12 Wednesday May 2010
Tags
bondage club scandal, GOP, John Shaft, Michael Steele, Papa Don't Take No Mess, Pat Boone, Republican Party, strip club scandal, Upside Yo Head
Michael Steele takes swift and firm action on the Republican sex-club scandal that happened like two years ago or something.
2 Parts John Shaft + 1 Part Pat Boone = Michael Steele: Upside Yo Head, Punk!
Papa Don’t Take No Mess. For More Than A Few Months, Anyway: FOXNews.com – Steele Fires Finance Directors Amid ‘Bondage Club’ Scandal.
10 Monday May 2010
Posted in Corporate Culture, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Humor, People, Relationships, Scandal
Tags
Cashew Dick, fight with co-worker, it's not the meat it's the motion, loser, Rolando Negrin, size of genitals, so sad, tiny penis, TSA worker
Rolando Negrin, a TSA worker apparently hung like a larval mosquito, became increasingly upset by jeers about his economy-sized penis.
Rolando "Cashew Dick" Negrin
Instead of going out and buying himself a really big American truck, Rolando went apeshit and assaulted his annoying co-worker.
While Rolando may not relish the attention paid to his unimpressive meat-missile, he will hopefully take some satisfaction in the idea that by beating on his co-worker, he at least got to manhandle a prick that was much larger than a baby’s thumb.
See Rolando Go Off Half-Cocked: FOXNews.com – TSA Worker Arrested After Jokes, Fight About Size of Genitalia.
07 Friday May 2010
Tags
Barack Obama, Contessa Brewer, Eric Holder, Faisal Shahzad, Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, home-grown terrorism, Islam, Michael Bloomberg, MSNBC, muslims, nanny state, Obama Administration, Obamacare, Political Correctness, Rachel Maddow, radical Islam, Tea Party, teabaggers, Terrorism
In the hours following the accidentally foiled Times Square bombing, Washington and the media let the world know just what sort of deranged maniac they were looking for: a disgruntled white guy. Remember: Timothy McVeigh was white. So was Ted Kaczynski. And don’t forget to add Eric Rudolph’s two kills into the shameful annals of American terrorism.
Since then, pretty much every major act of violent terrorism has been committed predominately (by which we mean exclusively) by adherents of Islam*. The current expectations among fans of Professional International Terrorism (PIT) is that whitey is due for a significant atrocity.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently believes that as with his legislation regarding which foods New Yorkers can put in their bodies, his own God-given wisdom trumps facts. Shortly after the incident, the mayor responsibly opined that while he didn’t really have a clue as to what happened, he was confident enough to prognosticate that the would-be mass murderer would turn out to be an American citizen bitter about Obamacare.
Bloomberg’s mistake is a reasonable one considering that the administration and most of the media have been warning that Tea Party radicals were going to try something crazy. The media has provided substantial proof for these claims, if one accepts incestuously recycled comments from other “journalists” as proof.
The world was shocked to learn that the alleged bad guy, Faisal Shahzad was not white, nor was he Christian. He was not a Republican, and apparently did not play college-level lacrosse.
After Shahzad’s lack of Christian whiteness was discovered, MSNBC spokesperson Contessa Brewer expressed dismay that the failed bomber was Islamic, claiming that certain groups would use that fact to their own racist ends. Presumably this entails spreading the false rumor that people of Islamic faith make poor terrorists. This is especially galling since Islamic terrorists are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to murderous thugs.
Brewer later backpedalled on her Facebook site, saying she simply didn’t want the terrorist to be of a specific race. It’s just that there was a specific race and/or religious preference that she didn’t want it to be.
In virtually the same breath, Brewer attempts to justify her statements by pointing to Bloomberg’s latest statements, admonishing Americans not to take out their anger on Pakistani Muslims. The fact that no major acts of violence against American muslims have occurred since 9/11 is a testament to the efficacy of this sort of pedantic, self-righteous nagging.
Still, until the Obama adminstration and the friendly press can return to the narrative of the white Christian as Public Enemy Number 1, there are going to be some downcast faces:
Thought That White Christian Prisoners Would Help Diversify Gitmo
Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?
This Guy Is Totally Bummed
Hopefully the next terrorist will look like this:
Why Is She So Full Of Hate?
