04 Friday Mar 2011
Tags
childish sexual innuendo, Chinese food, frog-on-pig action, Frogs, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, muppets, pigs, the love which dare not speak its name
"Would You Care To Know Why *MOI*--Renowned Star Of Stage And Screen, Chooses To Douche With Honey And Vinegar? HMM?"
"Because I Love Sweet And Sour Pork."
03 Thursday Mar 2011
Tags
Black Widow, cooze, Emmanuel Lewis, Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman's widow, gold digger, living in squalor, Lynndie England, meal ticket, places that suck, Sao Paulo, schadenfreude, Shannon Price, small black actor, tabloids, The Globe, treachery, Utah, Yoko Ono
Don't Waste Your Energy Feeling Sorry For Shannon. Seriously--The Chick's A Cooze.
Fans of Schadenfreude were thrilled by the news that Shannon Price, best known for her half-marriage with half-man Gary Coleman, is living like a filthy animal. In Utah! It seems that the unrepentant black widow still resides in the home she mooched from her tiny meal ticket and in which she let him die, only now the home is occupied by actual black widows–also Price’s dad, her brother, several hounds and about 3,600 cubic feet of refuse.
"For Reals--The Thing Hangs All The Way To My Knees. Still, She Won't Touch Me."
For some, it may be instinctive to pity Ms. Price for maintaining her home like a São Paulo shanty, just as they might a hamster long untended by its keeper and forced to eat its own droppings to gain a few more precious hours of life. This charity is undeserved; anyone feeling sorry for the strawberry strumpet either ignores or has forgotten that she wasted precious minutes getting her shit together while her twitching ex-husband lay dying on the concrete floor of the laundry room. In a final indignity, she posed for pictures with Coleman on his deathbed before selling the images to the insipid British tabloid, The Globe.
We Are Mystified As To Why Gary's Parents Did Not Invite This Cooze To The Actor's Funeral.
Adding to the enormity of her coozehood is Price’s ridiculous claim that it would somehow upset her deceased ex-husband if he knew she was living this way. Coleman, known for his misanthropic love of trains and little else, would most likely be pained only to learn that the talentless Yoko was still living.
Gary's Unquiet Spirit Was Profoundly Moved To Hear Of Shannon's Plight.
Although she is content for the present to live like a rodent in a urine-soaked flyfarm, Price’s future remains a mystery. The only thing anyone knows for sure is that Emmanuel Lewis isn’t returning her calls.
Shannon Chooses As Her Role Models Take-Charge Gals Who Like To Have A Good Time And Aren't Afraid To Make A Mistake.
02 Wednesday Mar 2011
Tags
bad parents, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, child endangerment, custody battle, inebriate, infants, serial impregnator, Twins, Won't somebody please think of the children?
Sheen Probably Spends Too Much Time Riding Bareback.
More bad news for cretinous serial impregnator and former television personality Charlie Sheen: Last night the authorities arrived at Sheen’s Beverly Hills residence to remove the actor’s twin sons from his custody.
At Least This Child Doesn't Appear To Be His Own.
Although very little is known at this time, the question on everybody’s lips is:
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? UNTIL YESTERDAY, CHARLIE SHEEN WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SAFETY OF TWO HUMAN INFANTS? HOLY SHIT!”
"Whatever, Dude. I'll Just Make More."
02 Wednesday Mar 2011
Tags
Agent Cody Banks, Corey Feldman, Edgar Jimenez Lugo, El Ponchis, Elycia Turnbow, Fel-Dog, former child stars, Frankie Muniz, Frankie Muniz Racing, Malcolm in the Middle, short people, Tötyl Hömö, You Hang Up
How Did He...? Wait--So You...? And You're Not, Like, Being Held Against Your Will Or Anything? No? Wow. So You're Not Blind? Not "Special" Or Taking Any Medication Which Might Impair Your Judgement? Really. You're POSITIVE You're Not Being Held Against Your Will? 'Cause, You've Taken A Real Good Look At Him, Right?
Frankie Muniz, best known for playing the titular characters in Malcolm in the Middle and Agent Cody Banks, is many things: actor, race car driver, rocker. Sadly, it appears that “mentally stable person” is not among the Renaissance man’s retinue of roles.
Recently, the elfin entertainer had a spat with his girlfriend, Elycia Turnbow, over previous relationships. Although more specific details are not available, it can be irresponsibly conjectured on the basis of no evidence whatsoever that the overachieving Muniz felt emasculated by Turnbow’s previous boyfriend, Edgar “El Ponchis” Lugo.
At one point in the altercation, a dejected Muniz held a loaded gun to his own head. To the relief of the dozen or so people still holding out hope for Cody Banks 3: Octopuberty, he didn’t pull the trigger.
We Don't Judge A Man By His Hairline. Okay, We Do.
