13 Tuesday Sep 2011
Tags
cartoons, cocaine, drugs, Lion-O, Mumm-Ra, Orko, Snarf, television characters, ThunderCats, true facts
"Lion-OYouJustDon'tGetItMan!Mumm-Ra'sWatchingUsRightNowMan.AlwaysWatching! HeyWho'sGonnaGiveSnarfALittleBump?"
The ThunderCats‘ grating mascot, Snarf, had a coke habit like you wouldn’t believe–hence the nickname. He was replaced on final season of the show’s original run by Orko.
"I Just May Be The Lamest Character Ever!"
23 Saturday Jul 2011
Tags
Amy Winehouse, Celebrity Death Watch, dead celebrities, death by old age, death by overdose, drugs, untimely deaths, Who could have seen this coming?
On The Bright Side, Nobody's Gonna Try To Make Her Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No.
19 Tuesday Jul 2011
Tags
ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII
Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.
Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.
Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.
36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last. I wish I were dead.”
Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.
“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”
Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.
Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.
Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.
Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.
He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.
Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!
Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.
Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’ ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”
Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!
At Least He Fed Them Well.
MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal piss.
What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.
Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?” *** “How do you think? Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you. God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”
Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.
05 Tuesday Jul 2011
Tags
bad decisions, chicken, cocaine, coke, drugs, Florida, guns, idiots, multitasking, perfect storm of stupidity, police car, poor judgement, Shawn Smith, Why am I so stupid?
He's Right To Look Dejected: The Man's A Fucking Idiot.
On June 10th, 2011, a perfect storm of stupidity caught luckless moron Shawn Smith in its pitiless grasp. Smith’s troubles began when his car nearly collided with a police car, leading to a traffic stop. The cataclysmically-retarded Floridian no doubt regrets the erratic driving caused in no small part by his failure to maintain control of his automobile while engaged in a spirited cell phone conversation and enjoying a delicious chicken dinner. He likely also regrets the pile of cocaine and the multiple handguns which the cop subsequently found in his vehicle.
Cocaine: It Can Make You Do Stupid Shit.
01 Wednesday Jun 2011
Tags
Burt Bacharach, Cher, cocaine, decadence, drugs, fading glory, gold digger, Hef, Hugh Hefner, Izabella St. James, living in squalor, old people, Playboy, porn empire, pornography, senility, sexual dysfunction, skanks, Sylvia Miles, Viagra
Hot, Retarded And Completely Lacking Dignity?--Yes. Discrete? No.
According to his former floozy Izabella St. James, Hugh Hefner doesn’t just look, smell and act like an incontinent old man–he makes love like one as well. In her cleverly titled new book, Bunny Tales, St. James claims that the 84 year-old is a sexual ‘Dead Fish’ who simply lies on the bed while a nubile and semi-retarded teenager humps him furiously.
St. James’ revelations shatter more than just the popular image of Hef as a ladies’ man and all-around-stud. According to Hef’s former harlot, even the famed Playboy Mansion has seen its luster fade. The once-fabulous pleasure palace of 10,000 delights is now a shabby and echoing ruin, festooned with dogshit and reeking of urine.
The Playboy Mansion Has Seen Better Days
Hefner lost his virginity at the decidedly un-swinging age of 22, and has spent the next six decades attempting to account for this tardiness. During Playboy’s Watergate-era heyday, the Mansion would throb with orgiastic depravity while sill managing an air of class and swinging sophistication. And Hef–whether he was snorting lines off Cher’s ass or balls-deep in a group-grope with Sylvia Miles and Burt Bacharach–was right in the middle of it all.
Thanks To A Combination Of Dementia And Cataracts, This Is The Face Hef Sees In The Mirror Every Morning.
But forty years is a long time–a lifetime in third-world countries–and not even Hefner’s famed virility could withstand the implacable ravages of time. The miracles of modern science, most particularly Viagra, have allowed Hef to make a pretense of his old existence by breathing life into the old man’s withered dingus.
