celibate national bad grammer day

21 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By smaktakula

We Know Some People Like That.

it seems like nobody gives a care about grammer theseadays.  from angry rants on internet 2 billbords 2 newspaper articles our growing grammatical dumbness is transforming into a national trate trate and not just grammer but also spelling and other stuff

americans should take notice of this cause the rest of the world has.  they look with enviosy at are raw, untamed ignorance and say God damm those are some stupid basterds!  why than should’nt we all so embrace this disti uniqueness and have a special day wear we honor talking bad? lol

americans join us on friday novem. 31st to celibate are own thing or whatever were tired of talking l8s

In Case You Wanted To Know.

Totilly.

On The Plus Side, She Probably Won't Be Able To Read Really Big Words Like 'Rohypnol.'

Prior To Reconstruction, The Road Had Served As An Expressway To A Bright And Shining Future.

It Means Doin' It With Animals.

Ha Ha, But Not Really--English Nerds Don't Do It At All.

Just Like The Real Nazis. Except For All The Mass Murder.

We love you long time.  ∞ T.

Sperm Bank Employees Deserve A More Dignified Title

18 Friday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

We Didn't See This Coming, But You Must Admit, It Makes A Certain Sense.

Sometimes, all an industry needs to pick up its spirits is a new name.  When airline stewardesses realized they weren’t being taken seriously, they became flight attendants, with all the glamour and prestige the name implies.  Other industries were quick to follow; a secretary may have been prized for her shorthand skills and ability to fellate the boss, but an administrative assistant is a power-player within the company.  It continues: doctors are now healthcare providers, street musicians are buskers and housewives are homemakers.  Even bums have been jumped up to ‘homeless people.’

But at least one industry has thus far been left behind in the evolutionary progress of language: the sperm bank employee, those dedicated professionals for whom we jerk off into a cup.  Not only is their job every bit as disgusting as the minimum-wage schlub who mops the floors at Bob’s Dirty Book Emporium, but theirs is a profession mocked and derided at every turn.  Promethean Times believes that we can best honor these hard-working spunk-monkeys by calling them by a title befitting the dignity and prestige of their position.  We suggest jizzmastre.

Yeah, It Tastes Funny, But It's Full Of Protein.

Look, if you can call the perky young thing at Starbucks a barista and still keep a straight face, jizzmastre shouldn’t be much of a stretch. ∞ T.

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Photographing Your Junk

17 Thursday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

This Achieves The Same End, And Unless You Work For The Citrus Growers Association, Is Not Likely To Get You Fired.

If you’re the kind of dude who photographs and then texts pictures of his genitals, we have a hint for you.  Given the likelihood that your boudoir photos will someday resurface to potentially ruin your life, why not take precautions now to mitigate that eventual crash?

People Are Less Interested In The Indiana Whitesnake Than You Might Imagine.

We recommend making it a habit to carry your cell phone in your crotch.  When people inevitably ask you why you do it, say, “I know it sounds crazy, but a cell phone, like the human body, functions best at 98.6 degrees.”  Those to whom you pass on this fib will either swallow it whole or else believe you to be a drooling moron.  Either way they’ll likely leave you alone about it.  And by carrying your phone in your crotch–and more importantly being known as the kind of jackass who carries his phone in his crotch–you’ll provide your eventual excuse–‘Golly, I don’t know how that happened!‘–with just a smidgen of believability.

Are We Wrong To Want To Preserve Some Of Life's Delicate Mystery?

Flint, Michigan: A Great Place To Be Raped And Killed

16 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

And Rape. Don't Forget Rape.

It’s easy to feel sorry for Flint, Michigan.  The decline of the American Auto industry has hit the decaying rust belt hellhole harder than most cities, and the town that gave us Michael Moore, Sandra Bernhard and Grand Funk Railroad is but a bleak, violence-torn shadow of the bustling, can-do city of yesteryear.  It’s no wonder that so many people believe Flint’s best days are behind it.

Although Today The Band Is Just A Nostalgia Act, Flint's Grand Funk Remains A Sad Reality.

But this view, which relies entirely upon conventional thinking, fails to take into account some very real superlatives.  While Flint may be completely lacking in viable industry, a reliable police force or a functioning infrastructure,  factors which have previously been used to determine a city’s livability, it nonetheless possesses unique features ripe for promotion.  One way in which Flint has for many years quietly distinguished itself is in the fact that there are few places in the United States where you are so likely to be brutally violated or killed.

Most Small Business Owners In Flint's Historic Downtown Prefer Cash Transactions, So Bring Plenty Of Bills. Maybe Also Some Pepper Spray.

If Flint’s City Fathers fail to embrace proactive strategies, they will be unable to capitalize on the Michigan cesspit’s surfeit of violence and murders.  They would do well to follow the example of the Chinese, who use the same word for both ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity,’* and turn their wheels into the skid.  Like Salem Massachusetts, which, after years of avoiding association with its shameful witch-slaughtering past, embraced its dark history in recent decades and is richer for it, Flint could benefit from highlighting rather than hiding the tide of pain and misery running through its streets.  Plain old Flint, Michigan might not be much of a draw for tourists, but who wouldn’t want to visit Killtown, USA?

