29 Wednesday Dec 2010
Tags
mistaken identity, Teena Marie, Tina Fey, Tina Fey not dead, Tina Louise, yes we know that Teena Marie and Tina Louise are not the same person
Tina Fey is not dead. We’re sorry for any confusion; your emails are not needed.
The R&B Singer Is Said To Be Doing Fine.
29 Wednesday Dec 2010
Tags
Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, Gilligan's Island, missed opportunities, mistaken identity, musicians, Teena Marie, Tina Louise, Tina Louise is not looking so good these days, Was it any funnier when it was Leslie Nielsen?
Teena Marie died on Sunday of as-yet unknown causes. She will be missed by fans worldwide, not least by us.
To Our Thinking, The Male Castaways Squandered A Once-In-A-Lifetime Opportunity.
28 Tuesday Dec 2010
Tags
Beck's, beer, beer-based jingoism, Could you be an asshole?, domestic beer, douchebaggery, Europe, European beer, European cigarettes, Fat Tire, Firestone, foreign beer, France, French, Full Sale Ale, Gauloises, Germany, Jerry, knavery, Krauts, Marshall Plan, my country's beer right or wrong, pickled pig's piss is a delicacy in Europe, pretentious beer-drinkers, skunky beer, Smaktakula's alcoholic nationalism, stinky cigarettes, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, The Hun, things which taste like ass, United States of America
Not Only Does It Taste Great, But It Keeps Your Hard-Earned Money Out Of The Hands Of Europeans. Remember, You're Not The Marshall Plan.
If you find yourself uttering the tired line, “American beer is crap,” or some similar aspersion against domestic brew,* then–like it or not–you’re an asshole, and a pretentious one at that. While the typical mass-produced American beer tastes like pickled pig’s piss, a number of craft and smaller-production brews are available throughout the nation.
Do You Imagine That The Krauts Drink This Swill?
Listen–everybody wants to make a good impression, but advertising your love of expensive, skunky pisswater over finely-crafted but umlaut-lacking American brews heralds your ignorance to the world. Not only does such knavery piss off red-blooded Full Sail Ale drinkers and true-blue fans of Fat Tire, but it won’t impress the cute French girl you’re hitting on nearly as much as offering her a pack of stinky cigarettes.
Nothing Says "Culture" Like Ass-Flavored Cigarettes.
27 Monday Dec 2010
Tags
Adolf Hitler, Alaska, Alaskan wilderness, baby daddy, Christine Gregoire, douchebaggery, Emil Haagerdäddi, former vice-presidential candidate, Han Solo, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Joe Biden, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Luke Skywalker, missed opportunities, Moose, moose attack, Operation Eagle Claw, plot, RNC, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Secretary of State, sperm donor, The Empire Strikes Back, the plot to kill Hitler, United States of America, Vice President Biden, Washington State, Wasilla
They're Both Still With Us, By God.
Disappointment greeted the news of an unsuccessful attempt to doom Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin by stranding them in the Alaskan wilderness. Crushed supporters likened the effort to other failed historical long shots, such as the Nazi plot to kill Hitler or the disastrous attempt by the United States to free hostages held in Iran. Said a supporter of the plan, “It would have been worse not to try.”
Fact: From Certain Neighborhoods, You Can See Russia.
Several weeks ago, fans of shitty television were promised the reality team-up of the decade when vapid baby-factory Kate Gosselin visited gun-crazy former vice-presidential hockey-mom Sarah Palin in Alaska. Sadly, as most viewers of Sarah Palin’s Alaska already know, the highly anticipated meeting came off with more of a whimper than a bang, with Gosselin leaving the set after storming off in a huff. Recent revelations that the producers were part of a cabal which hoped to eliminate either one or both of the reality stars only add to the failed meeting’s disappointment.
There Is Precedent: This Unsuccessful Moose Attack On Washington Gov. Christine Gregoire Is Believed To Have Been Funded By The RNC.
Several weeks ago, TLC* paid to fly the increasingly uninteresting Gosselin and her brood to Alaska, where they would spend the night “roughing it” with Palin and a brigade of production staff. Plotters determined that a single night was best, fearing that Gosselin would balk at a longer stint. However, as so many have before, the conspirators failed to account for Gosselin’s complete lack of character; after complaining the entire time, Gosselin left a few hours into the shooting.
Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin's Mind Before The Bullet.
The plan’s authors contend that only an hour or two more would have been sufficient to spring the trap. “As soon as Palin and Gosselin had fallen asleep, all the supplies and crew were to be taken out on sleds, leaving the pair only the tents in which they were sleeping,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert with the Center for Conspiracy and Mind Control. He adds, “The plotters were still debating whether to take the children with the crew or leave them to fend with the doomed pair when Gosselin stormed off. It came so close to working.”