Otherwise it’ll really screw up the narrative.
05 Wednesday May 2010
Posted in Crime, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, People, Relationships, Satire, Scandal, Television
Tags
Abby Cadabby, Baby Bear, Children's Television Workshop, I love to count!, lisping retard, mauling, Omle, Pat Robertson, PBS, PETA, Sesame Street, speech impediment, violent celebrities
Children’s television star Abigail “Abby” Cadabby is in critical condition tonight following an on-set mauling. A featured player on PBS’ Sesame Street, Cadabby is expected to survive the attack, but the future of her career remains up in the air, as do her prospects for ever flying again under her own power.
The Victim
The incident occurred on-set sometime after 2:00 PM this afternoon. Hard facts are still elusive, but according to eye-witnesses, Cadabby was mauled by co-worker, Whitman “Baby” Bear. Children’s Television Police Department would not confirm that Bear was a suspect in Cadabby’s mauling. However, a source with the CTPD confirms that Bear has been taken into custody.
Portions of the 911 call have been released:
Operator: Please sir, you’re going to have to speak more slowly.
Caller: {Unintelligible noises which may be chewing}
Operator: Sir, officers are on the way. I need you to calm down.
Caller: {shouting} Me am calm!
Operator: That’s good, Sir. Please, tell me what you see.
Caller: Me see blood! Me see blood! {someone screaming in background} Me see blood all over Hooper’s. All over the cookies! {sobbing}
The line remained open, and a second witness eventually came on the line. Here are some of the transcripts from that conversation.
Caller: Yes, it is very bad. Abby is screaming. She has been bitten many times. Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Operator: Can you see how many times she’s been bitten?
Caller: Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Operator: Sir, I–
Caller: I see one bite. One bite on Abby.
Operator: So that’s one–
Caller: Two bites, I see two bites on Abby. Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Operator: So it’s two bites.
Caller: Three bites, I see three bites on Abby.
Operator: So is it two or–
Caller: I love to count! Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Operator: I can appreciate that, Sir, but–
Caller: Four! I see four bites on Abby. Ah-ah-ah-ah.
The call goes on like this for seventeen minutes.
There have been several theories behind the vicious attack. Televangelist Pat Robertson opined that the mauling was “Clear proof that bears have no souls.” This is not the first time Robertson has angered some members of the Ursine-American community. Ultimately, Robertson blamed Cadabby, saying of the critically injured troll-fairy, “I’m praying that Ms. Cadabby makes a full recovery, and hope that she’ll see how her repeated use of witchcraft brought this mauling upon her.”
PETA spokesman Jeff Meriwether calls Robertson’s statements “irresponsible.” Said Meriwether, “It’s a classic case of blaming the victim. The Children’s Television Workshop is clearly to blame here. Mr. Bear is–and I can’t stress this enough–a wild animal. Keeping him on set under those lights for fourteen hours a day was asking for something like this. It’s a testament to Mr. Bear that this didn’t happen earlier.”
Baby Bear: A History Of Violence Toward Women
While the whole truth may never be known, some sources close to both Cadabby and Bear tell of a long-standing feud between the two performers. According to one source, who asked to be identified only as ‘Omle,’ Cadabby may have been provoking Bear in the moments leading up to the attack.
{Omle} saw the whole thing. {Omle} was taping {Omle}’s segment, {Omle}’s World, but Mr. Producer made {Omle} stop because Abby and Baby were making so much noise yelling at each other. It made {Omle} sad.
Then {Omle} heard Abby call Baby a ‘Lisping Retard.’ Then {Omle} could only hear the screaming.
'Omle'
Whatever truth, if any, finally emerges from this sad episode, it’s clear that the lives of two very talented performers–one clinging to life in a hospital bed, the other cooling his metaphorical heels in the county lockup–will never be the same.
03 Monday May 2010
Posted in Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Games, General Foolishness, Health, National Events
Tags
choking game, death by asphyxiation, drugs, Erik Robinson, hysteria, Jenkem, natural selection, overreaction, panic, sensationalism, wacky ideas, yellow journalism
The hidden scourge of America’s youth has claimed another victim. Erik Robinson died on April 20th after playing the ‘Choking Game.’ The rules of the game are sketchy, but it can be assumed that Robinson lost.