Don't Hold Your Breath. He Didn't Do A Thing To Save New Orleans, And We've Gotta Tell You--That Place Is A Whole Lot More Fun.

*While this is not entirely factual, the trope has been repeated so often that it might as well be.  ∞T.

Katching Up WIth K-Fed

15 Tuesday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

As it turns out, not much is going on.

The Formerly-Famous Fresnan* Is Seen Loitering With An Unidentified Woman, Possibly A Baby Mama.

* Fresnan: noun 1) a person from Fresno, California; 2) rascal, lout or douchebag.  ∞T.

I ♥ That Sweet, Sweet Ass!

14 Monday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

There's An Old Saying: "If You Can't Find Love In Zimbabwe, Take Yourself To A Place That's Not Quite So Shitty And Try Your Luck There."

Zimbabwe has worked hard to achieve its worldwide recognition as an unlivable hellhole.  As difficult as it may be to believe, Zimbabwe (formerly known as Rhodesia) was once one of Africa’s most prosperous countries.  However, since assuming power in 1980, race-baiting kleptocrat Robert Mugabe has managed to line his own pockets while driving the wretched country spiralling into an economic deathspin.

But for a brief, impossibly delicate moment, one young man thought he had found a little oasis of delight in this broken land of ruined dreams.  Sunday Moro was in love, his miserable life suddenly given meaning and joy through requited affection.  Sadly for young Moro, his was a love his neighbors in the village of Zvishavane simply could not countenance.

We Can't Really Blame Mayo's Love Problems On The ChocoFührer, But God Knows--He's Turned Everything Else In Zimbabwe To Shit.

Trouble came one dark morning at 4:00 AM, when fellow villagers found Moro making sweet, sweet love to his amour, whom, in a fit of kink, the young man had tied to a tree.  The puritanical villagers wasted no time in denouncing the lovers, calling their union “unnatural” and “an affront to all that is holy or even decent.”

Surprisingly, She Cares Not At All For The Donkey Punch.

The love-smitten fornicator tried to explain that, yes, he was fucking a donkey, but could provide an explanation he felt would satisfy his toughest critics.  According to Moro, the beast of burden had been an actual human prostitute when he’d picked her up the night before for $20 US.  However, in addition to being both physically attractive and a great conversationalist, Moro’s beloved was apparently a powerful sorceress, who transformed herself into a donkey shortly before the interlopers arrived.

According to the AP, Mayo said, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.”  Sunday Mayo’s unusual appetites can teach us all a thing or two about the mysterious powers of love:  not only is it color-blind, but also apparently non-speciesist.

"Where We No Longer Tolerate Donkey-Fucking."

Headlines 11.09.11

09 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

The Devil You Say!

Promethean Times’ semi-regular celebration of illiteracy–we read the headlines and skip the articles.

***

Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.

Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy.  It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.

Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.

The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.

What’s Not To Like?

Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this.  It sucks to be a college student in 2011.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Tramp.

German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that.  But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

They’ve Been Known To Let American Guests Stay For Up To 444 Days.

Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.

Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’

Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

How To Tell If Your Son Is Gay ~ Erasure albums.  Even one means the kid’s a homo.

Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.

Still Fat.

Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.

DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.

Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.

Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Despite Islam’s Proscription Against Pork, Some Dudes Have A Hard Time Staying Away From The Sausage.

MORE HEADLINES:

Nancy Grace’s Exposed Nipple Continues To Horrify

08 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

Would You Have Dreamed That A Squirrely Casaba Could Cause So Much Heartbreak?

The psychic trauma resulting from Nancy Grace’s Dancing With The Stars nipple-slip continues to reverberate across the globe.  Grace’s errant ‘Horreola’ has instigated even more collateral damage than previously believed.

As evidence, we point to the dozen or so viewers who have recently written to the FCC complaining about Grace’s slightly exposed knocker.  Among the audience’s grievances were an anger that the dimwitted news personality “displayed her pornographic breast and nipple on national television,” and that the gruesome display  “scared my children.”

The Boob Won't Put Your Eye Out. You'll Do That Yourself.

Promethean Times holds the female breast in the highest regard.  Breasts feed our children, fill out sweaters and parade with surprising frequency through the sweaty imaginations of men, giving America’s male portion of the workforce a regular distraction from the soul-crushing drudgery of work.  Breasts have brought about the Fall of Troy, maintained the popularity of the guitar and made Benny Hill watchable.  They are a force of nearly mystic import, with powers both beneficent and malign.  Nancy Grace appears to have used her breasticular powers for evil, and a scarred public is still paying the price.

Too Little, Too Late.

To Catch A Philanderer

07 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

"Fellas, Make Sure There's Some Grass On The Field Before You Play Ball."

Smarmy pretend-cop Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife for a second time.  Although we don’t have anything particularly trenchant or witty to say about this, we feel that if you’re gonna pass yourself off as a sanctimonious do-gooder who entraps and then humiliates on national television the guy next door for crimes he has yet to commit, it’s probably best that yours is a life above reproach.

d
A twenty-year-old who has sex with a sixteen-year-old is a rapist.  A fifty-two-year-old married father of two who has sex with that same twenty-year-old is a TV host. ∞ T.