Kate And Sperm Donor/Babydaddy. Let's Hope The Kids Don't Get His Hair Or His Height. Or His General Air Of High Douchebaggery.
According to one of the conspirators, it was hoped that the operation would result in the loss of at least one of the annoying television fixtures. “Best case scenario, we get them both,” says a man who will only give his name as ‘Patchouli.’ But the plotters made clear that they would consider the mission successful if either Palin or Gosselin were removed from the public scene.
Most observers thought it likely that the former Governor would get the better of Gosselin in a straight up fight, possibly cannibalizing the former reality star. “We envisioned Palin cocooning herself within Gosselin’s carcass for warmth, in much the same way as Han Solo did for Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back,” said Patchouli.
It Was Thought That Sarah Might Survive In Much The Same Way.
But thanks to Gosselin’s mercurial nature, the strictures imposed by a television shooting schedule and plain old bad luck, Sarah and Kate’s Wild Wilderness Adventure is destined never to happen. The world will go on as it always has, new controversies arising to distract humanity from the old. Still, in the coming months and years, it will be nearly impossible to see either woman’s grinning image on television without wondering silently, “What if?”
According To Beltway Rumors, If The Plot Had Been Successful, President Obama Planned To Send VP Biden And Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton To Alaska Next Year.
24 Friday Dec 2010
Tags
"Want Some?", bad pick-up lines, Christmas, fat and stupid people, fat people, fatties, judge not lest ye be judged, losers, obesity, people of size, schadenfreude, stupid people, useless crap store, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, world peace
If We Could Be Greedy And Ask For A Second Thing, It Would Be To Eliminate The Kind Of Useless Crap Store Where You Might Purchase A Card Such As This.
It’s not any sweater, stereo, gadget, gizmo, geegaw, doodad or accoutrement.
It’s not cash or gift cards.
It certainly isn’t world peace.
Our sole and fervent wish this December 25th is a simple one: What we want is to extract a promise from nature, that no matter how badly our lives turn out, we’ll never, ever become this guy:
"Hey Ladies--Got Any German In Ya?"
23 Thursday Dec 2010
Tags
Anna Nicole Smith, Cletus the slack-jawed yokel, dumb, fucking idiots, great ideas, halfwits, Heidi Montag, helpful hints, idiots, intelligent people, morons, most folks'll never lose a toe but then again some folks'll, mouth-breathing halfwits, patron saint of the very stupid, retarded, slackjawed halfwits, stupid people, superlatively stupid, United States, United States of America, Why am I so stupid?, yahoos
Stupidity Wasn't Invented In America, But Like So Many Other Things, We've Made It Uniquely Our Own.
Stupidity never seems to go out of style. Our daily lives are inundated with such stupidity that fighting against it often is like trying to hold back a mighty ocean of inanity. But such has always been the lot of that societal minority whose IQ falls into the triple digits. Promethean Times has always argued the responsibility the non-stupid segment of the population bears toward the great legions who are. Sometimes the greatest kindness can be illustrating more fully the depths of an individual’s thickheadedness.
Some intelligent people have no compunctions about snatching the veil of ignorance from unseeing eyes. Although their manner can be abrasive at times, these brave souls risk the opprobrium of yahoos to make the world a better place. These days such revelations are likely to earn at worst a beating, but once upon a time that kind of talk could get you burned at the stake.
Others, more timid or introspective, have difficulty in apprising morons of their staggering and cretinous idiocy. It is for these non-confrontational people that we offer an elegant solution to this problem. By employing the Promethean Times Method, not only is it possible bring the shithead to a painful–but ultimately healing–self-awareness, but also to accomplish it by allowing the halfwit to arrive at the deduction by himself.
"HURRRRRR! I Can Count To This Many!" Boasts Putty-Faced Reality TV Grotesquery, Heidi Montag.
Executing the Method:
When the stupidity of a speaker becomes nauseatingly uncomfortable for all parties present, the intelligent person should say something to the effect, “I was with you until you got to that part about you not really knowing what you were talking about, and how you feel you’re a just a bit of an idiot.”
The reaction will no doubt fall along these lines: “What? That wasn’t what I said!”
Tell ’em, “Well, not in so many words.”
Try it. You’ll be making the world a better place.
Since Her Untimely Death In 2007, Anna Nicole Has Been Elevated To Patron Saint Of The Very Stupid.