Bonus: We’ve included a live performance of Frankie’s band, You Hang Up.* However, it’s best that you first cleanse your mental palate with the following video of Corey Feldman making an ass of himself. Compared to that, the boys’ little show on the City Walk looks like U2 at Red Rocks.
28 Monday Feb 2011
Tags
Academy Awards, Chris Farley, Corey Haim, dead celebrities, former child stars, Gary Coleman, Haimster, Hollywood, injustice, mulletards, mullets, Oscars, River Phoenix, Selena, small black actor, tributes, untalented stars
You Probably Know What He's Going To Say.
Hollywood was cruel to young actors Gary Coleman and Corey Haim, using and discarding them like snotty tissue. That both men died long before their time is a testament to this contemptuous neglect. But where many marginally talented performers, such as Chris Farley, River Phoenix or Selena were elevated in stature upon their deaths, no such honor has been accorded Coleman and Haim. Hollywood managed a posthumous ‘Fuck You!’ to the pair in last night’s Academy Awards telecast when neither was mentioned in the Oscars’ tedious tribute montage.
You Did This, Hollywood. You Did This.
28 Monday Feb 2011
Tags
Amber Portwood, As Seen On TV, celebriskanks, famous for nothing, foolish choices, horrifying images, hussies, internet pornography, reality television, Roseanne Barr, skanks, Teen Mom, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, untalented stars, viral, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, your mother must be very proud
Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"
Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral. The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.
In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven. It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.
Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence. After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.
By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.
23 Wednesday Feb 2011
Tags
beefs, Better Run Run, feuds, genie, Hammer Time!, Hellboy, hip-hop, Jay-Z, Kanye West, King Hammer, MC Hammer, Oakland A's, Oaktown, one-hit wonders, Reverend Hammer, ridiculous genie pants, tool-based rap artists, Yapple Dapple!
Please, Hammer. Don't Hurt Yourself.
Hip-Hop star of yesteryear MC Hammer is back with a vengeance–literally. The former Oakland A’s bat boy, who now prefers to be called ‘King Hammer,’ has a beef with rap megastar Jay-Z. Recently, appearing on Kanye West’s “So Appalled,” Jay-Z rapped:
“And Hammer went broke so you know I’m more focused
I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30
‘Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can’t hurt me.”
For his part, Jay-Z claimed he didn’t know that Hammer’s public riches-to-rags story was not part of the public dialogue, and seemed honestly surprised and perhaps a little amused by the kerfuffle. Hip-Hop purists note, even if the diss was unintentional as Jay-Z claims, it still bespeaks a schism between modern Hip-Hop artists and their one-hit wonder forebears.
"What's That?" It's Difficult For Jay-Z To Hear Hammer Over The Sound Of His Millions And Millions Of Dollars.
Unmollified, King Hammer responded with the blistering diss-track, “Better Run Run.” Drawing upon his faith as an ordained minister, Hammer dons a knit cap and Ed Hardy douche-apparel to narrate as a hoodie-wearing Lucifer chases down Jay-Z. Ultimately, only God’s love–manifested through His servant on Earth, the Right Reverend Hammer–can save the multi-platinum rapper from the infernal clutches of Old Scratch. Hammer does just that, then baptizes Jay-Z, whom he calls “Hellboy,” for good measure.
Better Run Run
Jay-Z has chosen not to escalate the feud, pointing out that he has many kind things to say about King Hammer in his upcoming book. This is no small act of kindness. Despite his royal bravado, Hammer is a broken man, with nothing at all left to call his own except for those ridiculous puffy pants.
"Sorry, King, The Check Bounced--I'll Be Needing Those Back, Too."
15 Tuesday Feb 2011
Tags
"Iron" Mike, boxing, cannibalism, crazy people, disgraced athletes, dreidel, eat children, Jews, Judaism, kashrut, kosher, Lennox Lewis, Mike Tyson, orthodoxy, pugilism, ritually unclean, shechita, so is Allah cool with Mike going Kosher?, treif, vegan
Wait A Moment, Michael. Ask Yourself, "Does This Meal Meet With The Standards Of Kashrut?"
Terrifying former pugilist “Iron” Mike Tyson has a reputation for being difficult. However, in this instance the seething bag of resentment has made work easy for Promethean Times. He hasn’t just set the ball, but spiked the damn thing as well. Observe:
Mike Tyson, who has recently declared himself a vegan, plans to open a chain of kosher/vegan restaurants.
"I Very Much Regret Thaying I Wanted To Eat Lennox Lewith's Children. Even If They Had Been Prepared In Accordanth Wiff The Law, They Would Motht Likely Thtill Be Treif, And Thuth Ritually Unclean."
