Tag Archives: morons

Headlines: 09.17.12

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!

As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.

***

Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.

Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps?  ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.

The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.

Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!

Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.

A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.

 Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?

Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.

Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.

Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!

The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.

Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.

Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.

Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.

Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!

The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!

Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.

Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.

Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.

Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’

What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A  € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.

Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?

Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.

Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.

If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.

‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.

“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”

Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.

Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.

Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.

Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”

The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.

Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.

A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Talking With Mouth-Breathers

27 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Tardsie

They’re Not Always This Easy To Spot.

***

The Hotel Quickie

AmericInn, Aberdeen, SD. Monday, 03.26.12 11:59 AM CST (Cretin Standard Time)

Tardsie calls the Front Desk.

T: Hi. This is room 204, I’m running about ten minutes late. Do you think I could get a late checkout?

FD: Well…what are we talking about here? Like 12:15?

T: I just need about ten minutes…but yeah, 12:15 would be great.

FD: Because checkout is at noon.

T: Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m calling.

Time Is Relative In The Land That Time Forgot.

***

SNOW JOB

A few months ago I applied for a job as a sales-rep/customer liaison with a company with which I had previously had some dealings. It was a part-time thing, working the phones from home. Because of my skill set and my previous dealings with the company, I was pretty sure I’d earn an interview. I liked the company, and was interested in working for them in some capacity, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to sacrifice my evenings.

So when the president of the company called me (it’s a small outfit) for an interview, I didn’t really feel I had anything at stake, and had never been so relaxed in an interview. Although I make it a point in any interview to impress the person to whom I’m speaking (it’s an interview, after all), I try to present a pretty honest–if selective–picture of myself, and never so much as in this interview. I was candid, unguarded and, I thought, fairly plain-spoken.

Toward the end of the interview, the president offered me a rather left-handed compliment. I was initially pleased when he complimented me on my “authoritative voice,” polished manner of speech and extensive vocabulary. But then, as he transitioned to the next point said, “But I guess you can talk normal when you want to.”

I didn’t get the job.

It’s Not An Affectation, Folks–We Just Talk That Way.

***

It’s A Long Drive To Tipperary

A few years ago, I was at Rite Aid picking up a few essentials for a trip. As he rung me up, the clerk asked where I was going.

“Ireland,” I told him.

“That’s cool,” he said, then asked, “So are you gonna fly there or drive?”

Unsure if he was joking, I was too stunned for a moment to answer. When I was finally able to speak, all I could muster were the words “Drive to Ireland?”

“Yeah,” he said sagely, answering his own question, “Ireland is too far to drive.”

If You Think Drunk Drivers Are Dangerous, Just Wait ‘Till You Visit A Land With No Sober Drivers.

Stupid People Too: Even More Stupider

19 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

We Get It--Thinkin' Makes Your Head Hurt Somethin' Turrible.

It’s no secret that the delightful antics of the very stupid are one of the reasons we get up in the morning. Morons make the world go ’round, and at the very least give us something entertaining to watch until the terrible day when the great lizards burst forth from Mt. Rainier to seal the Earth’s doom.

In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy this troika of merry tales exploring the many facets of sub-moronic douchebaggery!

Night of the Hell Cow

This Is What Passes For Fun In Ohio.

Cincinnati, Ohio is a city which has suffered mightily over the years. Situated on the north bank of the Ohio River, the city was once a thriving industrial powerhouse, but today the Queen City is an echoing, haunted shadow of its former self, with the population having fallen nearly in half since 1960. Despite the legions of Cincinnatians fleeing the city like fleas from a rat’s cooling carcass, Cincy still manages to remain among the top 20 most dangerous cities in America. Remembered primarily for a really awful concert and for being the first US city to host race-riots in the 21st Century, and whose most famous citizen is the fictional newshound Les Nessman, Cincinnati’s remaining shell-shocked citizens have become accustomed to a host of degradations.

Inventive Cincinnatian Michelle Allen tried to do something a little different. Like so many of her fellow denizens of the Queen City, Allen aspired to further rend the delicate skein of civilization which binds the troubled city, and not only that, but to do it with panache.  Any liquored-up idiot, she reasoned, could twice encounter the police after urinating on a neighbor’s porch and then chasing frightened children into traffic. Determined not to be just ‘anybody,’ Allen performed this terrifying Margot Kidder impersonation while dressed as a hideous cow-woman.

Really, This Has Just As Much Merit As Almost Any Other Form Of Performance Art.

***

Rubbing Kids the Wrong Way

Who Wouldn't Want This Friendly Fellow All Up In His Or Her Personal Space?

The line between sports fandom and dangerous lunacy has always been precariously thin, nevermore so than in today’s fractured, tribal climate. Sherwin Shayegan, known to the public as the ‘Piggyback Bandit’, not only crosses that line, but stomps its face against the curb until it’s a bleeding, mewling mess begging for the numbing embrace of sweet, sweet death.