21 Tuesday Dec 2010
Tags
Courtney Love, Donna Simpson, embarrassing parents, fat people, Guinness Book of World Records, Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara, people of size, Rajo Devi Lohan, reality television, Spain, Victoria Lacatus, waddling grotesquery, world's fattest mom
In The Quaint Days Of Yesteryear, This Is What Passed For Embarrassing Parental Behavior.
Across time and culture it has long been the accepted practice of parents everywhere to embarrass their children. Historically this has taken many forms, with parents finding some way–a dead-end job, an embarrassing religious or social affiliation, or being personally grotesque–to mortify their offspring. So it has gone since time began, and so it was assumed until recently, it would continue. But the current era’s tendency toward both permissiveness and cynicism means that parents must work increasingly hard to humiliate their jaded offspring.
The era of confessional reality TV ensures that parents can no longer rely upon being overly confessional (i.e., “Did Cindy tell you she was born with a vestigial tail?” or “No, I haven’t always been a woman . . .”), as today’s youth take any attention as a positive thing.
Nothing Is More Beautiful Or Natural Than Motherhood.
Nor does fringe-level employment scar children like it used to. In this age of unemployment and diminished expectations, no one is likely to be embarrassed that their father’s primary source of income is as a plasma donor.
Once upon a time having parents who were gay, super-religious, ultra-strict, nudists and the like was enough to mortify a child. But with society’s increasing fragmentation and constant search for meaning, a parent who embraces all of these characteristics is hardly unusual. Conventional wisdom says the era when parents could count on embarrassing their children is over.
Doctors Were Amazed Not Only That Victoria’s Massive Body Could Sustain A Pregnancy, But Also That She Found A Man Drunk Enough To Have Relations With Her.
But there are those who are still trying. These brave parental pioneers, or as some call them–holdouts, resist the defeatism of popular wisdom strive instead to find that thing which will induce shame-cringing in their offspring.
We’re Inclined To Agree.
Advances in medical science coupled with lapses in medical ethics are making it possible for old ladies to have children. The world’s oldest first-time mother,72-year-old Rajo Devi Lohan,* announced recently that she is dying from complications following the birth of her son, now eighteen months old. To her credit, Lohan has no regrets.
But there has been no comment from the eighteen-month old child she leaves behind to be raised by an even more decrepit husband. Similarly there has been silence from the orphaned 2-year-old twins of Spain’s Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara, formerly the world’s oldest mom. Bousada holds the distinction of having a name which takes more time to say than she actually spent with her children.
Silly Children! That’s Not The Grim Specter Of Death Grinning Down At You–That’s Just Mommy!
While having a ridiculously-ancient mommy delivers a massive dose of humiliation over a short period of time, some pro-humiliation parents are choosing a more measured approach: obesity. While obesity can lead to an early death, the human body is usually resilient enough to shoulder the load during child-bearing years, often keeping the parent alive well into their child’s adulthood. Furthermore, an amazing amount of posthumous humiliation is inflicted upon fatty’s children when several walls must be removed from the home before the corpulent corpse can be extracted.
It’s No Use Telling The Poor Man To Run–The Left Side Of His Body Has Already Been Assimilated.
532-pound heifer Donna Simpson is striving (figuratively speaking; the woman can barely walk) to become the World’s Fattest Mom.** Simpson, whose daughter Jacqueline will no doubt make her talk-show debut sometime circa 2025, claims that the Guinness Book of World Records is prepared to recognize her “achievement.” This claim could not be verified, and is most likely false.
Unless That’s Brown Celery, We Suggest You Put It Back.
Mothers like Simpson or Lohan demonstrate that the conventional wisdom is pretty conventional after all. Parents interested in continuing in the humiliation tradition would be wise to emulate either one of these women or better yet, to strike out on their own to discover wild new frontiers in mental scarring. And for those rare individuals who wish the psychic assault to ruin not just their children, but also generations of children yet unborn, can do their best to become Courtney Love.
“I Have To Do It, Honey! There Are Still People In America Who Haven’t Seen Mommy’s Cooter.”
10 Friday Dec 2010
Tags
air travel, assholes, Black Eyed Peas, Blackberry, boorish behavior, Charlie Estevez, Douche Juhamel, douchebaggery, Duchess of York, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Kentucky, obscure celebrities, pop culture, Royals, rude people, Sarah Ferguson, skanks, Stacy Ferguson, Star Trek II, untalented stars, Weight Watchers, well-endowed men
Smart Move In Locking That One Down, Josh.
