18 Monday Jul 2011
Tags
Anaheim Angels, Baseball, California, California Angels, Disneyland, lame baseball teams, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Magic Kingdom, Mickey Mouse, the Devil, this day in history, tragic kingdom
On which the Devil manifests as a rodent and brings his unholy kingdom to earth.
Unsure Of Whether To Use His Massive Profits To Cure Cancer Or To Buy The World's Lamest Baseball Team.
07 Thursday Jul 2011
Tags
Baseball, Brooklyn Dodgers, Canadians don't play baseball, carpetbaggers, Delino DeShields, douchebaggery, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, MLB, Montreal Expos, Omegadouche, Pedro Martinez, short people, short people are plain evil!, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, worst trade ever
110% Evil.
Carpetbagging Bostonian Frank McCourt likes to live large. Despite his complete lack of merit or any trace of human decency, the most recent owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers has managed to achieve superlativeness in at least one regard: very few individuals in the long and storied history of sporting douchebaggery have managed in such a short time to equal his astounding advancements in the field.
The improvident runt has brought financial ruin upon the Dodgers, universally regarded as the greatest franchise in the history of baseball, and perhaps in all of sport. Making matters worse, his actions have almost certainly precipitated the team’s takeover by Major League Baseball, casting a century-old Los Angeles tradition* into the same Losers’ Club as the likes of the Montreal Expos.
To Better Understand The Comparison, Imagine That Your Bottled Water Was Secretly Replaced With Berry-Flavored Goat Piss.
Already ignominiously linked to the now-defunct Expos through one of the worst trades in franchise history, which occurred before McCourt’s arrival on the scene, the Dodgers have now replaced them as the MLB’s poor relation. For that, among so many heinous crimes, Frank McCourt is truly Lord of the Douches.
Delino DeShields Ended Up Being Pretty Good Too.
09 Thursday Jun 2011
Tags
Americans, Baseball, Basketball, bleeding genitals, blood sports, croquet, Duck Duck Goose, ferret legging, ferret-down-trousers, ferrets, football, hockey, lame sports, non-Americans, Soccer, Tetherball, vulgar non-sports, Yorkshire
Ferret Legging: Simultaneously A Sport And A Crime Against Nature.
Before the promulgation of worthwhile American sports such as baseball, football, basketball or hockey*, non-Americans were forced to content themselves with quasi-sports like croquet, Duck-Duck-Goose and soccer. It’s no surprise then that these diversion-starved people began to invent their own increasingly bizarre ‘sports.’
However, the Yorkshire miners who in the 1970s invented ferret legging, also known as ferret-down-trousers, had no such excuse. Although week after week, color television offered far safer and more athletically meritorious sports, the Yorkies designed a contest that very often results in bleeding genitals.
Why Not Try Tetherball? It's Just As Lame, But You Can Wear White Pants.
The rules of ferret legging are simple: participants trap ferrets in their pants and then see who can endure the longest as the needle-toothed weasels fight for trouser real estate. Underwear is not permitted, and the pants must be such that the furred Slinkies can pass from leg to leg with ease.
Considered a dying sport, ferret legging has sought mightily to remain relevant in an age of much cooler sports. Despite the hazards of a severed scrotum or perforated penis, ferret leggers take solace in the knowledge that however wretched their sport may be, it will always be a step above competitive eating.
This Is Hardly The Worst Creature You've Found Nuzzling Your Crotch.
31 Tuesday May 2011
Tags
Angela's Ashes, Baseball, cock-knockers, comical despots, Dodger Blue, douchebaggery, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, outright lies, pure evil, short people, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the other Frank McCourt, treachery
"I Totally Bleed Dodger Blue. It IS Blue, Right? Their Color, I Mean."
To the myriad awful things you already knew about loathsome Dodgers owner Frank McCourt–the greed, the douchiness, the being short– let us add one more:
Frank McCourt eats babies.
The Monster Boasts In Print: Frank's First Victim Was A Young Girl Named Angela O'Roarke.
27 Friday May 2011
Posted in Sport
Tags
Atlanta Braves, Baseball, douchebaggery, George Sherrill, incompetent boobery, lefties, Los Angeles Dodgers, relief pitchers, southpaws, that shitty beard too!, unreliable, YOU SUCK!
George Sherrill, the cretinous southpaw who douched it up for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 2010, posting a ghastly 6.69 ERA in 36 innings of ‘work,’ has taken his act to the Atlanta Braves.
This Massengill Maestro Is Queen Of Baseball Douchedom.
However, at some point in the off-season, the doubly first-named rectal wart seems to have rediscovered his competence, posting a 1-0 record with a decidedly un-shameful 2.19 ERA in 12 innings so far this season. That makes him an even bigger douche than we ever thought possible.
Bonus: As further evidence of his douchebag bona fides, Sherrill has trademarked his moronic nickname, ‘The Brim Reaper.’
11 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
American Indians, Baseball, bingo, blackjack, cockfighting, Dodger Stadium, dodo, drugs, Geronimo, hackers, Harry Reid, headlines, Iran, Jim Carrey, Los Angeles Dodgers, Native Americans, Navy SEALs, nudists, nutmeg, Osama bin Laden, passenger pigeon, pervertry, Robitussin DM, Shania Twain, Texas, untalented stars, whippets, whiskey
In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.
The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.
Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.
Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.
He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*
Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.
Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!
American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture. The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’
Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.
South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.
The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.
Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?
Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.
Turns Out This Is A Fake.
Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?
Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.
Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts? Who gets high from bath salts? Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons. While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.
“I Can Hear My Hair Growing! Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”
01 Friday Apr 2011
Tags
Alyssa Milano, assault, Baseball, bigotry, burning the Koran, Emil Haagerdäddi, good steward of the environment, Koran, Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball, Nathan Bedford Forrest, obsessive sports fans, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, violence
You Wouldn't Sport A Swastika In A Synagogue, Would You?
Chavez Ravine: Yesterday, an unidentified man was given an impromptu lesson in sensitivity after parading around Dodger Stadium in offensive clothing. In what can only be viewed as a hate-statement, the gentleman is alleged to have been conspicuously displaying articles of clothing bearing the logo of the San Francisco Giants. Such apparel is not only considered deeply offensive to fans of the Los Angeles Dodgers, but also ritually unclean.
What the man hoped to achieve with this bizarre and provocative act is unclear, but it did attract attention. Things came to a head when two Dodger fans, possibly attempting to protect their womenfolk from the offensive barrage, found their tormentor and two companions drinking chardonnay spritzers, each politely arguing his own case as the best steward of the environment.
Nathan Bedford Forrest With A Filthy Curve.
The man’s two fair-weather friends are also thought to be San Francisco Giants fans due to the rapidity with which they fled the scene, leaving their companion to his own just desserts. He was roundly beaten.
“I don’t know what else this man–we’ll call him Bruce Smith-Smythe–expected,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a baseball statipscychologist, “This was an unconscionable act that demonstrates how easily Freedom of Speech can be abused. Much like Koran-burning and the understandable mayhem it incites, this incident teaches us that there are limits to freedom.”
"Be Not Afraid Of The Enemy, My Son. Should He Strike You Down, Your Heavenly Reward Will Be 72 Alyssa Milanos."
Haagerdäddi claims that ‘Smith-Smythe’ never had a chance. “Although Giants fans have on average a twenty-point advantage in IQ relative to Dodger fans, and tend to make a whole lot more money, it’s just tough for them to get past that nagging ‘pussy’ factor.”
Whether or not he intended it, the provocative pantywaist was shown the pain words can inflict. There are some who will say that the bigot got off lightly, and there is validity in this contention. But if even one Giant fan learns from this incident and is able to conquer his hate, then perhaps it will have been worth it.
That Is So Last Year.
31 Tuesday Aug 2010
Tags
American League, anabolic steroids, Baseball, baseball trades, cheaters, Chicago White Sox, cleared waivers, female fertility hormones, good riddance, human choronic gonadotrophin, Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball, Manny Ramirez, Minnesota Twins, MLB, National League, really huge knockers
The Chicago White Sox claimed Manny Ramirez on Monday off waivers from the Los Angeles Dodgers.
The White Sox hope that the rapidly aging abuser of female fertility hormones will be able to deliver enough with his bat to make the difference in their increasingly desperate battle with the Minnesota Twins for first place in the American League Central.
The moment is bittersweet for the Dodgers, bringing to close a sometimes-exciting, sometimes-frustrating era of dreadlocked douchebaggery. Sadly for the Dodgers and their fans, unreliable space-waster George Sherrill still remains.
Ramirez Explains That Gobbling Human Choronic Gonadotropin Gave Him "Really Huge Knockers."
26 Thursday Aug 2010
Tags
Aaaaaaaaay!, Allan Huber Selig, Arthur Fonzarelli, Atlanta Braves, Baseball, Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, Fonzie, Hank Aaaron, Major League Baseball, Miller Park, Milwaukee Braves, Milwaukee Brewers, MLB, Paul Molitor, Robin Yount, statue, the Comedian, the Fonz, the Watchmen
Selig, The Man Responsible For Bringing Baseball Back To Milwaukee, Stands Between The Comedian (The Watchmen) And Braves Legend Hank Aaron (Who Hit .232 For The Brewers Over Parts Of Two Seasons).
Bud Selig, the Commissioner of Major League Baseball and former owner of baseball’s vestigial Milwaukee Brewers, is immortalized in bronze outside of Miller Park. Observers called this a testament to Milwaukee’s desperation for recognition beyond alcohol-related infamy.
Selig’s is the second high-profile statue to be erected in Milwaukee in the last three years, a renaissance for the Midwestern City. The other piece of statuary is a likeness of fictional former cultural icon Arthur Fonzarelli. Milwaukee’s greatest heroes finally have what they deserve.
"Aaaaaaaay! So Who The Hell Are Robin Yount And Paul Molitor, Anyway? Aaaaaaaay!"
04 Wednesday Aug 2010
Posted in Baseball, Crime, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, History, National Events, People, Sports
Tags
600-home run club, A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, all-time home run leaders, anabolic steroids, Barry Bonds, Baseball, bloated statistical anomalies, cheaters, cocksucker, douchebaggery, Gay-Rod, Hank Aaron, home run hitting douches, Ken Griffey Jr., la ducha grande, Major League Baseball, New York Yankees, people who are despised outside of New York, Sammy Sosa, Sammy Sosa is only kind of a douche, Toronto Blue Jays
A-Rod trails legendary cocksucker Barry Bonds on the all-time MLB list for home runs hit by a douche.
La Ducha Grande
Promethean Times 