found dead by her trainer recently when he came to check on her at 7:00 AM.  Autopsy reports showed that she had likely died of elephant herpes, which is particularly pernicious in pachyderms.  The last person to see her before she died was new assistant trainer, Rolf ‘Cold Sore’ Stussenhimmel, who confirms that the creature appeared to be in good health when he last saw her, and moreover was in “a very good mood.”

Shaina Pali Poses With A Shrieking Barn Rat In This Undated Photo.

Hopefully the mysterious animal deaths at the Berlin Zoo will stop with Shaina Pali.  However, even if they do, something not-quite-mended has again been broken, and the German reputation for rigorously upholding the sanctity of all forms of life seriously impugned.

"I See Dead Animals."