Through no fault of our own, an insipid bit of pop culture minutiae has bored its way into our brain like those nasty little brain-eating creatures in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Recently, Promethean Times became aware of the existence of actor Josh Duhamel after the actor made the news for his boorish behavior. The hitherto-unknown-to-us actor is alleged to have delayed a La Guardia flight bound for Kentucky when he had to be removed after churlishly refusing an attendant’s several requests to shut down his Blackberry prior to takeoff.
Pop Culture Enters Your Brain In Much The Same Way.
We inadvertently stumbled across this story while looking for actual news, and since the headline didn’t indicate who the actor was, we were duped into thinking it might have been someone of note. We could not have foreseen that not only would our assessment be incorrect, but that we would be subjected to the forced absorption of useless and meritless trivia. We were no worse off for our previous ignorance of Duhamel, and are certainly no richer now for the knowledge.
Yeah, That's Kinda How We Feel, Too. We Were Fine Not Knowing You Existed.
We learned that Duhamel–whom we have trouble not thinking of as ‘Douche Juhamel,’–is married to Fergie, by whom we mean Stacy Ferguson, lead skank of Hip-Hop juggernauts The Black Eyed Peas, and not Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson, ex-British Royal turned Weight Watchers spokesperson turned embarrassing would-be access peddler. Moreover, we were treated to the information that the soulful slattern likes her men well-hung, and that Duhamel is deserving of inclusion among that select group.
Fergie Is REALLY Into Meat-Missiles. And There's Nothing Wrong With That.
There is such a thing as too much knowledge, especially if that knowledge is inconsequential. Most upsetting is the idea that in becoming aware of Duhamel, we may have forgotten something which really mattered.
There is a certain fear which keeps us awake in the cold dark hours before dawn. We dread that someday, when we are one correct Jeopardy! answer away from the championship, and Alex Trebek says, “This volatile television star was born Charles Estevez, but once had a movie career, starring in such films as Wall Street and Hot Shots,” we’ll answer, “Who is Josh Duhamel?”
Don't Judge. It's Just That A Man Grows Weary Of Fergie After A While.
It is our hope, then, that some of you reading this may also have been hitherto unaware of Douche Juhamel’s existence. We are pleased to share with you in this small, intimate way our pain.
09 Thursday Dec 2010
Tags
1st Amendment, Americans' self-loathing, anti-semitism, apology, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bunched panties, Filthy Jews!, free speech, hate crime, hate food, Islam, Islamic law, Jews, Kevin Bacon, Koran, meat, muslims, my religious values trump your liberties, North Carolina, pigs, pork, pork is Muslim kryptonite, Porky Pig, puppies, religion of peace, religious intolerance, ritual cleanliness, Scotland, special needs, unclean things, United States of America, whining, your hot sister
Get It Straight: Bacon Doesn't Love You. It's Only Hanging Around To Get A Crack At Your Hot Sister.
In American society’s quest to regulate speech in the interests of sensitivity and to answer the burning question Why are we so full of hate?, it must constantly reexamine various societal motifs and weed out those which have gained hateful properties. One of America’s favorite meats has undergone such a transformation: pork has stepped over to the dark side. It is now a hate meat.
So If You Were Trapped On A Desert Island, And The Only Things Available To Eat Were Either A Pig Or A Jewish Dude . . .
To Muslims, the pig is one of many objects and things proscribed by Islam as ritually unclean. Detractors of the Religion of Peace have begun to exploit this injunction. Pork-related anti-Muslim attacks are on the rise across the country, including a recent episode where the words PIG and CHUMP were spelled out in bacon on a sidewalk in front of a North Carolina mosque. For many within the Muslim community this was no bit of porcine playfulness, but nothing less than a direct assault on the peaceful teachings of Islam–a hate crime.
Not Quite So Literal, Jackass.
Some observers wonder: Are anti-Muslim activities on the rise, or has the Muslim community become more sensitive? The Jewish faith has a similar proscription against pork, and has no doubt suffered many of the same food-related indignities as have Muslims in its long association with American life. Nonetheless, we don’t hear as much about the hate food issue from Jewish people, who are perhaps more concerned with actual violence–sometimes perpetrated by Muslims–rather than imagined, symbolic violence.
While We're On The Subject Of Ritual Cleanliness, Let's Talk About That Beard.
In this regard, strictures on Muslim hygiene are much more severe than those of the Jewish faith, possibly the origin of the favored Islamic epithet, “dirty Jew.” Whereas Jews only have to avoid eating unclean creatures, and more obvious prohibitions like not fornicating with them or wearing their skins, Muslims go all the way, with some even declaring an image of something unclean to be an affront to the Almighty.