Despite the cute nickname, Shayegan is a creepo of the first order. Shayegan recently gained notoriety after he was banned from a number of high schools for a string of athletic-related indecencies. The Piggyback Bandit, it turns out, isn’t just an athletic supporter, but also a fan of both frottage and of the firm, sweaty backsides of high school athletes. During athletic events, Shayegan surprises both the audience and the athletes alike with a little something extra to take home with them, dashing from the crowd and leaping upon the players’ backs with all the joy and fervor of a leg-humping dog.

"itsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostover"

***

Deranged Dachshund’s Drug-Addled Death a Definite Downer

"Y'know,I've Found That If I Ingest Copious Quantities Of Psychedelics, Bands Like Phish And Dave Matthews Don't Sound So Much Like Ass Set To A Tune."

It’s not just humans who enjoy experimenting with dangerous, mind-altering substances. Everybody knows what happens when you give your cat catnip, and holding a dog down while you blow marijuana smoke in its face is a time-honored rite of young adulthood. In college, Smaktakula’s beloved pet rat was a bold psychonaut and an ongoing experiment in the thresholds of the chemical experience.¹ Critters like to party, too.

But just like people, some animals can’t handle their drugs. Just one of these such creatures was Oscar the long-haired dachshund. Oscar had apparently been pestering Nicholas Modrich and Jamie Hughes, the fry-loving burnouts with whom he shared an apartment, to share some of their hoard of hallucinogens, until the couple finally relented, dosing the pestering pooch. As an irritating little freakdog, it would be assumed that the tiny creature would be prepared for an eight-hour mind fuck and Technicolor light show.² Sadly, this appears not to be the case, and little Oscar completely lost his shit. Although the evening was highlighted by a madcap, semi-nude chase through the hallucinatory streets of Snellville, Georgia, the evening ended in tragedy when the frenzied dog encountered a moving vehicle that was most definitely not an hallucination.

Drugs Aren't As Much Of A Threat To Society As Are Some Of The Assholes Who Take Them.

¹ I miss you still, Short Bus. Old friend–this cold, wicked world was never made for one so beautiful as you. < S.
² This becomes all the more remarkable when it is remembered that dogs cannot see color. ∞ T.

Stupid People: Way More Fun Than TV

06 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Morons Make Us Feel Just A Little Bit Smarter.

Today, almost anyone can get himself arrested.  It doesn’t take style, flair or even imagination–with 1% of the US population behind bars, it’s easy to see that getting busted in America is pretty routine.  It’s not surprising then, that when individuals take the extra effort to ensure that their crimes are particularly shameful, we sit up and take notice.  It is with no small amount of pleasure that we present to you the following tales of delightfully dimwitted and debased douchebaggery.

Enjoy!

“Hey Jordy! I Can See Your Trailer From Here!”

Keepin’ It In The Family II: The Cousining

Like all couples, Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks of Rogersville, Tennessee had their share of fights.  But in November of 2011, the two engaged in combat so fierce and bloody that the police were forced to intervene.

In the moments before the melee, the pair had been discussing their relationship.  When Brooks began to affectionately grope Wilson, cooing “I want you,” she rebuffed him, explaining she expected more from their relationship than to simply be a “booty call.”  The fight erupted in earnest when Brooks expressed a desire to keep the relationship strictly sexual, explaining that, as he and Wilson were first cousins, anything more would be kind of icky.

Take Some Comfort That They’re Not Breeding With The Normals.

Bushwhacked!

Megan Barnes isn’t a wealthy woman.  She will never have a huge lawn to keep tight and trim, nor any landscaped topiary to adorn her home.  Despite her obvious disadvantages, the skanky Southern belle prides herself on her personal grooming.

This attention to detail is the most likely the reason that, while driving her vehicle in Cudjoe Key, Florida, Barnes plowed into the back of a pickup truck.  She lost control of the vehicle when she turned over the steering chores to her ex-husband, a passenger in the vehicle.  However, the fastidious floozy provided a reason for her inattention, explaining that she had been on her way to see her boyfriend,  and needed her hands free for the important work of shaving her ‘bikini area.‘

It Just Makes For Easier Access.

A Horror In Blue

Galway, Ireland, the folksy tourist-trap of the Emerald Isle, is typically a friendly town.  Like all Irishmen, from Rosslare Harbour to Portrush, Galwegians are a drunken, cheerful lot.  But a Halloween home invasion has loosed a dark current of fear throughout the city.

One innocent citizen was sleeping off his night’s meal of Guinness and Jameson when he was awakened by an intruder in his bedroom.  To the man’s horror, the assailant was a six-foot tall smurf, who, in a final ghastly indignity, turned out to be drunk and horny.  Although it was revealed to be a case of mistaken identity, with Inebriate Smurf in the wrong home, this news will most likely do little to ease the long-term psychological trauma inherent in such a terrifying episode.