A ghastly situation like this one calls for sympathy and compassion. It would be in the very worst taste, for example, to point out that Promethean Times was ahead of the pack in spotlighting this pernicious destroyer of youth, and had Little Erik heeded this warning, the boy might very well be alive right now. It’s difficult to imagine anyone stooping to that sort of verbal thuggery.
Even more than critical than sympathy or compassion, however, is the need for blind, unreasoning panic. This situation is far too dangerous for America to stand by idly doing nothing. Something must be done, and quickly. This may mean entertaining hastily laid plans which will later take a tremendous toll, perhaps in terms of money, infrastructure or even human lives. The danger makes it worth the risk!
Don’t do nothing–do something!
And while you’re at it, be aware of dangers like the designer drug, Jenkem, which can be made using products found in the typical American bathroom.
30 Friday Apr 2010
Posted in Culture, National Events, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Race, Regional Politics
Tags
Abel Maldonado, African-Americans, Al Sharpton, Alan Keyes, Arkansas, Barack Obama, Black Leadership Scowl, black Republicans, Bobby Jindal, Democratic Party, GOP, Jeremiah Wright, Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, playing the race card, Princella Smith, professional race baiters, Project 21, race baiting, Republican Party, Republicans, Rick Crawford, Sinister Minister
Note: This story should not be confused with “The GOP Finally Getting Its Freak On,” which is a horse of a different color.
With apologies to Michael Steele and Alan Keyes.
Princella Smith is a young, female GOP congressional candidate in a predominantly Democratic district in Arkansas. And she’s black.
Maybe Next Time.
In addition to running Republican in a blue district, Smith is an underdog candidate in the GOP primary, running against Rick Crawford, who has already secured the endorsement of former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.
Win or lose, Smith’s entry into the fray can help the GOP considerably, provided she isn’t painted by the media (or by herself) as a bizarre novelty candidate.
Republicans have long been tagged as the party of old white men (an impression exacerbated by recent events). While Republicans counter this by pointing to such figures as the aforementioned Keyes and Steele, neither the perennial joke candidate nor the GOP’s beleaguered chief are particularly charismatic.
Also, while African-Americans do not vote or think in as much of a bloc as the media (or professional race baiters like Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Jeremiah Wright–all religious figures, interestingly enough) would have the public believe, it is true that the Republicans have done a lackluster job of reaching out to non-whites.
The vast majority of Americans are eager to put race behind them. Barack Obama’s election was supposed to heal America’s racial rifts and put an end to identity politics. The President and his closest advisors have been careful to downplay the racial element of Obama’s historic victory, but despite this the divide seems to have sharpened in many ways. This is no doubt due in part to the need for the aforementioned race baiters to reassert the racial disparity (because if there weren’t race problems, these guys wouldn’t get to appear on TV once a week or so with that practiced “Black Leadership” scowl).
Nobody Does The Black Leadership Scowl Quite Like The Representative From Maryland.
Candidates like Smith, Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal and California’s Abel Maldonado can only help to diversify and extremely stultified Republican party. Diversity–through organic means and not via odious and racially belittling quotas–could help to destigmatize the Republican Party in non-white communities.
That may be well and good for the Republicans, but how does it benefit the nation as a whole? Not long ago the United States made itself believe that the election of a particular black person would once and for all snuff the uncomfortable question of race in politics.
It didn’t, and it’s probably too much to think that a congressional longshot could exorcise an entire nation’s demons. It might not be too much of a stretch, however, to hope that Smith’s candidacy might draw awareness to moderates and conservatives within the black community. If such moderates and conservatives were given voice by the media, it would obviate the ostensible need for a race-baiting reverend.
26 Monday Apr 2010
Posted in Culture, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, Places
Tags
All-American City, City of Destiny, depressing cities, Ft. Wayne, hard times, Indiana, Mexico, Ohio, PNW, rust belt, T-Town, Tacoma, Thrice All-American, Tijuana, Toledo, Washington, Washington State
Toledo, Ohio
Ft. Wayne, Indiana
Tacoma, Washington: City Of Destiny
What does a city have to do to NOT be designated an All-American City?
