Category Archives: News

Underage Hitman Is Idol Of Boys Worldwide

15 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by in Crime, News

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By Smaktakula

Most young boys dream of growing up to do great things: being a starship captain, secret agent or superhero.   In Mexico, one pubescent boy did more than just dream; laughing in the face of the naysayers, he did what the world thought impossible for a lad of his tender years.  He became a hitman.

"Yo Tengo Mi Mente En Mi Dinero Y Mi Dinero En Mi Mente."

Edgar Jimenez Lugo claims to have participated in no fewer than four beheadings as a wetworks man for a Mexican cartel.  Known until his arrest only as ‘El Ponchis,’ the hitboy is currently under extra security for his protection.

Lugo reportedly worked for Julio “El Negro” Padilla, a narco whom Lugo’s sister, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, was said to bang.  Padilla, along with other rising narcos such as La Barbie, came to power in the vacuum created by the killing of Arturo Beltrán Leyva.

No Es Bueno: It Turns Out That Being A Narco's Lady Entails More Than Just Carats and Coke.

Lugo came to worldwide attention after he and several other youths were identified in a YouTube video claiming to be hired killers for the cartels.  Despite an intensive search lasting several months, the boy was not apprehended until December, when Mexican soldiers arrested him along with Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo at the airport in Cuernavaca.

Authorities claim the pair were bound for Tijuana, where they planned to cross the border to see their mother (by some accounts stepmother), Yolanda Lugo Jiménez in San Diego.  Thanks to the careless pair, Mrs. Jiménez and her husband are now in the process of being deported.

That's Right, Barbie: He's Younger, More Famous And Has A Better Nickname.

However, no such fate awaits the boy assassin–if anything, El Ponchis may be imported: he is American-born.  Furthermore, the boy claims that his actions on behalf of the cartel were due to coercion, and that he had been drugged.

Whether Lugo is the maniacal beast that cable news would have us believe, or as is equally likely, if he’s just a big-talking kid who’s gotten in way over his head by giving the media a story it’s only too happy to digest without critical thought, he’s given young boys worldwide a benchmark toward which to aspire.  For that reason, we hope young Edgar Jimenez Lugo is found Not Guilty For Reasons Of Badassery.

Pussy.

This Day In History: December 7, 1941 CE

07 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by in History, News

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On which itchy trigger fingers within the Japanese Empire are at least a generation premature in precipitating a war with America, finding Greatest Generation Americans not to be the vacuous, lazy, self-indulgent whiners their children will become.

Forever Haunted By His Propaganda Work For The Japanese During The 64-Bit Wars And Ostracized By The Italian-American Community As An "Uncle Giuseppe," Mario Died A Broken, Highly-Pixelated Man.

So sorry . . . we come back later.

News of The Duh: Russia Declared ‘Mafia State’

06 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Wildly Funny Russian Comedian Yakov Smirnoff Once Compared His Adopted Homeland With The Country Of His Birth, Saying, "In America, You Can Always Find A Party. In Russia, Party Finds You."

Revelations from the most recent round of WikiLeaks.org releases have stunned the international community.  Among them are documents in which a Spanish prosecutor termed Russia a “virtual mafia state,” and said that he “cannot differentiate between the activities of the government and organized crime groups.”

Like Many Anti-Putin Journalists, Anna Politkovskaya Was The Victim Of An Unlucky Accident. The Elevator In Which She Was Riding Malfunctioned And Shot Her Four Times.

The prosecutor, Jose Gonzales could not be reached for comment.  This is largely due to safety concerns for anyone foolish enough to come within 100 feet of the doomed Spaniard.  Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert on Russian statecraft, said, “Mr. Gonzales has made an enemy of the Putin government,” adding that in 1940, Stalin’s government had gone to great lengths to plant an ice pick in Leon Trotsky’s skull, “He’s pretty much fucked.”

"You See That Guy? When I Was In Seventh Grade, That Guy Was The Editor Of The School Paper, And He'd Always Misspell My Name 'Poopin.' You Still Think You're Funny, Mr. Funny Newspaper Guy?"

Further allegations in the leaked documents border upon the fantastic.  So-called “oil experts” cited in the diplomatic cables allege that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin amassed at least some portion of his vast fortune through extralegal means.

Russian President and Putin stooge Dmitry Medvedev was quick to dismiss the allegations as “cynicism,” explicitly pointing to the US.  Medvedev further indicated that Putin’s longtime involvement with law-enforcement as a KGB officer makes him especially sensitive to the delicate questions of personal liberty.