But science has no answer for the rest of Hef’s age-related ailments. And now, Hef uses his dwindling fortune to make a charade of the life which for one musk-drenched moment in time saw him on top of the world. He perpetuates this rather sad fantasy in the vain hope not to stave off time, but to help him forget that he’s a crumbling old man with the hearty, virile penis of a healthy sixty-five year old.
i roted this books all by myself lol
25 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
celebrities, Celebrity Death Watch, cocaine, Did she jump or was she pushed?, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, IPO, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay's boobs, NSFW, Schnapps, skankery, skanks, tick . . .tick . . .tick, untalented stars
Former child star Lindsay Lohan revealed recently in an international statement that she was not currently in a relationship, declaring “I’m available.” Men and women between the ages of 16-65 who have yet to engage in casual, anonymous sex with a celebrity or semi-celebrity are encouraged to apply. Millions will enter, and potentially thousands will win.
There exists no accurate way to determine the duration of the opportunity window for just about anybody to bang the Flower of American Skankhood, but it will in all likelihood be extremely short-lived. Lohan will either stage a comeback, at which point she will return to sexual standards most likely precluding carnal relations with an unemployed Best Buy sales associate, or as is far more likely, she’ll be dead. Act now!
The Clock Is Ticking. For Quickest Results Bring Coke And Root Beer Schnapps. No, Not Coca-Cola.
Note: Lindsay appears serious about her IPO. In just-released (and deliciously NSFW) photos, Lindsay displays her considerable assets for those potential buyers who have yet to see them.
11 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
American Indians, Baseball, bingo, blackjack, cockfighting, Dodger Stadium, dodo, drugs, Geronimo, hackers, Harry Reid, headlines, Iran, Jim Carrey, Los Angeles Dodgers, Native Americans, Navy SEALs, nudists, nutmeg, Osama bin Laden, passenger pigeon, pervertry, Robitussin DM, Shania Twain, Texas, untalented stars, whippets, whiskey
In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.
The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.
Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.
Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.
He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*
Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.
Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!
American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture. The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’
Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.
South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.
The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.
Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?
Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.
Turns Out This Is A Fake.
Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?
Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.
Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts? Who gets high from bath salts? Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons. While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.
“I Can Hear My Hair Growing! Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”
09 Monday May 2011
Tags
Avatar, comic books, cosplay, costumes, Dr. Who, drugs, fandom, Hellboy, Lara Croft, living in mom's basement, Lodi, make believe, Pokemon, pregoo porn, rites of childhood, Ron Jeremy, sexless adults, Star Trek, stupid shit little girls like, too fat to wear that, your mother must be very proud
This Is Either Adorable Or Degrading Depending On How You Look At It.
Among the time-honored rites of childhood is playing make-believe. As murderous outlaw cowboys, fairy princesses, dauntless firefighters or myriad other fantastical and heroic roles, children push the boundaries of the possible before the realities of adulthood grind their little spirits to dust. Nine-year old Billy may be destined for a life of junior management at the Lodi Rite-Aid, but for this brief and priceless time he can be a gridiron hero, space cowboy or one of those annoying blue critters from Avatar.
The Glasses And Cleavage Are Nice, But The Lollipop Is The Pièce De Résistance.
Fortunately for the emotionally-stunted and other sexless adults, in 2011, dress-up is not limited to children or the mentally challenged; more and more, people over the age of eleven are embracing the magical world of make-believe. They call it cosplay.
Cosplay, which Wikipedia charitably calls ‘performance art,’ isn’t going away any time soon. Thanks to the proliferation of various fandom conventions–comic books, Star Trek, Dr. Who and their ilk–cosplayers have become emboldened through interaction like-minded individuals, where in ages past they would have been limited to practicing their hobby in dim and lonely basement, their sole audience a badly cracked full-length mirror.
Cosplay Pioneers Such As This One Had To Practice Their Art Behind Closed Doors.
Having crawled out into the sun, it is foolish to believe that these merry masters of make-believe will just as quickly slink back into the faerie forest. In this way cosplay is like illegal drugs or preggo porn, enough people want to do it regardless of the very serious harm which may result, and so the war must turn to one of management rather than eradication.
