Monthly Archives: September 2011

Who Killed Heidi The Cross-Eyed ‘Possum?

30 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Heidi: Too Beautiful To Live.

The Germans did, of course.

Leipzig, Germany–Heidi, the famed special-needs opossum, has died recently under circumstances Promethean Times deems mysterious.  The beloved monstrosity was three and a half years old.

We first encountered Heidi while researching our August 15th story, ‘Possums: Impossumable Not To Love, and like so many others, we were charmed by the malformed marsupial.  When at that time we expressed doubts about the level of care Heidi  would receive at the hands of the Germans,  we had no idea how soon those fears would prove prophetic.

Heidi died shortly after receiving a lethal injection administered by Leipzig Zoo staff.  The sentence was carried out on the orders of as-yet-unidentified veterinarian, who indicated that the creature was listless and unable to move due to advancing age, and that the killing was a mercy.

What's Really Strange Is That The Germans Have Such A Great Track Record. If You Don't Count That One Thing.

Others aren’t so sure.  “They’re lying to us, and the public is swallowing it up,” says opossum  ophthalmologist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi.  “You’re telling me that a three-year old opossum just ups and dies of old age?  Ridiculous!  I have a boy who’s that age–and I can assure you, he’s got ten, maybe fifteen good years ahead of him.”

Unfortunately, it may be years before an accurate picture of Heidi’s final days emerges–if the truth is ever known.  Until that hoped-for day, a shocked and grieving world must content itself with the inspiring memory of this brave creature whom God never intended to live.

You will be missed, Heidi.

The Leipzig Zoo Is Still Making Money From Its Freak Act, So In A Way, Everybody Wins.

Below are some images of the beautiful soul who was taken too early.  For proper effect, allow the YouTube video to play while you peruse the gallery.

Jabba The Hutt Mulls Republican Bid

29 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The Infant Was Snatched From His Hand Just Before This Picture Was Taken.

Republicans are giddy with the rumors that famed intergalactic crimelord Jabba the Hutt is mulling a bid for their party’s nomination.  Although the gelatinous gangster denies the rumors, supporters say that Jabba’s no-nonsense approach to fiscal policy, proven opposition to smugglers and fanatical hatred of unions puts him in good stead with the conservative elite.  Moreover, Jabba’s backers contend that although he is a grotesquely bloated slug with comically vestigial limbs, he’s still both more appealing and electable than Donald Trump.

"Plus, He's Got Better Hair."

What?  We did it to Elena Kagan, too.  Our shallow cruelties are beholden to no political party. ∞T.

The Harpy Eagle: ‘A Very Special’ Apex Predator

28 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula
Harpy Eagle (Harpia harpyja)

The Hardest Part Of The Harpy Eagle Conservation Effort Is Getting Them To Spend Their Relief Checks On Something Other Than Malt Liquor And Lottery Tickets.

Pity the harpy eagle.  Although considered the largest and most powerful predatory bird in the Americas, the harpy eagle is the underachiever of the raptor world.  Like the bald eagle, its more successful cousin who has enjoyed a better than two-hundred year run as the spokesanimal for the United States of America, or the golden eagle of Mexico, the harpy eagle also works as a national mascot.  Sadly, the harpy eagle’s best option was a position with Panama, which in addition to being a type of hat is apparently a country in Central America important as a maritime trade route.

Eagle v. Bear

The Bald Eagle Just Sets His Sights A Little Higher.

Despite the inherent badassery in being a big, tough eagle, the harpy continues to embarrass its predatory brethren through sub-par achievement.  Perhaps most telling about this slacker apex predator is its choice of diet.  How tough can the bird be when among its primary food sources are the worlds stupidest and slowest mammals respectively?–the opossum, that cowardly night-skulker, and the sloth, nature’s evolutionary doorstop.

Catching A Sloth Requires Less Work Than Catching A Cold.

Fuck Yeah!

New Evidence Reveals OJ Simpson’s Innocence In 1994 Double-Homicide

27 Tuesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, History, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

We'll Be Damned. Maybe Johnnie Cochran Was On To Something.

Los Angeles, California: New evidence released this week by the LA County Prosecutor’s office purports to show that presumed murderer Orenthal James Simpson is innocent of the allegations which have long clouded his name.  A patsy in a sports-memorabilia sting, the former Hertz pitchman currently languishes in the Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada for the crime of getting away with the murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, the latter who might have been Brown Simpson’s lover, or possibly just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It now appears that for the last seventeen years, the authorities have been actively seeking to frame an innocent man.

By The Time You See This, It's Already Too Late.

The news of Simpson’s innocence in the Brown-Goldman slayings poses a problem, say legal scholars.  Since Simpson’s most recent conviction was in large part–if not entirely–for getting away with the 1994 murder, it remains to be seen if Nevada courts will reconsider their ridiculous decision to punish the Juice for “stealing” his own memorabilia.

This Image Beautifully Captures The Juice's Humanity And Vulnerability In The Lovelock Showers.

