Category Archives: Stupidity

Depardieu’s ‘Euro-Nation’ Stunt Deemed Derivative And Unoriginal

18 Thursday Aug 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax. Your Mère Must Be Very Proud.

Bloated French nonentity Gèrard Depardieu attempted to make a splash Tuesday morning in what appears to be a copycat urination attack.  The sweaty Euro-pérvert, inexplicably famous for something somewhere, apparently mistook an airplane aisle for a Paris sidewalk, and began to urinate indiscriminately.

Depardieu, Who Often Displays His Cock In Public, Is Seen Here Choking His Chicken.

Depardieu’s boorish behavior marks the second airplane-related act of urination in the past several days.  It has been speculated that the blobbish thespian, who has repeatedly expressed fears that the French are ceding their status as World’s Rudest People to America, was trying to one-up US pissing sensation Robert “Sandy” Vietze.

When You Look At Depardieu's Previous indiscretions, This One Seems Tiny And Insignificant.

If so, this was a mistake says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, director of the Harvard Urine Fellowship.  “As with so many things,” Haagerdäddi says, “America did it first and did it better,” explaining that the portly Frenchman couldn’t hope to execute a difficult public urination with the same grace as Vietze, who is both much younger and a trained athlete.

We Hope That In The Future, Depardieu Will Avail Himself Of A More Proper Toilet.

What, You Can’t Pee On Little Kids Anymore?

16 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by in Crime, Music, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Vietze's Career Is Golden And Smells Of Ammonia.

Talented downhiller Robert “Sandy” Vietze found out too late that when he urinated on a little girl during a flight to New York, he was also pissing all over his once-promising Olympic career.  The elite skier, 18, reportedly traded Olympic gold for a golden shower when he hosed down the sleeping 11-year-old during a redeye flight from Portland.

It Happened Pretty Much Like This.

Although he has been removed from the US Team roster,Vietze will likely escape prosecution because the girl, who was travelling to New York with her cancer-stricken father, is to too traumatized to provide evidence.  She and her family are trying to make the best of this horrifying experience.

When You Wake Amid A Golden Shower, It Can Seem Overwhelming.

Vietze is obviously concerned about that public reaction to the incident not be overblown, claiming that his actions were inadvertent and completely out of character.  The athlete doesn’t want to be painted as irresponsible, explaining that he had no way of knowing that the eight alcoholic drinks he consumed immediately before takeoff would have such a profound affect on his judgement.

R. Kelly Also Likes To Pee On Little Girls, But Unlike Vietze, He'll Make Honest Women Of Them.

Guppet Duo Urged To Define Relationship

12 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by in Culture, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

The Love Between Two Inanimate Objects Can Be As Powerful As Any Other Love.

Longtime roommates Bert & Ernie may have to answer some uncomfortable questions about their relationship.  Although speculation regarding the nature of the Muppets’ relationship has been rife since their debut in 1969, both Bert and Ernie have remained silent amount the matter, saying that theirs is a children’s show, and that while they staunchly support an individual’s right to his or her own sexuality, the pair considers the issue inappropriate for Sesame Street.

This Only Adds Support To Smaktakula's Belief That Sharing Is Totally Gay.

That’s not good enough, says Lair Scott, a homosexual activist with too little in his life to keep him busy.  Life is tough for gay people, Scott asserts, particularly for the young.  However, Scott believes that if Bert and Ernie were to proudly queer the air, all that would change overnight.  He’s started a petition demanding that Children’s Television Workshop out the long-time friends.

He's Deluded If He Thinks The Coming Out Of A TV Puppet Will Spare Him An Adolescence Replete With Beatings.

Whatever choice the closeted duo ultimately makes will be the right one.  CTW has nothing to prove, and doesn’t need to force these characters to come out to demonstrate to the world their tolerance.  The publicly-funded organization  has repeatedly demonstrated its belief that love has no color or shape, and that if you get him drunk enough, a frog will fuck a pig.

You've Heard The Old Saying: Once You Try Swine, Nothing's Ever So Fine.

Why Does Your County Hate America’s Veterans?

04 Thursday Aug 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

If your county didn’t hate veterans, it would find a way to tell the world.  Some, like Oregon’s Douglas County, have found a way to do just that.

For Their Brave Service, The Least We Can Offer Is Lip-Service.

Some US counties are particularly rough on veterans.  Lewis County in Washington State has been known to periodically round up its veterans and force them to fight to the death, gladiator-style.  Blood-sports are a local favorite in that thrice-blighted hellhole, which is populated almost entirely by syphilitic knuckle-draggers.  Or so we’ve heard. ∞T.

Could You Be An Asshole? Holy War

03 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by in History, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

"Verily, Brethren, I Say Unto Thee That It Pleaseth The Lord That We Smite These Fuckers Royally."

It’s not a crime to want to seem more intelligent than you really are.  There are a great many ways to affect this which are not only effective but also appropriate, such as wearing glasses, carrying an NPR tote bag or bringing up the New York Times more than once in a polite conversation.

Just as there are appropriate ways to feign intelligence, so also are there inappropriate ways.  Chief among these are statements designed to sound intelligent to other idiots, but break down under a smidgen of scrutiny.  One such canard is the oft-heard assertion that “all wars are fought over religion.”

The Almighty Wants No Part Of This.

It is absolutely true that religion is the cause of all armed conflicts, with a few notable exceptions: World War I, World War II, the Vietnam Conflict, the Soviet Revolution, the French Revolution, the Indian Wars, the Chinese Revolution, the Russo-Japanese War, the War of 1812, the Gulf War, the American Civil War, the Italo-Abyssinian War, the Cuban Revolution, the Korean Conflict, Sino-Vietnamese War, the Franco-Prussian War, the American Revolution, the Crimean War, and far, far, far too many others to name.