It is imperative then that we educate the public–and not merely the cosplaying fringe–about engaging in safe make-believe practices, and also about the very real dangers of improper cosplay. The following illustrations should suffice to impart upon even the most casual observer a basic knowledge of the DOs & DON’Ts of this bizarre hobby.
Sadly, Wolverine's Uncanny Powers Of Regeneration Do Not Extend To His Hairline.
Now They Call Her 'Fridge Raider.'
Cody Bunning IS Hellboy--Thanks To Makeup And Mom's Credit Card.
Even If Your Goal Was To Not Look Like A Complete Tool From The Waist Up, We'd Say It's At Best A Partial Success.
You're Doing It Right.
You're Doing It Wrong.
Poor Hygiene Means You Sit Alone.
This Sailor Moon Comes With Her Own Gravitational Field.
"It's The Role I Was Born To Play!"
Clothes Do Nothing For Ron Jeremy.
No, You're Right--She's A Perfectly Lovely Young Lady. We Just Can't Help Being A Little . . . Underwhelmed.
If Someone Hasn't Told You By Now, Profile Is Not Your Best Angle.
She Gets It.
He Doesn't.
Historically We Have Been Opposed To Forced Sterilization. However, We Make Exceptions.
Faisal And His Four Brides Were A Hit At The Islamabad Convention.
Many Lamps Were Rubbed That Day.
You Wouldn't Think Robin The Boy Wonder Could Be Made Any Lamer, But There You Go.
Yeah, The Ladies Have Let Themselves Go. But Copious Quantities Of Alcohol Will Transform The Chick On The Left Into The Supergirl We Met A Few Panels Ago.
We're Reasonably Sure That Jabba The Hutt Didn't Deck Himself Out In An Orange Prison Jumpsuit.
We'd Give You A Lot More To Have Never Put That Awful Image In Our Heads.
Jody Isn't Just A Rabid Sailor Moon Fan--She's Actually Got Rabies.
Cosplay Isn't Just For Normals. Special Kids Like To Dress Up, Too.
Your Mothers Must Be Very Proud.
KILL IT! DO IT NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KILL THAT UNHOLY THING!
It Takes Creativity, Design Skill And A Sense Of Fun. Dignity Not Necessary.
Marry Us.
22 Tuesday Feb 2011
Tags
"I've fallen and I can't get up!", A1 Steak Sauce, advertising, Bad Andy, Bush's Original Baked Beans, Commercials, commercials we do not like, Domino's Pizza, drugs, Duracell Family, feces-flinging primates, FEMA, fever hallucinations, GEICO Cavemen, LSD, magic of the marketplace, Old Spice Man, Olive Garden, people with short attention spans, Pets.com, pizza, puppets, Quizno's, Raggedy Andy, sock puppets, spokescreature, Spongemonkeys, TV
Look--At Least Now You Know Now Why Your Pizza Tastes Like Monkey Ass On Cardboard.
Television commercials are subject to the same limitations as all human endeavors: they don’t always turn out the way they’re supposed to. Advertising can be particularly vulnerable to this in that failure might not only mean that a spot was unable to steer buyers toward a product, but that it actually turned existing buyers away.
These Horrifying Simulacra Did Not Encourage Customers To Buy Duracell Batteries. Rather, They Caused Terror-Induced Incontinence.
At the same time, innovations such as digital recording which make it easier to skip through commercials have given advertisers greater anxiety that their message not be heard. Increasingly these advertisers are forced to concoct new and outlandish advertising campaigns to seize–however briefly–the viewer’s consciousness before his moth-like attention span gives way.
This Advertising Campaign Was Funny . . . (Wait For It) . . . About A Million Years Ago.
Sometimes, as in the case of GEICO’s ‘Cavemen‘ or the ‘Old Spice Man‘ commercials, a radical vision can portray an existing product in a fresh light. More often, however, these attempts are forgettable misfires, quickly relegated to the dustbin of commercial history.
