Monthly Archives: April 2011

What’s Your Game, Raul?

18 Monday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

Raul: Nicer Than Fidel, And Much Better-Groomed.

Since assuming the presidency of Cuba in 2006 (officially gaining the office in 2008), Raul Castro has imbued the 52-year-old Castro Regime with a much-needed air of youth and liberality  The younger Castro has implemented some modest economic reforms, as well as investigated lifting travel restrictions for citizens of the crumbling, island backwater.  On Saturday, Castro shocked the world by lamenting the dearth of young leadership in Cuba, and proposing term limits for all Cuban politicians, including himself.

While this was welcome news around most of the world, with leaders effusive in their praise for the incipiently octogenary dictator, not quite everyone is so sanguine about Castro’s motives.  Some attribute Castro’s motives to dark machinations, seeing behind Raul’s actions the palsied and liver-spotted hand of his older brother.

 IT’S A TRAP!

OMG! NKOTBSB 4EVR!

14 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, News

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By Smaktakula

Before You Criticize, Take A Good Long Look At Your High School Senior Photo.

It’s a team-up for the ages, a meeting swimming in historical portentousness: Ali & Foreman fighting side-by-side, Shakespeare and Shaw joining forces, a collaboration between Mozart and Bach–the two greatest forces in achingly adolescent boy-band pop have come together to rock your world, Girl.

The Backstreet Boys Want To Remind You How Important It Is For Men Over Thirty-Five To Have Yearly Proctological Exams.

So call the babysitter right now–never mind that it’s a school night.  What was only a schoolgirl’s fantasy in the waning days of the 20th Century has become a reality in the second decade of the 21st.  In the most tantalizing of flavor combinations since peanut butter met chocolate, the fresh young fellows of best-selling boy band the Backstreet Boys have teamed up with teenybopper godfathers, the now-ironically named New Kids on the Block, to form NKOTBSB.  This awesomely anachronistic amalgam is greater than the sum of its parts, calculated to set hormones ablaze for the first time in over a decade.

PT EXCLUSIVE! A Sneak Peak At The Official NKOTBSB Tour Shirts!

The series of sexy initials has already released a single highlighting the boys’ persistent fear of the dark, ‘Don’t Turn Out the Lights.’  NKOTBSB doesn’t plan to stop there–a full-length album is forthcoming, followed by a rockin’ summer tour.

Prefers Hasselhoff To NKOTBSB. But What Does He Know? Hes A Deaf, Crazy, Deceased Kraut.

According to fans, the only thing better than NKOTBSB would be N’SYNKOTB, a combination of the New Kids and the remaining members of former boy-band, N’Sync, some of whose members have actually met success story Justin Timberlake.

Expected To Join The NSYNKOTBSB 2022 Tour, Filling In While Donnie Wahlberg Recovers From Gastric Bypass Surgery.

Don’t Turn Out the Lights:

NKOTB + BSB = Approximately 1,600 pounds of pure, unadulterated AWESOME.

World’s Lamest Super-Weapon Unveiled

13 Wednesday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

No, It's Nothing This Cool.

There’s been much oohing and ahhing over recently-released footage of what purports to be a US Navy laser destroying–eventually–an unmanned boat.  This technological innovation is welcome news for those individuals who have long sought a career in supervillainy, but lacked a doomsday weapon powerful enough to threaten the world itself.  Such enthusiasm may be premature.

We’re not so much disappointed as underwhelmed.  When it comes to vessel-destroying lasers, are we wrong to expect more Steven Spielberg and less Roger Corman?

Billions Of Blackened Ants Bear Mute Witness To The Fact That This Technology Is Hardly New.

Moreover, as with so many doomsday weapons, the MegaLaser has some inherent drawbacks.  Because a laser is highly-concentrated light, for example, if America’s enemies were somehow able to invent a technology which could redirect the beam, the lethal might of this ultimate weapon could easily be turned back upon its masters.