Tijuana, Mexico: Future All-American City
23 Friday Apr 2010
Posted in Crime, Culture, Literature, People, Promethean Short Short Stories, Relationships
Tags
cops, Crime, flash fiction, Johnny Law, Jose Cuervo, living in squalor, police, Promethean Short Short Stories, Single Wide trailers, trailer parks, trailer trash
Heather sat outside on a chaise in deep sweating darkness, keeping company with her old friend Jose Cuervo. Occasionally she slapped at the mosquitoes orbiting her thighs, which shone from under cutoff Levis like marble in the moonlight.
Travis couldn’t meet her eyes when he finally returned home reeking of engine oil and bad business.
Not long after, she saw lights in the distance, watching them grow for a long time before the police cruiser arrived, wishing all her troubles could be so overt and so slow in coming.
Red and blue strobes lent the trailer a beauty she didn’t understand except that it reminded her of Christmas.
Her heart broke a little watching them recede.
21 Wednesday Apr 2010
Tags
al Qaeda, broken government, China, congress, Day of Rage, Day of Sternly-Worded Constructive Criticism, Day of Wrath, fascism, North Korea, Palestinians, pissedoffedness, President Obama, protest, Protesting Is Fun!, Russia, scabies, Weathermen
Many Americans think government is broken. President Obama pushes gamely ahead with his unique brand of doe-eyed fascism, despite the increasingly vocal resistance of the American people. Partisan rancor is de rigueur in Washington today, and Congress is only slightly more popular than scabies.
On Monday, April 26th, Promethean Times calls upon all Americans to take a stand against these myriad maladies by rising as one on in a Day of Sternly-Worded Constructive Criticism.
There is precedent: Palestinians had a Day of Rage (borrowing the term from American terrorist organization, The Weathermen), a protest against Israeli settlements. In Russia, thousands gathered in a Day of Wrath to protest against the unrelenting shittiness of their backwater nation.
The Palestinians Can Usually Find Something To Be Pissed About
Clearly, the “Day Of” phenomenon is about to take off, and America dare not be left behind. You can bet that her enemies in China and North Korea won’t be waiting; al Qaeda is no doubt picking out its own special day at this very moment. America must act now before all the really good words are gone.
Promethean Times would normally be inclined to call for a day of great anger not unlike those trademarked by the Palestinians and Russians, perhaps ‘A Day of Fury’ or ‘A Day of Ire.’ Either would be fitting. The American people, for so long rightly proud of their unique liberties and cherished freedoms, have seen their leaders give away their right to make their own health choices, and in turn created a new right for a small segment of the population: the right to subsidised healthcare. ‘Subsidised’ is a lot like ‘free,’–in both instances the recipient gets the service without paying. However, ‘free’ means without cost, ‘subsidised’ means some other dude pays for it.
So yeah, some honest-to-God pissedoffedness would be pretty welcome right now.
It Sure Is.
But as a nation, America is probably too apathetic to summon those levels of indignation for something as trivial as their constitutional rights. Americans reserve rage for the guy who cuts them off on the freeway, and wrath for a television network foolish enough to cancel a cult show. But sternly-worded constructive criticism? Americans can still handle that.
16 Friday Apr 2010
Tags
Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Barry Obama, chaw, chewing tobacco, congress, dip, douchebaggery, government waste, grandstanding, Jerry Springer, MLB, National Pastime, pissing away money, profligate spending, Rep. Frank Pallone, smoking Obama, snuff, spit, tobacco
A Douche Against Dip: A Lot Like Jerry Springer, But With Less Dignity
Apparently taking to heart the concept of America spending its way out of recession, a NJ congressman is calling for a hearing regarding the use of tobacco Major League Baseball.
Rep. Frank Pallone (D-N.J.), who helms the energy and commerce health subcommittee, said that the practice provides a poor example to young people who are baseball fans.
The disastrous effect seeing a handful of athletes engage in a disgusting habit might have on America’s impressionable children aside, it’s not clear why the grandstanding representative thinks the government should have any say regarding the use of a legal product by adults.
Now it might be different if the baseball players drew their salaries from the public dime, like this guy:
No, I Said Barry BONDS Shouldn't Smoke.
Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children!?!: Congressman to hold hearing into baseball and chewing tobacco.
Promethean Times 