This Putin Critic Died Of Radiation Sickness. What Did He Think Would Happen When He Unknowingly Ingested Polonium-210?

Russian journalists had this to say regarding the allegations:

. . .

 

"Come on--I Swear I Won't Be Mad. Seriously. Just Tell Me Who Said That. No, Really--I Think It's Totally Funny What Was Said And I Just Want To Know Who Said It, That's All. Come On, Tell Me."

The Cold War is over, and its authors long dead.  A New World Order rises, one in which the United States and fellow democracies Russia and China will share the responsibilities for creating the harmonious future we all deserve.  Until then, demonizing Russia’s tyrannical overlord is not only foolish, but possibly unfounded.  Unless Putin’s critics can produce a reliable witness, one who can be relied upon not to die prematurely, there’s little evidence that Putin is anything other than the gentleman he purports to be.

WHAT A COUNTRY!

Leslie Nielsen’s Death Inspires Sadness, Confusion

01 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Leslie Nielsen: 1926-2010

Evansville, Indiana:  Multiple injuries were reported Sunday night at Ye Owl & Boar Tavern in Evansville, stemming from a dispute surrounding the career of the late actor Leslie Nielsen.  The 84-year old star had died earlier in the day.

Despite Being A Canadian Named Leslie, Nielsen Could Turn On The Tough When He Had To.

Bartender Mort Travis described the argument which led to the brawl.  “The sound was off on the TV, but CNN announced that actor {Nielsen} had died.  Everybody was real sad about that.”  But things would not remain calm.  “Then Jimmy Durbin said the thing that started it all.”

According to several eyewitnesses, what Durbin is reported to have said was, “Of all the things that guy ever did, my favorite was ‘Mission Impossible.'”

"If You Believe In Yourself," Said Nielsen, "No Mission Is Impossible."

“That started everyone arguing,” says Travis, “Because Jimmy had the guy confused with another guy.  I’m pretty sure that guy {Nielsen} was in the A-Team.  You know who I’m talking about–not the black guy.”

Nielsen Remained In Demand During His Later Years By Always Bringing His A-Game.

The brawl resulted in several arrests and three hospitalizations.  However, by an hour before closing time, many of the fight’s participants were back upon their bar stools as if nothing had happened.

In all the confusion, it’s easy to overlook the salient fact underlying the fracas: a great actor and Hollywood legend has left us.  We’ll miss that wild and crazy guy!

"Well Excuuuuuuuuuse Me!"

Just think of the confusion which will arise when either Bill Pullman or Jeff Daniels dies.

Identity Of Guy Who Punched Obama Revealed

29 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, News, Sport

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By Smaktakula

"Let Me Be Clear: I Know We Haven't Been As Successful As We Would Like In Our Ongoing Efforts To Demonstrate To The American People Just Why This Is So Very Important. It's Time To Stand Up For Future Generations Of Americans And Say, 'We Have Had Enough With The Violence! We Don't Want Our Children To Have To Suffer A Busted Lip In A Pickup Basketball Game Like We Did.' If We Work Together, And Refuse To Make Excuses, I Believe We Can Make This World A Reality. Having Said That, Mr. Decerega Knows That He Committed A Technical, And That I Should Have Been Allowed Two Tries From The Free Throw Line. That I Was Not Is Really, Really Weak."

By now you’ve heard how President Obama took an elbow in the mouth while playing a pickup basketball game, requiring twelve stitches.  Although the White House did not initially reveal the identity of Obama’s assailant, later reports named the unlucky roughhouser as Rey Decerega.

You’re not alone in asking, “Just who the hell is that?”  For those unfamiliar with Mr. Decerega, he will best be remembered for playing “Paul” on The Wonder Years.

This Dork Dreams Of Growing Up To Be Marilyn Manson And Then Someday Punching The President.

Irish PM Admits Leprechaun Scheme ‘A Failure.’

26 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

"Oim Broke? Say Daht Agin Ye Wee Fooker, Un Ye'll Be Feelin' Me Shillelagh Cross Yer Gob."

The recent news that the Irish Republic would be requesting a bailout from the EU came as a shock to many observers.  As recently as ten days ago the government of Brian Cowen had strongly denied the need to take bailout money.

Herein Is Contained The Lifeblood Of The Irish People.

Why the swift reversal?  Was the government lying?  Although it initially appeared that the government was being dishonest and merely stalling for time, Promethean Times has uncovered a memo which suggests that the government in fact had every confidence of being able to extricate itself from its precarious financial position without resorting to a bailout.  The memo details the government’s secret plan for restoring financial well-being to the Emerald Isle: Operation Lucky Charms.