"But You Know What Would Really Help Us Sell Our Sandwiches?--A Horrifying Creature That Looks Like What You'd See If You Swallowed An Eye-Dropper Full Of LSD While Battling A 104° Fever."
But there exists an odious few campaigns, spectacular misfires which have been elevated to the pantheon of all-time rancid commercials, which cling in the mind like dog shit on the bottom of a shoe. One such commercial campaign was Domino’s late, but certainly unlamented, ‘Bad Andy.’ Around the Turn of the Century, Bad Andy stunk up the airwaves like nothing else.
We Don't Recall Anyone Asking For 'Gay Andy.'
“Bad Andy, Good Pizza.” Conceived upon a foundation of fallacies, the campaign was doomed to fail. The first of these was the mistaken belief that, despite the cautionary example of Pets.com, sock puppets would appeal to anyone but the poorest of children. The second miscalculation was even more severe: a failure to recognize that a feces-flinging primate run amok inside a pizza parlor is not only unappealing, but shockingly unhygienic.
Don't Be Alarmed--She's An Actress And Wasn't At All Hurt During The Filming Of This Classic Scene. Of Course, She's Dead Now.
Thanks to the magic of the marketplace, consumers quickly convinced Domino’s that the savory aroma of fresh pizza and the nasty funk of the zoo’s monkey house were two tastes which didn’t belong together. Bad Andy was unceremoniously yanked from television, and with the exception of a brief stint as Deputy Director of FEMA in August of 2005, the irritating puppet has maintained a low profile ever since.
Bad Andy’s debut!
The mouth-watering stank of moist primate:
And he’s a fucking thief now . . .
Me vale madre! Bad Andy en Espanol!
Jeez. Maybe They Should Call You 'Sleazy Andy.'
11 Friday Feb 2011
Tags
bad teeth, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, delirium tremens, dentures, drugs, DTs, fellatio, gold digger, Kacey Jordan, Neil Armstrong, Polident, poor dental hygiene, porn stars, prostitution, Shane MacGowan, skanks, skonks, so sad, teefuses, wretched, you got a real purty mouth
Charlie's DTs Have Grown So Severe That He Now Believes Himself To Be Stalked By A Miniaturized Neil Armstrong, Who Tries Desperately To Fellate The Falling Star.
Cretinous 24-Hour party person Charlie Sheen has managed to keep his winning smile throughout his myriad legal and personal woes. However, like so much else in Hollywood, it turns out that Sheen’s pearly whites are fakes, his toothy grin the result of porcelain and Polident.
Just To Clarify: When You Say 'Size Doesn't Matter,' Are You Talking About The Beak Or The Rack?
This comes straight from the spunky mouth of Kacey Jordan, who spent time with the self-destructing TV personality during his recent 36-hour coke binge. Jordan, who is delightedly making herself a talk-show sensation at Sheen’s expense, calls herself an adult actress because she is paid to have sex on camera. However, as she also receives payment for non-filmed sex, she can add ‘whore’ to her list of credits.
Good News For Charlie: "My Dentist Thinks He Can Save Two Of 'Em!"
Jordan says that most of Sheen’s remaining handful of teeth are gold, and that the actor wears a porcelain bridge to prevent young children from screaming when they see him pass. According to Jordan, the reason for this is clear: “Drugs.” Jordan is not a doctor, but she has played a naughty nurse on several occasions, giving her the confidence to make this medical diagnosis.
So, That Thing On Your Lip . . .
If these sad revelations contain even a grain of truth, Sheen has fallen even further than anyone could have guessed. It is too late to wish the former star a normal life, but perhaps not too late to simply hope for his continuing survival. The upshot of Sheen’s grotesque smile contains at least one positive, however. The actor’s dental woes should serve him well during his next stint in prison, where smooth, slick gums are highly prized.
"Freeing Myself From The Slavery Of The Toothbrush Was The Best Thing I Ever Did. It Hardly Hurts Any More, And The Ladies Don't Mind That I Talk Like I've Got A Mouthful Of Snot."
Promethean Times 