Sometimes Papa Just Needs A Piece Of Ass That Isn’t Blue.

No Brains, But Guts To Spare

15 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Culture, Music, News, Science, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

"Sell A Vital Organ And Thereby Seriously Jeopardize My Remaining 60-Plus Years For A Couple Pieces Of Overpriced Electronic Crap, Which Are Even Now Hurtling Toward Obsolescence? Dude--You Had Me At The Open Quote."

Disproving the long-standing stereotype that Chinese children are better educated and more intelligent than their Western counterparts, one young man in China has set out to prove that Chinese youth are every bit as stupid as Western kids, if not even more stupider.*  Xiao Zheng, a 17-year-old moron from Guangdong province in China, was so horny for electronic products that it seemed a good idea to sell body parts to get them.

But Xiao was no fool; he wasn’t about to go selling critically important organs like his heart, liver or appendix–the absence of which would bring about immediate death, preventing him from playing with his blood-bought doodads.  Instead, he chose from paired organs, finally settling on a kidney.  Considered a vital–or at the very least really important– organ by most medical professionals, the kidney filters waste from the blood, as well as performing several other duties in support of a properly functioning body.

We're Told It's Pretty Important.

Xiao pushed ahead with his hard-thought plan, permitting an anonymous assembly line surgeon with questionable hygiene to rummage his innards before ripping out the healthy organ.  But the slaughterhouse docs were as good as their word, paying Xiao the kingly sum of 22,000 Yuan, or about $3,400.  Meanwhile a cancer-ridden septuagenarian billionaire was able to add a few months to his papery half-life thanks to the gift of the teenager’s kidney, paying the black marketeers enough to ensure a ridiculous profit margin–so in the end, everybody won.

Xiao didn’t waste his nearly 3.5 grand by investing it by bribing a local official for higher placement on the civil service exam or for his inevitable future dialysis treatments.  Instead, he used the money as he always intended, to buy an iPad 2 and a boss new iPhone.

Xiao is already planning his financial strategy for purchasing the next generation of those devices when they ship early next year–he’ll sell more paired organs.  The maimed lad is already gauging responses from potential buyers for one of his eyes or a lung.  Sadly, Xiao’s liquid physical resources end there–alas, he was born with just one testicle.

.Don't Look Now, But We Think A Certain Someone Is About To Completely Lose His Shit And Mow Down The Cheerleading Squad.

*While it’s true that the comparative and superlative forms of ‘stupid’ are ‘stupider’ and ‘stupidest’ respectively, Smaktakula is employing the superduperlative form.  Now you know.  ∞T.

TV Still Safe For Morons

24 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Mouth-Breathing Ignoramuses Worldwide Ask, "Why There Not More TV Shows For I?"

It’s no secret that television gets a bad rap.  Labelled ‘A Vast Wasteland’ within years of its invention, TV hasn’t been given much of a chance.  And much like a person awoken from sleep by a phone call, people will go to ridiculous lengths to refuse to admit that they watch TV.

"If Maybelle Don't Get To Watch Her Stories, She Starts Thinkin' 'Bout Things. I Need That Like I Need Another Hole In My Head."

Most of these people are lying.  The ever-expanding menu of specialized channels, internet-to-television streaming along with piles upon piles of data suggest that people are watching the small screen more than ever.  As counterintuitive as it might seem, the device often referred to as the “idiot box” may actually be helping to improve lives around the globe.

Proving Every Day That The Really Talented Fat Comedians Die Young.

A tremendous variety of educational programming is available for viewers, plus scads of infotainment shows on cooking, wildlife, home decor, ghostbusting and the like.  Thanks to shows like Sesame Street, television helps to prepare youngsters for school.  Perhaps most surprising are studies from India which show a correlation between the availability of cable television and an increase in the living standard of women.

So if TV isn’t the mindless entertainment we’ve always believed it to be, what does this mean for the world’s slackjawed halfwits, who see the demise of Two and a half Men as the end of an era, drowning their fears with a glut of Benny Hill reruns?  Have no fear, television has not forgotten its sub-moronic roots: for the discriminating lackwit, there are a plethora of shitty shows like Deal or No Deal and the odious America’s Funniest Home Videos.

We'd Think A Guy With Two Of The All-Time Shittiest TV Shows Under His Belt AND Whose Name Rhymes With . . .'Baguette' . . . Would Be A Little Funnier.

Let’s take a moment to thank these uncreative men and women who bring us intellectually challenged programing.  With everyone pandering to America’s elite, it’s nice to see someone’s still looking out for the drooling moron who can’t get off the couch.

Thanks To The Dumbing Down Of America, Foreigners Aren't Just Taking Our Jobs--They're Also Taking Our Spot On Jeopardy!