Government Ministers Had A Hard Time Agreeing On A Plan.

According to unnamed sources high in the Irish government, the plan was simple: Leprechauns.  If enough of the wee tricksters could be caught and made to reveal the location of their gold, the Irish financial crisis could be solved internally.  “The PM was mad for the plan,” said the source.

To American Children This Represents Sugary Goodness. To The Irish, It's An Actual Plan.

‘Madness’ may have been the right word for it.  It was soon evident that Operation Lucky Charms was untenable, and on Sunday morning a penitent PM addressed European officials, hat in hand.  When reminded of both his pledge not to ask for bailout money and his asinine plan for raising the funds, the minister said:

“Ah, Jaysus, did Ah say ull daht?  Sairry, lads–Ah wis piss-drunk when Ah teld ye daht.  Me fookin ed urts lahk ta thu bawlin beebee Chroist.  Sure un aw, but we’ll still be needin daht munney.”

When The Beleaguered Government Needed A Sober Head, They Called Upon Poet Shane MacGowan.

For now the Irish people are still in shock.  In pubs, Jameson and Guinness are quaffed without enthusiasm, and fist fights have become desultory, routine affairs.  A sudden, terrible sobriety has gripped the island, one that no amount of the brown can quench; in Ireland the party’s over.  It may be some time before Irish eyes are smiling once more.

"Fookitall, Lads. Oive Hud Me Fill Uh This Shamrock-Choked Hell Hole. Fare Thee Well, Boys--It's Off Ta Amerikay!"

Tonight, A Father And Son Are A Rittre Ress Ronery

24 Wednesday Nov 2010

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By Smaktakula

In Another Time, Another Place--This Could Have Been The Kims. Perhaps Then They Wouldn't Be So . . . Ronery.

In the dismal, crumbling concrete tomb that is Pyongyang, there are small but increasingly hopeful signs of life.  In a touching moment of bonding, dying despot Kim Jong-il is reportedly spending quality time with his youngest son and chosen successor, Kim Jong-un.  ‘Lil Kim is said to be teaching ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim about the trials and tribulations of statecraft by launching an unprovoked attack on a South Korean island.

Father And Son: Only A Few Short Feet Separates Them, But They Are Divided By A Chasm As Huge And Unrelenting As Heartbreak.

Said a North Korean ambassador:

“The Great Leader knows that continuity is important to our great nation, and he has every confidence that when the day comes for the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un to take his rightful place as our terrible master, the transition will go smoothly and gloriously.”

He then added:

“Do you have any food?  I would very much like some food.”

Launching a sneak attack against neighboring South Korea is thought to be an excellent bonding opportunity for North Korea’s two most powerful men, as Kims ‘Lil and ‘Lil ‘Lil are both fans of large-scale violence.  According to sources, the elder Kim wants to show his son that the international community will huff and puff, but that as long as the repressive third-world regime dangles the nuclear carrot, will stand by helplessly.

"Seriousry? You're Afraid? Now, Risten To Me You Stuttering Toad--If They Were REARRY Gonna Do Anything, They Woulda Done It Rong Time Ago."*

Sources close to Pyongyang, who agreed to speak to Promethean Times upon conditions of anonymity and after being provided with food, said that Kim is doing more than preparing his son for leadership.  “The Great Leader is hoping that by spending time with the boy, it will bolster his self-esteem.  When the younger Kim is feeling better about himself, we expect to see an end to his Glorious Blossoming,” he said, employing the official euphemism for ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil weight problem.

'Lil 'Lil Kim Awaits Reaction To His New PR Campaign: "Meet The Un-Kim."

*Please read here for more details on ‘Lil Kim’s unusual accent.

New TSA Procedures Hit Stoners Particularly Hard

22 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Tommy Won't Be Flying Any Time Soon. Not In An Airplane, We Mean.

The TSA’s  invasive new search procedure has yet to detect any foreign terrorists, and has ignited the passions of an already-frustrated air traveling public following a videotaped encounter between TSA officials and John Tyner.  Tyner, whose junk was apparently so sensitive that he took great pains to prevent the TSA from coming in contact with it, posted the encounter on the internet where it went viral.  The TSA has been scrambling to downplay the incident and defuse tensions.  But amid the maelstrom of explanation and recrimination, one happy piece of news is going unheard.

As A Pilot, This Gentleman Is Exempt From The Pat Down. Fo Shizzle.

Your next flight will likely be free of cannabis users.  Data suggest that because of the TSA’s strict new policy, most stoners–America’s home-grown menace, are electing not to fly.  In some very rare instances, a few burnouts are attempting to fly without bringing weed to their destination.