Damn, But You're A Clever Chap! Well Played.

TripoliWatch 2011: Give Temporary Cessation Of Hostilities A Chance

13 Wednesday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

The Roadmap To A Ceasefire: "We Have Bad Roads In Libya."

With the Libyan Crisis having dragged on for however long it’s dragged on now, the strain is beginning to show on all sides.  What is not known is which side–notorious dickhead Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi or the NATO-backed opposition–will crumble first.  Adding to the confusion, South African President Jacob Zuma has introduced an African Union-backed plan to end hostilities, the Roadmap to a Ceasefire.

Like Most Americans, The President Is Bored With This TV Show.

Acrimony abounded within the coalition after it was reported that NATO forces mistakenly bombed rebel troops.  The rebels contend that dozens were killed, but reliable reports say about four.  Even though such a small number was lost, it’s said to be a devastating blow to the resistance as one of the slain fighters, Faisal, was the only guy in the unit who knew how to drive a stick.

If There Were A 'Rebel Special Olympics,' These Guys Could Expect At Least To Get The Bronze.

Spokesrebels for the rag-tag band of unwashed misfits, perhaps thinking that the United States was still leading the mission and would therefore issue an immediate and abject act of contrition, claimed to have received such an apology.  NATO quickly denied these allegations, explaining that the official coalition response to the rebels was a request to “shut the fuck up” and a stern reminder that they were lucky more of their useless troops weren’t felled for target practice, and that moreover that only enough rebels were needed to keep AP photographers busy.

Much Of The World Sees Gaddafi As A Tyrant. To African Nations, He's A Checkbook.

Although the United States and United Kingdom have said that Gaddafi will not be part of Libya’s future, Africa’s leadership isn’t so sure.  While acknowledging that Gaddafi is a tyrant, a historical supporter of international terrorism and an all-around dick, supporters in the African Union are quick to point to the Colonel’s many good qualities, such as supplying their nations with large sums of cash.

Better A Home-Grown Tyrant Than A Benevolent Western Puppet.

This Day In History: April 12th, 1961 CE

12 Tuesday Apr 2011

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On which vodka becomes the first alcohol to be consumed in outer space.

Fun Fact: Vostok 1 Was Much Roomier Than Gagarin's Moscow Apartment, But Lacking A Leaking Roof And With A Better Supply Of Toilet Paper.

This Day In History: April 12th, 1861 CE

12 Tuesday Apr 2011

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On which South Carolinians use martial means to express their displeasure with the Yankee occupation.

This Wasn't Just About Slavery, But States' Rights As Well. Also Sister-Marryin'.

“Fellahs!  Fellahs!  We’re all Americans here–let’s remember to keep things civil.”

Hudgens Sets New Standard In Leaked Nudie Pix

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

We Only Bring This Up Because There Seems To Be Kind Of A Pattern Going On Here, But You Know They DO Make Cell Phones Without Cameras In Them.

Quickly following the theatrical release of her crossover bid Sucker Punch, racy photos of tween idol Vanessa Hudgens were released on the internet.  This makes an astounding third time the unlucky actress has seen her intimate photos leaked.  In an amazing coincidence, all three leaks have occurred while films featuring Hudgens were playing in theaters.  Despite being the victim, societal double-standards and Hudgens’ own status as a role model, should be enough to bring the blame for this incident squarely on the young starlet’s shoulders.

If You Rent 'High School Musical' Expecting To See Anything Like This, You're Going To Be Disappointed. A Lot.

Although they are few in number, Hudgens has her defenders, who point to her recent breakup with actor Zac Efron.  Supporters contend that the sudden absence from Hudgens’ life of such a juggernaut of testosterone-drenched heterosexual dynamism has affected both her judgement and libido.

Sometimes We Fear Zac Will Never Find The Right Girl.

Of course, the loudest voices will ring with scorn and derision.  Moralists will find much to condemn in these images, as will those who think the human body is a source of shame and sin.  But with the scandalous proliferation of internet nudie pix by such low-rent hags as Amber Portwood, isn’t it a bit of a nice change every now and then to see an attractive person naked?