Sadly, the news of OJ’s innocence is nothing more than a Promethean Times fiction–what those with less-charitable dispositions might call ‘lies.’  He’s guilty as hell, people.  You know that, right?

Much Like An Actual Dingo, OJ Will Eat Your Baby.

Driving Miss Lotus

26 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The public’s flaccid attentions twitched briefly in response to a recent viral video from China which shows a very young girl navigating an SUV on a busy street.  Although condemnation promptly issued from the four corners of the globe, Chinese officials admitted their hands were tied:

Local police spokesman Li Xiaobin revealed that there was very little they could do, under Chinese law.

“Kids absolutely are not allowed to drive,” he said. “However, as for drivers under 14 years old, we can’t give them tickets.

This is a surprising admission of powerlessness from China, which only twenty years ago set a shining example to the world as a paragon of tyrannical repression, a bloody trail of tank-mashed protesters to prove it.  However, in keeping with the spirit of the old China, one unnamed official did mention the possibility of re-education for the child’s parents.  Re-education, it should be noted, is one of the myriad Chinese euphemisms for “torture and likely execution.”

Some experts caution that the affair is overblown.  According to Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Council for Responsible Asian Steering Habits (CRASH), “Studies have shown that the average Chinese citizen demonstrates all the driving skill of a hydrocephalic monkey with a bad crack habit, so a bright four-year-old behind the wheel could only be a boon to public safety.”

A More Serious Threat To Pedestrians Than You Might Think.

Sweaty Balls Bunch Panties

23 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

It's Said That Once You Try The Chocolate Salty Balls, No Other Salty Ball Will Ever Completely Satisfy.

Counterculture ice cream pushers Ben & Jerry have gone too far this time. Heretofore, no one cared that they were eccentric–the public generously tolerated their confectionary love of dirty jam bands, which takes form in such bad trip flavors as Phish Food, Cherry Garcia and Bon-Bon Jovi.

Dippy-trippy fun is one thing, but outright filth is something altogether beyond the pale.  The Vermont ice-cream commissars have thrown good taste to the wind, naming their latest abomination Sweaty Balls.  In most cases we regard as silly those protests levied for moralistic reasons, and encourage potential protesters to un-bitch themselves and simply not purchase the offending product. However, there comes a time when the conscience can no longer countenance obscenity and rebels against the undermining of our most cherished values.   When such potty-mouthery is used to smear a wholesome, all-American treat like ice cream, Promethean Times must take its place among the righteously indignant and tell Ben & Jerry: NO MORE!

We're Just Saying They Could Have Based Their Product On A Wholesome SNL Sketch, Like 'Hans & Franz,' 'Church Lady,' Or 'Colon Blow.'

Update:  As it turns out, the product in question isn’t called “Sweaty Balls” at all, but rather, “Schweddy Balls,” based on the popular Saturday Night Live sketch of the same name.

In light of this, it is possible to view our earlier statements as something of an overreaction.  In retrospect, we feel like complete assholes.  We can only assume that other critics of Schweddy Balls made the same mistake we did, and that once they are apprised of their error, they will also have the decency to feel like complete assholes.

Seriously, Though--'Sweaty Balls' Could Put You Off Ice Cream Forever.

True Facts: Trees

22 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by in History, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Much like Rock & Roll or the armadillo, all terrestrial plant life originated in the Americas.  Prior to Columbus’ journey to the New World in 1492, the known world–Asia, Africa and Europe–was a vast, lifeless desert dotted here and there with huts made from goat-dung.  Although much of the world has now been overrun by invasive vegetation, dusty outposts like Algeria still cling to an older way of life, barren and unforgiving, just as God intended it.

The Great Explorer Was Astounded To Find That The Denizens Of India Require Not Oxygen, But Rather Carbon Dioxide For Respiration.

Facebook Games

21 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The single worst thing about playing Facebook games is that Facebook, unwilling to let you wallow privately in the admission that yours is a life devoid of any meaning or real human intimacy, trumpets the unfortunate truth to all your Facebook “friends.”

mafia-wars

Playing This Game Can Help You Achieve The Look And Lifestyle Of A Real Mobster: An Obese, Sedentary, Agoraphobic Turd.

IF U AGREE WITH THIS PLEASE REPOST IT IN UR STATUS 4 1 DAY.  I BET NONE OF R FRIENDS R BRAVE ENUFF TO POST THIS IN UR STATUS & LEAF IT 4  1 HOLE DAY GOD BLESS ∞T.

The Ballad Of Ron Mexico

20 Tuesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Lost In All The News About Animal Cruelty Is The Fact That Michael's A Bit Of A Dog Himself.

Perhaps the greatest unintentional porn name after Rob Lowe (say it fast) was coined by controversial dog enthusiast, NFL quarterback and convicted felon, Michael Vick.  Vick’s virile alter-ego was revealed to the world when Sonya Elliot sued the athlete in 2005 for knowingly infecting her with genital herpes.  It turns out that when the superstar quarterback checked into clinics to treat his diseased dick, he did so under the Diggleresque alias, ‘Ron Mexico.’

"What's That Ma'am? You Say You Need A Plumber To Unclog Your Pipes?"