11 Friday Feb 2011
Tags
bigotry, despotism, Elvis Aaron Presley, embarrassing historical record, impoverished first-world hellhole, impoverished third-world hellhole, inbreeding, intolerance, ladyparts, Mississippi, Mississippi > North Korea, North Korea, places that suck, Pyongyang, slavery, The South, theocratic cultural backwaters, Uncle-Daddy, William Faulkner, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you
Unlike Despotic North Korea, Mississippi Has Long Been A Bastion Of Liberty And Complete Equality For All People.
Although impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea and impoverished first-world hellhole Mississippi are roughly the same size, have similar literacy rates and offer an almost identical standard of living, the Southern US state has an edge over the isolated Asian regime: North Korea has yet to produce either an Elvis or a Faulkner.
"He Knew Then--Just As He Had Always Known But Drew From His Ignorance (Or His Supposed Ignorance Or Rather His Imposed Ignorance, Because It Was A Thing Which He Had Taken Upon Himself, Glad In The Lethe-Like Completeness Of Its Abnegation And Erasure) That Sustenance With Which The Ignorant, Or Perhaps Just The Apparently Ignorant, Seem To Subsist, Growing No Fatter Nor Leaner For It--That His Home Country With Its Dusty Roads Trod Firm By The Eternal Unyielding Drum Of Bare Feet On That Blood-Earned Earth, Themselves Beset By Hookworm Or A Dozen Other Rots And Blights For Which They Did Not Know The Name Or Even That A Name For The Thing Should Exist At All, The Sweating September Pines Whispering The True History Of The Place, The One Not Man Nor Woman Nor Child, Negro Nor Caucasian, Youth Nor Town Father, Would Dare Or Even Think To Give Voice But Knew As Well As Anyone Else, And With A Thousand Other Afflictions Besides Was Still His Home Country After All, And He No More Divisible From It Than Red From A Ruby, And That He Could Feel About It However He Wished But That It Loved Him Still And Whether He Knew It (And He Did Know It; Had Known It Like The Other Thing) Or Cared To Admit It Anyway Would Draw Him Like The Moths Which In His Youth Danced About the Oil Lamps At The Hunting Camp Until They, Like He, Would Almost Against Their Will Be Plunged Into It And There Finally Be Settled Alongside His Progenitors, Hated And Beloved Both, At Long Last Making Literal His Heretofore Symbolic Bond To The Land; Knowing This, He Said, 'SCREW Y'ALL, NORTH KOREA! Y'ALL KIN KISS MAH REBEL ASS!'"
"Pyongyang? Huh. Whuddaya Spose That Is, Fellas? The Chinese Word For Ladyparts?"
11 Friday Feb 2011
Tags
bad teeth, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, delirium tremens, dentures, drugs, DTs, fellatio, gold digger, Kacey Jordan, Neil Armstrong, Polident, poor dental hygiene, porn stars, prostitution, Shane MacGowan, skanks, skonks, so sad, teefuses, wretched, you got a real purty mouth
Charlie's DTs Have Grown So Severe That He Now Believes Himself To Be Stalked By A Miniaturized Neil Armstrong, Who Tries Desperately To Fellate The Falling Star.
Cretinous 24-Hour party person Charlie Sheen has managed to keep his winning smile throughout his myriad legal and personal woes. However, like so much else in Hollywood, it turns out that Sheen’s pearly whites are fakes, his toothy grin the result of porcelain and Polident.
Just To Clarify: When You Say 'Size Doesn't Matter,' Are You Talking About The Beak Or The Rack?
This comes straight from the spunky mouth of Kacey Jordan, who spent time with the self-destructing TV personality during his recent 36-hour coke binge. Jordan, who is delightedly making herself a talk-show sensation at Sheen’s expense, calls herself an adult actress because she is paid to have sex on camera. However, as she also receives payment for non-filmed sex, she can add ‘whore’ to her list of credits.
Good News For Charlie: "My Dentist Thinks He Can Save Two Of 'Em!"
Jordan says that most of Sheen’s remaining handful of teeth are gold, and that the actor wears a porcelain bridge to prevent young children from screaming when they see him pass. According to Jordan, the reason for this is clear: “Drugs.” Jordan is not a doctor, but she has played a naughty nurse on several occasions, giving her the confidence to make this medical diagnosis.
So, That Thing On Your Lip . . .
If these sad revelations contain even a grain of truth, Sheen has fallen even further than anyone could have guessed. It is too late to wish the former star a normal life, but perhaps not too late to simply hope for his continuing survival. The upshot of Sheen’s grotesque smile contains at least one positive, however. The actor’s dental woes should serve him well during his next stint in prison, where smooth, slick gums are highly prized.
"Freeing Myself From The Slavery Of The Toothbrush Was The Best Thing I Ever Did. It Hardly Hurts Any More, And The Ladies Don't Mind That I Talk Like I've Got A Mouthful Of Snot."
Promethean Times 