26 Friday Aug 2011
Tags
...you never go back, Bitch better have my money, good thing, Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg, unlikely pairings
For one thing, she never went back.
This Little Scene Of Domestic Bliss Is Called "Bitch Better Have My Pudding."
26 Friday Aug 2011
Tags
comical despots, Condoleezza Rice, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, sand despot, Secretary of State, stalker's Bible, three-humped camel, TMI, Tripoli, United States of America, unrequited affection, you got a real purty mouth
All This And A Really Bitchin' Tent. Who Wouldn't Want To Hit It With The Colonel?
For the second time in months, the public has been treated to a TMI-moment courtesy of a sun-addled madman. First there was the protein-drenched horror of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistani whack-shack, which forced a disgusted audience to envision the leader of the Evil Ones waging his own single-handed jihad upon the one-eyed infidel. Now, the chaotic events in Libya have elevated the carnal cravings of another evil bastard into public view. It seems that deranged sand-despot Muammar al-Gaddafi has a crush on a certain American gal.
Gaddafi Unsuccessfully Attempts To Lure Rice Into The Desert To Perform The Ancient Ritual Of The Three-Humped Camel.
Fleeing his compound ahead of blood-crazed rebels, Gaddafi was forced to abandon several objects of deep personal significance. Among these was a stalker’s Bible in the form of a scrapbook filled with pictures of Stanford professor Condoleezza Rice, whom Gaddafi once called “my darling black African woman.” The former US Secretary of State, who is very much available, declined to comment.
We're Not Sure Why The Tough, NFL-Loving Former Secretary Of State Is Unmarried At 56. Perhaps She Just Hasn't Met The Right Oil Despot Yet.
25 Thursday Aug 2011
Tags
Could you be an asshole?, douchebaggery, gratitude, ingratitude, Jimmy Fallon, Nick Burns, you're welcome
If you’ve ever said to someone “You’re welcome” without first being thanked, you’re most likely an asshole.
But We Thought That Simply Not Kicking You In The Nuts Was Thanks Enough.
24 Wednesday Aug 2011
Tags
California, childish sexual innuendo, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fisting, Frisco, fun with stereotypes, gay meccas, gay people, gay rankings, homosexuality, leather daddies, Minneapolis, Oakland, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, St. Louis, the Advocate, they love to hear it called Frisco
It's Sometimes Difficult To Take Bad News With Good Grace.
Who’s taken all the gay from the Bay? The question has haunted the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco since last January’s gay audit, in which the flamboyant city suffered a humiliating downgrade.
Honey, Please--Don't You Read The Papers? We've Got Real Problems.
In a nationwide survey, gay-themed magazine, the Advocate, tested the gayness quotient of several American cities. San Francisco, or ‘Frisco’ as locals lovingly call it, came in a disappointing 11th, behind such gay meccas as St. Louis, Pittsburgh and America’s #1 gay city, Minneapolis.
SF's Got Its Panties All Up In A Bunch. That's No Easy Feat With Studded Leather.
This unhappy news struck San Francisco’s hometown homos like an unlubricated fist, leaving many with feelings of betrayed resentment. Activists are quick to point out that without San Francisco’s brave example in the 1960s and 1970s, gay people might not find the top ten cities quite so hospitable today. This view fails to take into account that the public has the memory span of a syphilitic goldfish.
It's Not The First Place We'd Look To Find Gay People.
Controversy aside, the study has provided data which shatter preconceived notions about gay life. The fact that cities like Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Oakland are among the top fifteen cities in the nation that homosexuals call home effectively puts an end to the degrading stereotype that gay people only live in nice places.
Relax. No Matter What Happens To The City, You'll Always Be The World's Gayest Baseball Team.
23 Tuesday Aug 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
carelessness, conflagration, death by automobile, death by truck, distracted drivers, foolish choices, tanker trucks, unfortunate ways to die
A jarringly useless and embarrassing way to die is in a fiery conflagration set in motion when you become mesmerized by your own car’s image in the highly-reflective back of a particularly shiny tanker truck.
When The Tiny Car In This Picture Grows Abruptly Large, It's Past Time To Apply The Brakes.
22 Monday Aug 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
advertising, Canada, Christianity, coffee, coffee culture, Columbia, culture, Guatemala, It City, Ivory Coast, King County, Lewis County, Mexico, Pierce County, places that suck, poseur, Seattle, Seattle's Best Coffee, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, Snohomish County, Starbucks, T-Town Forever, Thurston County, Uganda, United States of America, urine, Vietnam, Washington, you suck so bad Lewis County so so bad
But Not As Much As Seattle ♥s Itself.