Helping The Stupid. Gently.

23 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Stupidity Wasn't Invented In America, But Like So Many Other Things, We've Made It Uniquely Our Own.

Stupidity never seems to go out of style.  Our daily lives are inundated with such stupidity that fighting against it often is like trying to hold back a mighty ocean of  inanity.  But such has always been the lot of that societal minority whose IQ falls into the triple digits.  Promethean Times has always argued the responsibility the non-stupid segment of the population bears toward the great legions who are.  Sometimes the greatest kindness can be illustrating more fully the depths of an individual’s thickheadedness.

Some intelligent people have no compunctions about snatching the veil of ignorance from unseeing eyes.  Although their manner can be abrasive at times, these brave souls risk the opprobrium of yahoos to make the world a better place.  These days such revelations are likely to earn at worst a beating, but once upon a time that kind of talk could get you burned at the stake.

Others, more timid or introspective, have difficulty in apprising morons of their staggering and cretinous idiocy.  It is for these non-confrontational people that we offer an elegant solution to this problem.  By employing the Promethean Times Method, not only is it possible bring the shithead to a painful–but ultimately healing–self-awareness, but also to accomplish it by allowing the halfwit to arrive at the deduction by himself.

"HURRRRRR! I Can Count To This Many!" Boasts Putty-Faced Reality TV Grotesquery, Heidi Montag.

Executing the Method:

When the stupidity of a speaker becomes nauseatingly uncomfortable for all parties present, the intelligent person should say something to the effect, “I was with you until you got to that part about you not really knowing what you were talking about, and how you feel you’re a just a bit of an idiot.”

The reaction will no doubt fall along these lines: “What?  That wasn’t what I said!”

Tell ’em, “Well, not in so many words.”

Try it.  You’ll be making the world a better place.

Since Her Untimely Death In 2007, Anna Nicole Has Been Elevated To Patron Saint Of The Very Stupid.

Could You Be An Asshole? Calvinism

29 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

It doesn’t matter if he’s praying or pissing; a knock-off Calvin on your car proclaims far and wide the staggering size of the ass capable of supporting an asshole like yourself.

Show The World You Support Copyright Infringement By Purchasing This Delightful Image Of Calvin Pissing On Bill Watterson.

So really, you’re not just an asshole, but also a thief.  Way to go, cock-goblin.

Something’s Cooking In The World Of Competitive Sauna

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture, Duh, Europe, Games, General Foolishness, Health, Sports

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By Smaktakula

The sporting world is still aboil about the news dispatches steaming out of Finland reporting the tragic death of Russian quasi-athlete Vladimir Ladyzhensky.  Ladyzhensky, along with his Finnish opponent Timo Kaukonen, collapsed during the annual World Sauna Championships in Finland.  Both men suffered severe burns and were admitted to the hospital, where Ladyzhensky later died.                             

It May Look Easy, Kids--But If You Want To Make It To The Big Leagues You've Got To Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins And Practice, Practice, Practice!

Thanks in large part to recent media coverage, a new generation of fans is coming to appreciate this exciting and fast-growing ‘sport.’  The roots of competitive sauna reach far back into Finland’s history; hanging around in a hot, steamy room with other dudes has long been a favored pastime.  The ghastly exercise in masochism has been a professional sport in Finland since 1999.                             

Although most Finns readily welcome the dizzying globalization of their sport, they remain fiercely proud of its Finnish origins.  This pride has manifested itself in a variety of ways, including the recent creation of a Finnish Bureau of Tourism.  The Bureau’s first act as a body was to devise the popular slogan: Finland–A Little More Than Just Reindeer!                          

When It Was A Game: Florida Prison Farm Inmates Played Not For Money, But For The Love Of Competitive Sauna.

Ladyzhensky’s shocking death can’t help but cast a pall over professional sauna.  Inwardly, everyone connected with the sport is no doubt plagued by the same internal question: Could we have done something to prevent this?                             

Sadly, the answer is No.  Self-recrimination is a part of human nature, and while some soul-searching is probably inevitable, it comes to little in the end.  Although this terrible event will no doubt be parsed and dissected by historians for generations to come, the exact cause of this tragedy will never truly be known.  That athletes die sometimes with no apparent cause is perhaps the cruelest lesson that sports can teach us.                          

"What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People? Damn."

Vladimir Ladyzhensky may have left competitive sauna, but the rare Russian will forever be seared into the collective consciousness of the game he loved.   His fellow competitors will no doubt shed a collective tear* in his memory as they take that first barefoot step into the searing death-oven that is the symbol of this much-beloved pseudosport.  Ladyzhensky wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.                             

*This is intended for figurative purposes only.  When one’s profession involves killing time in a 230° hot box, remaining well-hydrated is the surest strategy to victory, and may help to stave off death for a few precious seconds.