And Worst Of All, The Little Infidel Creature Refuses To Wear Pants.
The potential list of Muslim vulnerabilities doesn’t end with pork; Islam defines several objects and creatures as ritually unclean. Dogs, popular enough in the West to earn the affectionate sobriquet ‘Man’s Best Friend,’ are among the things the Koran has determined to be forbidden. In fact, in Scotland recently a police postcard featuring the image of an adorable police dog puppy created outrage in the Muslim community. The postcard was withdrawn and an abject apology soon followed.
Ritually Unclean Things Have A Similar Effect Upon Muslims.
This prohibition against dogs has also caused some Muslim cab drivers at the Minneapolis Airport to refuse to transport passengers with dogs. Some refused people carrying alcohol or who had been drinking, another Islamic no-no. There’s no word on whether these cab drivers refused entry to an unveiled woman or one who dared to have a job.
A Cruel Slap In The Face To Islam. Bad Dog!
As mentioned earlier, while Muslims are by no means alone in following strict dietary and religious procedures, they stand out by demanding that people of other faiths observe these same strictures. Orthodox Jews, for example, are religiously prohibited from mixing beef and dairy products, some going so far as to have separate ovens–and in some cases separate kitchens–for the two substances. Curiously, there has not been a concerted effort by Jews to prevent people of other faiths from combining these two food products as they see fit.
The Real Face Of Pork. Not So Pretty, Eh?
In a possibly-related piece of news, scientists have discovered that diets low in pork-related products may in some instances cause people to become whiny bitches.* Efforts to produce sausage from contrived outrage and self-flagellation have yet to offer tangible results.
We Acknowledge That Some Bacon Is An Affront To God.
22 Monday Nov 2010
Tags
America's shittier cities, bleary-eyed beatniks, burnouts, cannabis, crotch can also be a verb, demon weed, Department of Homeland Security, Don't touch my junk!, doobage, dope, Flight of the Conchords, ganja, grass, hemp, hempheads, John Tyner, marijuana, pot, quarter sack, reefer, Snoop Dogg, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, Tommy Chong, Transportation Security Administration, TSA, viral, wasters, wastoids, What the fuck TSA? Flying is scary enough already!, Willie Nelson
Tommy Won't Be Flying Any Time Soon. Not In An Airplane, We Mean.
The TSA’s invasive new search procedure has yet to detect any foreign terrorists, and has ignited the passions of an already-frustrated air traveling public following a videotaped encounter between TSA officials and John Tyner. Tyner, whose junk was apparently so sensitive that he took great pains to prevent the TSA from coming in contact with it, posted the encounter on the internet where it went viral. The TSA has been scrambling to downplay the incident and defuse tensions. But amid the maelstrom of explanation and recrimination, one happy piece of news is going unheard.
Your next flight will likely be free of cannabis users. Data suggest that because of the TSA’s strict new policy, most stoners–America’s home-grown menace, are electing not to fly. In some very rare instances, a few burnouts are attempting to fly without bringing weed to their destination.
Having previously stripped air-travelling potheads of such reliable hiding places as shoes, toiletries, and false-bottomed beverage containers, the TSA’s new requirements take it up a notch. By paying such meticulous attention the air-traveling public’s groinage, the TSA has effectively removed the last* method stoners have for bringing weed with them to their sundry destinations.
He Will Strike Without Warning Or Pity.
“I don’t think there’s any question that the flying public is safer without marijuana users on airplanes,” said an unnamed TSA official, “Can you imagine what would happen if one of those potheads began to eat another passenger? That doesn’t sound too groovy to me.”
But marijuana activists disagree. “Lame,” says Jeremy, a 21 year-old student. “It’s fascist,” adds fellow student, 22 year-old Gooch, “The people aren’t going to stand for it. I’m writing a letter to my congressman. Or I will. Right now Flight of the Conchords is on, so . . . you know.”
Pro-Marijuana Activists Contend That Visiting America's Shittier Cities Without At Least A Little Cheeba Is Unnecessarily Cruel.
Those burnouts brave enough to travel without Mary Jane are most likely counting on a hookup in their destination city. Invariably, despite the best policing and preventative measures, a few of these bleary-eyed beatniks will have friends or relatives to arrange a hookup upon their arrival, or possibly kick them down a few nugs. But the vast majority will reach their destination and be unable to find cheeba in an unfamilliar city. They will have a really shitty time.
Perhaps then drug abusers will finally get the message. Marijuana ruins lives.
"When A Man Can't Just Crotch A Quarter Sack And Catch His Flight . . . Well, This Ain't The America I Know."
Promethean Times 