No American city is more closely associated with coffee and coffee culture than is snobbish Seattle, Washington. From the Emerald City’s brief turn as America’s self-obsessed ‘It City’ in the 1990s, certain aspects of the Seattle phenomenon persist into modern times. Of these, perhaps none is so undeserved as Seattle’s reputation as a coffee Mecca. The practically-Canadian city is thousands of miles from the nearest coffee crop.
Much Like, Say, Christianity Or South-East Asia, Coffee Has A Distinctive, Important Culture.
This delusion manifests itself in the cancer-like proliferation of Starbucks, and in the tellingly-named Seattle’s Best Coffee. The city has seized upon an advertising vacuum created by the marketing unsuitability of actual coffee-producing countries. After all, most Americans aren’t aware that Uganda, Ivory Coast or Guatemala even exit. Vietnam is out, having achieved the rare distinction of beating the US in a war. Likewise, the slogan “Columbia’s Best,” would undoubtedly infringe upon trademarks already owned jointly by various cocaine cartels. And of course, advertising Mexican-grown coffee is a non-starter, largely because Americans are already up to their eyeballs in unscheduled Mexican imports.
Ewwww. You're Gonna Wash Those First, Right?
For Reals: Promethean Times ♥s Seattle
19 Friday Aug 2011
Tags
70's era machismo, bad toupee, Bennigan's, Bill Clinton, Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, Florida, gold digger, hard times, has-beens, Liza Minelli, machismo, Me Generation, moochers, mortgage, mustache rides, the reek of the homeless, tiresome anachronism, Where Are They Now?
Or Just Give Him A Place To Crash Until He Gets Things Together. You Know, Whatever.
Mustachioed 70s fixture Burt Reynolds claims to be surprised to find that his Florida mansion is in foreclosure, despite not having made a mortgage payment since September of last year. Times are lean for the toupee-abusing former icon of Me-Generation machismo, whose last tolerable film came during the Clinton years.
Burt Stands To Lose Everything.
There is concern for the actor’s future among those who are closest to Reynolds, such as Kate the Bennigan’s bartender or the kid who deliver’s the former personality’s newspaper. The fear is that the soon-to-be homeless Reynolds will before long be huddling desperately for warmth beneath an overpass, now that Dom DeLuise‘s couch is unavailable.
"We Have Some Great Times Together, Don't We? I've Got A Crazy Idea, Babe, And I Think We Should Just Go For It. What Do You Think About Maybe Living Together For A Little While?"
Mustache Rides Now $1.50.
18 Thursday Aug 2011
Tags
actors, Americans, childish sexual innuendo, choking the chicken, cock, creepy old perverts, douchebaggery, Emil Haagerdäddi, Frenchman, Gèrard Depardieu, golden showers, has-beens, Paris, Paris is a sewer, places that suck, public urination, Robert "Sandy" Vietze, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, United States of America, urination, World's Rudest People, your mother must be very proud
Smooth Move, Ex-Lax. Your Mère Must Be Very Proud.
Bloated French nonentity Gèrard Depardieu attempted to make a splash Tuesday morning in what appears to be a copycat urination attack. The sweaty Euro-pérvert, inexplicably famous for something somewhere, apparently mistook an airplane aisle for a Paris sidewalk, and began to urinate indiscriminately.
Depardieu, Who Often Displays His Cock In Public, Is Seen Here Choking His Chicken.
Depardieu’s boorish behavior marks the second airplane-related act of urination in the past several days. It has been speculated that the blobbish thespian, who has repeatedly expressed fears that the French are ceding their status as World’s Rudest People to America, was trying to one-up US pissing sensation Robert “Sandy” Vietze.
When You Look At Depardieu's Previous indiscretions, This One Seems Tiny And Insignificant.
If so, this was a mistake says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, director of the Harvard Urine Fellowship. “As with so many things,” Haagerdäddi says, “America did it first and did it better,” explaining that the portly Frenchman couldn’t hope to execute a difficult public urination with the same grace as Vietze, who is both much younger and a trained athlete.
We Hope That In The Future, Depardieu Will Avail Himself Of A More Proper Toilet.