Look--Your Best Shot Is To Go For 'Pretty On The Inside'--And We Have To Tell You, This Is Not Helping.

G’Bye, Gbagbo!

11 Monday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

The Outgoing President Expressed Regret That He Was Unable To Fulfill His Mission To Plunder The Nation's Coffers.

Closure comes today to the months-long standoff in Ivory Coast as forces loyal to UN-backed President Alassane Ouattara arrested former President Laurent Gbagbo, who had been steadfastly refusing to leave office.  The outgoing president is said to be in good spirits following his capture, although suitably embarrassed that his regime is the first in living memory to be successfully toppled by French troops.

With the electoral crisis resolved, this augurs to be a time of healing for the small African nation.  Ivorians are looking forward to a euphoric and all-too-brief honeymoon of high expectations before Ouattara regime transitions to a more traditional leadership role and begins to liquidate the country’s resources while engaging in the slaughter of his enemies.

"This Is A Time To Put Away Anger And Come Together As Ivorians. When The UN Leaves--Only Then Can We Begin The Wholesale Killings."

K-Fed, Serial Impregnator

08 Friday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula
Kevin Federline Picture

"I Have This Many Childrens Now!" Good Try, Kev--You Got A Little Closer That Time.

Professional baby-daddy Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline has likely spawned his fifth child according to a source close to the expectant mother, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince.  K-Fed’s brood currently includes two children with actress Shar Jackson and a pair with white trash survivor Britney Spears.

Say What You Will About The Man, But No Shortage Of Reasonably Attractive Women Are Willing To Sleep With Him.

Of the many roles K-Fed has played over the years (backup dancer, rap artist, career-killer) none appears to satisfy him as much as fatherhood, particularly since siring children is the only activity for which he has shown any measurable aptitude.  It’s a safe bet that K-Fed will continue to knock ladies up for years to come, so long as there remains at least one kind soul who will let him do it.

Who Will Be Next? "You Like Fridays? NO WAY!--I Like Fridays, Too!"

Bonus: K-Fed’s immortal ‘Popozão.’

That shit is fire, we assure you.
Po, Po, Po, Po, Popozão, Popozão!

Herpes Horror At Berlin Zoo

08 Friday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

Cute Little Bugger, Isn't He? Sadly, He's Dead Now.

All is not well at the Berlin Zoo, where recently two high-profile animals have met mysterious–and bizarre–deaths.  This is an embarrassment to the Germans, and a source of concern for animal-lovers around the world

The first casualty was Knut, the zoo’s biggest attraction.  The beloved Polar Bear lived a hard life in his four short years.  He was rejected by his mother at birth, but quickly taken to the warm and accepting bosom of the German people.  Recently, however, fans were shocked when the adorable ursine dove into the moat around his enclosure, never to surface.  The polar bear only a Teuton could love died of what is being called an infection.

Historically, The Germans Have Had A Hard Time Keeping Sentient Beings Alive In Captivity.

Following close on the paws of Knut’s demise came the sad news that another animal had died. Shaina Pali, a six-year-old Indian elephant,  was found dead by her trainer recently when he came to check on her at 7:00 AM.  Autopsy reports showed that she had likely died of elephant herpes, which is particularly pernicious in pachyderms.  The last person to see her before she died was new assistant trainer, Rolf ‘Cold Sore’ Stussenhimmel, who confirms that the creature appeared to be in good health when he last saw her, and moreover was in “a very good mood.”

Shaina Pali Poses With A Shrieking Barn Rat In This Undated Photo.

Hopefully the mysterious animal deaths at the Berlin Zoo will stop with Shaina Pali.  However, even if they do, something not-quite-mended has again been broken, and the German reputation for rigorously upholding the sanctity of all forms of life seriously impugned.

"I See Dead Animals."