Having previously stripped air-travelling potheads of such reliable hiding places as shoes, toiletries, and false-bottomed beverage containers, the TSA’s new requirements take it up a notch.  By paying such meticulous attention the air-traveling public’s groinage, the TSA has effectively removed the last* method stoners have for bringing weed with them to their sundry destinations.

He Will Strike Without Warning Or Pity.

“I don’t think there’s any question that the flying public is safer without marijuana users on airplanes,” said an unnamed TSA official, “Can you imagine what would happen if one of those potheads began to eat another passenger?  That doesn’t sound too groovy to me.”

But marijuana activists disagree.  “Lame,” says Jeremy, a 21 year-old student.  “It’s fascist,” adds fellow student, 22 year-old Gooch, “The people aren’t going to stand for it.  I’m writing a letter to my congressman.  Or I will.  Right now Flight of the Conchords is on, so . . . you know.”

Pro-Marijuana Activists Contend That Visiting America's Shittier Cities Without At Least A Little Cheeba Is Unnecessarily Cruel.

Those burnouts brave enough to travel without Mary Jane are most likely counting on a hookup in their destination city.  Invariably, despite the best policing and preventative measures, a few of these bleary-eyed beatniks will have friends or relatives to arrange a hookup upon their arrival, or possibly kick them down a few nugs.  But the vast majority will reach their destination and be unable to find cheeba in an unfamilliar city.  They will have a really shitty time.

Perhaps then drug abusers will finally get the message. Marijuana ruins lives.

"When A Man Can't Just Crotch A Quarter Sack And Catch His Flight . . . Well, This Ain't The America I Know."

* There is another way, but it’s strictly for the hardcore.

Somali Pirates Claim Record Jackpot

15 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

There's Never Been A Better Time To Be A Pirate.

Things haven’t looked this good for corsairs since the days of the Barbary Pirates.  A group of Somali scalawags recently raked in a record jackpot of $12.3 million for the ransom of two ships.

The Western Hemisphere Has Ciudad Juarez. African Aficionados Of Violent Lawlessness Choose The Horn Of Africa.

Experts regard this development not only as a victory for Somali pirates, but also a triumph for proponents of “smart gene/stupid gene” theory.  “This is a very exciting time for fans of maritime piracy,” says scurvologist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi.  “What we’re seeing now are the naturally occurring results of the piracy blunders earlier in the year.  With more so-called ‘stupid pirates’ removed from the Somali corsair population, the industry as a whole has grown leaner and meaner.”

A smart-gene pirate named Hussein told Reuters, “We are now counting our cash .  . . Soon we shall get down from the ship.”  Hussein and his merry mates are sure to receive a warm welcome when they return to shore, as well as a harem’s worth of wenches, an age-old perk of piracy.

Somali Pirates Would Totally Have Their Way With These Clowns. And Not In The Way Johnny's Hoping.

There is historical precedent in appeasing pirates.  It was long the policy of the European powers to pay tribute to the pirates of the Barbary Coast.  This policy ended in the early 19th Century after various maritime powers, including the newly-reconstituted US Navy, decided that they could no longer tolerate the pashas’ shenanigans.

"Our Young Nation Has Broken The Barbary States' Axis Of Iniquity. Moreover: Screw You, John Adams!"

Most global economists believe that the growing economic clout of Somalia’s maritime piracy industry will not only pull the impoverished third-world hellhole out of its economic doldrums, but might also encourage other developing coastal nations to launch their own fleet of freebooters.

Because Sometimes The Ladies Want A Take-Charge Guy.

Once-threatened, the future looks strong for the Corsairs of Somalia.  Currently the G20 nations are discussing shipping quotas for the Horn of Africa to ensure that a healthy amount of traffic passes by the Horn to preserve the pirates’ historical way of life.

It Ain’t Easy Being The Tyrant’s Son

12 Friday Nov 2010

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By Smaktakula

Recently-discovered video footage from the 1990s shows the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un, future comical despot of impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea, as a schoolboy.  Although by this time ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim had yet to develop his ‘Lil weight problem, from the footage it’s clear that already the larval dictator was none too cool.

It’s difficult to say what will happen when an isolated, socially inept, resentful misfit is given absolute authority over a nuclear nation, but no one can doubt that whatever happens, it will be exciting.

Kim Jong-un Applauds

The Porky Pre-Potentate Got His First Taste Of Friendship When His Father Ordered These Three Old Dudes To Hang Out With Him.