17 Wednesday Aug 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
abortion, Antichrist, binge drinking, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, closeted celebrities, Delhi, Florida, gay people, Greece, headlines, India, Janet Reno, Justin Bieber, lesbians, Lesbos, Lottery tickets, marriage, Michelle Bachmann, NASA, Pope Benedict XVI, prostitution, Queen Latifah, San Francisco, smelly hair syndrome, the Greatest Generation, Tiny Tim, Twitter, ukeleles, Usher
. . . If You’re Going To San Francisco, You’re Going To Meet Some Gentle People There . . .
User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, sad-sack–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation. It probably feels better to know, huh?
Can Twitter Save NASA? ~ Don’t be a child; of course it can’t.
Mother Buried 15 Years Ago Found Alive in Florida ~ Florida in August is its own kind of death.
US women know July 10 is their day ~ Super. Another important date for us to forget.
First Person: the Sweet Charms of the Ukulele ~ Just what drugs are you on, Tiny Tim?
The Ukulele’s Sole Function Is To Terrify Small Children.
Spectators shout “Killer!” as she leaves jail property ~ No one is sure what Janet Reno was doing there.
Black bear trapped in SLO neighborhood shot dead ~ Tensions are high, and polar bears are advised to stay home after dark.
Mormon leader jailed for life for sex with child brides ~ Life won’t change all that much. There will still be plenty of sex, only now he’ll be someone else’s baby.
Bachmann’s Church Says the Pope is the Antichrist ~ Pfft. We say that all the time.
Queen Latifah Says Gay Is the New Black ~ So is Queen Latifah finally admitting she’s, um, black?
Guess Which Greek Island The Ladies Will Be Visiting During Their Vacation? No, It’s Not Crete Or Corfu. It’s Not Rhodes Or Andros, Either.
The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against ‘The Greatest Generation,’ go for the hips–they’re fragile.
9 things you shouldn’t say to your child ~ Curiously, they all start with ‘I should have gotten that abortion.’
Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.
Meet Europe’s record-breaking (and cute!) lottery winners ~ Being a lottery winner goes a long way toward making you cute.
Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion reasons.
‘Delhi’ Rhymes With ‘Smelly.’ It Should Rhyme With ‘God-Awful Stink.’
Despite priest’s dark past, he was given ample time to find new victims ~ Which is cool, because we believe in second chances.
83-Year-Old Gets Breast Implants to Keep Up With Kids ~ It’s a race to see who can commit the biggest affront to all that is decent and right.
Binge drinking ‘can damage memory skills’ in teen girls ~ It’s ‘judgement’ that teen boys want to affect. Memory is just gravy.
Prostituted child leaves ‘game’ for good ~ We don’t believe it. Justin Bieber loves showbiz too much.
“Thass Right, Just Two Bills For This Sweet Piece Of Ass.”
Police: Teen Killed Parents, Hid Bodies During House Party ~ Yeah, but that shit was off the hook!
The history of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ ~ It’s pretty gay, but we don’t like to talk about it.
California Bay Area Mansions Are in High Demand, Due to Tech Boom ~ Wait for the inevitable bust and snatch one up for a song.
What Is ‘Smelly Hair Syndrome? ~ Sounds like a childish euphemism for poontang, which itself is a childish euphemism for cooter.
And Now We See It Everywhere.
16 Tuesday Aug 2011
Tags
cancer, childish, crude, douchebaggery, foolish choices, golden showers, New York, Olympics, On Golden Pond, Oregon, poor impulse control, Portland, public urination, R. Kelly, Robert "Sandy" Vietze, skiing, smooth move Ex-Lax, Team USA, urination
Vietze's Career Is Golden And Smells Of Ammonia.
Talented downhiller Robert “Sandy” Vietze found out too late that when he urinated on a little girl during a flight to New York, he was also pissing all over his once-promising Olympic career. The elite skier, 18, reportedly traded Olympic gold for a golden shower when he hosed down the sleeping 11-year-old during a redeye flight from Portland.
It Happened Pretty Much Like This.
Although he has been removed from the US Team roster,Vietze will likely escape prosecution because the girl, who was travelling to New York with her cancer-stricken father, is to too traumatized to provide evidence. She and her family are trying to make the best of this horrifying experience.
When You Wake Amid A Golden Shower, It Can Seem Overwhelming.
Vietze is obviously concerned about that public reaction to the incident not be overblown, claiming that his actions were inadvertent and completely out of character. The athlete doesn’t want to be painted as irresponsible, explaining that he had no way of knowing that the eight alcoholic drinks he consumed immediately before takeoff would have such a profound affect on his judgement.
R. Kelly Also Likes To Pee On Little Girls, But Unlike Vietze, He'll Make Honest Women Of Them.
Promethean Times 