Not Only Did These Evil Fuck-Monkeys Wage A Decidedly Unholy War, But They Took It To God's Chosen People.

The so-called ‘Jesus Wars’ of the early 1970s were not at all religious in nature, but rather a series of bloody turf-battles between Los Angeles gang leaders. ∞T.

What Lies Beneath

02 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Man is a terrestrial creature, born to walk upon the earth’s surface.  Although increasingly humans are taking to the water, there remains something primal and terrifying about the awful things which might lie beneath the water’s surface.

The Devil You Know:

A Hideous, Terrifying, And Gaping Pit Of Unquenchable Rapacity.

The Devil You Don’t:

The Same Thing, Most Likely.

 What is seen cannot be unseen. ∞T.

Don’t Be Too Free With The Pee

01 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

If you ever find yourself uttering the words, “Oh come on now–who HASN’T pissed all over the receiver of a public phone once or twice in his life?“– we can say with a high degree of certainty that you’re a douche.

Be Like This Unauthorized Image Of Calvin And Use Your Urine Powers For The Benefit Of Humanity, And Not To Its Detriment.

And yes, the rule applies to handrails as well.  You know who you are ∞T.

Worst. Lifeguards. Ever.

26 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

A Kitschy Curiosity In Your Fish Tank; An Unspeakable Horror In Your Pool.

There is something uniquely cathartic in the stories of those knuckle-dragging subhumans whose idiocy staggers belief, allowing us to bask in the knowledge that no matter how wretched we are or bereft entirely of common sense, there’s someone out there who makes us look like geniuses. For the insecure morons of the world, the news just gets better–there’s a whole town out there way stupider than you.  Welcome to Fall River, Massachusetts.

They May Not Be Competent, Intelligent Or Physically Fit, But The Special Cops In The FRPD Always Try Real Hard, And That's What Counts.

It was tragic, but hardly unusual when 36-year-old  Marie Joseph drowned last week at a Fall River community pool; drowning deaths claim a jillion lives each year.  However, what sets the mouth-breathing folk of Fall River from rank-and-file morons is the manner in which they dealt with this unpleasant situation.

Try The Blueberry Thai: You'll See The Floating Bodies, But You Just Won't Care.

They didn’t.  Joseph’s corpse floated unnoticed in the punishing summer sun for a full two days until someone realized that 48 hours is a hell of a long time to hold your breath.  It’s unclear why Joseph’s death was not reported by the group with whom she came to the pool, but police caution against a rush to judgement of any kind, admitting that the people of Fall River are drooling lackwits who make the hillbillies from Deliverance seem like the 1960s Sean Connery by comparison, and that it may be some time before answers are forthcoming.

Hey Stinky--When I Say 'Marco,' You Say 'Polo,' Okay? Okay. MARCO! MARCO! Dude, Are You Sure You've Played This Before?

Still, the public should draw confidence from this ghastly event rather than worry.  While it’s certainly astounding that this collection of intellectual houseplants managed to ignore a water-bloated floater for a couple days, it certainly makes the stoned lifeguards at your own community pool seem that much more competent.

The Brown Trout: Even Grosser Than A Bloated Floater.

Hitler’s Belgian Origins Questioned

25 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Idi Amin: Belgium's Favorite Son Gained Renown As A First-Rate Asshole.

Most objective observers will readily agree that not only is Promethean Times one of the world’s leading outlets for critical news and hard data, but is also darn near infallible.  As much as we would wish otherwise, these powers of almost deific accuracy do not extend to all of our readers.  For some tragically simple members of our audience, PT can be a confusing, scary place.

Despite Winning The Talent Competition With The Help Of His Living Shadow, Belgium's Mr. Universe Representative Fared Poorly In All Other Aspects Of The Competition.

Recently, a Promethean Times exposé on the rampant iniquities of Belgium, that nefarious nation of nasty ne’er-do-wells, has inadvertently caused some international hurt feelings.  At least two anonymous respondents (this anonymity is unsurprising when it is remembered that most Belgians do not have individual names, but identify one another through a complex cocktail of pheromones) allege that Promethean Times incorrectly implied internationally-despised dick Adolf Hitler had been born in Belgium.  In fact, the heinous dictator hailed from Austria.  It was never our intention to imply that history’s most reviled personage was of Belgian birth, and while we believe that our message was clear and straightforward, we nonetheless understand the powerful feelings evoked by this misinterpretation.

Belgian President Schml Jurgenvrk Wasted No Time In Issuing A Firm Response To Promethean Times, But It Was In Whatever Language Those People Speak--Jörg! Jörg! Jörg!--So We Just Tuned Him Out. It Was Probably Just More BS About This Year's Beet Crop. Seriously, We Don't Want To Hear One More Word About The Fucking Beet Weevil.

However, Promethean Times stands by its decision to include among Belgium’s notable figures the man who once deemed the low-lying country “my spiritual home,” calling it “full of gentle folk who share my unique appreciation for living space and abiding love for 99% of God’s creatures.”  Belgians wholeheartedly requited this affection, clasping the genocidal madman to their collective breast.  In 1947 Belgium demonstrated this ardor by changing the name of the nation’s capital from Wäfflesburg to Hitlertown.

Belgium: It's Around Here Somewhere.

Despite our slavish devotion to journalistic integrity and meticulous research, it is possible–however unlikely–that we will from time to time commit factual errors.  We trust that our careful readers will bring any such errors to our attention.  ∞T.